35. Nate
The murmurs and whispers started almost immediately after she left.
“Can you believe she just walked out?”
“Wait until Eleanor finds out.”
“How selfish is she?”
“So ungrateful.”
I didn’t pay attention to any of them. Couldn’t. All I could do was smile, rememberingthe look on her face when she finally chose to leave. Her eyes got wider, a certain flicker of realisation glinting across them, and her whole body shifted, straitened out, and stood taller.
Proud was an understatement. To say I was proud of her wouldn’t have covered thefeelings I had circling me right now.
After word got out, the crew started packing away what they’d spent the morning settingup, mixed emotions of grief and joy all playing on their faces. I spied Sebastian and Eleanor up ahead, both in conversation. I didn’t have to guess about what they were talking about; I’d seen Eleanor catch Addy just before she left, before the author turned around with the biggest smile plastered on her mouth.
I slowed my steps as I passed them, slow enough to catch Eleanor saying somethingabout a difference in artistic opinions between her and Addy. Sebastian, for the first time since starting the shoot, looked angry. Furious. He’d made it clear on several occasions that he loved Addy and her talent, so I’m going to bet that letting her go was only going to make him spiral.
“Are we gonna have to re-shoot everything? Re-cast Anastasia’s role?” Seb asked, notknowing what to do with his hands.
I shifted my eyes to the pair as I walked, watching Eleanor put a hand on Seb’s shoulder.“No, it’ll be okay. I’ll rework some stuff in the script and we’ll use what we’ve got to—”
Her voice quietened the further down the field I walked, the corner of the trailer I’d beenassigned to this morning poking out from behind the others. I caught Amber and Asher by their trailers as I passed them, giving them both a friendly nod, acknowledging what had happened, before jumping up the steps and pulling open my trailer door.
I didn’t know if Addy had told them anything, about why she quit, but I didn’t want to goasking, just in case she hadn’t. That was her story to tell, not mine. And to be honest, I wasn’t up for socialising right now, not when I wasn’t contracted to do so.
I was still reeling from what had happened, naturally, and despite my talk with Alice,things just weren’t clearing up.
That picture of us was still muddied and tampered with. I couldn’t make out what was usanymore. I couldn’t figure out who we were supposed to be. I’d convinced myself that wallowing in how much I’d fucked up wouldn’t make things right, that rotting in that hotel room would only distance us more, but after a call with Jacob and him kindly reminding me that when he nearly lost Flo, wallowing was what helped him finally realise what he needed to do to make things right, I stayed in bed.
But after this morning, having Addy near me again, having her confide in me like sheused to do… it made me question whether there was anything that could break us. Truly break us. Completely separate our paths and never have them cross again.
“No,” I whispered without realising, as I stood in the doorway of the trailer, my train ofthought barreling down the tracks that made me stop in mine, my eyes going hazy in the mirror that was hung up in front of me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was running back down the steps and out of thetrailer, my feet taking me somewhere and moving quicker than my thoughts. I found myself in the parking lot, my head spinning, my cheeks feeling hot, until my eyes landed on the car I’d driven to get here, my hands now fumbling in my pockets for the keys.
I felt like things were moving at two times the speed when I started the car, like the worldhad sped up its rotation, the hours turned into minutes, and the minutes became seconds.
And for once, the L.A. traffic was behaving; the roads were somewhat clear as I shotdown the Santa Monica freeway, the iconic blue arch leading to the pier coming into view shortly after. I wasn’t proud of the right bank I made onto the PCH highway, but I missed the red light that would have kept me there for God knows how long.
The cruise along the coast road was one of my favourite ways to see the shoreline, thesandy cliffs off to the right, the palm trees and the sparkling ocean that mesmerised you, like a sea of sapphires. It’s not long before I’m passing Topanga Beach, flying past the houses that look like baby versions of the ones Addy’s parents now live in.
“Imagine living here. With the beach right on your doorstep,”Addy used to say to me onthe bus ride down here. I’d tell her when her books made her millions that she could buy one, or if I won the lottery, I’d buy us both one.
