Chapter 38 Alison #2
They take Solly and Lila into the woods and Alison’s glad she brought a jacket as it’s chilly in the shade of all the towering trees.
‘I still can’t believe all this is yours,’ says Alison, keeping her eyes on Lila who has thrown a ball for Solly to catch.
‘It’s lovely to think of Mum here. She must have felt safe. ’
Imogen nods but doesn’t say anything. Alison wonders if this is the right time to bring up their father. She has to clear the air between them.
Instead Imogen says, ‘I’m sorry I sent you that text message. But I was so angry when I found out.’
‘I’ve tried to call you a few times to explain.’
Imogen purses her lips together.
‘I should never have told Dorothea to stay away. I regret it now. But I wasn’t thinking of you. I was worried she’d try and take you away …’
Imogen’s head shoots up. ‘What? But I was a burden to you. It would have been easier for you if I’d stayed with Dorothea.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ scoffs Alison. ‘I … I needed you too.’ Tears spring to her eyes and she blinks them away.
‘Oh. I never thought …’
‘It’s okay. It was selfish of me. There was enough room for both of us in your life. I really am sorry, Immy.’
Imogen stops walking, her face pained. ‘I understand.’ She gives Alison a half-smile. The subject of their father hovers between them but Alison doesn’t want to bring him up and spoil this moment. They begin walking again.
Imogen suddenly blurts out, ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘Does Gareth ever get jealous?’ and then she cries out, ‘Lila! Don’t go too far ahead.’
‘She’s fine. In what way?’
‘Like with other men. People you work with?’
‘I mostly work with women.’
‘No male hairdressers?’
‘Well, yes, there are. I work with two and one is gay.’
‘And the other?’
‘He’s young enough to be my son!’ She laughs. ‘Well, not quite. But no, Gareth doesn’t get jealous. I mean, I’m sure he would if I was hanging out with Ryan Gosling on a regular basis. Why do you ask? Is Josh the jealous type?’
Imogen nods and looks troubled. ‘He’s always been a bit possessive, but he … I dunno … he just seems to be getting worse lately.’
Alison glances at her sister. She’s never once said anything negative about Josh in the whole twelve years they’ve been together. ‘Is he controlling?’
‘How can you tell the difference between controlling and just caring too much?’
Alison stops walking. ‘Really? You need to ask that?’
Imogen toes the ground, her cheeks reddening.
‘After what happened with Filcher, Josh insisted he come and pick me up every night, even when I wasn’t working late.
And once, when he saw me leaving the building with a male colleague, he started questioning who I was working with.
Then he started to insist on meeting me for lunch and then wanted to track me on my phone – I mean, he’s on the Find My app too, so it’s not just one-sided.
And since we moved in here he’s been acting even more possessive. He doesn’t like me talking to Harry …’
‘Harry?’
They begin walking again, slowly. Up ahead Lila is skipping and twirling, Solly by her side.
‘Yes. Remember me telling you about him? He was the one who I had that summer romance with when I was staying here with Mum. His parents still live next door and he’s staying with them at the moment after his relationship broke down.
Anyway, Josh didn’t like it when I was late home one night because I got talking to Harry. He didn’t speak to me for ages.’
A growing sense of unease creeps over Alison. She’d had a bad feeling about Josh, but she’d give anything to be wrong. ‘Why didn’t you ever say anything before?’
Imogen touches one of her hoop earrings. ‘I don’t know. We moved here, and we were so excited, but it seems to be getting worse and then the other night he … he …’
‘He what? Did he hit you? If he hit you I’ll fucking kill him.
’ Alison feels a rage so intense she’s tempted to stomp off and throttle Josh right this moment.
She can’t believe this is happening again after what they went through with their parents.
She wants to scream at Imogen. How could you have let things get this far?
‘No, no, he didn’t hit me,’ she says hurriedly. ‘Of course not. But he slammed his hand onto the table in anger, just for a brief moment, which scared me.’
‘What the fuck. Immy … that’s not okay.’
‘I know. But he was so full of remorse and things are better between us now.’
Alison knows her sister wouldn’t have told her all this if she really believed things were better. Imogen is too proud. She’s telling her this now because she’s scared.
‘Do you love him?’
‘I love part of him. He can be so kind and thoughtful. I love how he takes care of his mum. And I do think he loves me in his own way. He’s scared of losing me, that’s all.’
‘I’m sorry, but if he really loved you he wouldn’t treat you this way.’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘It is from where I’m standing.’
‘We hurt the people we love all the time.’
Alison takes a deep breath, trying not to be reactive when Imogen is clearly asking for advice.
What she really wants to say to her sister is that she should dump his sorry arse right now, but she knows that’s not going to help and it might just make Imogen retreat further into herself.
‘The thing you need to ask yourself, seriously, is if he makes you a better person. If being with him brings out the best in you. Gareth makes me a better person. He is the calm to my storm. He is my moral compass. He makes me nicer, less prickly. He softens my edges.’
Imogen nods thoughtfully and then her face falls.
‘I don’t think he does. I’m not my honest, authentic self when I’m with him.
I find myself lying so he doesn’t get angry and then I hate myself for it.
And I don’t bring out the best in him either, do I?
I make him insecure, jealous, controlling. I make him spy on me.’
‘You don’t make him do these things. That’s on him.’
Imogen sighs. ‘You know what I mean.’
It’s on the tip of Alison’s tongue to tell her sister she is in a toxic relationship and that Josh is being emotionally abusive, but she knows she has to tread carefully.
The fact Imogen opened up about it is a massive leap in their relationship and the most honest they have been with each other for a long time.
She swallows down her anger. ‘Do you want to end things with him?’
‘I don’t know. I can’t imagine him not being in my life but I also can’t carry on living like this. There are so many things I’d like to do with my life. I’d like to travel, maybe work abroad. But Josh is so stagnant.’
‘Steady Eddie.’ Although in light of what Imogen has just said, not that steady at all.
‘Right. And it’s not as if we even talk about marriage or babies – I don’t even know if I want those things.
Or just don’t want those things with Josh.
But we don’t really talk about the future at all.
It’s like we are in limbo. This house has been a great distraction but …
’ She stops talking and Alison wonders why and then she realizes it’s because a dog is barking.
‘Is that Solly?’ She slows down and grabs Alison’s arm in panic. ‘Wait, where’s Lila?’
Alison scans the vicinity. She’s always prided herself on not being a neurotic parent, but Lila is only six. Still, the woods are enclosed and they aren’t very big. Plus she’s with Solly. ‘She can’t get lost in here …’
But Imogen has charged ahead, her expression tense with anxiety. ‘Come on,’ she cries. ‘You don’t understand what’s been happening around here. We need to find her, now!’