Chapter 32
POPPY
“Are you sure you’ll be okay staying here on your own while I’m away?” Jett asks me as he follows me into my apartment.
It started snowing again today, so we decided it would be easier to stay here in Heartwood tonight, rather than make the drive back to Banff.
Jett will get a car to the airport in the morning to catch his flight to Whistler for the World Cup Qualifier.
I’ve never had a man stay in my apartment before, but by now I’m so accustomed to being around him, having him here doesn’t feel strange. Still, he’s a big presence in my small space, though a welcome one. A comforting one.
“Don’t be doing that, now,” I warn, taking off my toque and mittens and throwing them in the basket by the front door. “I’ve managed on my own just fine my entire adult life.”
“My bad.” Jett removes his coat and hangs it on the rack. “I just worry about you, now. Can’t help it.”
A warm feeling expands within me. Even though I like my independence, and I pride myself in never having to rely on anyone, it’s nice to have someone looking out for me. Caring about my well-being.
“Well, thanks,” I say. “But really, I’m okay. I like being alone here. And I have Cordelia.”
We dropped her off this morning before we went over to the school, and I could tell she was glad to be home.
Though, I will admit that she’s made herself fairly comfortable at Jett’s over the last few weeks. And it’s hard for me to tell which place she prefers. I think the same could be said about me, too.
Being alone in my apartment used to be the only place I was truly comfortable. Somewhere over the last few weeks, that has shifted. My comfort zone has expanded. I’ve grown a lot beyond these walls. All thanks to Jett.
His speech today rang true somewhere deep, his words settling within me and making themselves at home in my heart.
That’s all that really matters, isn’t it? Finding the people who trust you, believe in you, make you feel safe.
The line may have been rehearsed, it might have even been written and crafted by Brooke. But I didn’t see Jett reading it from his notes.
He was looking right at me.
Sometime in the last few weeks Jett and I have created a safe space between us. It’s like in being the only two people who know the whole truth of this relationship, we’ve bonded. We’re honest with each other. And for the first time in a long time, someone really sees me, too.
Cordelia immediately races over to the door, her paws making soft pat pat pats on the hardwood floor as she beelines toward Jett and nuzzles her face into his leg. Her purring is a gentle rumble as he bends down and scratches her ears.
“Hey pretty girl,” he murmurs softly.
“You said you’re allergic to cats,” I point out, my tone light.
“I am,” he says, looking up at me from where he’s still bent over, petting the top of her head.
Cordelia closes her eyes and lifts her head for more contact.
“But I’m not going to ignore her, am I?”
“If you say so.” A smirk tugs at my mouth as a silence settles between us.
Jett stands now and lifts our bags off the floor to take them into my bedroom next to the kitchen. By the time he comes back out, I’ve filled the kettle to make some tea.
He settles in on the couch as if this isn’t the first time he’s made himself at home here.
Once I flick the kettle on, I come to sit next to him.
My couch is so much tinier than his, and I have to tuck my legs up if I don’t want to touch him.
I don’t think I could handle touching Jett after the way I thought about him last night when I…
touched myself. Just a graze of his skin against mine would set me ablaze.
My cheeks heat just thinking about it.
“You sure got raked over the coals today,” I say, hoping to take my mind off the memory.
“Those teens are nothing like the reporters I face at press conferences,” he chuckles.
I nod in agreement. Now I know first-hand how ruthless they can be.
“You were a lot more candid with them than you ever are with reporters,” I point out.
Jett turns to look at me now, his dark eyes pinning me. Not because of how intense they are, but for the fact that I want to bask in the warmth of his attention forever.
“I didn’t see a reason not to be,” he says. “You’ve softened me, Pops.”
“You said you were lonely. Is that true?” I ask.
It’s not the first time I considered that Jett has been changing before my very eyes. Letting me see a part of him that he never shows the world. But he’s been letting more people see the softer sides of him, too.
“Obviously I led a fun lifestyle,” he replies with a shrug.
He glances down into his lap, though. Not as nonchalant about the whole thing as he’d like to let on.
“But it was starting to feel empty. I keep thinking about what you said, about wanting people to love you for who you really are. I’m not so sure I know who I am anymore.