Soon enough, the clearing of sand came into view, then the rusting sign. I indicated, turned the car into the parking lot that only fit three cars, and turned off the ignition. My eyes roamed over the sand, the breeze sneaking through the cracks in the car and filling it with the faint hews of the salt air.
I didn’t question why I’d driven here. I didn’t until now, as I searched the shoreline forthe worn-out panels, rotting rope, and timber poles that I hoped were still standing after all this time. The last time I was here was when I refused to walk down those steps to meet Addy, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if time had been cruel to the spot we’d claimed as ours.
But my eyes snagged on something in the distance, sticking out into the ocean, barely. Awalkway to the big blue. And as my eyes turned to slits, straining to get a better look at the pier, our pier… I saw her.
A silhouette of sunshine.
I’d realised that I’d spent so much time in the darkness, trekking its roads that didn’t trulyexist, that seeing her this morning was like someone had lit a match in its darkest corner—a glimpse of hope in a world that hadn’t known such a thing.
I scrambled out of the car as quickly as I could and made a beeline for the steps that leddown to the beach. The sand was quick to find its way into my sneakers, and socks, so as soon as I reached the bottom of the wooden steps, I freed myself from them, taking my jacket off and dumping it with them on the bottom step.
And then I found myself running to her. To the pier. The breeze seemed to shift and pushme closer towards the shoreline. The closer I got to the waves, the more I felt the salty spray of them coat my face, the wind whipping my hair and blowing the white tee around my body.
And strangely, I”d never felt freer than I had in this moment. Never before had running onsand seemed so easy. My legs didn’t burn as I ran, and my arms only moved faster as they closed the distance between me and the shore. Maybe it was because I knew who I’d reach at the end that made it all worth it. Knowing I’d just get to see her made the pain that was in my thighs worth it.
My legs slowed as I neared the pier, my muscles settling. It was like time hadn’t touchedthe thing. It didn’t look any different from the last day we both sat on the end, legs perched over the side and the waves brushing our toes. I took a few deep breaths as I stepped onto the first panel, not wanting to spook her.
Hair swept behind her, flying flames of auburn silk, legs dangling over the end, the waveswashing over her bare feet.She and the sunshine were just so perfect together. She and this pier were meant toco-exist. She and the waves were meant to connect.
My foot lifted, landing on the panels with a creak. I lifted my head in time to watch herstiffen, her whole aura changing in an instant. A few seconds passed and she settled again, spurring on my other steps, taking me closer towards her.
With each step I took, my heart slowed, easing from the run I’d done to get here. Mybreaths steadied too, and all the feelings that overtook me whenever I was around her came alive at once.
I was behind her now, inches away, not knowing what to say or how to interpret thewaves from being the only sound around us. I noticed her head twist, her chin angling over her shoulder. Neither of us moved for a while, like opponents, waiting for the other’s next move. It was her to strike first, as she shifted over to the left, opening up a space next to her for me to claim. And I did.
Our bare knees grazed as I perched myself on the edge of the pier, like she was, glowingas they lay under the sun, and my feet dangling alongside hers as the Pacific washed the sand off my feet.
I wondered if she had as many thoughts as I did running around my head. I wonderedwho’d speak first. I wondered if we’d speak at all. I wouldn’t mind either way. Being back here after so long was turning out to be harder than I thought. Memories I’d lost while making new ones resurfaced out of nowhere.
It felt odd being here without a book of hers in my hand, without her tanning beside me,telling me everything she’d done the day before—
“I quit the movie.”
My head angled towards her, taking in how the sunlight hit all the high points of her face,making her glow. A smile tugged at my lips. “I heard.”
Her eyes were focused on the horizon, the edge of the world, as she shook her headslightly. “It doesn’t feel as scary as I thought it would.”
I shrugged, keeping my eyes on her. “Probably because you’ve been preparing for thissince you were six.”
She seemed to let the words settle before she nodded, her eyes dipping from the sky andthe sea and falling to her hands that were nestled in her lap.
