36. Chapter 36
thirty-six
Noel
M y mother left on a bus early this morning. One night of Mom duty, and she was off on the next adventure. She said something about a friend she knew in Vermont and a longing for some mountains after all of that flat desert.
But it doesn’t matter where or why she’s going because she’s going to be fine.
I saw it in the way she was so unfazed by the breakdown that seemed so dangerous to me.
I saw it in the way she referred to my deep-seated fear of love as me being “full of nerves.” Maybe you can’t truly have one without the other—true happiness without the risk of being gutted by it, and maybe what I’ve called recklessness all these years was her understanding that better than I did.
Either way, she’s not my circus anymore. Maybe she was never even my monkey. She could have been a better mom. That’s not negotiable. But we’re both adults now, and it’s time I start taking my responsibility for our dynamic. Taking back my space.
Last night when I finally fell into bed, exhausted and shocked that I’d just received some helpful advice from her of all people, I’d ached to call Jamie, hear his voice. Tell him all of the things I’d figured out about this magic.
But he was celebrating his launch event, an achievement that I’m not sure I have a right to be a part of until I fix this.
Was I destined to screw it up and not be there with him or is this one of those opportunities I missed out on because I didn’t take what was right in front of me?
I don’t think it matters. The result was the same. Me missing him.
The buzzing of my phone makes me jump and my pinky smudges the petals of the orchid I’m painting. I quickly dab it with a wet cloth, swiping open my screen with my free hand. I know I just promised to be the one to reach out and grab fate, but I can’t help but hope it’s Jamie doing it first.
It’s not, and the last thing I expect to see on a Sunday afternoon is Em’s name on my caller ID.
I pick up the remote and silence the music I’d been using for company, half hoping it will stop ringing before I make a decision on whether or not to answer.
I can’t fathom why she would want to talk to me right now.
Sure, we were friends for a little while, but I didn’t expect to get to keep her if Jamie and I aren’t right, and I’m still working out how to fix us.
“Hi, Em,” I answer with my heart in my throat.
“Christmas,” she says. It’s cheery, if not a little strained by circumstance. “Are you free tonight? There’s a band I want to see downtown and Cara’s busy.”
“Oh. You didn’t want to ask Jamie?”
“One of us should be at Fortune,” she says. This feels like a non-answer, but I suppose she doesn’t owe me an explanation for where Jamie will be tonight.
There’s a part of me that’s hesitant to see Em before I see him, like I’m betraying him by spending time with his friends when I don’t know if he’ll accept my apology, but then I have to laugh at yet another opportunity landing in my lap.
Almost like fate is looking at my little declaration and saying: prove it .
I want Em too. And Cara. And the house. I want this whole place and everything in it. Everything I thought was my destiny and I now know is my opportunity.
And this can be my practice yes before the big one.
“I want this,” I say, and then I realize that we’re talking about a few drinks and I’m being really weird about it. “I mean, I’m free. I’d love to.”
Em chuckles. “Nice. Meet me at Asylum at eight.”
“Okay. Hey, Em?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
There’s a beat of silence where neither of us know how to respond to what I’ve said. Finally, she says in a soft voice I haven’t heard from her before, “Everything’s gonna be okay, Christmas.”
She hangs up, and in what seems to be my new default, I burst into tears.
I walk into Asylum a few minutes before eight.
The space is dark as soon as you get past the front door, blue lights lining the walkway to the stage area where the band Em wanted to see is setting up.
There are a lot of people here and I didn’t make an exact plan about where to meet her, so I decide to hang at the bar in hopes she’ll head here first.
“What can I get you?” a guy in a T-shirt and black velvet vest behind the bar asks me.
I see one of Jamie’s beers on tap and a whomp, whomp, whomp noise sounds in my head. I’m such a sad sack.
“Fortune draft, please.” I hand him my card, and he takes it with a nod.
A minute later there’s a pint glass perched on the edge in front of me.
I take a deep pull of it to settle my nerves.
I came here knowing I want this—to keep my friendship with Em—but I know it’s contingent on making things right with Jamie.
This is a visitor’s pass. I’m definitely not a member here until I’ve earned it.
My eyes are on my phone when I feel the humidity build, a small crowd of people filling in the space to my left. I slide down to get out of the way and accidentally bump into a solid torso on the other side of me.
“Sorry,” I say, tearing my eyes away from my texts.
“I didn’t— Jamie?” I blink up at him, and my heart launches into my throat.
The light from the bar glows behind him like a halo, and I have the thought that maybe I manifested him by my constant looping Jamie Thoughts.
Things like that don’t sound so crazy anymore.
But then he smiles, and I know he’s really standing here by the way his dimple strikes me square in the chest. “What’re you—”
“Shh.” He presses a finger to my lips, and I freeze. “Hi.”
I swallow. “Hi.”
He sticks his hand out and I stare at it, then him, then back to his hand.
He waits patiently until I reach out and shake it. What is he doing ?
“I saw you from across the room and I think you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m Jamie.”
The band launches into a song and people swell around us, muscling for a better view. I blink at him, confused.
Jamie leans down, letting his lips brush my ear. I feel the contact like a beam of sunshine after a storm. “What’s your name?”
“Noel,” I say shakily, suddenly remembering what I told him. I wish we’d just met like normal people. Out at some bar somewhere … My heart batters my chest.
He grins. “What do you do, Noel?”
Tears gather in the corner of my eyes when I think about how I answered this months ago. Now, I say, “I’m an artist. I have my own business.”
“Me too. A brewery downtown.” He steps closer. “Have you been here before?”
