Our Doubts Are Traitors
Her mom found her pinning Alana against the wall with a knife to her throat. “Come on, Lusa, let’s go train.”
Lusa shoved Alana back into the wall before sheathing her blade.
Alana rolled her eyes and took a breath. “You know I could have thrown you off, right? You’re lucky I pinged your mom instead.”
Talia shot her a look. Alana’s mouth clamped shut before she said something else she’d regret. Lusa stared, eyes seething with a slight shake of her head before she left abruptly. Alana and Talia followed.
“Why is she coming?” Lusa spat.
“Because you’re a psychopath.” Alana grabbed a pistol before shutting the door. “Both of you.” Talia raised an eyebrow. “But I also like Kerr.” She brushed an invisible strand of hair from her face. “And I’ve been an arse.”
Another half-apology, but Lusa didn’t have it in her to object. She wheeled around and sprinted to the training area.
“Getting old sucks, huh?” Alana cleaned her pistol while Talia stretched her back. She leaned forward, forearms over her loosely crossed legs to the periodic thunks of metal on wood. Lusa had new blisters on her fingers, but she wouldn’t stop.
And now, she no longer had the strength to retrieve her knives.
The slab of birch had been so thoroughly abused that the last one had pierced the log up to the grip.
The final indignity broke her and Lusa fell, crying.
That was Talia's cue. She gathered her limbs and lumbered over to her daughter. Alana stood quickly to follow.
“Why am I like this?” she sobbed.
Held tight in Talia’s long arms, Lusa felt small and vulnerable. She hated the feeling almost as much as standing a head taller than everyone else.
“Probably because I am.” Talia squeezed. “Sorry about that.”
“I always thought it was because of the Natalists.” Folding her legs under herself Alana sat next to Lusa. “Georg probably didn’t know much about raising a teenager either.” She reached out, making eye contact with Talia before stroking Lusa’s back.
It wasn’t fair, being stuck here, surrounded by women who were content to use her, but would never really want her. It wasn’t fair to them, either, having her as their only option. But Lusa had had a real chance at happiness and Alana had ruined it.
But she didn’t flinch away when Alana’s hand made contact either. Part of her knew that it wasn’t really her fault. Part of her craved the comfort. And though she played the part well, Alana was only a scapegoat for the real problem. Lusa was simply too much. For anyone.
“I should stab you.” She continued crying. It felt good to cry.
“You're too tired and it wouldn't fix anything, but I'd probably deserve it.” Alana joked.
“I already stabbed her.” Talia eyed the scar on Alana’s hand, the one that probably saved Kerr’s life by knocking her rifle away as she fired. “She survived.”
Talia released her and leaned against the well-splintered log, drawing circles in the soil with one of her own blades.” Why weren't you with Kerr?”
“I was.” Lusa said, a little too quickly.
“Were you?” Talia absentmindedly drew a heart.
The shape seemed so out of character for her. For her mask. The one she kept up when she battled her demons, or helped Lusa control hers.
Lusa didn’t want to be like that. Letting down her constant guard with Caoimhe only made her bones tired when she put her armour back on. There could only be one solution.
“Why aren't you still there? Did you have a fight?” It wouldn't be the first fight her mother had to talk Lusa through.
But it wasn’t that. They hadn’t fought. Lusa was all too aware of her own shortcomings. She could see her own trajectory. She hurt people. She would always hurt people.
Reaching her decision, Lusa’s roaring storm died to a disturbing calm.
Sometimes, solutions were obvious and it was only your lack of courage holding you back.
If she was too much, she needed to become less.
She rose to her feet and took a deep breath, righting her composure. “I need to deal with this myself.”
The door opened quietly. Kerr looked toward the sound. “Sorry,” Talia muttered. “I know you were hoping for Lusa.”
“Does she do this a lot?” Kerr strained her eyes, trying to get a better view.
“You have no idea.” Talia pulled up a chair. “It's my fault, really. Callie and Cat tried their best, but she ended up latching on to me. I'll admit, it felt good being the chosen mom. Except I know about as much about mothering as I do about fishing.”
“I don’t know what fishing is.”
“All I know is that, even if it works, stabbing them is bad.” Talia slouched, struggling to find comfort in a hard plastic chair.
Aside from her height, she hardly resembled Lusa, but in her mannerisms, the quiet confidence that masked a wild energy screaming below the surface, they might as well be clones.
Silence dragged on for too long, but Talia wasn’t leaving and Kerr couldn’t. She could vent to Greasegun about her flings and Piston had no illusions about Chalice. Talia gave her the impression that if she said the wrong thing, she’d be killed.
On the other hand, Kerr needed to talk to someone and death would be preferable to living like this. “I don't want to give out about your daughter, but she's acting shite about this whole thing.”
Kerr looked straight at the ceiling out of fear of making eye contact with Talia, but she heard the chair scrape. She waited for the blow, but nothing happened.