The quietness descended upon us, but I didn’t want to exist in something so loudanymore. I shook my head as it fell forward. “Addy I—”
“Why didn’t you just talk to me?” My eyes connected with hers, pain and fire waltzingwithin them. We held them for a few moments before she tore hers away, staring off into the ocean again. “We told each other everything. There wasn’t a part of my life you didn’t know about, and there wasn’t a part of yours you ever kept from me.” Her eyes fell on me again. “Why couldn’t you talk to me?”
I took a breath. “I think I was scared if I did, I’d find out something that I didn’t want toadmit was really happening.”
Her eye roll was subtle, barely even one, but I caught it, and the shame and guilt in mygut churned like the waves below us.“But it wasn’t real, Nate. None of it was real.” Her eyes searched mine. “How could yoube scared of something that wasn’t real?”
“It felt real,” I said, the breeze casting the words away with it, while I tried my best tohold her stare. “That was good enough for me to retreat and try to forget you existed.”
Hurt washed over her features, the sunshine she thrived in dimming, greying her for amoment. “And did you?” she asked, her eyes falling to her hands which were now playing with the white fabric of her skirt. But she brought them up again a second later to ask, “Did you forget I existed?”
I didn’t let a heartbeat pass before I answered, “No.” Her eyes widened. “Because I thinkdeep down I knew I didn’t want to.” The breeze mingled with the breath I sucked in, as my head fell towards my lap. “I think I realised that living in a world without existing near you would be easier than living without the memory of you at all.”
I found the strength to meet her eyes, twisting my head and holding her stare. I don’tknow how long we stayed like that, exploring what we already knew lived in each other’s eyes, but by the time I finally blinked, the sky had shifted from deep blue to a soft lilac, the sun starting its descent into the ocean, and the sporadic constellations waking up for their day.
Both our gazes shifted ahead, watching the waves roll in from miles away.
“Do you think any of this even matters?” Addy’s voice broke through my thoughtsas I tilted my head to face her.
“What do you mean?”
Her shoulders lifted slightly as she gestured between us. “This. Us. Our jobs. Ourlives…” She looked up at me again. “Is the world even going to remember what we brought to it? Like…” Her gaze fell onto the horizon again. “What if the world is a worse place when I’m writing, and such a brighter thing when I act… when I’m doing what other people tell me to do?”
I kept my eyes on her as I said, “I don’t think it matters what you choose to bring to theworld, Addy; it’s going to remember so much more than that.” I felt her attention on me. “And even then, does it matter what the world remembers? What about the people who know you? The real you.”
My eyes fell onto the line where the sky and sea became one, smiling at the words that were about to fall from my mouth. “Florence would remember the sister she thought she’d never be lucky enough to find. Jacob would remember the way you two would laugh for hours on end about nothing at all. Goldie would remember the guiding light she had with you, and how blessed she was to have you.”
The glint from the tears that veiled her eyes made my heart sink, but I guessed that theywere happy tears that were about to fall from her lash line, thanks to the hint of a smile I could see ghosting her lips.
I caught one of those tears with my thumb as I continued. “When I think of you, Addy, Ithink about how big your heart is. I think about how the world would be a boring, meaningless place without you, regardless of what you choose to do. Books or acting, it’d be duller either way.
“I’d remember how my heart would beat slower, calmer, whenever you took a step closertowards me. I’d remember how my head would clear and my hands would stop shaking when I stopped and stared at you.”
Her tears were washing over her cheeks like the waves were on our feet—constant andheavy, full of power—too many for me to catch, but I wiped away what I could. “I’d remember how amazing it felt to be loved by you. I’d think, Oh my God, what the hell did a guy like me do to deserve to be loved by that girl? What did I do right to get a chance to exist in the same moment as her? That surely fate wouldn’t; it couldn’t be that kind.”
The sparks in her eyes flickered as I brushed another tear and whispered, ”I don”t want to imagine what my life would have looked like if you hadn”t hit me with that water balloon.” A laugh stumbled out of me, triggering one from her, and I loved how it sounded likehome.
“Being loved by you was the best thing that ever happened to me—”
“Love.”
