Chapter 12 #8
And with no warning I feel a hotness behind my eyes. I have no idea why. I don’t know why I suddenly feel affected. I want to type I admire you, but I can’t bring myself to. Not even by text. Instead, after a moment’s hesitation, I type:
I understand you.
Of course you do. You’d do the same.
I stare at the screen, discomfited. Me? What have I got to do with it?
I wouldn’t.
I’ve got to know you pretty well, Poppy Wyatt. You would.
I don’t know what to say, so I start moving through the wood again, into what seems even blacker darkness.
My hand is wrapped round the phone so tightly I’m going to get a cramp.
But somehow I can’t loosen my fingers. I feel as though the harder I grip, the more I’m connected to Sam. I feel as though I’m holding his hand.
And I don’t want to let go. I don’t want this to end. Even though I’m stumbling and cold and in the middle of nowhere. We’re in a place that we won’t ever be again.
On impulse, I type:
I’m glad it was your phone I picked up.
A moment later his reply comes:
So am I.
I feel a tiny glow inside. Maybe he’s just being polite. But I don’t think so.
It’s been good. Weird but good.
Weird but good would sum it up, yes.
He sent another smiley face! I don’t believe it!
What’s happened to the man formerly known as Sam Roxton?
He’s broadening his horizons. Which reminds me, where have all your kisses gone?
I peer at my phone, surprised at myself.
Dunno. You’ve cured me.
I’ve never sent kisses to Sam, it occurs to me. Not once. Strange. Well, I can make up for that now. I’m almost giggling as I press the X button down firmly.
Xxxxxxxx
A moment later his reply arrives:
Xxxxxxxxxx
Ha! With a snuffle of laughter, I type an even longer row of kisses.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xxx xxx xxx
I see you.
I peer through the gloom again, but he must have better eyesight than I do, because I can’t see anything.
Really?
Coming.
I lean forward, craning my neck, squinting for a glimpse of light, but there’s nothing. He must have seen some other light.
Can’t see you.
I’m coming.
You’re nowhere near.
Yes I am. Coming.
And then suddenly I hear his footsteps approaching. He’s behind me, thirty feet away, at a guess. No wonder I couldn’t see him.
I should turn. Right now I should turn. This is the moment that it would be natural to swivel round and greet him. Call out a hello; wave my phone in the air.
But my feet are rooted to the spot. I can’t bring myself to move. Because as soon as I do, it will be time to be polite and matter-of-fact and back to normal. And I can’t bear that. I want to stay here. In the place where we can say anything to each other. In the magic spell.
Sam pauses, right behind me. There’s an unbearable fragile beat as I wait for him to shatter the quiet.
But it’s as though he feels the same way.
He says nothing. All I can hear is the gentle sound of his breathing.
Slowly, his arms wrap round me from behind.
I close my eyes and lean back against his chest, feeling unreal.
I’m standing in a wood with Sam and his arms are around me and they really shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Except…I do. Of course I do. Because as his hands gently cup my waist, I don’t make a sound.
As he swivels me around to face him, I don’t make a sound.
And as his stubble rasps my face, I don’t make a sound.
I don’t need to. We’re still talking. Every touch he makes, every imprint of his skin is like another word, another thought, a continuation of our conversation. And we’re not done yet. Not yet.
—
I don’t know how long we’re there. Five minutes, maybe. Ten minutes.
But the moment can’t last forever, and it doesn’t.
The bubble doesn’t so much burst as evaporate, leaving us back in the real world.
Realizing our arms are round each other; awkwardly stepping apart; feeling the chill night air rush between us.
I look away, clearing my throat, rubbing his touch off my skin.
“So, shall we—”
“Yes.”
As we pad through the woods, neither of us speaks. I can’t believe what just happened. Already it seems like a dream. Something impossible.
It was in the forest. No one saw it or heard it. So did it actually happen?[*87]
Sam’s phone is buzzing and this time he takes it to his ear.
“Hi, Vicks.”
And just like that, it’s over. At the edge of the wood I can see a posse of people striding over the grass toward us.
And the aftermath begins. I must be a little dazed from our encounter, because I can’t engage with any of this.
