Let Not Light See My Black and Deep Desires
Kerr’s Opti woke her. Something was moving in her flat. Finding a darker shape in a dark room, her Opti adjusted for the low light conditions. There were no intruders, only Lusa.
But just in case. Kerr let her eyes linger for a few moments longer.
Movement. Deliberate, too. Not the spasms of a restless sleep.
Not quite believing what she saw, Kerr blinked. Was Lusa masturbating? In her bed? Kerr froze. If Lusa found out Kerr knew what she was doing, watching her, she would die. But she couldn’t not watch.
Your club, your rules. Lusa had said that, right? Pleasure yourself in my bed, I get to watch. Those are my rules. Kerr was pretty sure Lusa wouldn’t agree to that.
Still though. This was fucking hot. If Lusa found out she’d been watching, she would have to admit to what she was doing.
Kerr slipped ceramic fingers between her legs. The tips warmed and hummed. The vibration may have been programmed into her arm for sonic cleaning to keep the joints clear, but dammit, a girl had needs.
Checking for any sign that Lusa had heard the sonic cleaner, Kerr stared, unblinking until her eyes stung. Lusa may not have aural processors, but still. There was no sudden stop, only the silent rhythm of a hand beneath the sheets. Kerr relaxed.
Her shadow tensing, Kerr pressed harder, angling her fingers.
God, this was so hot. What she wouldn’t give to know what Lusa was thinking.
What images were parading through her mind?
Were they vanilla? Or so depraved that she would never share them in a million years?
Would she be shocked if she knew? Or delighted?
Most importantly, was she thinking of her?
Kerr hoped she was. Kerr desperately wanted to be the face of her fantasy.
The one who was touching her with the backs of her fingers.
The one whose eyes lit up when she discovered a pleasurable spot.
The one whose face hovered over her own.
Whose breath tumbled over her throat. Whose hair hid her from view. Whose lips were coated in her.
Biting down hard on her lip, the iron tang of blood trickled across her tongue. She couldn’t find the will to care.
What would she taste like? That stupid kiss at the bar had been too quick. Her lips had been so full and soft, even if they hid a hunger. Hid it too well. Kerr cursed herself for not seeing it.
What if she’d said yes when Lusa asked if she was trying to hook up with her? She could be with her right now, but she’d blown her chance. She could have had all the answers to her lecherous questions.
A soft rustle of blankets. Lusa’s hips angled upward.
Was she thinking of Kerr inside her? Which hand?
How many fingers? Did she prefer it when she curled them into that spot just inside?
Or a gentle stroke against it? Or maybe she wanted that feeling of fullness?
The stretch of her body taking whatever she could get?
Kerr loved that one most of all – slow, steady thrusts that made fingers feel like they were as long as winter.
Openly bleeding now, Kerr bit harder. The sonic cleaning cycle stopped and she’d need to wait another 15 minutes before it would boot up again. Finishing manually would have to suffice. Small circles. She could do that. Keeping quiet would be the hard part.
Lusa’s mouth fell open. God, she was exquisite.
The scant space between them might as well be a terrible chasm.
She shouldn’t be watching this. She should respect her privacy and turn around.
She should shut her eyes and pretend this wasn’t happening.
But she couldn’t. Kerr pressed harder. Too hard.
Forcing herself to close her eyes for a moment, Kerr needed to cool down before she screamed. Sensing danger, her aural processors betrayed her, adjusting to amplify the tiniest sound. She cursed herself for forgetting to turn them off for the night until the delectable torture began.
The heavy thud of Lusa’s heart slamming into her ribcage. The open-mouthed pants, carefully controlled to make as little noise as possible. The bunching of fisted fabric. The slide of her fingers along the parts of her Kerr desperately wanted to touch. And taste. She heard it all.
Were she less of a fuckup, Kerr could savour it. She could let the temptation wash over her, appreciate how desire could grow so vast that you would remember the release forever. But she wasn’t. Kerr was impatient, impulsive and she needed to finish now.
Her hand returned to her aching clit, the brief absence only making it worse. Lusa’s heartbeat set the tempo. She was close. They both were.
Kerr stuffed her forearm in her mouth, biting down hard. Her aural processors making Lusa’s near-silent whimper sound like roar as she came. Kerr unravelled.
The two of them lay still and silent, one hundred and two centimetres apart, mouths agape, so the other wouldn’t hear their laboured breaths.
Except Kerr could. Kerr knew what had happened. And Kerr couldn’t tell a soul.
Kerr didn’t even know if she had been on her mind. Perhaps she’d stolen those moments while Lusa thought of another girl. Would she be angry that Kerr had been with Lusa, while she was not? The green monster growled low in her chest. Kerr was jealous of her already.
