Chapter Nineteen
Nineteen
Abby
I can’t believe I’m saying this—but I think I miss Jack.
He left two days ago for their sixth game of the first round of playoffs, flying off to Dallas with the hope that this will be their fourth win and they’ll advance to the second round.
I could tell how nervous he was before he left; he’s made a habit lately of hiding his anxiety behind kisses and touches.
Not that I’m necessarily complaining, but still, I can’t help that he’s on my mind today.
“Do you want some tea?” Christine asks, breaking me from my musings.
My head whips up to look at her; I remember that I’m not in a place to daydream about my sometimes bed buddy.
“That would be great,” I tell her, tucking my legs underneath me on her couch.
I watch as she shuffles into her kitchen, relaxing in a way that I rarely can. It’s a bit wild to me that I could find that sort of comfort here in her house—but I couldn’t be more grateful for the friendship I’ve forged with Christine. Her generous spirit is something I am constantly thankful for.
She comes back into the room with two teacups in her hands, setting one on the coffee table in front of me before she settles on the other side of the couch.
“So how are your classes going?”
I shrug one shoulder, reaching for my cup. “They’re going okay. I’m ready to graduate, if I’m being honest.”
“I don’t blame you,” she says. “It’ll be worth it in the end though.”
“Here’s hoping,” I murmur, taking a sip of my tea.
She reaches to pat my knee. “So fill me in on the last few weeks. I haven’t seen you in a little while.”
“I know,” I tell her. “It’s been sort of busy.”
I have to will myself not to blush when I think about how busy it’s actually been—something that has a lot less to do with school and a lot more to do with the man I’m currently sharing a roof with.
“I can imagine,” Christine says. “And your apartment? Have you heard anything?”
“Another few weeks at best,” I tell her. “A month at worst.”
“And is living with Jack still going okay?”
Now I really have to force myself not to blush. It’s not as if I can tell her that I’ve been fooling around with him; I doubt that’s something she wants to hear about, anyway. But I can’t pretend that it wouldn’t be nice to talk about it with someone.
“It’s been…interesting,” I say.
“Interesting,” she chuckles. “I’ll bet.”
I squirm a bit on the couch, wrestling with the weight of everything Jack and I have been doing together. I know Christine would never tell a soul if I decided to tell her about it, but would that somehow be unfair to Jack? We’d said we wanted to keep it just between us for now, after all.
“You look like you’re thinking really hard,” Christine points out. “What’s on your mind?”
I purse my lips. “I just…” I let out a sigh. “Have you ever been really sure about something—to the point where you were positive how you felt about it—but then something happens that makes you rethink everything you’ve ever thought about it?”
Christine laughs softly, nodding into her teacup as she takes a sip. “You could say that.”
I feel myself wincing. Of course she’s felt that way. I mean, how blindsided must she have been when she found out everything she thought she knew about her husband was a lie?
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I wasn’t thinking.”
Christine shakes her head. “Don’t apologize. I wasn’t even thinking of your father, truth be told.”
“Oh…Good.”
“Were you talking about your father?”
I shake my head. “No…I mean, it could definitely apply to him, sure, but that’s not what I was talking about.”
“Is there something you want to talk to me about?”
“It’s complicated,” I tell her. “I’m not really even supposed to be talking about it.”
“Hmm.” She looks thoughtful, considering that. “I suppose the short answer is, yes, I have definitely felt that way.”
“And the long answer?”
“The long answer is that life is constantly full of surprises,” she says.
“No matter how old I get, I’m constantly learning that nothing is what I think it is.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned to keep an open mind about everything, because there’s always the chance that I’m too in my own way to see how something really is. ”
I mull that thought over. It definitely hits home with the way I used to think of Jack as someone flighty and not genuine, only to find out that he’s the exact opposite of that underneath all the bravado.
It’s been one of the biggest mindfucks of my entire life, finding out that Jack was nothing like what I thought he was.
“It’s exactly like that,” I answer finally. “I’m just…really confused.”
Christine gives me a little smile as she reaches to set her cup on the coffee table, bringing her hands back to her lap to lace her fingers together. “And this thing you’re talking about…It’s taken you off guard?”
“You can say that again,” I snort. “I never expected to think differently about this.” My brows furrow. “Sorry, I know this isn’t making any sense.”
