Chapter 10
MAE
I end up going to bed earlier than everyone, citing a headache. Really, I need to stop thinking about Elle and all the ways we’ve failed her.
Cally is fast asleep when I check on her, chest rising and falling in an easy rhythm. She lays sprawled across Asmo’s bed, the sheets shoved to the side. She wears some combination of Asmo’s and Luca’s clothes, the blood-crusted ballgown discarded in the corner of the room.
I watch her for several moments before turning back to my own bedroom. It only takes a few minutes to realize sleep won’t be coming for me tonight. I lay there for as long as I can stand, then shrug my coat on.
Ivan is asleep on the sofa when I pad down the hall, his snores emanating throughout the cozy living room. The bitter night air greets me like an old friend as I step outside.
I nearly jump from my skin when I see Asmo sitting in Ivan’s usual chair.
“Miss me?” he repeats the question from earlier, but without his usual cockiness. It just comes off as sad this time.
“What are you doing out here?” I rub my arms as I try to stave off the permeating cold.
“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d give staring at the forest a try. Seems to work for you,” he says with a shrug.
I grab a green and black flannel throw blanket from the pile stacked against the wall.
“Yes, well, part of why I love coming out here is the silence,” I say, glaring at him as I wrap the blanket around me and settle into the chair beside him.
Asmo follows my every movement, like a predator tracking its prey. “I’ll shut up then. Whatever the princess wants.”
A warmth takes hold in my chest. I missed hearing the nickname. “Thank you,” I say, tucking my knees to my chest.
The silence only lasts for a few moments before he breaks it again. “I can see why you like it out here so much. The forest is calming. The sound of the wind. The birds, the owls. It’s peaceful.”
I nod, trying to discourage conversation. I’m so tired.
“Mae,” he whispers. The warmth in my chest vanishes as I take in his slumped posture, his usual cocky smile gone. He looks sad. Small. A version of himself I’m not familiar with. One that I’m certain no one is familiar with.
I’ve seen Asmo furious, annoyed, lustful, surprised—but never defeated. He’s always seemed so strong, so unbreakable to me. But now he’s staring at me like he’s a broken version of himself, and like I have the power to put him back together again.
“What are we doing?” he whispers.
A gentle breeze floats past, his question hanging in the air.
“I don’t know,” I whisper back. “I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know how to fix this, save Cally, save Elle, save the kingdom. I don’t know.”
I don’t know how to save us.
I don’t know how to save myself.
“We have to figure something out. We can’t just sit here.”
Anger sparks inside of me at his response. I welcome it, grabbing hold of it in an instant. Anger is a fire I can breathe life into. I glare at him. And damn it, if I don’t see a corner of his mouth twitch.
“You think I don’t know that? All I do is think about what to do and how hopeless it all feels.
Six months ago, my biggest problem was making sure bookshelves were stocked and figuring out what I was going to make for dinner.
I don’t know how or why I’m responsible for saving a kingdom.
I don’t know why anybody put me in charge of this.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, and now Elle is a prisoner and people are dead and I don’t know what to do,” I snap.
He nods slowly, like he’s scared to push me. And just like that, the fire has been extinguished. That’s not the part he’s supposed to play. He’s supposed to snap back at me, not be broken beside me.
“I’m just one person.” My voice comes out soft.
“No,” he says forcefully. “Don’t do that. You’re not just one person. You’re one of the most powerful hybrids in the kingdom. You’re the High Queen. You took an oath, a vow to protect this kingdom. And just because it got a little hard, that doesn’t mean you just get to quit.”
I put my head in my hands. “I’m not quitting, I’m just…I don’t know what to do,” I groan.
He closes the distance between us and grips the wooden armrests. “So, think. All you do is sit here and stare at nothing. Think.”
I throw my hands in the air. “Oh, if only it were that easy to figure out a way to stop Marik, and oh—don’t forget—the most powerful witch in our history!”
He leans back into his chair and rolls his eyes. “Who gives a shit about easy? Do you think I’d be here, with you, if I was looking for the easy way? It would have been easy for me to just join my family in overthrowing the kingdom. But I didn’t. I chose what’s right. I chose you.”
His response hits me like a ton of bricks.
He chose me. While I chose his brother. And made the biggest mistake of my life.
We’ve been dancing around this conversation since the wedding, neither of us brave enough to cross the line.
Neither of us brave enough to admit what we’re thinking to one another.
I’ve been treading this line for weeks, scared of who he really is and how he might hold the power to hurt me again.
And right now, I find I just don’t give a fuck. The weight on my shoulders grows stronger every day. If I don’t do something about it, it will bury me. “I’m sorry I didn’t choose you.”
His eyes soften briefly before hardening again. “That’s not what I meant, Mae.” He runs his hands through his wavy hair, mussing it up even more. “Besides, you did. I said no.”
