34. Thirty-Four
thirty-four
Her head swam, his words distorted.
Other. Sacrifice.
Neira stood too quickly, wavered, but Erqis caught her before she could stumble. His hands grasped her waist, warm and secure, and hers curled into his sleeves as she focused on the blurry laces that stretched between the lapels of the simple shirt he wore. He was saying her name with such concerned gentleness it tightened her throat.
"I don't know what happened to my mother," she blurted out. Somehow, her forehead had come to rest against Erqis' sternum, one of his hands cupping the back of her head. Her breath came in heaving gasps, but no air seemed to reach her lungs. She was suffocating. Drowning. "I don't – she was just gone. Gone, and I never, never asked why, I just…"
Why had she never asked? Somehow she had just accepted the fact that one day the woman was gone, and life had continued. Neira couldn't even remember being sad at her passing, only felt a gnawing melancholy whenever she missed her.
Erqis murmured something above her head, pulling her fully into an embrace and, for once, her first impulse was not to push him away. She clung to him instead as if he was a lifeline, her face buried against the fabric of his shirt. It was warm, it smelled like him, and his chest beyond it was comfortingly firm.
"I've got you."
"I should have asked ." What kind of monster would just take her mother disappearing in stride? What sort of horrible, self-important person was she? How had she never wondered about the when or how or why ?
Vaguely, Neira was aware Erqis was leading her somewhere, that she was being gently guided into his lap. An image came, unbidden, cutting through the fog: her father's cold throne hall, the invader insolently lounging on the throne she wanted to own and break – the humiliation they wanted her to experience, throwing her at him naked.
But then: Erqis, his jewel eyes glittering with delight, offering her his own blade for her revenge.
Erqis, who was kissing her forehead and holding her close, and by the gods she did not want this warm affection for him blooming in her chest, where that hollow chasm filled with all her worst decisions, her derision for everyone she was surrounded by, used to be.
And that, in itself, was another a humiliation she was forced to suffer.
Something was throbbing through her, her blood spiked with needles. Erqis hissed as though something had stung him but he only held her more tightly.
Neira pushed herself back, confusion turning to stark horror: where her cheek had rested on his chest, dark veins were spreading. Everywhere she touched him, a darkness spread beneath his skin, pain tightening his handsome face.
"Let go of me!" She cried out.
"No."
"I'm hurting you. Let go." She pushed at his arm, whimpering in terror when the veins darkened there as well, as if she was disintegrating him from the inside out.
"I'm not letting you go." The words were pain pressed through gritted teeth. "You need me."
"You stubborn bastard."
Rein it in, she had to rein it in. Neira forced herself to slow her breaths, deepen them.
"You can do it. I'm all right. You control it, it does not control you."
"I'm sorry. I'm trying, I'm sorry-"
"I forgive you." Erqis’ amused grin was more a grimace. "This is nothing. You couldn't hurt me if you tried, Neira."
Irritation lanced through her, so familiar a response it seemed a balm on her frazzled nerves, soothing the terror. "Don't make me try."
And then he kissed her. He made another soft, pained sound; his lips warmed against hers then rapidly lost that warmth, only to heat again – his magic, fighting hers. Again and again the two forces pushed against each other, until the seconds of warmth stretched and expanded and the cold shrivelled away, winter thawing into a scorching, early summer.
"I'm a monster," Neira whispered against his mouth.
"You are mine." Erqis leaned his forehead to hers, sharing her breath. "My queen. My wife. And if you are a monster – what do you think I am?" He smiled, so tender that she wanted to sob. "We match."
We match . The words shuddered through her, filled her. Calmed her, because no matter the abomination she was becoming, Erqis would stand in front of her, by her side, and draw the attention away.
"I wish I knew what happened."
Erqis tucked her head into the curve of his neck, idly rocking her. Not unlike a child but it was soothing nonetheless. Neira closed her eyes to bask in the easy affection.
"About your mother?"
"About everything. There are so many days of my life that I just… don't remember."
"Perhaps nothing of import happened then."
"Perhaps." She fell silent for a moment, turning that over in her mind. "She was just gone one day. As if she had never been there. I don't think we ever mourned her. He could have brought her back, I know that now, but he didn't. Why wouldn’t he?"
"We’ll never know the reason." Erqis kissed her forehead again. "I'm sorry you lost her, love. I'm sorry you lost so much of your life."
"Thank you."
"If anyone asks, we should probably go with the ancient, evil entity as a story for how you got your magic. Somehow, that's seen as preferable to alchemy." He squeezed her gently when she gave a dry laugh. "If you want to… well, even if you don't want to, really... I need your help."
Neira lifted her head to frown at him. "With what?"
He shrugged. "I thought about your regiar idea – I think it's a good one."
"Is that so." Rather than gloating that she was right – because of course she was – she was irritated he had wasted her time by not listening to her in the first place.
Erqis nipped the tip of her nose. "I told you, I've been thinking about it. If you think it is the right path, I will walk it."
"The noble houses will benefit from having something to do besides plotting." An idea was forming in her mind, now that the dread was fading. "Sooner rather than later, too."
He looked so pleased with himself that she wanted to smack him but he did deserve credit for talking her down so efficiently, so for once she stayed her hand.
"Do you have a plan?” He asked. “You look like you have a plan."
"I want you to meet someone."