21. 19.
19.
Callie
My legs are still sore from having Sebastian between them as I watch him dating other women. That keeps happening.
At some point, my mind turns itself off. I float outside of myself, and I just go about doing my job. Mechanically.
I’m not sure if I’m doing it well, but I can’t stop. If I stop, I fall.
Sebastian is having a date with his winner. No one knows she’s the winner yet, but I do. Vera is the fan favorite, and she once was mine too.
Now I hate it when she gets to sit beside him on the beautiful bench overlooking the luxurious swimming pool. I hate that she’s an absolute vision in pink and that the strawberry she popped into her mouth, I was the one who got to the table.
I feel dirty as I listen to their easy conversation. They get along great and even though Sebastian looked like he was close to losing it this morning, his facade is back in place.
He has media training, after all.
Everyone is trying to make them kiss. I know that much. I recognize the angles, the low lighting, the fact we have a reduced crew so they can feel alone.
But I’m here. I’m supposed to start with interviews with Maya and Abby in thirty minutes, but until then, I’m watching this.
I know this is self-harm. Not only I let my guard down before but now I'm staying here and punishing myself.
I forgot it's not just about this job. It’s about any job after this. It’s how the public will react to the news. It’s how my face will be everywhere and what rumors will reach my parents and my brothers.
“What would you do for love?”
The question comes through my earpiece since we are at a respectable distance from the couple.
Sebastian’s raspy chuckle burns my insides. “A loaded question.”
“You know I like to shoot straight. We are always talking about love…” she let the end of the sentence linger.
“You mean a big gesture?”
I almost groan. I love his accent. At times, it’s so thick, so delicious I have to hold myself not to tremble.
“I guess I just want to know how fiercely you can love.”
And then I feel his eyes on me. Even far away, even if during this whole date he didn’t dare glance my way. He does now. His blue eyes pin me in place, and the hair on the back of my neck stands at attention. I swallow dry.
His voice fills all the gaps of my being. Suddenly, it’s like he’s there with me. His body over mine, his voice in the shallow of my ear. His hands on me, his promises making me believe.
“I love fiercely.” A pause. “I’ll never give up on love.”
Love.
I feel like he spelled out the word to me. And I can’t anymore. I take the earpiece off, turn on my heels and leave. I don’t bother to tell anyone. I can’t torture myself anymore.
Inside the mansion, I’m out of myself. I can’t find a place to be alone, and I’m going to cry at any moment. I check my watch. I only have ten minutes until Maya’s interview.
Cursing under my breath, I arrive in the kitchen and put my hands over the cold marble counter, breathing deep to hold the tears back.
It’s done. I tell myself over and over again. We were finished back there in that room.
When I open my eyes, I’m still shaking. I’m still in the mansion and nothing will ever change. I blink the tears away, refusing to have a meltdown on set.
A glass of water comes into my field of vision. I blink and look up at the person who got it for me.
Anya.
She nods toward the glass. I take a sip quickly as she watches. My breathing slows and I hold her gaze, her presence keeping me grounded.
After a full minute of silence, she starts. “It’s for the best.”
“I know.”
“Vanessa and the showrunner? She’s risking a lot,” she says with a frown. “It’s never them. It’s always on us if something goes wrong.”
“I know.” I nod. “I know no one would ever forgive me. The network. The fans.”
“We are all humans. Don’t you think I don’t know that. But in this industry, we need to have thick skin. You have a bright future ahead of you and I will fight for it even when you don’t want me to.”
I’m holding back tears again. “Thank you. I know you’re trying to protect me.”
“I’m not trying. I’m doing it. You deserve to be on top. And you’ll get there.”
There’s a fire in her, and I believe it. She wants me to get there; she wants to protect my career above all else and I can only be so grateful.
“You’ll go home now,” she says next.
“What?”
Anya is firm. “You can’t handle this, Callie. It’s not even fair for me to ask you to do such a thing. I couldn’t ask you to leave today because I didn’t want anyone to think you did something wrong. Tomorrow, I will tell them you had a family emergency and you’re out for the rest of the shooting.”
I’m shaking my head already. “Anya, I can’t--”
“Callie, I’m being rational when I tell you to keep away from him. But I can’t make a robot out of you. Go home. Be with your family and come back next season.”
I can’t argue with her. It’s torture. Every second away from him, every shot of him with the girls, is an arrow through my heart. This mansion. His smile. His voice through my earpiece.
I nod, agreeing.
I move on my feet, knowing that as soon as I get away from here, the best my chances are not to make a scene. I trail for the front entrance and Anya comes with me, her eyes showing something soft I’m not used to seeing from her.
“I’m sorry love hurts so bad.”
The words fail me. So, I simply nod and leave The Final Rose .