Chapter 34 #2
“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let you go out and face whatever it is you’re going to face without me.
I’ve protected you all your life, and it doesn’t matter if I can’t protect you from what’s ahead.
Even before your Transference, I wouldn’t have been able to, but what kind of…
” She looks at me, her blue eyes shining with tears.
The colour is haloed with fear. It’s so unusual for her to show her emotions like this.
She’s been a steadfast and level-headed guide my entire life.
I wait to see if she’ll say the word she stopped herself from uttering.
I would have happily heard her call herself my mother.
She is the only one I’ve ever known. She’s the only family I’ve ever known, and while I will grieve the loss of my parents, I didn’t know them, and I cannot change any of our pasts.
I can change the course of the future before us.
“I couldn’t watch you go alone. I won’t let you be alone this time. No matter what, I love you.”
“Thank you,” I force the words from my lips and try to clear my throat.
“Are we going? Because I won’t wait all day,” Kalan grumbles to us, and I nudge my heels into Nettle, setting off on the same journey we completed several months ago. All over again.
I smile at Kalan’s cantankerous voice and look at Lyle, who’s already set forward to follow.
Here we go.
Nettle is calm and seemingly like a different horse on this journey. He’s patient and well-behaved, and I don’t feel like I’ll be thrown from my seat any minute. I offer him firm strokes and whispers of encouragement at every opportunity.
The path isn’t the same as the one Lyle and I took, but I trust Kalan’s plan.
As the day draws on, I move Nettle from my position flanked by Ten and Lyle to ride next to my third protector.
We’ve slowed to a walk through a dense wooded area.
“I saw you,” I start, and Kalan looks at me, his permanent scowl not shifting on his rugged face.
“In a memory. You were riding away from The Court. It was after a battle; the fire was still climbing the walls, and people were dead all around. You came riding out of the mist and smoke, straight past me.”
“Hmm,” he grunts.
“I didn’t know what it was then. But I think that was the battle they started. The one that claimed their lives.” I wait, hoping he’ll show mercy and fill in the blanks, but I keep my expectations simmering. I’ve been burned before.
“It was a day or two after the main fighting finished. Your parents didn’t want the bloodshed that had occurred.
Your mother, at least, hoped that they could convince the Orders that she and Elex shouldn’t be kept apart and that the Chamber members alone shouldn’t have the power or control over what our people did.
They loved each other and wanted to fight for a better world for the people they loved. ”
This isn’t any different to what I’ve heard before, but somehow, it still hurts all the same. The words seem to crack a part of my heart, deep inside my chest. How can their love have started all of this?
“Fenix wasn’t lying when he said he’s fighting for what your parents started.
It’s true, at its core. It might have become a little distorted and enflamed along the way.
Still, Fenix believes he’s fulfilling what your parents wanted to achieve.
That’s his weakness and his strength. Elex wanted to change the order of power.
His initial plan morphed and grew beyond the simplicity of your mother’s ideas and love. ”
Nettle continues to plod on through the trees, the beats of hooves behind us our accompanying tune, as I let Kalan’s words sink in.
“How did Micah’s parents die? Is it true what he said? Were they killed by mine?”
“Hmmm.” He doesn’t answer right away. “Power is a dangerous thing. Most people crave it, covet it, and its lure can blind those who don’t have it.
Micah was na?ve, and he saw you and everything you are, someone with power, as the enemy.
His parents did die. But they weren’t murdered by Elex or Aerith.
They died in the Battle of Decree. That is true, as did many others. ”
“Who killed my parents?”
Kalan looks right at me as if startled by my question and shakes his head. “I don’t know. Not for certain.”
Fenix knew they were dead. Did he know this as well? Another puzzle piece of my history I’d have to beg and plead for? I didn’t want to have to ask him for anything more than absolutely necessary.
Unsurprisingly, Kalan sets a fast pace at every opportunity, and we all keep up. Just about. Until the light fades and we have no other choice but to rest.
Just like our journey to Kirrasia, Kalan chooses a spot, deeming it safe and covered. The stream isn’t far, and he sets about leading the horses to water.
“Calix?” I call to him before he can follow Kalan, and he shifts his feet before he turns to wait as I catch him up. “I never got the opportunity to say thank you. For standing up for me. For fighting for me. I can’t thank you enough.” The words dry up and crack as the next ones choke in my throat.
“It’s okay, Ever. I’d do it again.” He shrugs, but the humour and confidence that were inherent in Calix are dulled.
“I just… I need you to know that it meant everything that you’d risk that for me. And that I’m so sorry.” I reach for his hand and squeeze it. His eyes flicker, and he turns away, looking off into the gloom. I follow his gaze and see Kyra pulling bags from her horse.
He clamps his other hand around mine, steps forward, and plants a kiss on the top of my head before walking off without another word.
I let out a deep sigh and deflate.
