Love All, Trust Few
Wanna try my new batch?” Cam flashed a bashful smile. Like Lusa, he couldn’t use the Lake’s DocPod, but Jenni’s lab had managed to make testosterone. Uncle Cam had never been happier.
After the incident with Danica, Lusa was always guarded around him. But Cam, unlike Alana, had dismissed it as young love. He persisted in his discomforting friendliness that she could never force herself to trust. She deserved to be hated.
“Sure,” Lusa said. Not rude, but not enthusiastic either.
Cam did not get the hint and he poured a generous pint of amber-coloured ale.
Lusa took a sip. Bready, with a minty bitterness and a clean finish. Quite good, actually, but she couldn’t force her mouth to praise it. She nodded instead. “Thanks.”
Cam beamed and lowered his head to hide the redness in his face.
The testosterone had given him a slight stubble, though his face was still round.
Even Lusa’s was more square than his. She was taller and more muscular too.
She wondered if that bothered him. If seeing Sparx transition on a whim because she could use the DocPod and he couldn’t, bothered him.
If she hadn’t been such a stubborn arse all these years, she could ask, but she didn’t have that kind of relationship with him. She was bad at relationships.
“Hey.”
Lusa turned toward the sound. Maya half-waved awkwardly – the sort you do when you like someone but you don’t want to make it look like you’re too excited to see them.
As a result, it makes it even more obvious that you like them.
That and the immaculately tousled chestnut hair, fresh makeup and low-cut blouse. This had been planned.
Lusa smiled politely, and did a mental check-in.
Was she up for a quick fuck? She had to get up early tomorrow and didn’t need the hassle of kicking Maya out, but she could maybe do something after.
She allowed her eyes to rake over Maya. She was pretty, but had never shown interest in anyone but trader boys. “Hey.”
“Can I sit?” Maya started toward the chair across from Lusa.
“Yeah, sure.” She shifted and pulled the table closer.
Cam appeared out of nowhere and presented a second pint for Maya.
“Oh!” Maya smiled wide. “Thank you!”
Cam winked at Lusa. “Thank her, she’s paying for it.”
Her face radiating, Maya turned toward Lusa, who now couldn’t help but blush. Why was Cam doing this to her?
Oblivious to it all, Maya started up the conversation.
“You’re the one who’s always on the training course, right?
” She stared, rapt, as if she didn’t already know the answer.
She wouldn’t be the first girl to gawk at Lusa’s arms. Usually she kept them covered up, but on the training course, they would be on full display.
“Yeah, I guess.” Lusa leaned back in her chair. “Did you want me to show you the run?” She knew Maya didn’t care about the run. She wanted Lusa alone, so she would say
“Yes!” Right on cue.
The girls, even the straight ones would occasionally seek her out for a release.
Asking for it was always a dance. Sometimes they pulled her away immediately.
Sometimes they played coy for a bit longer.
There would be a half-serious attempt at throwing knives and occasionally, a fall off the balance beam so Lusa could rush in and catch them.
There would be snogging and a suggestion to go back to someone’s MobilePod.
They never reciprocated, which was fine by her.
They loved her arms and her height, but being touched anywhere else by a woman who felt obligated gave Lusa the ick.
There would be no illusion of attachments.
Because that meant feelings and those sorts of feelings led to Lusa losing control. And Lusa could never lose control again.
Lusa left later than she should have, but she went home alone. She’d lied and said she was on her period. Maya’s kiss-swollen lips told her she didn’t mind, but she understood and there was a vague promise to maybe do this again.
She took care of herself with a small vibrator.
Sparx had snuck it back for her since she’d been banned from going to Tyton.
At first, she’d been mortified and refused to look at it for six months.
Curiosity, or more accurately need had won out after she ran across Chelsea and Anna in the greenhouse.
The consequences of an entire generation of isolated, nanite-free girls hitting maturity while waiting to find virus-free males probably hadn’t been considered by her moms. Or if they had, they definitely weren’t part of the initial conversations with the other ghosts.
“Pinga.” Lusa banged on the door of Pinga’s MobilePod.
There was no answer. Lusa looked around.
In the greenhouse, Grandma Cat dug potatoes with her four younger sisters.
Panik and Kuak squealed like demons, tearing up hunks of black soil in the morning damp.
Ila and Amka were old enough to gather potatoes without causing quite as much of a ruckus.
Lusa discreetly slipped a bobby pin from her hair.
“I wouldn’t do that.”
Lusa turned. Cat looked up at her from behind a potato plant.
“We need to go and she’s not answering the door.”
Cat’s shoulders moved a fraction of a centimetre. “I’m not going to stop you. I just said I wouldn’t go in there.” She pulled a potato stem and shook the dirt off. “Not that I could stop you from doing anything. You’re very much like your mother.”
The corner of Lusa’s lip hinted upward. “Which one?” As if it wasn’t obvious.
Leaning against the greenhouse doorframe, Cat waited for the spectacle to begin.
Forehead tightening, Lusa concentrated on the lock. A soft click and the door sprang open, hitting her with a warm gust of sex and morning sweat. Lusa regretted her decision immediately.
Two figures lying dead still in the bed soured her mood even further. “Pinga, get the fuck up.”
Grunting, Pinga slipped gracelessly out from under the covers, her orange hair a lopsided mess. She squinted at the sunlight streaming through the window. A body in the mass of blankets rolled over, revealing a tangle of auburn curls.
“Danica?” Lusa looked to Pinga. “Does Emma know?”
Emma padded barefoot out of the lav, wearing nothing but the toothbrush hanging from her mouth. “Know what?”
“So judgy.” Pinga muttered.
