Chapter 27
?rim
?rim braced himself as he entered the clinic. He knew talking to Eleri would likely be contentious, but he needed to ask a human, and she was the only human available.
Eleri wasn’t visible in the main atrium when he entered. Instead, Aglao approached him. “Greetings, ?rim. Is all well? Do you require something for yourself or Cassie?”
“I was actually looking for Eleri, if she’s available. I have a rather strange question for her, and I couldn’t find any definitive answers on the intelewaves.”
“Eleri is with a patient. Someone is supposed to be with Cassie at all times. Is she supervised?”
The question made him tap the back of his neck with annoyance. He certainly wouldn’t leave Cassie unsupervised, but he recognized the healer wasn’t trying to question his competence. “She’s with K’kaen and the younglings.”
The doors to the atrium slid open as Eleri entered the room. She snapped off her exam gloves and tossed them into the waste atomizer. Her expression changed when she caught sight of ?rim.
“Is Cassie okay?”
“She’s fine. I think. I apologize for bothering you while you’re working. Only, I didn’t know who else to ask. I suspect a human interpretation is in order.”
“Well, better me than S’samph. Why do you only think she’s fine?” Eleri asked.
“She said something strange to me, and now she isn’t speaking to me anymore. I’m afraid I may have offended her.”
Eleri’s head tilted to the side. “What did she say?”
“She said she has feelings. I reassured her all sentient beings have feelings, but that was obviously the wrong interpretation. My queries on the intelewaves did not reveal any conclusive meaning.” He rubbed at his wrist node, hoping he hadn’t made an irrevocable mistake with Cassie.
Eleri froze. “Cassie has feelings. She used those exact words?”
“Yes, those were her words.” ?rim wasn’t sure why she needed to confirm his statement. Eleri let out a reserved laugh and then said something low under her breath.
Eventually, she tucked her hands into the pockets of her work uniform. “Cassie has romantic feelings for you. If you feel the same, you should tell her you have feelings too.”
“Feelings. Romantic feelings.” ?rim repeated the words, taking a long moment to process Eleri’s explanation. “I don’t understand why she would be upset. I share her romantic feelings. I only meant to inquire as she was unclear in her language. We don’t have things like this on Teos.”
“You don’t have romance on Teos?”
“No. Sexual and romantic relationships are superfluous.”
“Please tell me you didn’t say that to Cassie.” She pressed her fingers against the space between her eyebrows.
“I did not, but she may have overheard one of my ex-colleagues.”
“Stars and stones. What am I going to do with the two of you?” Eleri rubbed the space between her pale eyebrows. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you apologized. She obviously can’t be that upset if she told you she has feelings.”
“Of course, I apologized. I am willing to clarify that my feelings are atypical for a teosian.”
“You have to do more than clarify, ?rim. Cassie doesn’t know you have romantic feelings for her unless you tell her. She was probably embarrassed that you tried to explain what feelings are to her because she shared an intimate secret with you.”
“Oh. Oh, I see.” ?rim felt his own sense of embarrassment as he clicked his wrist nodes together. “Yes. I see how that was a miscalculation on my part. I should rectify the situation.” He started to worry Cassie had been suffering under the incorrect assumption that he found her unappealing.
“The two of you are a pair.”
“I don’t understand the idiom. A pair of what?”
Eleri shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. Just be direct with Cassie. She doesn’t know what you’re feeling unless you tell her.”
“I intend to do just that.”
“Before you go, I just wanted to ask how you’re doing with everything.” Eleri’s voice was soft, but ?rim wasn’t sure he entirely understood the subtext of her question.
“Can you clarify what you mean by ‘everything’?” ?rim rubbed at his wrist nodes. Eleri cared greatly for Cassie’s wellbeing, and the last thing he wanted to do was give her the impression he was doing a poor job of it.
“Caretaking is a lot of work, especially if it’s not your vocation.” Eleri ran a hand through her hair. “Do you need more help with Cassie’s care?”
The idea of someone else taking this responsibility away from him, the role of caring for his aoseria, filled his body with uncomfortable jolts of electricity.