My head pulled back slightly, scanning her face and reading every emotion that waswritten on her face. Her eyes were light and happy, the tears no longer slipping. Her smile was there, present and glowing. Her cheeks were pink and pearly, like the inside of a conch shell. Her hair was wild, and windswept, and all the embers that floated from a campfire in the dead of night combined into one.
And then my eyes fell to her lips as she whispered, “I love you, Nate.” Her hands foundmine, gripping them idly as the salt spray washed over them. “There’s nothing past tense about how much I love you.”
Craning, my neck pulled back as I shook my head. “But I… I—”
“Made a mistake.” My mouth gaped. “But does that one mistake take away fromeverything good you’ve done for me, for us? It doesn’t take away from how I know that the boy I hit with a water balloon that day is still in there.” One of her hands finds its way to my chest, covering my heart. “I know that the boy who told me, in this very spot, that he loved me, is still there.”
Her face falls forward, giving me a moment to take in the words she was saying. I’m sureI could have years to absorb them, and a part of me would always doubt that she’d said these things. But before I knew it, her eyes were looking at me again, as her hand slipped up my neck and cupped my jaw.
“We both messed up… in one way or another. But does that mean we should tormentourselves with what could happen if we decide to let the past remain in the past? Because I don’t think I can wait another second, let alone another seven years to find out what we could be. What we’ve always known we could be, Nate.”
She took a breath, as the golden sunlight lit up her face. “I don’t want to stay away fromyou anymore. I don’t want to forget how much I love you.”
I mirrored how she was holding me, my hand skating under her chin, my thumb brushingover her skin, calming her in the way she did so naturally with me.
I let my head dip, a smile that I never wanted to hide from her again beaming on my face,before wandering to her eyes. “You know… when we were apart, I always used to think about how we could be onseparate corners of the earth, live completely different lives and yet, we’d still belong to each other. My heart would always be yours to break and hold and do whatever you wished. It has been yours, for longer than either of us could probably imagine.”
We were written in the stars before the constellations were even charted. I’d alwaysknown that. There was a cosmic string, made of starlight, that had tied us together before either of us could imagine. It was too complex to understand, too ancient and magical for our tiny brains to comprehend. But I didn’t mind. I didn’t care if I never knew why we were meant to be… so long as we were.
I hadn’t realised how close our faces had gotten in the moments since I spoke, my nosebrushed down the bridge of hers, dipping our heads. Our lips were almost touching, a breath away from a kiss. My hand curved round to the base of her neck, tilting her head toward the sky and faint dusting of stars that were watching us.
“What do you say, Firefly… shall we start over?” I ask, delighting in the amusement nowglazing her eyes, and how I felt her smile on my lips.
She nodded lightly. “Yes.” Her eyes squeezed shut, then sprung open with a laugh. “Hi,I’m Adaline.”
My laugh had me pulling my head back, before falling in front of her again. “Hello,Adaline… I’m Nate… and I think I’m in love with you.”
Her thumb skated across my cheek as she whispered onto my lips, “I’m in love withyou… what should we do about that?”
“Never forget it.” I pressed a kiss, light and timeless, onto her lips. “Ever.”
We gave into each other then, our mouths crashing like the hundreds of waves that hadcrashed onto the shore just behind us in the time we’d been sitting here. I savoured every corner, every dip, every swipe from her tongue across mine. My heart slowed down entirely, like it wanted to help me for once, like it wanted me to enjoy this moment how I should.
My head felt as clear as the sky above us—a canvas of lilac and yellow and midnightblue. I felt weightless. At peace. All the feelings that were alien to me had taken over and become a blanket around me. Although… I had a feeling that none of that was to do with me, my body, but instead, the girl who was wrapping her hands around my neck and pulling me towards her.
As she kissed me harder, pressing her lips into mine like they would vanish at anymoment, I thought back on what I said before. I truly meant it when I said that I had no idea what I’d done right to deserve a shot at existing at the same time as her, being chosen by her, being held by her. I could probably think over it for days and never find the answer.
But what hit me hardest was that having a chance to love her once was pure luck… andthe fact that I got another shot, another chance to make things right and start over?It was like the fates, for the first time in years, were in favour of us.