10. A Mind of Hearts and Flowers
Chapter 10
A Mind of Hearts and Flowers
A ria’s best friend opened her fancy front door and beamed. “You’re home!”
“Hey, Jen.” Aria tried for a smile. She could tell, even without looking, that it was more of a pained grimace. Maybe because she’d cried so much on the journey home—first in the car with Georgia, then alone on the plane, then awkwardly not-quite-alone in the taxi. Perhaps her face was stuck in a frown now.
Or maybe it was just hard to fake happiness when it felt like your chest was cracking open. She should’ve gotten that hole looked at, back when she was in therapy. Before Nik came along, and saw it, and used it, and broke her in two.
“Wait,” Jen said as Aria stepped into the house. “I thought you were due back tomorrow?”
“I was.” Aria dumped her luggage. She hadn’t been home yet. She couldn’t go home yet. “Jenny. I… I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Jen stepped forward, frowning, and pulled Aria into a hug. “What’s happened? Why do you look so…”
The awkward way Jen trailed off almost made Aria laugh. In fact, she managed a bitter puff of air that might have been a chuckle. “So terrible?”
“Oh, no,” Jen said firmly. “You don’t look terrible . You’ve got a cracking tan.”
This time, Aria did laugh. Even though it hurt her head and her heart. Even though it felt unnatural, as if she’d never done it before. Even though tears were streaming down her cheeks again. That, Aria supposed, was the power a best friend held.
She buried her face in Jen’s soft cloud of hair and admitted, “I lied.”
“Oh,” Jen said, her voice suspiciously high. “You did?”
“Yes. I didn’t go on holiday with some weird new boyfriend you’ve never heard of.” Aria pulled back and met her friend’s gaze as she confessed. “I went on holiday with a professional footballer who hired me to be his fake girlfriend.”
“Goodness me. Um… let’s go and sit down, shall we?” Before Aria could process that suspiciously calm response, Jen grabbed her hand and tugged her through the house.
“Aria’s home!” Jen trilled to her husband, Theo—who was sitting in front of a perfectly good TV, reading the paper. The finance section, of all things. Aria really did wonder about that man.
“Hello,” he murmured absently. “How was your trip?”
“Terrible,” Aria replied, plopping down onto a nearby sofa. “I was just telling Jen how I lied to everyone about my new boyfriend. He was actually one of Keynes’s bonkers rich friends and he hired me to protect him from sex at a Spanish house party.”
“Wow,” Theo said. And turned a page.
Aria glared at Jen, jabbing a finger through the air. “I knew it. You knew !”
“No! Nooo, noo, no. Okay, yes. Sorry.” Jen scowled at Theo—or rather, at his paper. “I wasn’t going to say anything. It’s all supposed to be a secret, isn’t it?”
“But…” Aria rubbed her temples. This was, quite frankly, one surprise too many. She was on the edge. She was past the edge. She’d flown past the edge less than ten hours ago, when a man she’d trusted, a man she’d—
That’s enough of that. Pull yourself together.
Swallowing down her bile, Aria asked, “Who told you?”
“Theo,” Jen said promptly.
“And how the hell did you know?” Aria demanded, glaring at the newspaper in front of Theo’s face.
He sighed. “Keynes told me. Obviously. He did say not to tell anyone…”
“But you blabbed anyway? Jesus, man, you’re sixty years old, and you haven’t learned to keep your mouth shut?”
Theo finally lowered the paper, his eyes narrowed. “Aria. I am not sixty.”
“Whatever. You’re supposed to be the mature one in this group!”
“Jennifer is my wife,” he sighed. “I don’t hide things from my wife.”
I always want to be honest with you, agapi mou.
Ruthlessly, she shoved that traitorous memory aside—and shoved her heart aside too, since it couldn’t be trusted. Since it clenched every time she remembered that accented voice feeding her sweet bullshit, those gorgeous eyes lying to her.
“Well, what the fuck is Keynes’s excuse?” she huffed. “You’re not his husband.”
“If platonic marriage existed,” Theo said reasonably, “I would be.”
“Piss off.”
Jen rubbed a soothing hand over Aria’s back. “It’s really not that big a deal, love. I understand why you kept it to yourself. And God, I was relieved when I found out!” She gave an airy little laugh. “I mean, at first I thought you’d really fallen for some random stranger—” Her sentence cut off abruptly, but Aria had known Jen for almost twenty years. She knew what her best friend had been about to say.
