CHAPTER 47
I think I might be sick. Josh has been spying on me.
He’s been spying on me. I can’t breathe for a few seconds and then my eyes go to the monitor.
I press enter on the keyboard and the monitor wakes up.
He hasn’t even bothered to close it down properly and on it I can see that he’s somehow linked my phone to his.
With dawning horror, I can see that all my text messages, emails and search history are mirrored onto this monitor.
A fresh wave of nausea washes over me. How long has he been spying on me?
He’d accused me of texting Harry. I didn’t twig at the time, but he knew because he could read the messages for himself.
I hear the turn of a key in the lock.
Fuck. He must have been alerted to the fact I’m here.
I get up, wondering if I can pretend I haven’t seen all this but knowing it’s impossible.
I can’t run away from this any longer. I can’t bury my head in the sand or ignore any more red flags.
For once in my life I’m going to have to face up to what’s going on.
I’m going to have to be more like Dorothea.
And right at this moment I’m so angry and repulsed I could actually kill Josh.
Josh rushes into the room and his face pales as he sees me standing there. ‘I can explain,’ is the first thing he says.
I swallow down the bile in my throat.
‘I just wanted to make sure you were safe, that’s all. I promise.’
‘What? By snooping through my text messages and emails? What the hell, Josh!’
‘I had to. With Harry prowling around. It’s obvious he still fancies you, it’s obvious he …’
‘For fuck’s sake!’ I cry. ‘Stop it. This is ridiculous.’
He stops, his eyes widening. And then his expression changes from panicked to sanctimonious.
He takes a deep breath. ‘You don’t need to shout, Imogen.
At least give me the courtesy of hearing me out.
You’re being over emotional, as usual. Jumping to conclusions.
Why am I always the bad guy? You’re the one who’s being dishonest. You’re the one who pretends you’re going to London to do some shopping when you’re really going to see that stupid agent of Dorothea’s.
You’re obsessed with her. Wearing her clothes and those hiking boots.
And I know you’ve been researching her and lying to me about it and trying to find out who killed her.
It’s really quite sad. You’re not a journalist any more, don’t you get it?
You were given the boot. So why are you running around playing at being Miss Marple like some silly little girl? ’
I blink at him. Was he always this passive-aggressive and cruel?
Did I think, just because he didn’t shout and wasn’t violent like my dad, that he was somehow better?
That his words were somehow justified? Had I really sleep-walked through this whole relationship? Anger bubbles and I clench my fists.
‘Come on,’ I say to Solly who is standing by my side. ‘Let’s go.’
Josh folds his arms across his chest. ‘You’re just going to walk away?’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘Oh, there’s plenty.’ His face darkens. ‘You really need to take a good, hard look at yourself. Stop playing the victim. I know you’ve told Alison all about me.
I could see it in the way she looked at me when you came back in from the woods.
Thanks for your loyalty. You only told her one side of the story, typically. ’
‘Well, you ought to know,’ I say. ‘You’ve got it all on camera!’
He glares at me, his face reddening. ‘I did all this for you and for your protection. You need protecting from yourself, don’t you see? You can’t look after yourself, Ims. You need me.’
‘I don’t need anyone,’ I reply. ‘And I don’t need you. It’s over, Josh.’
He stares at me in surprise. ‘What? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it’s not over. You’re going to end a twelve-year relationship over this?’
I sigh. ‘It’s not just this. It’s you … and me. We’re not right together. We bring out the worst in each other. Don’t you see that?’
‘No. I’ve been nothing but great to you. You’ve used me. Now you have this inheritance you don’t need me any more. Is that it?’
‘Josh …’
He continues to glare at me, his eyes flashing. ‘That’s what all this is about. Now you can live your life in that old hag’s house with all her money. God, you’re a bitch.’
‘I’ll give you money if that’s what you want, Josh …’
‘Oh, that’s right. Now you get to be magnanimous.
Saint Imogen. Always the victim. Poor little Immy.
No mummy and a daddy in jail. And now a big, bad boyfriend who spies on her.
That’s what you’ll tell people, no doubt.
You won’t say I was doing it for your own good.
This is all just an excuse so you can run off with that Harry, you slut. ’
I need to get out of here. Despite my bravado I don’t want to argue with him, and he’s getting nastier and nastier. I clip on Solly’s lead. ‘I think it’s best I leave.’ I concentrate on sounding calm but underneath my heart is hammering so hard I worry he’ll hear it.
He’s standing in front of the living room door. ‘I don’t think so. Not until we get all this sorted.’
‘Josh, please let me pass.’
‘Josh, please let me pass,’ he says in an imitation of my voice. ‘No, I’m not going to let you fucking pass. Not until we’ve sorted this out.’
‘Fine. It’s sorted. I’ll see you back at the villa.’
He laughs angrily. ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ I can feel tears pressing behind my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of him. I need to stand up to him for once.
‘God, you’re cold,’ he says.
We stare at each other and then I hear a low growl from Solly. I reach down and touch him gently on the head. ‘It’s okay, boy. Josh is going to let us pass, aren’t you, Josh?’
Despite the situation I want to laugh when I see the fear on Josh’s face. He steps aside to let me pass. ‘Ims …’ His chin wobbles. ‘Don’t do this. You make me this way.’
I feel braver with my hand on the doorknob.
‘No, Josh. You made yourself this way. I would never cheat on you. And I only ever lied to you because of your reactions to things. The mood swings, the punishing me for days if I didn’t do exactly what you wanted …
’ I swallow back my tears. ‘And I’ve had enough.
I’ve had enough of feeling afraid all the time. ’
He looks genuinely surprised. ‘I wasn’t trying to make you afraid. I was trying to protect you.’
‘No. You don’t trust me and you’re trying to control me.
We’re in this weird, toxic cycle and we need to break it.
You were spying on me, Josh! Don’t you get how fucked up this all is?
’ I indicate his laptop and monitor. We’d latched on to each other in our late teens because we’d each desperately needed someone, but it was a relationship that was never meant to last. He must know it too, deep down.
His face crumples. ‘I’m so sorry, please don’t end things, Ims. I need you.’
‘Oh, Josh. You don’t need me …’
He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I’m sorry …’ He slumps onto the sofa, his head in his hands. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking.’
‘I’m sorry too,’ I say quietly. We need to break free from each other. Two damaged people in a damaged relationship.
He lifts his head up, his eyes red-rimmed. ‘I’ll stay here tonight. Will you be okay in the villa by yourself?’
I hesitate, imagining the villa without Josh.
Can I really do this? Can I really end things?
And then I think of Dorothea, and how strong she was.
She lived there alone for years. I can’t stay with Josh just because I’m scared of being on my own.
‘I’ll be fine,’ I say. And then I leave with Solly, closing the door behind me.