But Lusa hadn’t mentioned anyone. She could have said she had a partner after Kerr had kissed her. But she hadn’t. It was tenuous, but enough that Kerr could tell the monster to calm down.
In the dark, now that her mind had cleared, she set her aural processors to night-mode. The hush of noise-cancelling soundwaves flooded her ears. She allowed herself a few moments to admire the rapid rise and fall of Lusa’s chest as she descended.
Kerr turned off her Opti and went to sleep.
Steam curled around her in the shower as she replayed the footage from last night. The monster kept prodding her to scour it for any sign that Lusa had said her name. Or someone else’s. Kerr found none.
It was pointless anyway. They were going to meet with Chalice, tell her the plan failed and then Lusa would take her sister and leave. That’s if everything went well. If it didn’t, Lusa would murder them both. Pinga may or may not survive.
Kerr wrapped herself in a towel, only to find Lusa awake and in her underwear. Unable to stop herself from running her eyes across her body, drinking in the way her flawless sienna skin flowed so smoothly across her muscles, Kerr managed to keep her mouth closed. Barely.
“What happened to your lip?” Lusa did not seem at all concerned about Kerr catching her in this state.
Kerr touched her face. “I banged it in the shower,” she lied. “Is that what woke you?”
“How do you bang your lip in the shower?” Lusa shimmied into her TacPants.
Kerr shrugged. “I slipped.” It was a terrible excuse, but thankfully Lusa didn’t press further.
“Thanks for putting me up overnight. It was cool of you.” Lusa seemed flustered, but sincere.
Kerr met her eyes, but tried not to look too long.
She wanted answers. Wanted to know if she was thinking of her last night, but you can’t just say that.
Instead, she stood awkwardly, trying not to let her gaze wander too far down the line of her throat.
Tried not to comment that Lusa hadn’t put on a shirt yet.
Tried not to curse the thin sports bra hiding everything she wanted to see right now.
“It was kinda nice having company, yeah?” That was a weird thing to say.
Why had she said that? Flashing a grin, she hoped that would smooth it over.
Lusa’s eyebrow twitched, but she moved on. “It was still cool.” Inhaling sharply, Lusa held her breath for a beat. “I’m sorry I took your arm. I don’t think I apologised for that.”
“I did shoot your sister.” Kerr swept an errant strand of hair behind her ear. She wasn’t sure where this was going, but she liked the direction.
“You still have her.” Lusa’s tone took Kerr by surprise. She wasn’t wrong and Kerr reminded herself not to let her hopes run away with her. She needed to lighten the mood.
“You were supposed to say, I’m glad you shot my sister.” Kerr smiled weakly.
Lusa’s blank stare provided no confidence that she appreciated the joke.
Kerr did the only thing she knew how to do once she’d dug herself a hole, which was to keep digging. “Come on, you’re saying you’ve never thought about shooting Pinga?”
Lusa sat warily and rummaged around her rucksack. Kerr thought she saw a hint of a smile. “I hate guns. I’m a terrible shot.”
Kerr smiled, relieved she’d broken the tension. “Is that why you use knives?”
Lusa pulled out a tank top to Kerr’s dismay. She stared at it for a moment, like she was considering how much to say. “No.”
“Okay, but it brought you here, and now we’re hanging out.” Kerr pulled her towel tighter. “Which is cool.”
“Do you really not have any friends?” Lusa changed the subject, pulling the shirt over her head. Straightening it, Lusa stood impatiently, ready to go.
Looking down at her towel, Kerr was the opposite of ready to go.
“Most of my friends live at MB12, they’re not always at hand, right?
” It wasn’t a lie. But not the whole truth either.
Her friends had pulled away because they didn’t want to upset Chalice.
Being the ex of the boss had cast an unexpected shadow over all of her relationships and Chalice hadn’t exactly let her move on either.
Kerr had been in a sort of uneasy purgatory for the last decade.
Lusa looked like she was thinking it over, parsing and picking apart her words for their hidden meaning. “Okay,” she said finally. What conclusion she had reached, Kerr couldn’t guess, but she wasn’t judging her, so she would take it.
Pulling a few things from her dresser, Kerr scurried back to the lav to change. “You know we wouldn’t kill Pinga, right?” she called. She returned wearing TacPants and a tattered grey crop. “Ready?”
Hoping that Lusa would say no so she could keep getting to know her better, Kerr was dismayed when Lusa held out her helmet.
“Let’s see if Chalice survived my sister.
” The corner of Lusa’s upturned lip carried so much unspoken possibility that Kerr’s mind raced to fill.
Why was she so desperate to impress her?
Even if everything she wanted happened, Lusa would be gone by the end of the day.
This entire fantasy she’d made up could only end poorly.
But Kerr couldn’t help it. She took the helmet and beamed.