Chapter 8 #2
I expected Trevor to continue the conversation from the driveway, but instead, he remained silent.
Sipping his wine, he stared out the window, and I followed his gaze.
It was a gorgeous day, the sky blue and only a few white, puffy clouds floating above, and the air warm with the promise of summer.
It was the kind of day that should have given me hope, should have made my mood light, but that was an impossible feat.
I felt too weighed down, too alone. And I was sick of it.
I started talking before I could think better of it. “I want to tell you, Trev, I really do. But you know how things are these days. If anyone ever found out you knew…” I trailed off, at a loss for words but also knowing I didn’t have to explain.
He set his glass down and said, “Send me a dollar.”
“A dollar?” I repeated, tearing my attention from the pool, and, focusing on him, I lifted my eyebrows skeptically.
“That’s right. A dollar.”
His tone told me there was no room for argument, so I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone. I sent the dollar, and two seconds later, his phone dinged.
Trevor checked his phone. “Now I am officially your lawyer and anything you tell me falls under the umbrella of client confidentiality.”
“Seriously?” I asked because I wasn’t sure if such a thing would hold up in court.
Trevor retrieved his wine glass, pinned me with a serious expression, and said, “Yes. Now talk.”
I focused on the pool again and started talking before I could think better of it. “Do you remember sophomore year?”
“I do,” Trevor said, and even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel his gaze on me. It gave me courage.
“Things were so messed up. RNAB-55 was so bad, and Dad had just died, and my mom was so – ”
I wasn’t sure how to describe how my mom had been during that time without sullying her memory.
She was a great mom. The best. She’d stood beside me that year, did what she had to at great risk to herself, and never once judged me.
We had such a good relationship after that.
Were close until she died during the influenza outbreak during the winter of 2061.
Losing her had nearly crushed me. But after my dad died, she’d been missing.
Present but not present. It had left me alone.
Vulnerable. Had set in motion what happened.
“Fucked in the head?” Trevor supplied when I couldn’t come up with words to describe how my mom had been back then.
I laughed, but it was bitter and angry. “Yeah. Fucked in the head.”
I took another sip of wine to give myself courage.
Trevor and I had been friends since the age of twelve, and until this thing, this one huge thing, I’d never hesitated to tell him anything.
In fact, I was pretty sure it was the only secret between us.
At least on my end. But it had just been too big, too dangerous, and not only had I wanted to protect him from the consequences of knowing the truth, but I’d also wanted to protect myself from how his perception of me might change if he knew.
Now, I no longer worried about that part.
Trevor would never judge me. But the other part, the part where he could end up in jail, was still a very real concern.
I just hoped to God Trevor was right about this confidentiality thing.
“I wasn’t doing so great either,” I went on, my focus still on the back yard even though I wasn’t really seeing it.
“Which was probably the only reason I responded to Michael Paulson when he started flirting with me. I mean, everyone knew what a dick he was, and any other time, I would have laughed in his face. But I felt so alone, so vulnerable, and it felt so good to be seen.”
Trevor squeezed my leg. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more.”
I tore my gaze from the pool, blinking away tears and giving him a grateful smile. “You did what you could. I knew that then and I know that now, but I needed more. I needed my mom. But when I couldn’t get that, I decided Michael’s attention would be a good substitute.”
Trevor let out a long breath, his hand still on my leg, but said nothing.
Still, the expression in his eyes made it seem like he not only knew what was coming, but that he’d either known or at least suspected the truth for a long time.
He knew me so well that it probably shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but it did.
I went on.
“Michael invited me to his house one day after school. His dad was dead, too, and his mom was never around. That was how he got me, really. He pretended to understand what I was going through, pretended to sympathize. Pretended he cared.” I sniffed and looked away, unable to maintain eye contact.
“He didn’t force me, exactly, although I can’t say I was a totally willing participant either, and he wasn’t exactly tender.
It was rough and over quick, and it hurt, and when he was done, he acted like it had been so great.
Like I’d been so great. So, the next time he asked me to come over, I went.
“It never really got better, and I can’t even say I ever enjoyed it, but when I was with him, I was at least able to think about something other than my shitty life. So, I kept going to his house. Kept letting him do that to me. Things went on like that for weeks. Six weeks, to be exact…”
My words hung in the air, floating around us as the silence stretched out.
Trevor seemed to be holding his breath, and his hand had tightened on my leg as he waited to see if I would go on.
I would. I’d gone too far to turn back now, but I still needed a moment to collect myself.