Lusa made a face and tried to breathe through her mouth, making sure her sister could see. “Just hurry up. We’re leaving at ten.”
“We’re leaving when I get there.” Pinga’s arm snaked around Emma’s waist on her way to the sink. Emma blushed with the same intensity as Lusa’s frown lines. Danica rolled over and went back to sleep.
Lusa waited until the door closed before she blew out her cheeks, eyebrows threatening to angle permanently downward.
“I did warn you.” Cat sat on the step of the MobilePod. Lusa hadn’t even noticed her there.
“Why is she like this?” Lusa hoped she sounded exasperated, but the threat of tears pricked behind her eyes.
“You mean popular?” Cat left the girls in the greenhouse and sat on the steps, leaving enough room for Lusa to join her.
Lusa didn’t really have time, but Pinga was right. They weren’t going anywhere without her. She sat and let Cat braid her hair. “I mean irresponsible.”
“You’ll find your person.” Cat pulled a strand taut and crossed the hair under. Cat always seemed to know the real reason.
“I’ve found plenty.” Not that it was a secret, but Lusa didn’t want to elaborate on her sex life in front of her grandmother.
“Hmm.” Cat hummed, working around her ear. “Your person will be someone you can be yourself around. Not just a quick fuck.”
“Grandma!” Lusa objected.
“Pinga is more palatable to a lot of different people. Her person is probably the same as a million others.”
“Irresponsibility is popular.” Lusa admitted.
“Your person will be rare. They have to be able to handle you.” Cat pulled the braid for emphasis before tying it off.
Lusa doubted her grandmother had been told the exact nature of her transgressions, but Cat continued.
“You’re going to ruin worlds for them. You’ll be their own personal Ozymandias. Not many people can accept that kind of love.”
Pinga burst through the door before Lusa could respond, her mohawk freshly styled and bomber jacket hanging stylishly off of her titanium shoulder. “Let’s go,” she called, as if it wasn’t her who was making them late.
Lusa fumed.
“Take care of your sister.” Cat smirked. “She needs it.”
“Finally letting their precious girls out of their sight.” Pinga commented once they were in the air.
Lusa cocked an eyebrow, but didn’t look up from the tablet with the info Siku had given her. “Hardly. Tornit, Alana and half a dozen guns are on the other transport. And we’ve been to plenty of trading camps.”
“Yeah, but not to Tyton. Not since…” Pinga curled her metal fingers.
Lusa set the tablet aside. She clearly wasn’t going to get anything else done. “We were only banned for a couple of years. There just hasn’t been a reason to go back.”
Pinga snorted derisively. “Or they’re afraid we’ll get tempted by someone’s cyber-dick and ruin all their hard work. Pinga thrust her hips salaciously.
Lusa raised the other eyebrow. It was oddly comforting to know that she wasn’t the only one who felt diminished by the importance of her fertility. Her and Pinga hadn’t connected over much lately.
Rationally, she had no claim on who Pinga found attractive, but it hurt that she’d found common ground with other girls when the conversation turned to boys, as it did more and more frequently.
And while it wasn’t the only thing that marked her as different, Lusa still felt abandoned.
It didn’t matter that there were no men to be had.
“You can have my uterus if you fuck yours up. I won’t be using it.” A snide jest was all the emotion Lusa could bear to show. Solidarity from behind her walls.
Pinga grinned as if Lusa had given her the greatest compliment. “If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have made that trader boy wear a condom.”
Lusa’s eyes exploded. “Do moms know?” she whispered. “Are you running away?”
“Nah,” Pinga leaned back, making no effort to keep her voice down. “He was pretty, but the sex was… abrupt.”
Lusa froze, mind racing to calculate what combination of facial muscles would make her stop talking right now.
Pinga took it as an invitation to continue. “I told Auntie Sparx and she said that’s about what I should expect, so I don’t think I could ever give up sex with women.”
Recovering from the initial shock, Lusa realised she would need to use her words, but Pinga kept going before she could form them.
“Like, looking at them is just…” Pinga swooned. “And having something inside you is amazing, but you’re barely there and it’s over and I’m just getting warmed up at that point, and I can’t really say I’m a fan of the hair on the face, but…”
“Pinga oh my god, stop.” Lusa finally managed to blurt out.
“What?” Pinga looked genuinely confused.
“You’re my sister. I don’t need to picture you naked with some man.”
Pinga did not appear to be offended in the least. Nor did she appear to understand Lusa’s objections. “I’ve seen you naked. Lots. Not with a man, though. You’re not into that.”
Lusa wondered whether Pinga had ever had a single thought she hadn’t verbalised.
“The girls are really into you though.”
“Wait what?” Lusa suddenly became a lot more interested in this conversation. “Back up, you’ve seen me with who exactly?”
“Everyone knows what happens at the training run, Lu,” Pinga said with the sort of tone you might use to explain something to a toddler.
“And I’ve been asked to tell you to wear tank tops more often.
They’re afraid to tell you themselves, because, well, you’re you, but they think you’re hot.
In like, a scary, mysterious sort of way. ” Pinga waggled her fingers.
“Who told you that?” Lusa squeaked, uncomfortable at how high her voice had gone.
“Everyone!” Pinga spread her hands as wide as her grin. “You’re the catch that everyone wants to pin down. How do you not know this?”
Lusa wrapped her arms around her chest, as if that would hide them. “I can’t. You know they don’t really want me.” It was easier to say that than the real reason. Lusa’s heart would shatter the instant they saw her lose control and she hated being that weak.
Even Pinga could tell from her body language that the conversation was over. “That was years ago,” she whispered as a half-apology, but Lusa didn’t respond.