“What was that about?” Ten asks.
“I needed Calix to know how sorry I am. And to thank him.”
“And he kissed you?” He pushes my hair behind my ear, and I see the possessiveness brimming in his gaze.
“I choose to see it that he might not hate me for all of the pain I’ve caused him.” I reach for Ten’s face and cradle it in the palm of my hand, eager to touch him now that I can.
“You can’t take all the responsibility, Ever. What Fenix did isn’t your fault.”
“I know. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, though. Come on.”
We all settle in our rudimentary camp, no fire tonight. Apparently, we have to make do without the heat.
But before we contemplate sleep, I want to make sure everyone who is risking their lives for this knows everything that I do.
“Thank you. All of you. I know we’ve been over this, and that we all have tasks when we cross the border.
However, for those tasks to be a success, we all need to know everything.
I won’t keep secrets, and I owe you all so much.
” I look around and try to catch everyone’s eyes through the dark.
“Who else knows about the battle?” I ask, my focus on Lyle and Kalan.
“Technically, anyone who was there, anyone who was older than a child at the time. But the Orders chose to cover it all up. They’ve lied and manipulated and let people forget. Pretending like it didn’t happen so as not to tempt the Goddess into allowing it to happen again.”
“By bestowing the power of a Fifth?” I check.
“Yes. A Fifth is rare. The Orders bet on there not being another granted by Aslendrix for many years, and that gamble paid off.”
“How do you know all of this if you’ve been gone since then?” Kyra asks Kalan.
“I might be gone, but I’ve been paying attention. More than most.” His eyes rise to me, and I think over what he shared about keeping his vigil.
“And the Orders are just happy to sit in their Tower and ignore what is going on around them? I don’t understand.
” Lyle’s voice rises now. “We were always taught that the threats to our way of life came from Sunatora and Nehandun. That their rulers wanted to take our power for themselves. When all along it’s been the Orders wanting to keep our magic and dictate to us? ”
“That might be an oversimplified version, but yes. They have been happy to play up the threats from others and assume they would never have to deal with a Fifth uprising again,” Kalan clarifies.
“But we’re going to fight for the Orders, for Kirrasia? We’re going to warn them about Fenix and the Usher?” Kyra questions, and I can see why she’s knitted her brow in confusion. The sides of this fight aren’t clear.
“If I hadn’t seen the true intention of the Usher, I might agree that we’re on the wrong side, and we should be fighting with Fenix.
And, when all this settles, maybe there’s another fight to be had, but I know what I saw and what I felt.
The Usher doesn’t want to right the imbalance of power.
He wants to take ultimate control over everyone.
Everything. He wants Aslendrix and Novandia to bow to him.
And he will spill blood and enslave whoever he needs to achieve this.
And no matter what is wrong or right in Kirrasia, whatever has gone before, I know that he can’t be allowed to succeed. ”
“Yes. But we don’t know who will fight on which side. And we still don’t know how big Fenix’s army actually is,” Kyra continues.
“The Warriors will defend Kirrasia. That’s what we are born to do.” Calix’s words are sure and steadfast.
“And what about the Elementals and Naturals? Those who have been sent to Estereah or Sunatora and Nehandun to keep the peace?” Kyra questions.
“We don’t have their allegiance. We don’t have time to call the Warriors back.
Are they training in Torizan or stationed in camps?
” Kyra’s questions start to gather pace, and the enormity of what we’re going to do begins to stare me in the face.
“We have to try, Kyra.” I turn to my friend. “War is coming. And if I can help, I will. But my decision is mine alone. You’ve all come this far, but no one is forcing you onward. And I’ll face Fenix and the Usher alone if I have to.”
“You are not alone, Ever. Don’t you realise that, yet?” Ten winds his fingers through mine.
“Thank you.” I push the words as hard as I can inside my head, willing them to reach Ten with everything I have, but there’s no reaction or flash of acknowledgement from him.
Maybe there never will be again.
“Thank you.”
The camp quietens. There’s a lot to think about, and we all set about turning in for the night.
Despite being sore from riding, weary from travel, and lying with Ten’s arms around me, sleep is still an elusive friend.
My mind will not rest, pulling at all the questions and problems presented by our campfire talk.
Ten will put himself between me and danger, whatever the cost. I know that.
I’ve lived it and seen it, and I love him for it.
But the growing fear on the horizon, of whether my power will return, and even then, what it can do, all threaten the world where a girl and a boy can enjoy just being themselves.
No complications.
No threats.
It makes me long for what might happen beyond this fight.
If we can stop the Usher and Fenix, if we can save Aslendrix and her magic, could we leave Kirrasia to pick up their own pieces of a potentially corrupt way of life? But then what? Will Ten want to stay? Will they allow me, a Fifth, to stay?
Will we finally be able to be just us?
I snuggle in closer to his warmth and try to forget those questions.