“It’s making more sense than you think,” she says with that same small smile. “So, are you afraid of how you feel about this thing now?”
“Terrified,” I tell her honestly.
“I see,” she says cryptically. And then, “So how long has this been going on between you and Jack?”
I blanch. “What?”
“Honey,” she chuckles. “I’m old, not blind. It’s not that hard to put the pieces together.”
Part of me feels mortified that she knows, but another part feels incredibly relieved that someone knows.
I blow out a breath. “It’s been a few weeks now.”
“And you’re worried?”
“I mean…shouldn’t I be? He’s always been so…” I smirk. “Well, you know him.”
“I do know him,” she says. “I have for a very long time. I know how he acts for the most part, but I also know there’s more to him than that. I told you as much the last time you were here.”
“You did,” I answer, remembering.
“I know Jack can be a handful, but I really think it’s more of an act than he lets on. He was always a sweet, dependable boy underneath all the silliness.”
“You think?”
“I know,” she assures me. “He was always the first one to step up when you needed him, and as far as I can tell, he’s much the same as an adult.”
I consider that. She’s not…wrong. Whether it be for his team or his sister, Jack is always happy to step up when he’s needed. Even before I really knew him, I knew that much. I guess I just never let myself fully appreciate it.
“I used to think he was like Dad,” I tell Christine quietly. “I think that’s what scares me the most. Worrying that I might have been right.”
“Jack is nothing like your father,” she says vehemently.
“I know that he can seem a little fair-weather at times, but your father…” She frowns.
“There was always a hardness to him. Even when we first met. I used to think I softened his edges a little, but now I find myself wondering if that’s even true.
Jack has never been like that. Not since I’ve known him. ”
“But I mean, he could have anyone,” I argue.
Christine arches a brow. “And so could you.”
“Sure,” I scoff. “Just as soon as we get past all the childhood trauma and the emotional unavailability.”
“You’re more than those things,” she says. “You’re hardworking and thoughtful and kind. Anyone with eyes can see that.”
My lips turn down in a frown. “I just…worry that he’s going to realize I’m not enough for him.”
“Is this thing between you…serious?”
“No,” I say immediately, probably with too much emphasis. “No. It’s nothing like that. We’re just…having a good time.”
Even as I say it, the words feel weird on my tongue.
Almost like I’m making excuses for myself.
Sure, I can call him a sometimes bed buddy and tell myself we’re just having fun, but that doesn’t explain away how much I’ve missed him since he left.
How much he seems to dominate my thoughts lately.
No, I worry that things between Jack and me might be a lot more than just having a good time—but I’m afraid that I’m the only one who feels that way.
“Does Ian know?”
I snort. “No. Probably best that he never finds out. He’d lose it.”
“I think your brother might surprise you,” Christine says with a smile.
“That’s not what this is, anyway,” I mumble feebly, not really feeling like the words ring true.
And that’s the problem, I think. That even though I was the one who insisted this thing between Jack and me is nothing more than a casual fling—there is still a part of me that wonders what it might be like if it were something more.
I can’t pretend that the idea of him with another woman doesn’t make me wither with jealousy, just like I can’t pretend that I don’t wish he were home right now so I could let him touch me until these murky feelings don’t feel so heavy.
“Well, regardless,” Christine continues, “you can’t let the bad things in your life rob you of the good. Just because things have gone wrong in the past, doesn’t mean they’re destined to always go wrong in your future.”
“It’s really not like that,” I protest, the words sounding flimsy, even to me.
Christine just gives me a knowing smile. “Whatever you say, dear.”
“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
She gives me a look. “You should know better.”
“Right, right, I’m sorry. It’s just been…a confusing few weeks.”
“I can imagine. I know you and Jack didn’t really get along in the past.”
“I think that was more my fault,” I tell her honestly. “I was so sure that he was just some sillier version of my dad, that getting closer to him would leave me hurt. I don’t think he would do it on purpose, especially now, but I just…”
“It’s hard to let those notions go when you’ve held on to them this long,” she finishes knowingly.
“Exactly.”
“Well, I know there’s nothing I can really do to ease your fears,” she says, “but I can tell you that I don’t think Jack is the type to hurt someone on purpose.”
“I know,” I answer with a sigh. “I know you’re right.”