Again. I thought you’d fallen for some random stranger again.
Fuck.
This time, when the tears returned, they weren’t the kind she could hide with a hug and a surreptitious swipe of her eyes. This time, they ripped her apart.
* * *
“She came home early, and now she won’t stop crying! I said crying . Yes!” Theo was trying to be quiet, she could tell. But when he got really angry, his voice sort of expanded like a balloon. It floated in from the hallway, reaching Aria’s ears without trouble.
She was alone in the living room, sobbing silently now, but the lack of sound didn’t make it any less embarrassing. Jen had run off for tea. Theo had run off to ring, Aria assumed, Keynes.
“You better call that motherfucker and find out what the hell he did. I know. I know . Call me back.”
He returned a second later with an expression of polite concern. “Well,” he said, his awkward tone a world away from the whip-sharp words she’d just heard. “You seem… better.”
Less hysterical, he meant. She was saved from drumming up a reply when Jen bustled into the room with a mug in each hand. She speared her husband with a glare and ordered, “Out.”
Theo didn’t need to be told twice.
Once he was gone, Jen turned a determinedly bright smile on Aria. “Tea!” she said, thrusting a cup into Aria’s hand. Kind of like you’d thrust food at a wild animal before backing away slowly.
Aria stared glumly into the milky brown liquid. Now, the inquisition would begin.
“There,” Jen said primly, sitting down. “That’s better. No more tears, or your eyes will go all puffy.”
“You can’t appeal to my vanity right now,” Aria lied. “I am desolate and despondent. I wouldn’t care if my eyebrows fell off.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t. You could microblade new ones for yourself.”
She huffed out a resentful chuckle. “Stop making me laugh when my chest hurts.”
“But that’s what I’m for,” Jen said softly. “Now. Do you want to tell me what happened?”
A fresh wave of despair hit Aria like a brick, completely without warning. Suddenly choking back yet more tears, she put down her tea and asked, “Why do you even bother with me? How many times have you had to sit around, listening to me cry over some guy like it’s the first time I’ve been fucked over?”
Jen frowned, rolling her lips inwards. “Honey. It doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend and I want to be here for you. Always. And no matter how many times you get hurt, you have the right to feel that pain as if it’s brand new. There’s no cap on feelings.” She put a hand on Aria’s shoulder. “Please tell me you know that.”
“Sure,” Aria sniffed. “I know that. Logically. I used to tell myself that all the time. Like, yes, this guy hurt me or that guy lied, and yes, I could’ve seen it coming, but I’m not to blame! They’re responsible for their actions and blah blah blah. But Jen, how many times can the same thing happen to me before I figure out the common denominator? I…” Her voice cracked, her vision blurring with tears. Christ, she must be so dehydrated by now. “I throw myself into relationships because I want someone to love, and I want someone to love me. But that’s not okay. Look what happened last time!”
Her final sentence, the words she’d been desperate to say all along, burst out almost violently. They were so loud, they seemed to echo around the room. Jen jerked back as if she’d been hit, her mouth forming a little ‘O’ for a moment. But then, as always, she rallied.
“Aria Granger. Please tell me you are not still freaking out over that thing with Simon.”
“Of course, I am, Jenny! I know I’m not allowed to feel guilty.” Shout out to Dr. Browne, therapist extraordinaire. “But I do know that if I didn’t need to be with someone, Simon wouldn’t have been able to use me. Because I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. What does it say about me, that I can fall for someone I don’t even like? Nothing good, no matter which way you spin it. I know that.
“So, I decided, if I can’t choose carefully, no more men! None at all! That makes sense, right? Only I fucked up. With Nik, I fucked up. Because I thought it was different, and I thought it was real, and that I wanted him—not just someone, him . So, I let myself try again. And I fell for someone’s bullshit, again . I probably wanted to fall for it. I’m on some twisted self-sabotage kick where I throw myself at manipulative dickheads—”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Jen said, holding up a hand. “Nik, the guy you were fake-dating? What happened?”
So, Aria told her. Aria told her everything. And at the end of the most disjointed, teary, self-pitying speech of her life, she looked up to find her best friend frowning at the wall like it held the secrets of the cosmos.
After a slight pause, Jen said, “There are a couple of things I need to say.”
“O…kay?”
