Chapter 13
Cassie
I hate you. Rhea threw a pillow at Cassie’s head. They only ever had soft things in the Aviary. Soft foods, soft clothes, soft sounds. But the gesture stung all the same.
I’m sorry, Rhea. I tried to get you called in sick, but the Aviarist wouldn’t hear of it.
Prima Erum is an important client. She asked for you by name.
Cassie hid her arm behind her back, the one where the Aviarist had left fingerprints hard enough to bruise.
She wouldn’t make Rhea feel worse by letting her see.
You’re just as bad as him. You and Kestrel and Cardinal and all the other flock leaders. You bow at his feet. We are more than him. If we just fought back. Rhea threw her hands up in frustration. Why won’t you fight back, Cassie?
Because I know what happened to Canary, Robin, and Dove.
?rim had found out about the Aviary. That must have been what he and S’samph were talking about when she was playing with the younglings.
Probably also what had inspired him to find the picture of Rhea with some of the other younglings.
Cassie couldn’t blame him for being curious.
Now she was out in the real world, she realized just what a curiosity she was in the wider universe.
But the thought of people knowing about her past made her furious.
Not with him. Furious with herself. Furious with what had happened to her without her knowledge or consent.
Her nails dug deep grooves into her forearms as she tried to bring herself back from the faraway place. Everything was splotchy gray and red. It was hard to stop. Sometimes the bite of nails into skin was the only thing that helped her remember her heart was still beating.
Still in her pajamas, she laced up her boots and made her way out of the clinic and into the cool early morning air. She couldn’t stay in her room another moment without feeling like she wanted to peel her skin from her bones.
Cassie made her way down to the docks and was surprised to find someone sitting there with her feet in the water. Eleri. She was about to try and make a stealthy retreat when the older woman turned to acknowledge her.
“I can’t sleep either. Do you want to come join me?” Eleri patted the seat next to her on the edge of the dock. Cassie took a few reluctant steps toward her and then sat several paces away with her knees tucked to her chest.
“How can I help you today?” Cassie asked in a quiet voice. Eleri offered her a sad smile.
“Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you here? I know you must miss your friends. I can’t imagine how difficult it is without anyone else who’s fluent in your hand signs.”
Cassie shook her head. “Can I help you with something else?”
Eleri looked down at the lavender water in the canal and splashed her feet a few times. “I know you’ve been going down to training with S’samph and the others. Hopefully, he’s not giving you too hard a time. If he is, let me know, and I’ll tell him to back off.”
This made Cassie snort. S’samph gave everyone a hard time, even his mate. All the members of the patrol snickered about his demeanor behind his back, but it was all in good fun. He was a good mentor, and everyone respected his love for Eleri.
Eleri leaned back to stare up at the early morning sky.
“Can I tell you something? I think you might be able to relate.” She paused to brush her short bangs out of her face.
“I also had a hard time when I first came to Laurus. My family life wasn’t good where I grew up on Gaia.
My brother was… is an iridescence addict.
” She lifted her feet out of the canal and tapped her heels on a towel she pulled out from her bag.
“He was always violent and irrational when he went on a memory bender.”
The sun made it hard to see Eleri’s expression, but Cassie could hear the bitterness in her voice.
She didn’t need specifics to understand what Eleri’s brother had been like.
There were any number of clients who had acted the same.
She tried to think of a phrase to adequately express her feelings about Eleri’s situation.
“I don’t think I can help you with that. I sincerely apologize.” It wasn’t quite the right thing, but it was the best she had.
Eleri shaded her eyes from the sun before continuing.
“The latil’e here took me in and gave me a family I never knew I could have.
I guess what I’m trying to say is you don’t have to be alone.
If you want a sister or a friend or even just someone to listen, I can be here. Just let me know. Any time.”
Cassie stared at her boots. Part of her wanted to lift her sleeves to reveal the deep scratches.
A tiny part of her wanted to bare her soul to this kind person who had been nothing but generous and patient, but she couldn’t.
Wouldn’t. Cassie could take care of herself.
She had to take care of herself. How could Eleri understand?
How could she comprehend the all-encompassing nightmares?
How could she listen to Cassie explain how half the time she didn’t feel real?
How could she hear words Cassie could only form with her hands?
But she couldn’t communicate any of these things to Eleri, so instead she just tilted her head and said, “Thank you so much!”
Eleri gave her a sad half-smile as she rose from the dock, placing a hand on Cassie’s shoulder. “Any time. I mean it. I’m here for you.”
Before she left, she handed Cassie a tube of suncream. “It’s going to get hot soon. Don’t stay out in the sun for too long, ok?”
Cassie nodded as she accepted the gesture.
The tube of suncream felt strangely heavy in her hands.
No one had ever taken care of her before, not since she left the creche.
She had always been responsible for her flock.
They relied on her, and she couldn’t bend for a moment, or they wouldn’t be protected.
Sometimes she felt significantly older than her twenty-four standard years.
She’d had no choice. If she didn’t stay in line, everyone else would suffer.
Cassie stayed out on the dock until it got too hot in the direct sunlight.
After that, she retreated to the clinic.
Eleri and Aglao were already absorbed in their work, so they paid little attention to her as she came back in to get dressed for the day.
It would be another day of routine. Drills with S’samph and the team, and then a reading lesson with ?rim.
She found herself excited about the reading lessons in spite of herself.