After all, I hadn’t said the words out loud since I was sixteen years old. Hadn’t thought I ever would again.
“I got pregnant.” The statement was a whisper but still seemed loud in the silent room.
“I missed a period and freaked out, but you know how things were. Are. It wasn’t like I could just walk into a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Minors aren’t allowed and adults have to show identification so the government can keep tabs on all pregnancies.
I didn’t know what to do, and my mom was totally checked out.
I did know, though, that I could never tell Michael.
What if he’d turned me in? I would have ended up as a ward of the state, living in one of the group homes until I gave birth.
And then what? There were so many rumors surrounding the group homes, so many crazy stories, and I was scared. ”
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as the terror of that time came back in a rush.
“What did you do?” Trevor whispered when I didn’t go on.
“I ignored it at first,” I said, my eyes still closed.
“Maybe I was hoping it would go away, maybe I was hoping for a miracle. I don’t know.
I just know that eventually my mom noticed something was wrong.
I guess she’d been paying more attention than I thought.
” I took a deep breath, blew it out, then opened my eyes and focused on Trevor.
“One day she asked me about it outright, and I told her everything. About Michael and feeling so alone, about how I’d gone to him for comfort.
She’d started crying, telling me she was sorry, that she’d take care of things, that she would make it up to me.
She promised she’d figure out what to do.
That night she bought the test, falsifying the document she had to sign and claiming it was for herself.
When it came back positive, she went into action.
“I think the whole thing snapped her out of it. Made her realize she had a hell of a lot more to lose than just my dad. Anyway, I have no clue who she asked or how it all worked, but somehow, she found a place and got the money together so I could go. They gave us a few options. I could stay for the duration of the pregnancy and have the baby. If I wanted to keep it, they would falsify the records saying my mother was the one who’d given birth.
If I didn’t, they would find it a home.” Trevor’s eyes were so intent on mine that I had to look away before I said the next words because even though I knew Trevor wouldn’t judge me, I also knew how morally abhorrent most people found the whole thing.
“Or, if I chose, I could end it. The decision was easy.”
Trevor sucked in a breath, and I braced myself for his rebuke, but when he’d exhaled, all he said was, “I’m so sorry, Ara. Sorry you went through that and I couldn’t be there for you. Sorry you never thought you could tell me.”
“The secret was too dangerous,” I said, thinking about the stories I’d heard of family members going to jail for keeping quiet. When I spoke again, my voice came out so low even I barely heard the words. “I wanted to protect you.”
“I know,” Trevor whispered.
I once again focused on him. “Did you? Know, I mean. It kind of seems like you did.”
“I suspected.” He pushed his glasses up so he could pinch the bridge of his nose, something he did when he was stressed.
“I mean, you went to California to visit an aunt I’d never heard of.
Plus, it wasn’t like your mom was swimming in money.
I thought, maybe, something was going on, but it wasn’t until the last few years that I really started to wonder.
With your twenty-sixth birthday looming and the whole Fertility Act thing, and how you were so adamant about never wanting to have kids, it wasn’t too hard to put the puzzle pieces together. ”
“You know me too well,” I said, giving him a shaky smile.
“That’s because I’m your best friend.” His expression was uncertain.
“I’m sorry you have to go through all this, and I don’t want you to have to dwell on it or to add stress to your life, but I have to ask.
Will the doctors be able to tell? That you’ve had an – ” He hesitated as if saying the word wasn’t easy. “Abortion.”
“No. The people in the underground assured me it wasn’t possible.
Even if I’d chosen to have the baby, they would have done a c-section then falsified my medical records, making it look like the scar was from a car accident or some other emergency surgery.
They were careful to cover their tracks and to protect me from any future suspicions. ”
Trevor let out a relieved breath. “Good.”
Everything I’d told him was true, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t worried.
What if the doctors in the underground had been wrong about no one being able to tell?
I could lie. Say I got pregnant when I was a teenager but claim I’d had a miscarriage before I’d had a chance to tell anyone.
It was something I would try before admitting the truth, and it might work, but there was a chance it wouldn’t.
What then? I would go to jail. Forever, probably.
As if the same worries were going through his head, Trevor watched me closely as he sipped his wine.
He said nothing, but I knew him as well as he knew me and could read the concern in his eyes.
Since there was nothing I could do about it – and it was my birthday – I decided to focus on the now.
Trevor had planned a party, had invited friends, and with only ten days left before I had to hand my body over to the government, I was determined to enjoy today.
Whatever happened next would happen no matter what I did, so there was no point in dwelling on it.