But at the core of his being, he knew he carried doubts.
Aoseria. Where had that come from? He hadn’t even asked her.
She hadn’t even accepted his feelings yet.
Cassie was well some days, but other days he didn’t know.
Some days, he didn’t know how to help her.
No amount of research revealed a satisfactory answer.
Then he considered the question with more regard to his own status.
His reseeding sessions were short, perfunctory now, rather than truly restorative.
Even if Cassie was sleeping, he wanted to be available to her at any moment.
Most nights she woke up gasping. Even though having him beside her during the nightmares helped her settle more easily, her sleep was still interrupted.
His own projects lay untouched as he focused on learning more about her, about humans in general.
In dark moments, he worried he might be exchanging one obsession for another.
The last thing he wanted to do was frighten Cassie away with the depth of his fascination.
“Cassie is unwell but not only physically. I am struggling with how to help her. Are all humans like this?”
“No. We’re not. Cassie is… well, you know some of what Cassie experienced before she came here. Probably more than I do.” Eleri rubbed the back of her neck. “I can give you some resources on mental health in humans, but I think Cassie just needs time.”
“Time.” When teosians cracked, they were typically considered beyond saving. They were disgraceful. Families wanted to pretend they didn’t exist. He was grateful to learn humans didn’t have the same approach because he had no intention of giving up on Cassie. “Is there a specific amount of time?”
Eleri shook her head. “Everyone is different. Cassie’s already so much better than she was when she first got here. I'm using that as a benchmark. But I’m serious about the offer of help. Don’t burn yourself out.”
“Ah, we don’t burn exactly.” ?rim tapped his chest. “It’s more like an electrical current.
Thank you, Healer Eleri. I’d like to see those texts on human mental health, if it’s not too much trouble.
” He wasn’t sure they would reveal anything more than what he had discovered in his own research, but it was worth trying to get another perspective.
For now, his first priority was returning to Cassie to correct her misconceptions about his feelings.
As he rode back to Laurus’s residential neighborhood, ?rim mulled over his conversation with Eleri while simultaneously trying to choose the correct words to correct his carelessness with Cassie’s feelings.
A crackle of energy rose through his electrical core as he considered the possibility of misinterpretation.
If she hadn’t meant romantic feelings. Where would that leave him?
He acknowledged K’kaen at the door with a tap of his elbow nodes.
“I’m off then,” the latil’e’s frill rippled before heading for his own levibike. The lights were off when he entered, but several of the shades he usually kept lowered had been raised.
“Cassie?” ?rim found her nested in the center of their domicile, listening to something on her datapad. She startled when she realized he was beside her and removed her earphones. ?rim sat down on the ground next to her pillow nest. He reached for her nearest hand, and she allowed him to take it.
“?rim?” Her eyes were unfocused as she stared at him.
“I have feelings too, Cassie.”
She tilted her head. “All senshet beings have feelings, you said.”
“Sentient.” ?rim started to correct her but then realized he was missing the point again. “No, I mean, yes, that’s true, but I have feelings like you have feelings. Romantic feelings. Eleri said you meant romantic feelings. Is that true?”
Cassie’s mouth formed a tight ‘o’, and then finally she nodded. “Yes.”
“I’m honored.” He reached for her, unsure what he intended but knowing he wanted to feel the soft press of her skin against his hands.
His fingers cupped her chin. “You honor me with your feelings, Cassie. I don’t know if I deserve them, but I will give you everything I have.
” He paused, trying to figure out the best way to explain his gaps in knowledge.
“Teosians mostly abandoned romantic relationships many generations ago, so I will need patience while I learn the expectations.”
“I don’t know anything either.” Cassie reached to reciprocate the gesture, her hands exploring his face as he did hers.
He didn’t understand why Teosians had given up on romantic partnerships if this was what it felt like.
True, they were distracting, messy, and complicated, and unaligned with the purposes of the Empire.
But he suspected the last reason was the real motivator.
Sitting here with Cassie, with her warm hands on his face, he realized losing his merit status and being forced to leave Teos no longer mattered for his future.