But I think I’m starting to figure it out. ”
“Do you think you might want a happily ever after, after all?” A spark flickers to life within me, a feeling I can’t make sense of. A feeling of excitement thinking Jett might want the same things as me. A happy ending I’ve only just started to let myself believe in again.
“Don’t go crazy, Pops,” Jett cautions, and the spark snuffs out.
“I don’t know yet. Happy endings are scary.
You set yourself up for a lot of loss and pain.
I was young when my mom died, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t understand how her loss impacted everyone around me.
My dad lost his soul mate, and he was never the same.
Happily ever after is only happy for now. It always ends somehow.”
My chest aches at the realization that Jett doesn’t avoid relationships because he doesn’t feel anything, he avoids them because he’s scared.
“That’s kind of the point, isn’t it? If it never ended, you wouldn’t appreciate what you have. It’s the knowing that nothing lasts forever that gives it meaning. Take my illness for example. I wouldn’t appreciate the good days without the bad ones. No rain, no flowers.”
Jett contemplates my answer for a moment, his mouth forming a tight line. Then, his expression shifts, like the very discussion of it is too heavy and he doesn’t want to hold it.
“I just think life is too short to be sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting tired of the way things have been, never getting attached at all. I just don’t know what it means yet.”
I force a lighthearted smile.
“I won’t bother asking you what I was going to ask you, then,” I say, redirecting the conversation to something lighter, something that has been taking over every one of my thoughts. “Now that I know you’re not interested in meaningless sex.”
Somewhere between the other night and now, I’ve decided that if Jett is going to teach me about dating, I want him to teach me about all of it. He’s the safe choice for this kind of endeavour. Wren said so herself. No feelings. No strings.
But my palms sweat, because that means asking Jett Landry if he would take my virginity.
“You were going to ask me for meaningless sex?” Jett’s expression is shocked, but all I can think about is the slight part in his plush lips. The way I could lean over and kiss him right now. “That doesn’t sound like the Poppy I know. The Poppy I know blushed at the mention of masturbation.”
“Yeah, well, I tried it.” I avert my gaze away from him. “Touching myself, I mean.”
“Poppy…” Jett says my name as a warning, as if the sheer mention of me touching myself is dangerous. He purses his lips and exhales a long, slow breath.
“I liked it,” I admit, knowing full well my cheeks must be beet red. “I want more of it, okay?”
“Okay…” Now he takes a sharp inhale, readying himself for what I’m about to say. I’m sure he’s connected the dots.
“And I need help.” I rush out. “I felt… clumsy and awkward. But it was good… so good, and I want to know how to make it better. I want to experience it with someone else.”
I keep my eyes glued to my hands, fiddling with the hem of my sweater. But the silence after what I’ve just said is killing me, so I glance up at Jett. He moves his head from side to side, thinking.
“The first time, Poppy, that’s a big deal,” is all he says.
But it’s not no.
“I think I’ve made it out in my head to be a bigger deal than it needs to be,” I admit.
I’ve been waiting for the moment to be just right, to have the kind of relationship I know I deserve. I waited so long that my hope of ever finding it had started to crack.
But what if it’s okay to just have it be with someone who knows me, who sees me, who has no ulterior motive or expectations?
“You don’t think it could complicate the agreement?” Jett asks.
“I just want practice, nothing more. I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on this thing that everyone around me keeps talking about.
I’m tired of feeling like it’ll never be my turn.
I’ve felt what it’s like to be brave now, to step out of my comfort zone, to experience life. And now I want all of it.”
“We’ve only ever kissed,” Jett says. “You can’t just go from zero to a hundred”
“What if all I’ve thought about since then has been those kisses?” I force myself to keep looking at him, even though the heat of his stare is igniting me from the inside out. “I kind of wondered if you’ve been thinking about it, too.”
“What makes you say that?” He asks, a smirk toying with his lips. His eyes glimmer, and the intensity of his gaze makes it hard to breathe.
“Because every time you look at me, I see your eyes linger on my mouth. I see how your breathing gets deeper. How your eyelids get heavier. You do that mirroring thing.”
I gesture to the way Jett has assumed the same position as me on the couch, knees up, his forearms wrapped around them. Suddenly, he shifts, moving closer to me, hands reaching for my thighs so he can drag me closer. I’m almost straddling him now, our faces only inches apart.
“You got me,” Jett murmurs into the space between us.