I’m aware of Vicks and Robbie and Mark all raising their voices, and Sam staying calm, and Vicks getting near to tears, which seems a bit unlikely for her, and talk of trains and cars and emergency press briefings and then Mark saying, “It’s Sir Nicholas for you, Sam,” and everyone moving back a step, almost respectfully, as Sam takes the call.
And then suddenly the cars are here to take everyone back to London, and we’re heading out to the drive and Vicks is bossing everyone around and everyone’s going to regroup at 7:00 a.m. at the office.
I’ve been allotted to a car with Sam. As I get in, Vicks leans in and says, “Thanks, Poppy.” I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not.
“It’s OK,” I say, just in case she’s not. “And…I’m sorry. About—”
“Yup,” she says tightly.
And then the car moves off. Sam is texting intently, a deep frown on his face.
I don’t dare make a sound. I check my phone for a message from Magnus, but there’s nothing.
So I drop it down on the seat and stare out the window, letting the streetlamps blur into a stream of light, wondering where the hell I’m going.
—
I didn’t even know I’d fallen asleep.
But somehow my head is on Sam’s chest and he’s saying, “Poppy? Poppy?” Suddenly I wake up properly, and my neck is cricked and I’m looking out of a car window at a funny angle.
“Oh.” I scramble to a sitting position, wincing as my head spins. “Sorry. God. You should have—”
“No problem. Is this your address?”
I peer blearily out the window. We’re in Balham. We’re outside my block of flats. I glance at my watch. It’s gone midnight.
“Yes,” I say in disbelief. “This is me. How did you—”
Sam nods at my phone, still on the car seat. “Your address was in there.”
“Oh. Right.” I can hardly complain about him invading my privacy.
“I didn’t want to wake you.”
“No. Of course. That’s fine.” I nod. “Thanks.”
Sam picks up the phone and seems about to hand it to me—then he hesitates.
“I read your messages, Poppy. All of them.”
“Oh.” I clear my throat, unsure how to react. “Wow. Well. That’s…that’s a bit much, don’t you think? I mean, I know I read your emails, but you didn’t need to—”
“It’s Lucinda.”
“What?” I stare at him dumbly.
“For my money, Lucinda’s your girl.”
Lucinda?
“But what—Why?”
“She’s been lying to you. Consistently. She couldn’t have been in all the places she says she has at the times she’s said. It’s not physically possible.”
“Actually…I noticed that too,” I admit. “I thought she was trying to bill me for more hours or something.”
“Does she bill by the hour?”
I rub my nose, feeling stupid. In fact, she doesn’t. It’s an all-inclusive fee.
“Have you ever noticed that Magnus and Lucinda inevitably text you within ten minutes of each other?”
Slowly, I shake my head. Why would I notice that? I get zillions of texts every day, from all kinds of people. And, anyway, how did he notice?
“I started off life as an analyst.” He looks a bit abashed. “This is my kind of thing.”
“What’s your kind of thing?” I say, puzzled.
Sam produces a piece of paper and I clap a hand over my mouth. I don’t believe it. He’s drawn a chart. Times and dates. Calls. Texts. Emails. Has he been doing this while I’ve been asleep?
“I analyzed your messages. You’ll see what’s going on.”
He analyzed my messages. How do you analyze messages?
He hands me the paper and I blink at it.
“What…”
“You see the correlation?”
Correlation. I have no idea what he’s talking about. It sounds like something from math exams.
“Um…”
“Take this date.” He points at the paper.
“They both email at around six p.m. asking how you’re doing, being chatty.
Then at eight p.m. Magnus tells you he’s working late at the London Library, and a few minutes later Lucinda tells you she’s working on garters for the bridesmaids at a fashion warehouse in Shoreditch. At eight at night? Please.”
I’m silent for a few moments. I remember that email about the garters now. It seemed a bit odd, even at the time. But you can’t jump to conclusions from one weird email, surely?
“Who asked you to analyze my messages, anyway?” I know I sound all prickly, but I can’t help it. “Who said it was any of your business?”
“No one. You were asleep.” He spreads his hands. “I’m sorry. I just started looking idly and then a pattern built up.”
“Two emails aren’t a pattern.”