Chapter 14
Fourteen
My salad forgotten, I headed to my bedroom, typing a quick text to my boss as I walked.
I WON’T BE IN TOMORROW. SORRY.
It was short but since she was aware of what was going on, I didn’t need to explain.
After I hit send, I stripped my clothes off and slid into bed, my fingers already flying across the screen as I typed a text to Trevor.
TOMORROW’S THE DAY. DON’T ASK HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW. PART OF ME IS RELIEVED TO JUST GET IT OVER WITH BUT ANOTHER PART WANTS THE WORLD TO IMPLODE SO I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF IT. UGH. I HATE THIS.
I settled in, staring at my phone as I waited for a response.
He was usually pretty fast, but when the minutes ticked by and the message still hadn’t changed to read, I remembered that tonight was his date with Owen.
Shit. I shouldn’t burden Trevor with my baggage when he was on a date. It wasn’t fair.
Quickly, I typed a new text.
I’M AN ASS. I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR DATE. HAVE FUN SO YOU CAN CHEER ME UP WITH ALL THE DETAILS TOMORROW. LOVE YOU.
I hit send and tossed my phone on the bed, then closed my eyes.
I expected sleep to elude me, but to my shock, I not only drifted off easily, but I also didn’t dream. It was a relief even if I didn’t exactly wake the next morning feeling rested. And it couldn’t push away my dread at what I had to do.
In a moment of stupidity, I’d tossed my phone on the bed the night before instead of plugging it in, and it was dead when I woke.
Seeing the black screen gave me a moment of panic since I relied on my phone to wake me for work.
Then I remembered that I wasn’t going in today and had until eight o’clock tonight to report to the Department of Fertility and relaxed. Only a little, of course.
I plugged my phone in while I showered, doing my best not to think about what awaited me, and by the time I was out and dry and dressed, it was at least on, allowing me to see not only the time but the texts I’d missed the night before.
One from my boss saying she understood, two from Trevor, the first telling me not to worry and the second asking if I was okay.
There was a third from a number I didn’t have saved in my phone but could immediately tell was from Hilary.
JUST GOT THE NEWS. AMAZING! I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!
I wasn’t sure if she sent it because she was genuinely excited or if it was a not-so-subtle reminder of my contractual obligation, but either way, I wished she’d left me the fuck alone.
It was a little after nine, late if I’d been heading to work but still early since I had nothing to do but go to the Department of Fertility and put my feet in stirrups.
Desperately, I wished I could hit a café, grab a latte and muffin, and scroll social media while I sipped my coffee.
Although, after last night, I doubted that would go well.
I wasn’t exactly in the mood to be in the public eye.
I took my time getting ready, blow drying my long brown hair then curling it, which was something I never did.
For no reason other than that I wanted to put off the inevitable as long as possible, I did my makeup, even going so far as to line my green eyes and put on lipstick.
Once I was finished, I stood back and studied my reflection.
I looked like a caricature of myself or like I was dressing up for the people at the clinic, and that was the last thing I wanted to do, so I washed it off.
When my face was once again clean of makeup, I raked my still damp fingers through my hair and pulled it into a ponytail.
The result was much more me, which was what I needed right now. To feel like me.
Not until I stepped outside did I realized how overcast and chilly the day was.
I pulled my weather app up as I walked, so I could check the temperature and forecast. It was only sixty-four degrees, and although the high would be around seventy-eight, there was a significant chance of rain.
Good. After getting a stranger’s sperm inserted into my body, watching a thunderstorm roll through town from the comfort of my living room seemed fitting.
Unlike my first trip to the Department of Fertility, I didn’t drag my feet.
I walked briskly, like I was late for an appointment, my head held high as I worked to focus on anything but where I was going.
I studied the freshly bloomed flowers in the various landscaped areas around town, the people I passed, and even the buildings.
Nothing escaped my notice, and with my attention on my surroundings, I was able to relax a little.
Not a lot, but enough that I wasn’t nearly as tense as I’d expected when I reached my destination.
I barely thought about the security procedures as I showed my ID and answered the same questions as the other times I’d been here, and only briefly registered that the same woman I’d met on my first visit was at the desk.