Even if he half saw her as an experiment, he was the only one who had really made an effort to communicate with her in her own language so far.
He picked up some of her hand signs, including ones she didn’t teach him explicitly.
And she’d be lying if she said being around him didn’t make her feel strange.
The first time it happened, the first time her chest felt filled with bubbles, she thought she might be ill.
She’d been so worried she’d considered asking Eleri about it, but the sensation had vanished as soon as she left the schoolhouse.
That night, she’d had a dream about him.
He had touched her between her legs. She had wanted it.
The whole thing made her feel warm and flustered.
It had filled her with shame when she woke up slick between her thighs.
Wanting like that wasn’t allowed. After they’d been liberated, she learned the residents of the Aviary had all been on carefully regulated hormone cocktails to prevent sexual arousal.
But with everything filtering out of her system, she found herself thinking about ?rim in ways that would have required a complete realignment of her treatment protocol.
But it was normal, wasn’t it? People wanted.
Clients had wanted her. She’d just never had the feeling herself before.
Cassie found herself wandering through Laurus instead of circling up to the training ground for drills. Today wasn’t a day for running drills. She took a path she hadn’t walked before, down by the magtracks leading to Indras and across the canal.
There, she encountered a cluster of strange silver-feathered birds in an enclosure, preening their feathers next to a puddle of water.
They regarded her with hesitation at first, but when she stepped over the low fence and sat down beside them, she made it clear she wasn’t a threat.
They mostly ignored her. However, one of them, the smallest in the group, approached with keen curiosity in its luminous red eyes.
Cassie smiled as the creature hopped onto her knee.
She didn’t have to say anything as it roamed over her leg and jumped up onto her shoulder.
She’d never seen birds like this before; it occurred to her that she’d never seen any real-life birds.
They’d only ever learned about birds related to their names from some of the ancient viewholos they were allowed to watch.
A cassowary had long legs and feathers like her hair.
She took a long breath as she watched the birds wander around their enclosure.
The one on her shoulder kept trying to peck at her hair until she laughed and batted it away.
This was better than running laps around in the heat.
Although she enjoyed unspoken commiseration with Wreeta, who usually ran at the back of the pack with her, at least the birds wouldn’t expect her to talk back.
“She likes you.” A voice trilled behind her, and Cassie nearly jumped out of her boots.
Startled, the little bird on her shoulder fluttered down and waddled away.
“You can stay. I’m just surprised is all.
” The older giradey male held a basket filled with silvery feathers.
He crouched next to her at the edge of the enclosure.
Cassie turned away from him, hoping he wouldn’t start asking her questions.
“You must be Cassie, heard about you from one of my daughter’s fledglings.
Says, you sometimes go to the schoolhouse with them for lessons.
She said you don’t know how to talk, so I won’t bother you by asking.
” He held out a hand, and the smallest bird came waddling back toward them.
“This is Kalai.” He gestured to the bird.
“I don’t usually name the pichari, but she’s a feisty one.
Doesn’t like people much, but she seems taken with you. ”
She reached out a finger to pat the head of the bird who had hopped back onto her knee. Kalai performed a funny little bouncing dance, bopping her head in Cassie’s direction.
“Well, I’ll be. Never seen her do that with anyone.” The giradey made a whistling call. “Gotta get back to it. Stay as long as you like.”
So, Cassie stayed, watching Kalai and her flock until she heard heavy footsteps behind her.
“You should tell someone before you disappear, Cassie.” S’samph’s voice was low, and she could see his tail lashing from side to side.
“Eleri was worried when no one knew where you were.” He crouched down next to her.
The pichari seemed much less impressed with him than they were with her, as most of them scattered, but Kalai puffed up her feathers and squawked.
He wasn’t wrong in the sense that they had expected her to be somewhere, but there was also growing frustration that just because she couldn’t communicate, everyone treated her like a child.
She wasn’t part of Laurus’ security force.
Going to practice with them had been a suggestion, not a requirement.
Her special refugee status meant she didn’t need to work unless she wanted to.
But S’samph was still here, breathing down her neck with unnatural stoic silence, while Kalai made her annoyance clear.
He wasn’t going to go anyway until she gave him something of a response.
“Can I help you with something else?” Cassie asked. She didn’t look at him but instead held her hand out for Kalai. The pichari stopped squawking and moved forward to climb up Cassie’s arm, perching on her shoulder.
“You are an adult, but you have not lived in the real world for very long. There are things that might be dangerous. My Eleri wishes to be your friend or perhaps your new sister if you are willing. Please do not make her upset.” S’samph rose from his crouch.
“But if you find solace in spending time with the pichari, this is acceptable.”
Cassie tilted her head, not sure how to respond. She’d expected a scolding, like when she’d made a mistake in the Aviary, but he’d spoken to her like an adult.
“Thank you!” She finally settled on simple gratitude as a response, even though she wished she had more ability to adjust her tone. If S’samph had come to find her, it meant she was considerably late for her reading lesson.
“Are you going to the schoolhouse now?” S’samph asked.
Cassie nodded. “Go ahead then. I will let Eleri know you have been located.” S’samph stood up to his considerable height and made his way back to his levibike in the distance.
Once he was gone, Cassie said farewell to the pichari and hurried back toward the schoolhouse, hoping ?rim had waited for her. Even if he knew about what had happened to her, maybe that made things easier. Maybe she didn’t have to hide quite so much about herself, with him at least.