12|A Gap Between Us
I sat on the far end of the couch with my arms crossed and body angled away from Nate.
We had a fight...AGAIN.
He wanted us to come to the marriage therapist in the same car, and I simply asked him if he could remove Eden's car seat just for the day.
Of course he made a big deal out of it.
On the other end of the couch, he mirrored me.
The therapist sat across from us, her legs crossed with a notepad on her knee as she observed us like a hawk.
It's been ten minutes now and no one has said anything.
What a waste of my time.
If it weren't for him, I could've been in court, helping so much minorities stay out of jail.
The therapist, Dr. Elise Hartman, finally cleared her throat. "So...what brought you two here today?"
I crossed my arms as I turned my attention to her beige rug.
When he didn't reply, I answered.
"He made the appointment. Ask him," I drily replied.
He let out a loud groan. "Oh come on, are you really going to act like this?"
I quickly snapped head to him. "Did you really have to yell at me this morning?"
He looked at me with a glare. "This that because you keep doing and saying things that need to be yelled at."
"It was a damn car seat for a dead baby who never even used it!" I angrily.
"You know what your problem is Naomi," he started, ready to tear me down just like how he did in court. "You never care about anything. You're just a broke sole-"
"Stop it!" Dr. Hartman finally yelled. "I don't want to hear anymore arguments in this room."
I scoffed before turning away from him again. "Good luck with that. He lives off of arguments."
"And what?" He snapped. "You don't?"
"The both of you stop," Dr. Hartman repeated. "I didn't force you both to come here, so I expect full cooperation."
I grabbed my bag before standing up. "You're right, I don't need to be here."
I thought I could do this, but I can't.
It hurts, and I know it's only going to get worse in these sessions as she dissects our marriage.
A divorce is simpler...less pain.
As I began to walk out, his hand grabbed my wrist, not roughly.
His eyes stayed fixed on the floor and his jaw stayed clenched.
"Stay," he said lowly. "Please."
My body froze.
Please.
Haven't heard him say that in a long time.
I stared at his hand around mine.
For the first time in a very long time, it felt like he actually gave a shit about me...like he meant the words he was saying.
I pulled away my hand from him before silently going back to where I was sitting, but Dr. Hartman stopped me.
"Wait," she said and I glanced at her. "Sit next to him."
I glanced at her before glancing at him. "Are you sure about that?"
"One hundred percent," she replied before motioning for me to go sit next to Nate.
I silently sighed before going next to him...not close to him.
I left a gap between us, but at least we were on the same cushion now.
And somehow, that felt more intimate than I was ready for.
Neither of us looked at each other.
Just forward, like kids in trouble waiting for the teacher to scold them.
Dr. Hartman stared at that gap I left before writing something down.
"So I'm guessing you two don't sleep in the same room, neither do you engage in sexual activities with each other."
I swallowed hard.
I felt Nate shift beside me, just slightly.
I hated that it was true.
I hated even more that it was said out loud.
"We don't," I simply answered.
She nodded. "Well, let's change that. As soon as you both get home, I want you to move into the same bedroom and sexual intimacy should begin."
I scoffed. "I'm not having sex with him."
He looked at me. "And I'm not having sex with you."
"That's okay," Dr. Hartman said. "We'll get to that eventually. Let's start with the small stuff. How about holding hands?"
My head whipped toward her like I misheard.
"You're kidding," I said flatly.
She gave me a small smile. "No, I'm serious."
I glanced at Nate.
He didn't move, he didn't even blink.
I could feel the awkward tension crawling over my skin and we haven't even touched as yet.
Dr. Hartman didn't pressure us.
Instead, she leaned back into her chair and gave us space.
My hand was resting on my thigh, fingers slightly inward like I had to protect them.
Gosh, I can't even hold my own husband's hand.
I suddenly felt a shift beside me before his hand brushed against mine.
I didn't look at him. I couldn't.
But I didn't move either.
I slowly turned my hand over and let our fingers meet.
Not laced.
Not gripped.
Just...touching.
It's a start, okay? Don't judge.
His hand felt warm.
Mine was trembling.
However, none of this fixed anything.
I still hate him.
But it did bring back memories.
Nate and I silently sat in the library together.
I was trying to focus on memorizing the elements of negligence.
My Contracts final was less than a week away, and my brain felt like a sponge already soaked.
Still, I couldn't seem to focus because Nate was sitting beside me, texting away.
And I know it was to a girl.
A girl in his year.
Lisa Palmer.
I overheard her talking about him to her friends as I passed them in the hallway yesterday.
And honestly, it was driving me insane.
"If you don't need my help anymore, I'll be on my way," he coldly said as he packed his things.
He was mad at me.
He asked me to be his girlfriend three days ago...and I said no.
I was scared.
I wasn't prepared for a serious relationship.
Nate has everything all put together and I'm well...me.
I was scared he won't have the same feelings for me when he actually gets to know the real me.
When he finds out that I have no clue how to love.
But as he shoved his notebook into his backpack, something twisted in my stomach.
This was probably our last tutoring session.
Finals were next week and he was graduating.
"Wait," I quietly said and he paused.
My trembling hand reached across the table and laid itself, palm up, in the open space between us.
It was stupid.
Immature.
Not even words.
But it was something, okay?
I'm not good with words.
Probably not a good feature for a lawyer, but here I am.
He stared at it.
At me.
And then, without a word, he slid his hand into mine.
So warm in this cold library.
This was the first time Nate ever held my hand, and I didn't feel scared anymore.
...
A small smile tugged at my lips as I remembered that.
I looked down at our touching hands and mine were no longer trembling.
Dr. Hartman smiled. "See, that wasn't so bad after all?"
Nate suddenly pulled away his hand. "I think we can call it a day now."