And I do, I realize. I believe that he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. But I know that hurting me by accident would be just as bad. I’ve experienced enough hurt from the people who are supposed to care about me to know I can’t stomach going through it again.
“Maybe you shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself,” Christine suggests.
“What do you mean?”
“You said it’s only been a few weeks, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, you don’t have to figure everything out right away. If you’re ‘having a good time,’ as you put it, then allow yourself to do that. Not everything has to be figured out all at once. You can take your time, you know? See where it goes.”
And maybe that’s the idea that scares me, the not knowing of it all.
I’ve had so much uncertainty in my life that entertaining any more is mildly terrifying—but maybe it isn’t fair of me to be trying to label this thing after so short of a time.
Maybe I should be doing exactly what I told Christine we were doing and actually have a good time.
“You’re right,” I say again. “There’s plenty of time to figure things out.”
She pats my knee. “Plenty of time. Now drink your tea and tell me how on earth this started.”
I can’t help but smile. There’s no way I can tell her everything, but I wasn’t lying when I said it would be nice to talk to someone about this. Talking about it almost makes me miss Jack a little less.
Almost.
It’s late when I finally get back to the apartment.
Christine and I ended up chatting for another hour after I confessed about Jack and me, and I have to admit, I feel a little better talking it all out with her.
It helps that she saw Jack grow up, that she knows more about him than I possibly could at this point, and she did a good job at soothing some of my worries about this thing we’re doing.
I mean, I’ve been able to see myself that Jack isn’t what I thought he was, but it helps to have those suspicions confirmed by someone I trust.
I feel a little silly when I raid his closet for one of his T-shirts after I’ve changed into my pajama bottoms before settling into my bed—but I figure he won’t mind.
The shirt is an old Druids tee that looks well-worn and smells like him, and just feeling it against my skin makes me miss him both more and a little less, almost like he’s here in bed with me.
Once I’m tucked in, I note that the game should have ended some time ago, and I quickly google the results, beaming to myself when I see that Jack’s team won.
I know how important this was to him, and knowing that they pulled it off—regardless of how ignorant I am of the game—makes me happier than I thought it would.
I pull up our text thread immediately.
Me: I saw you won. Congrats!
It takes Jack a few minutes to reply, but his answer comes through while I’m poring over my textbook. I frown when I notice that at some point, he definitely got into my phone and changed his contact information.
Lover: Thank you. It was a tough one.
Me: I see you’ve been messing with my phone.
Lover: lol finally caught that did you
Lover: I thought you might miss me when I was gone
I bite at my lower lip, wondering if it’s something I want to confess. That I am missing him. Feeling emboldened by my conversation with Christine, I decide that yes, it definitely is.
Me: maybe I have
Lover: Oh? How much?
Me: Don’t push your luck
Lover: but I love pushing my luck
Me: I missed you a normal amount
Lover: Wow you’re smothering me
Me: I hate you
Lover: liar. You missssss me.
Me: Less now
Lover: Maybe I miss you too
I can’t help the smile that touches my lips, feeling butterflies set off in my stomach.
Me: How much
Lover: Enough that I came back to the room while all the guys went out to talk to you
My heart rate quickens, because did he really? I can’t say why the idea of that has me so giddy.
Me: Wow now you’re smothering ME
Lover: I wish I were smothering you
Lover: in a sexy way
Me: yeah super turned on by the idea of you asphyxiating me
Except…I sort of am. Imagining his hands on my throat, not enough to bruise but enough to feel it—it has me pressing my thighs together a little.
Lover: I could make it work
Lover: what are you wearing
Me: you’re seriously asking me that?
Lover: I’m alone in a hotel room and I haven’t touched you in two days. Of course I am.
I roll my eyes even as my grin widens, because it’s such a Jack thing to say. Still, I can’t pretend that I’m not a little turned on by the idea of him alone in his hotel room, desperate for me. In fact, I like that idea a lot.
Maybe that’s what makes me bold.
Me: Facetime me and find out
My heart is pounding in my chest now, so hard I can feel it thumping in my neck and hear it pulsing in my ears. I don’t know what will come of this, but I know it’s something I’ve never done before. Then again, I’ve never felt this turned on by someone I can’t even see at the moment.
By the time the video call comes through, I’m a mess of hormones and nerves.
Somehow, that only makes me more excited when I swipe to answer it.