Chapter 29
‘You did absolutely the right thing,’ Elsa replied, leaning into the screen for extra effect.
The only effect though was that Beth had a close-up of her right nostril and part of her right cheek.
‘He can’t expect you to just open your arms and say, “Oh, you love me? Well, that makes everything all right doesn’t it? ”’
‘But—’ Daisy added, her calm tone more evident than it was the last time they’d spoken. ‘Love is about forgiveness and admitting and apologising for mistakes.’
‘Daisy, don’t tell me that!’ Beth cried, then screamed into a cushion, which made Polo who’d cuddled into a ball on her lap, look up. ‘What am I going to do? Have I done the wrong thing? It’s just … no one’s ever got me like he has.’
‘What do you mean?’
Beth stared at their expectant faces and took a deep breath.
It was time for the conversation she’d been putting off, not wanting them to feel guilty or worry about her even more.
She should have told them about her decision not to have children long ago, but now it was time.
She raised her eyes to the beautiful wooden beams above her head, in her beautiful apartment, now complete with bookshelves rammed with books and pictures of her friends.
‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for a while but … but I just couldn’t ever find the right time and then things changed and now—’
‘Bethy,’ Elsa said kindly. ‘Slow down. What is it you need to tell us?’
She took another deep breath, ready for their questions.
They’d wanted a family for so long she wasn’t sure they’d understand her decision, but the time had come and as their friendship had weathered so many changes over the years, she hoped it would cope with this one.
‘So … I’ve kind of decided that I don’t want kids. ’
‘Right.’ Elsa stretched out the word so it sounded like a question.
‘Okay,’ Daisy added, waiting for more.
Beth’s chest tightened at the anticipation coming through the screen, seeping into the room.
‘I just … I just don’t see them in my future.
I see your kids in my future,’ she added quickly.
‘I can’t wait to be a godmother and to hold your little baby in my arms and play games with them and hear them giggle.
But you know I have PCOS, so the chances of my conceiving are pretty low and I’ve kind of come to realise that …
I don’t think I want my own kids anyway.
I just don’t see my life panning out that way.
I want to live here and I probably want to travel a bit too and I want to do things and that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married, I just don’t feel maternal.
Like—’ She’d started now and as the words tumbled out, she couldn’t seem to stop.
‘Like you always wanted kids at some point, yes?’ Daisy and Elsa nodded.
‘And that feeling grew as the time for it to happen for you got nearer.’ They nodded again.
‘Well, I just don’t have that yearning. Ever. So … I don’t think I want children.’
‘Fair enough,’ Elsa replied with a shrug.
‘Yeah,’ Daisy said, looking confused. ‘It’s none of our business.’
The three of them fell silent.
‘Oh,’ Beth said. ‘So, you get it?’
‘Of course we do,’ Elsa replied. ‘Not everyone’s the same, Beth. We’re all different and want different things out of life.’
‘But aren’t you disappointed?’
‘Why would we be?’
‘Because people don’t always understand.’
‘Bethy,’ Elsa said sternly. ‘We’re a lesbian couple conceiving via IVF and donor sperm. We’re not exactly most people.’
She laughed. ‘No, I suppose you’re not.’
‘You live your life how you want, babe! You do you!’
‘Yeah,’ Daisy added. ‘You have to do what makes you happy and if having kids isn’t going to make you happy, then don’t do it! And it’s about time society caught up with that. But what does this have to do with Marco?’
‘Well, he knew about my worries about whether to have kids or not – whether it was something I actually wanted, and then, before everything happened with his sister, when we were at that family dinner, he said he felt the same way. That he loves all his nieces and nephews, but he doesn’t feel the need to have kids of his own. He just wants me.’
Her voice trailed away as these words, and the I love you he’d given her before, rang through her head.
‘Oh,’ Daisy said. ‘That’s actually quite sweet.’
Elsa spoke more softly than usual. ‘It is, but there’ll be other guys who don’t want kids, Bethy. That’s not a reason to get back with him.’
‘That’s true. The only reason to get back with him,’ Daisy added, ‘is because you love him and he made a mistake, but you forgive him for it. Can you? I know you’ve never really been heartbroken before, but relationships are just like your career, Beth; they’re work.
Hard work at times. When you’ve missed out on a job or a journal article hasn’t been accepted, you haven’t just given up, have you? ’
Elsa nodded emphatically. ‘She’s right. When things go wrong and we make mistakes you have to work through them.’
‘Your relationship has never really seemed like hard work,’ Beth replied.
Daisy and Elsa both laughed but then looked at each other with such love and admiration, Beth’s heart flipped.
‘Umm …’ Elsa cleared her throat. ‘Do you not remember when I was supposed to take Daisy out for her twenty-fifth birthday and got caught up at work and was so late to the restaurant they were nearly closing? You and she were drunk as lords, she was crying, and you were so angry with me we didn’t speak for a week. ’
‘Or the time,’ Daisy said with a sly smile, ‘that I was so caught up in my own problems that I never realised how miserable Elsa was in her old job and we ended up having that huge row where it all came to a head and I came and stayed at yours for a few days?’
‘Relationships take lots of work, Bethy. Just like your career did.’
Beth sat back in her chair. She’d completely forgotten all those things.
Maybe because they’d always gotten back together and worked through any problems. They always talked eventually and figured out where they’d gone wrong so they could try to avoid it the next time.
Communication was key and she and Marco had already discussed so much.
He understood the thing she’d feared most – he wanted the same.
And he’d promised her he wouldn’t ever just close down on her again.
They already knew so much about each other – she knew his wounds and the things that hurt him, and he knew her fears and hopes and dreams. He’d accepted her as she was; was she not going to do the same because he’d made one mistake?
Elsa was right that there were other men out there who would feel the same way about children and life, but she didn’t want another man.
She wanted Marco.
But was it too late to tell him so?