Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
That night during free time, I headed to the fourth floor.
The hall was mostly dark since the rooms up here were unoccupied and no one had bothered to replace the dead bulbs, and it gave the illusion of privacy.
Although that was just what it was. An illusion.
What Marc and I were doing was a risk because anyone could stumble upon us at any time. We had to be careful.
Marc was already there, waiting in a little alcove at the end of one of the halls on a bench that had been built under the window.
It looked out on the gardens where there had at one time been a maze but was now overgrown with weeds and impossible to traverse.
I’d tried one day when I was bored. Still, the view from up here was beautiful, especially during this time of the day when the sun dipped low, painting the sky a canvas of colors that would have made Monet envious.
Marc stood as I drew near. His face was cloaked in shadows, making it impossible to read his expression, but his body language was relaxed.
“How are you feeling?” he asked when I stopped in front of him.
I let out a bitter laugh that bounced off the walls, taunting me. “Pissed. Resigned. Scared.”
His head bobbed, but I still couldn’t see his face well enough to read his expression. “I guess that makes sense.” After a moment of hesitation, he stepped aside and waved to the bench. “Want to talk?”
“Yeah,” I said, the word mostly a sigh.
I sank onto the bench, putting my back against the wall and pulling my legs up.
I hugged them against my chest, my focus on the mountains in the distance and the pink sky beyond.
It was breathtaking, but it didn’t fill me with the same awe that a beautiful sunset usually did. My mood was too morose for that.
I didn’t want to be pregnant. Didn’t want to have to deal with morning sickness and more doctors’ appointments than I already had to attend, or the medical tests that would follow.
I didn’t want to have to push a baby out of my body only to hand it over to a stranger.
No, I didn’t want to keep it, and I didn’t want to be a mom, but I wasn’t a fool.
Giving a child away after carrying it for nine months wouldn’t be easy.
It would be the hardest part of all this.
Tears filled my eyes, and as hard as I tried to blink them away, they refused to obey.
In seconds, they’d spilled over and were running down my cheeks, which only made me angrier.
I’d come here for a distraction but even Marc couldn’t do that for me.
Nothing could take my mind off what had happened today.
“Ara,” Marc said, his voice gentle.
Angrily, I wiped my hand across first one cheek then the other. “I’m sorry. I feel stupid for crying, but I can’t help it. I’m so mad. I feel so violated.”
“You should,” he whispered, and to my surprise, reached for my hand.
I was hugging my knees, but he managed to pry my left hand free, which he held in his. It was bigger than mine and rough from hard work, but so comforting it had me tearing up all over again.
He held my hand as I cried, my sobs silent even as they shook my body. His grip was firm yet gentle, and he said nothing while he waited for me to pull myself together. It took longer than it should have.
When I was finally cried out, I pulled my hand from his and once again dried the tears from my cheeks. “Thanks.”
“I’m not sure I did much,” he said.
“You listened, which was what I needed.” I exhaled. “I mean, it’s not that I couldn’t talk to some of the other women here, but this is different. You don’t have your own baggage when it comes to the subject.”
He gave me a subdued smile that, despite my horrible mood, had my pulse quickening. “I get that and I’m happy to listen. Any time. I mean, I know I’m not the same as Trevor, but I can still sympathize.”
“God, I miss him.” I forced out a smile. “We’ve known one another for so long. Have been through so much together. It feels wrong to be going through this without him.”
“I hope I can meet him one day.”
“Me too,” I said, smiling both because the idea warmed me and because Marc was thinking about what would happen after all this.
I’d only known him for a little over a week, but thinking about what could happen next had been a good distraction.
I didn’t make connections with people easily, but there had been something between us.
Even before we came here, if I was being honest. I’d looked for Marc when I went into the Health Department building back home, had counted on him distracting me.
I should have realized what it was, but I’d been too focused on other things.
And at the time, I’d had my best friend to lean on. Unlike now.
“I wish I could talk to Trevor,” I murmured.
I’d have to wait two days to call him. Even then, the conversation would be monitored and short and topics off limits. I felt so secluded here. So, in the dark.
“Ara, I –” When Marc hesitated, something flashed in his eyes.
I sat up straight, suddenly more afraid than I’d been since I got here. “What is it?”
“Shit.” He ran his hand over his head. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, obviously, since I’m not even supposed to be here, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to call Trevor.”
Alarm shot through me. Was something wrong with the phones? They hadn’t even been fixed for a week, and not everyone had gotten the opportunity to call home yet, so I hoped not. Even those of us who’d gotten the chance had only been given fifteen minutes. That wasn’t enough. Not by a long shot.