“I could have fought harder for you,” I counter. He doesn’t respond. The air between us is thick with regret for the things we did and didn’t do. “I’m sorry you had to choose between me and your family,” I whisper.
He shrugs. “I’ve always hated them.”
“Really? Even Marik?”
He shifts in his chair. “My parents? Yes, absolutely.” He pauses. When he looks at me, his eyes are full of pity again. I look at the floor. “I’m sorry he did that to you, Mae. For what it’s worth, I didn’t see it coming,” he whispers.
Me either. “Do you hate Marik?” I close my eyes, bracing myself for the blow of Asmo revealing himself to me.
Even the forest has gone silent. He takes three breaths, every exhale long. “I don’t know,” he admits. “A part of me—a huge part of me—does. For what he did to you. To Etta, and to William. But he is my brother, and the way we were raised was…I blame my parents.”
I chance a glance at him, but he’s lost in whatever memories he’s recalling.
He grips the armrests, pale knuckles bathed in moonlight.
“Marik has always been ambitious. I just never thought…He was always the better one of us. He was always sweeter, more patient, kinder. Maybe that’s why he did it.
He always wanted to make my parents happy.
I never cared about that. But Marik? He always blamed himself for the way they treated us.
Maybe this was his way of making them proud. ”
“A pretty fucked up way,” I mutter.
His answering nod is heavy. “I don’t know what to do either,” he admits.
I turn to him and raise my eyebrows in mock surprise. “Wow, I didn’t know you were capable of admitting defeat so easily.”
He rolls his eyes. “I’m not admitting defeat. Not even close. I just don’t know how we can fix this. We need help.”
My eyes widen.
We need help.
“There’s no way the other High Houses are happy with what’s happening right now. We need to speak with them.”
He hesitates. “I don’t think they know the truth. My guess is they believe you’re on the throne and that you’re responsible for the current state of the kingdom.”
I shake my head, refusing to accept that. “No. They were there that day. They helped us fight. I don’t understand how that hasn’t gotten out to the public.”
His mouth twists into a grimace. “If I were in Marik’s shoes, I would do everything in my power to convince the Houses that Elle—or whoever it is—really is you, and that you’re in agreement with everything.”
“They’d never believe that, though. I know Barrett, August, and Koa.”
He frowns. “You have to remember who we are, princess. Who we were raised to be. We are ruthless, but we will yield to remain in power. The High Houses have been in power for a thousand years. We have always listened to the High Family, whether we agree or disagree. The High Crown is too powerful to ignore. And if I know my brother, he’s likely using other means and manipulation tactics to convince the High Families to fall in line. ”
I stare into the dark forest. A hawk silently cuts through the night air.
How are we supposed to fight this?
I look at Asmo. He stares at me with those damned soft eyes again, as if he’s waiting for me to break down. He leans forward, reaching for me with one hand. “Come here,” he says softly.
“No.” I turn away from him, back to the forest, eager for anything to distract me from the pity in his eyes.
“Damnit, Mae. Let me be there for you,” he growls.
I hesitate, considering giving in. But I shake my head. “No. This is my responsibility to bear, not yours. I’m fine. I’ll figure this out. I’m not the fragile princess you met six months ago.”
Despite my words, tears prick at the corners of my eyes again.
He stands abruptly and crosses the space between us, scooping me into his arms before he sits back in his chair. I squirm, trying to push him away, but he holds me too tightly. I stop fighting almost instantly, the feeling of being in his arms too strong to give up.
“I know you’re not. You never were.” His chest rumbles against my cheek. “We’ll figure it out.”
I close my eyes, and let myself believe him. We’ll figure it out. We.
“How did you find us?” I ask. It’s something I was thinking about while lying in bed. Somehow, nobody thought to ask him that question when he returned. I guess the bigger question was Did he betray us?
“Hm?” he mumbles, his breath tickling the top of my head.
I check my nets again and ask, “We moved safe houses. How did you find us?”
It’s possible I’m imagining the way his pulse ticks up. “I’d find you anywhere, princess. You know that.” I twist and try to get some more distance from him, but he holds me close. “Stop. Please. Just trust me.”
I swallow a frustrated sigh. He’s right.
His words are his truth, whatever they mean.
After all, he was the one who knew I was in trouble on the shower floor.
He was the one who knew something was wrong.
He was the one who found me when the cambion was dragging me into the woods.
When the osseris—Marik—had me in its grip.
“Would you go back? To your House, if you could?” I ask, changing the subject. I peer up at him, at the moon glistening in the black pools of his eyes, at the long lashes that flutter as he avoids my gaze.
His jaw flexes once, twice. “Yes.”
His answer isn’t surprising. He denied me because he wanted to remain in his court.
I don’t ask any more questions. There will be time for that later, time to figure out all that comes next. For now, I let him hold me until my eyes drift closed, listening to the quiet sounds of the forest and the beat of his heart against my cheek.