“Go on.” Talia’s contralto tones threatened her, but Kerr couldn’t stop now.
“I don’t have much of a choice, yeah? I already said I wouldn't get her pregnant.” Kerr flushed. “Sorry, you probably don't want to talk about your daughter's sex life.”
Talia moved so Kerr could see her. She wore the same lopsided smile that Lusa did. The one that said she enjoyed making people uncomfortable.
“What else can I do, yeah?” She wanted to throw up her arms in frustration. “I don't even know why computer girl can't give me the new body without sticking balls in it! But my options are die or lay here until I die.”
“We wouldn't let you sit here until you died.” Talia shifted forward in her seat. “We need the space for other patients.”
Dark humour as a facade, but the corner of her mouth rose. That’s where Lusa got it.
Talia placed a hand on her leg. Kerr couldn’t feel it, but she could appreciate the gesture. Perhaps a life outside of Tyton wouldn’t be so bad.
“I'm sure you've figured out by now that Lusa has a hard time controlling herself when her feelings get too big.”
Kerr remembered well. The killing spree when she thought Kerr was in danger. The aftermath in the bedroom. Her confession. “That’s a bit stingy.”
There was a snort of a laugh. “She gets all of the worst things from me. Sorry.”
“How do you deal with it?” Kerr realised that might be too personal of a question, but Talia obliged.
“Poorly.” Talia lowered her head. “I had hormone regulators once. I overloaded two of them. Now, Callie and Sesi keep me stable.”
Then it hit. “Bollocks.” Kerr mouthed it more than said it. “I know what this is about.” She wanted to sit up and grab Talia by the shoulders but couldn't, so she transferred as much energy as she could into her eyes. “Will you get her for me?”
“Did she tell you she'd be back?”
“Yes.”
Talia patted her leg, but shook her head. “Then she'll be back when she's ready. Lusa has her faults, most of them from me, but she'll always keep her word.” Talia stood. “That part, she gets from Sesi.”
“But she’s going to do something stupid before she gets back!” Kerr’s jaw hurt trying to move her head, frustrated that Talia wasn’t getting the urgency of the situation.
Like she was beaming paragraphs of information into her that Kerr couldn’t comprehend, Talia stared, unblinking. “Already taken care of.”
It sounded vaguely threatening, but Kerr couldn’t parse any of it. “Just tell me she’ll be okay.”
“Okay will depend on you.” Talia sat down again. “But she’ll come back in one piece.”
Kerr strained her forehead. “Are you asking about my intentions?”
Talia nearly choked laughing. “If you break her heart, she’ll kill you long before I find out.”
“I don’t know if we’re there yet.” How serious were they?
What stage of the relationship was it where she kills for you?
Where you run and she still comes after you?
Kerr might have made the first move, but Lusa had gone so far beyond what was expected.
What more proof did she need that Lusa wasn’t like Chalice or any of the other girls she’d dated?
But big feelings and grand gestures don’t make a relationship, no matter how good the sex. All Kerr wanted was a chance to try and that involved repairing her body, losing what made them work in the first place.
Watching her process it all was the terrifying woman who knew Lusa best. Kerr decided it couldn’t hurt to ask since she had the opportunity. “We’ve only known each other a few days. Anything you’d care to share about your daughter?”
“You want me to speak ill of her?” Talia seemed amused rather than offended.
“Not exactly.” Kerr tried to organise her thoughts. “I can’t go back home without implants. I just want to know what I’m getting into. Whatever you tell me, it can’t be worse than when she took my arm or killed Piston.”
“I killed Piston,” Talia said without a hint of remorse.
Kerr’s already pale skin turned paler.
“You think a fifteen-year-old was a match for a gang leader? Lusa ran off before we could stop her. Callie and I got there just in time.”
“Why didn’t she te…”
Talia cut her off. “That’s how Lusa is.” Talia swallowed thickly.
“She may be uncontrollable and a bit rough, but she will take all the blame and all the responsibility for everyone. She will protect the people she loves with everything she has.” She wiped at her eye with the back of her hand, laughing.
“Half of the shit we punished her for was Pinga’s fault.
We only found out years later.” Talia exhaled like the heaviness of worrying about her daughter could be carried away on her breath.
“I didn’t know.”
“She’s bad at letting people know.” Talia agreed. “And she knows it.” She paused, massaging her fingers. “Lusa won’t settle for anyone who can’t handle her. But when she finds that person, nothing else will stop her.”
“That’s what I’m worried about.” Kerr tried to flex her fingers. “If I do this. If I stay.” Kerr tried to think of a delicate way to talk about her enhanced strength being a component of their compatibility.
Talia nodded sagely before Kerr found the words. “Leave that to me.” She pointed a finger. “You can’t go running off again every time someone looks at her, though. The girls here are so frustrated that they won’t leave her alone. You’re going to have to accept that. You need to trust her.”
Kerr felt her jealousy bubble up at the thought of hundreds of women throwing themselves at Lusa. “I’ll try.”