“What do you mean? Tell me what you mean, Marc!”
He let out a long, pained breath. “They never had any intention of letting you stay in contact with your family.”
“What?” I squeaked out.
“It’s too hard to monitor. There’s too much you could let slip.
Too many things they could tell you that would disrupt what’s going on here.
I’m sorry, I am, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the plan was always to allow everyone one phone call and then make an excuse as to why the outside world could no longer be reached. ”
I was too stunned to cry. We really were in prison. No, this was worse than prison.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, I asked, “What about you guys? Will you still have WIFI and be able to make calls?”
Marc winced, which revealed the truth even before he said, “Yes.”
I wanted to vomit.
We were quiet for a few minutes, me because I was stunned into silence and him because he probably didn’t know what to say.
Not that there was anything to say. He didn’t need to apologize for something he had no control over, and there were no words to comfort me.
This was how it was, and as shocked I’d been at first, I wasn’t really that surprised.
“I’m sorry, Ara,” he finally said. “It’s not fair. I know it isn’t.”
“It’s not your fault,” I mumbled.
He took my hand. “I know, but I can still be sorry for what you’re going through.”
Despite how sad and angry I was, I appreciated the gesture. I also appreciated that he’d told me, so I wasn’t blindsided.
“We should probably head down,” he said after a few seconds of silence. “Someone is going to miss me if I stay away too long.”
“Same,” I said, even though I didn’t think it was true. Bette would be the only one who might notice, but she had bigger things to worry about right now. Like when she was going to go into labor.
When I looked back, Marc was staring at me.
The moon was out and big and full in the sky, its rays illuminating the side of his face.
It brightened his dark eyes and made it possible to read his expression clearly for the first time since joining him here.
What I saw made me suck in a breath. The way he was staring at me was different than how any man had ever looked at me before, and there was both longing and regret in his gaze.
As if realizing I’d seen it, he looked away and got to his feet. “We probably shouldn’t push our luck.”
“Yeah,” I reluctantly agreed as I, too, got to my feet.
It was my turn to stare at him, although he didn’t know it because he was too focused on the floor.
Almost like he was afraid to look at me.
Like he was afraid of what would happen.
I knew what I wanted to happen, and I assumed he wanted the same thing.
But it was too risky. Too far. We couldn’t cross that line.
I gnawed on my bottom lip as the seconds ticked by, knowing I should walk away.
Knowing I needed to put space between us before I did something stupid.
The problem was, I didn’t want to. Almost everything in my life had been taken from me, but I refused to surrender my feelings, and I wanted to be here with Marc.
Wanted to be in his arms, to have my body pressed against his as we kissed.
I wanted to be in control of at least some part of my life.
It was the last thought that pushed me to take a step closer to him.
He looked up when I did, and our eyes met. As soon as they did, I knew neither of us would be able to resist, so it was no surprise when he reached out, grabbed my waist, and pulled me against him.
His mouth covered mine, his lips hungry and insistent.
I wrapped my arms around him, clung to him, kissed him back.
It was the most intense first kiss I’d ever experienced, making my head spin and my heart thud.
I wanted it to go on forever, wanted to get lost in it.
But as if suddenly realizing what he’d done, Marc released me and stumbled back.
He was breathing heavily, and his brown eyes were wide. He looked scared.
“Shit.” He ran his hand down his face. “Shit, Ara. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. What was I thinking?”
“It’s okay,” I said, still trying to catch my breath.
“It’s not. Do you know what will happen to you if anyone finds out about this?” He looked down even though we were alone. “They’ll send you away.”
I waved to the empty hall. “No one will find out.”
“It was still stupid.” He shook his head. “We can’t do this.”
Tears sprang to my eyes as what he was saying sank in, and I wanted to scream. Wanted to stomp my foot. They had already taken me from my life, were about to steal Trevor. They couldn’t have Marc too. It wasn’t fair.
“What do you mean?” I managed to get out.
“I mean, we can’t meet like this again,” he said, avoiding looking at me. “It’s stupid, Ara.”
Even though I’d only known him for a little over a week, the thought of having to go through this without him, of not having him to confide in, made me want to sob.
I needed the distraction, the outlet, but even more than that, I wanted him in my life.
I liked him. Felt a connection to him I’d never felt before.
“Marc, please,” I said, my voice trembling.
He lifted his hands and stepped back. “I can’t do this to you, Ara. I won’t. It’s too risky.”
Then he turned and hurried down the hall, leaving me alone.