“First of all, Nik is a dickhead.”
Aria laughed and accidentally blew a snot bubble. A snot bubble . Would these indignities never end?
“Nice,” Jen said dryly.
“I told you to stop making me laugh.”
“My wit is too powerful to contain, unfortunately.”
Aria rolled her eyes and reached for the tissues.
“The second thing I want to say,” Jen went on, “is that I understand why you’re doubting yourself. Because you’ve definitely made some unhealthy relationship choices. I can’t lie, I was glad when you stopped wifing any guy with functioning private parts, but not because I think there’s something wrong with you. I think you’re amazing. You love so easily.”
Aria grimaced.
“That’s not a bad thing! That’s a gift. I’ve always been so jealous of you. It’s like you don’t have a well that can run dry, you don’t have a barrier or a limit. You just love and love and love, and it never runs out, and you’re never afraid. Sometimes people take advantage of you, but that is not your fault—no matter how many times it happens.” Aria opened her mouth to protest, but Jen held up a hand and speared her with a look. “I don’t care. It is not your fault . Everyone wants love, and you’ve got a lake of it. The people who know they don’t deserve it will always be first in line, because they’re thirsty. And they know how to play you, because you’re too sweet to think the way they do. Like, you cannot comprehend their evil.” Aria winced as Jen tapped her on the forehead. “You have a mind of hearts and flowers.”
“No offence, but that is complete bullshit. I am not sweet .”
“You are. You’re like a loyal Alsatian. You will maul someone if necessary, but it’s always out of love. I just wish you’d protect yourself as much as you protect everyone else.” Jen paused. “Although, it sounds like you’ve started to. And, while I approve wholeheartedly, I do have one last point to make.”
Wariness settled over Aria. She picked up her mug of tea and took a fortifying sip. “What?”
“Like I said, Nik is a dick… but…”
“I don’t like that but , Jen.”
“ But , you really like him. And he loves you.”
Aria shook her head jerkily. “No. He doesn’t. He—he lied to me—”
“I’m not saying you should trust him, but let’s just pretend—for argument’s sake—that everything he’s told you is true. If you look at it that way, the story goes something like this: raging man-slut with zero relationship experience falls in love at first sight, doesn’t know how to cope with his feelings, and cooks up a desperate plot to keep the object of his affections in his life. Gives her ridiculous amounts of money and takes her on a truly excellent holiday. Makes her happy, treats her well, bestows many orgasms, admits he loves her and comes clean about everything.” Jen paused. “I don’t know, Ari. Does he sound like a dick? Yes. Completely. Does he sound like an evil, manipulative scumbag? Not exactly.”
“So, the best-case scenario,” Aria said frostily, “is that he’s a non-evil, slightly manipulative dick.”
“Do you think he manipulated you into liking him?”
“Yes!”
“How?”
Aria stared at her friend. Jen was usually so smart, and yet, all of a sudden, she had become unbelievably ditsy. “He lied to me, so I’d spend a week pretending to be his girlfriend.”
“Okay. But if that whole fake-girlfriend thing had been legit, do you think you’d have fallen for him anyway?”
“I—yes? I don’t know. Probably? Well, fuck, yes, definitely. But it doesn’t matter, because it wasn’t legit.”
“Right. He manipulated you into being around him. The thing is, though, it doesn’t sound like he manipulated you into liking him. Unless you think he was fake the whole time—like, he put on some act to make you fall for him. Or he hid some fundamental part of himself that would’ve changed everything.”
Aria forced hot tea past her cold lips. It landed with a sickening slosh in her belly. “No. No. I don’t think he did that.”
“Okay,” Jen said softly. “So, however you feel about him, or felt, before he told you the truth… that’s real. And if you really did care about him, maybe— maybe —you should consider giving him a chance to make it up to you.”
Aria thought about that for a second. She really, really did. But her mind threw up a single answer, undeniable as a brick wall. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
Jen gave her a sad smile. “Okay, honey. That’s okay. It was a rather big lie.”
But it wasn’t Nik’s lie that kept Aria awake that night, her stomach roiling and tears rolling down her cheeks. She barely thought about the lie at all.
Two images kept her up, flashing back and forth in her mind until they seemed to blur together. The look on Nik’s face, when she’d told him she was leaving—as if his heart had broken and his world had ended.
And the look on Simon’s, when he’d put a gun to her best friend’s head.