I shake my head, the back of my nose burning. When I can’t make myself speak, he nods, giving me a shaky grin. “It’s a cool place. You’ll like it.”
“Yeah… Jamie—”
“Tell me something else.”
I tip my head, trying to make sense of this opportunity so I can grab onto it.
I don’t know what to say to fix all of the ways this went wrong.
I’m terrified the chance will slip through my fingers while I’m stuttering.
But when our eyes meet, I recognize the fear in his too.
And the way he’s doing it anyway, clinging to hope that I’m not going to break his heart.
I know that look, and I know exactly what he needs to hear.
“I’m afraid a lot of the time,” I say. “But I don’t want to be anymore.”
Emotion washes over his face but he keeps going with this game like he knows that me choosing him in this pretend do-over is as important to me as it is him.
Jamie needs someone to bet on him; I need to place that bet.
I’ve seen what the other option has to offer.
Numbness and a life that looks good on paper, safe, but void of any joy—and I don’t want it.
“Well,” he says. “I know we don’t know each other yet, Noel, but if you’re scared to take a leap, I’ll go first, and I’ll catch you at the bottom, baby. Always.” His voice wobbles. “I can be that for you.”
“No.” I shake my head. It’s my turn. “I want to be that for you .”
He blinks at me, clearly caught off guard by the way I’ve taken the reins of this apology.
“When I came back here, I was terrified there was something inherently wrong with me because I couldn’t feel anything.
I wasn’t happy when good things happened, I wasn’t sad when bad things happened, I was just…
numb, muted. And then you came along, and I was afraid because I felt too much.
You’re like a sponge that soaks up life, Jamie.
You’re fearless and a big dreamer, and you have so much to love.
Being with you is like spinning in a Tilt-a-Whirl.
I can turn the steering wheel or try to throw my weight into one side to slow the damn thing, but momentum always takes it.
And for the first time in my life, I let it because I thought I saw the happy ending I was destined to get at the end.
“But the thing is, I was still just along for the ride. I think that’s the point of all of this…
” I wave my hand around my head. “…magic. Fate isn’t going to hand me this life risk free, but the risk is worth it because the reward could be so good if I dare to choose it.
Just like the vision didn’t give you your career, Jamie.
You still had to choose to put your heart on the line and go for it.
And you can change your mind any time and give it away if that’s what you want.
And I can change my mind any time. I can choose to get off the ride because I’m scared, and if I do, this thing between us that brings me so much happiness will just not happen.
“And I think what Becca said freaked me out so much because I hadn’t realized that yet, the part that we’re both responsible for. You were right. I wouldn’t have chosen you if I didn’t have that vision.”
His face falls, but I curl my fists in his shirt and tug him closer.
“It’s not because of who you are, Jamie.
It was never because of that. If I’m being honest, I wanted you the minute I saw you.
It’s because of who I am. Or who I was. I was afraid to let my feet leave the ground, to get swept up by something and lose control.
I didn’t want to get hurt, so I surrounded myself with things that wouldn’t leave a mark when they disappeared.
I know now that I was numb because I wasn’t choosing anything worth caring about, and I care about you so much. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Noe,” he whispers. “So much.”
“I wouldn’t have chosen you without the vision, and it would have been the greatest mistake of my life.”
He takes my cheeks in his hands and I realize with the swipe of his thumbs that I’m crying. His eyes shine under the bar light.
“I want you. I choose you. And I promise, the next time I’m scared, I’ll run to you instead of away from you. I don’t think I could love you more, Jamie. But I can love you braver if you’ll let me.”
I wasn’t exaggerating when I said Jamie is like a sponge sucking up life, but when he squeezes his eyes shut and breathes through his nose, I think this is the moment where he overflows.
We’re attracting attention from the rest of the people now, making a scene. I’m my mother’s hot mess, and I don’t care. I can’t not touch him anymore. I launch myself into his chest and cry all over his shirt.
Jamie presses his mouth to the top of my head, breathing through my hair. “I want that too, Noel. All of it. And for what it’s worth, you scare the hell out of me too.”
Despite myself, I laugh.
“But I love you. We’ll figure it out together, right?”
“Yes.” I peel myself out from under his chin and push to my toes, kissing him with each, “Yes. Yes. Yes.” I knew he would, but when he parts his lips and kisses me back, I finally go warm with relief.
Jamie’s hands go to my waist, lifting me for a better fit, and it’s familiar and safe, and the nerves disappear.
He’s choosing me back and I already know I can trust him.
“I said no, by the way,” he says against my mouth, and I pull away just enough to see him. “To NEBev. To Wes. I’m not selling Fortune.”
My breath rushes out and I sink against him.
He laughs. “Relieved?”
I want to admit that I’ve been hoping and praying he would say this, but instead I play it cool. This has always been his decision even if he kept trying to give other people a say. Even me. Especially me. “Are you relieved?”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Then I am too.”
“Can I take you out on a date?” he asks, valiantly trying to keep up this game in between the kissing and touching. “I’m getting an award in a few days. There’s a dinner.”
I wipe my hand under my nose and sniff. “Sounds impressive.”
“I’m kind of a big deal around here,” he says. He gives me the Jamie Smile, complete with a wink. My legs turn to jelly. “Hope that doesn’t scare you off.”
I laugh, delighted. “I would love to go to dinner with you.”
He rolls his hips against my stomach mischievously, but it’s the look on his face that melts me—relief, love. “Fuck, I missed you, Noe.”
“You just met me.”
He laughs and squeezes me tighter. “I think I’ve been missing you my whole life.”