Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
Slowly, I returned to the group with the jug and snacks. My friends were in the familiar posture: leaning in, elbows on the table, laughing. The setting sun streamed in through the window, reflecting off Rowan’s glossy hair, making the diamond on Abbie’s finger sparkle with rainbows, turning Kate’s eyes an impossibly bright blue.
‘Guys,’ I said, ‘I think you need to see this.’
I held out my phone so they could all see what I’d seen: a new WhatsApp message, a strip of paler grey against the black screen, a white ‘play’ arrow at one end, a green dot alongside it, and the thumbnail image of Zara’s face at the other end.
‘She sent you a voice note?’ Kate asked incredulously.
‘Looks like it.’
‘I mean, what are we meant to do, play it right here in the pub?’ Rowan said disbelievingly.
‘We’re not doing that,’ said Abbie. ‘Hard no. Only twats put their phones on speaker in public.’
We all laughed, the tension easing a bit again, and I sat down. I didn’t really have much choice – my legs felt wobbly with adrenaline, like they didn’t want to support my body.
‘Maybe,’ Kate suggested slowly, reaching into her handbag, ‘she’s sent it to all of us.’
As if they’d been choreographed, three phones appeared in my friends’ hands. Three thumbs swiped the screens to life. Three faces waited an impatient second for the camera to recognise them.
‘I’ve got it,’ Rowan said.
‘Me too,’ said Abbie.
‘Yup,’ said Kate.
‘We don’t have to put it on speaker, then,’ I said. ‘We can all listen to it together.’
‘Or we could just delete it.’ Rowan picked a slice of cucumber out of her drink and ate it. ‘And block her number.’
‘We could all burn our phones,’ suggested Abbie.
‘And then move to Uruguay and start a new life,’ Kate joked, but she wasn’t smiling.
‘I think we have to listen to it,’ I argued. ‘Remember Andy’s voice notes, Kate?’
She nodded sadly. ‘I’ve still got one saved on my phone. I listen to it sometimes, when I’m really missing him.’
‘He always said they were for people who think the sender’s time is more important than the recipient’s,’ remembered Abbie. ‘The rudest form of communication ever.’
‘But he sent them anyway,’ went on Rowan, ‘long streams of consciousness going on for five or ten minutes.’
‘Longer, if he got distracted and forgot he had the Record button pressed,’ I said.
‘This is only a couple of minutes.’ Kate filled up our glasses. ‘I reckon we should go for it. What’s she going to say that she hasn’t already?’
‘She can’t hurt us any more,’ said Rowan. ‘Surely not? After today, I reckon we’re officially Zara-proof.’
‘Okay,’ Abbie agreed. ‘Someone’s going to have to hold my hand, though.’
‘We’ll all hold each other’s hands.’ I placed mine in the centre of the table. ‘Come on. Hand sandwich.’
After a moment, I felt the warmth of Rowan’s palm on my fingers, then additional pressure as Abbie’s hand joined it, then Kate’s.
‘Ready when you are,’ I said.
‘Let’s do this.’ Kate lifted her phone to her ear. ‘One, two, three…’
I pressed Play. There was a moment of crackly silence, and then I heard Zara’s voice, as clear and present as if she was right there at the table with us, the fifth member of the Girlfriends’ Club.
Hello. It’s me. But you know that. It’s the second Wednesday in June, and I bet you’re at the Prince Rupert, aren’t you? For old times’ sake. I thought about joining you in person, and I almost turned up. but then I decided this way was better. I wanted you all to hear me out, just this one last time. And besides, that place is an absolute shithole.
Anyway, here I am. Or here I’m not. You know what I mean.
I wanted to say goodbye.
Don’t panic, I’m not going to top myself. I’d never have the guts to do that and besides, it’s really difficult isn’t it? So don’t worry, whenever you listen to this, I won’t be dead.
Just in Wigan, which is pretty much the same.
It’s where I’m from, and my parents still live there. I know what you’re thinking – not the grim care home with predatory staff and not the luxury mansion in – where was it, Dubai? Just a normal terraced house in a not very nice part of a pretty grotty town. I was desperate to escape it, and now if I’m honest I’m desperate to go back.
It’s all gone pretty much tits up. I couldn’t carry on living the way I was, running away and pretending and telling people things to make them think I was more special than I am. I’m tired. I’m over it.
I’m seeing a shrink, who thinks I’ve got narcissistic personality disorder or an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style or something. He’s going to have a good old rummage into my brain and see if he can figure it out. Maybe he will and maybe he won’t, but God loves a trier, right?
So you don’t have to worry about me turning up at your monthly drinks.
The other thing I wanted to say was sorry.
I don’t know why I did the things I did. Hopefully my shrink will figure it out some day, and if he does, maybe I’ll get the chance to explain. I wanted to be your friend, but then when I was I couldn’t stop myself messing it up. I wanted to be liked, but I did so much to make you all hate me. I won’t blame you if you do.
But maybe, one day, if I’m ever fixed, you’ll give me the chance to apologise in person. I’d like that.
You’re the most amazing women ever and I was proud to be your friend, even if I had a funny way of showing it.
Uh… bye then. Take care.
There were a couple more seconds of dead air and then nothing – just the faint rustle of friction where my phone was pressed against my ear.
I lifted it away and put it down on the table. Kate’s followed it and then Rowan’s and then Abbie’s, and then, slowly, we unstacked our hands.
Without the warmth of Rowan’s resting on it, mine felt cold.
‘So that’s that, then,’ Kate said.
‘It kind of makes sense,’ Abbie mused. ‘I mean, no one would behave like that without some sort of… thing. Disorder.’
‘I’m glad she’s getting help.’ Rowan’s voice was throaty, as if she might be about to cry.
‘I’m glad she’s okay,’ I said. ‘Safe, I mean. I was really worried when she said?—’
‘Goodbye,’ finished Kate. ‘After Andy, I couldn’t have borne that.’
We looked at each other, our faces grave, and together we all nodded. After the loss of Andy, another loss would have been too much to endure.
But then, what choice would we have had? No more than we’d be able to choose to bring Andy back.
‘We couldn’t help Andy,’ I said. ‘We tried so hard. But Zara…’
‘If she ever contacts us again…’ Abbie began.
‘We’ll be here, won’t we?’ Kate finished for her.
‘I mean, we won’t get sucked into her drama ever again.’ Rowan spoke quickly. ‘That won’t happen again. No way. But if she needs us…’
‘If she needed us, we wouldn’t abandon her,’ I said.
Briefly, we piled our hands in the centre of the table again, this time in a different order: Kate’s first, then Abbie’s, then Rowan’s, then mine. And then we moved them away again, like their work was done for now.
‘Wigan, though,’ Kate said. ‘Who’d have ever thought it?’
And we all burst out laughing, just as the last of the sunlight disappeared and the lights of the pub came on.