I returned her smile absentmindedly, took my driver’s license when she handed it back to me, then proceeded to the elevator.
The same Department of Fertility soldier stood beside it.
“Good morning,” he said, offering me a warm smile.
“Good for who?” I muttered as I jammed my finger against the button.
Undeterred by my mood, his grin stretched wider, deepening the dimple in his left cheek. “I’m having a good day.”
The wink he shot me made it obvious he was implying that his day was good because of me. I rolled my eyes, then stepped into the elevator without responding when the door opened. I was seriously not in the mood to get hit on.
Like the other times, the fake blonde was behind the desk when I stepped out of the elevator.
Unlike before, however, a blonde woman was sitting on the overstuffed couch in the waiting room.
She was younger than me, it only took one glance to determine that, and wore a contented expression that made it clear this was a happy occasion for her.
She also had a slightly rounded stomach that made my sour mood even worse.
As if sensing me looking at her, the woman lifted her head. She offered me a tentative smile, and while I forced myself not to scowl, I also didn’t return it. Even if I realized that none of this was her fault and she had a right to be happy, I was much too bitter to pretend.
The woman’s smile faded, and she looked away.
“Miss Murphy!” Department of Fertility Barbie exclaimed, beaming. “I heard the good news this morning when I arrived. Congrats on being fertile!”
Was there no such thing as patient confidentiality anymore? This woman was just the receptionist and shouldn’t know my medical history, and she definitely shouldn’t be allowed to announce my personal information to the entire waiting room. It was such a violation of privacy, and it made me furious.
Since there was nothing I could do about it, I pushed my angry retort down and said, “I’m here.”
Department of Fertility Barbie’s smile faded. “Yes. You are.” She typed a few things into the tablet in front of her, her nails clicking much too loudly in the mostly silent room. “I’ll let the doctor know. You can take a seat.”
I sat as far away from the pregnant woman as possible, which I was sure she didn’t miss.
Not wanting to look at her again for both our sakes, I focused on the fish tank while I waited.
My gaze zeroed in on a bright blue creature as it twisted around the fake foliage and bubbles like it was swimming an obstacle course.
I wanted to find some of the Zen I’d managed to conjure up on the walk here, because this appointment was inevitable, and there was no point in going in there defensive and angry.
As much as I hated this, as much as I resented the people who worked here, I needed them to be my allies throughout this process so we could get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Once it was all done, then I could tell them to go to hell for the part they’d played in hijacking my uterus.
And I would. I would tell each and every one exactly what I thought of them.
The thought made me smile, which contrasted with my sour mood but also eased some of my angst. The smile melted away when the frosted glass door I’d now come to despise opened and Hilary stuck her head out.
She looked around, her expression brightening when she spotted me. “Ara!”
I could feel the eyes of both the other woman and the receptionist on me as I got to my feet, but not wanting to see their expressions, I keep my focus on Hilary.
It made it possible to convince myself that if I were to meet the gazes of the other two women, I would see sympathy and understanding in their eyes rather than excitement, which allowed me to feel like I wasn’t completely alone.
Hilary pushed the door open wider as I made my way toward her. “And how are we feeling today? Excited? Nervous? Both are normal.”
How about furious? I thought. Is that normal?
“I’m fine,” was what I chose to say out loud.
Hilary’s smile faltered but only a little. “I know it’s overwhelming, but like I’ve said, there’s nothing to worry about. The program is designed to take as little toll on you as possible.”
She had to be kidding. One glance at her, though, told me she really believed that, and it had all the bitterness rising in me again.
How could she not understand what a huge toll this process was going to take on me?
It wasn’t just the physical aspect, although that was going to be huge, but the emotional one as well.
Whether or not I got pregnant, whether or not I chose to keep the baby, I would be a different person when this was all done.
When I said nothing, Hilary looked past me to the waiting room. “We’ll be with you shortly, Mrs. Billings,” she said to the other woman. “Inseminations, as you know, take precedence over checkups.”
“I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready for me,” the blonde said in a slightly southern accent.