Chapter 19
I know in my head though what I don’t need randoms on the internet to tell me. This is crazy, foolish, bonkers. Even if it’s only an hour’s trip we shouldn’t be going. We’re breaking the rules. We might get sicker. It’s the middle of winter, cold and grey and damp, and we all have lung conditions.
But my heart is larger than my mind. I get dressed quickly, taking care around the cannula site, a sense of something like excitement bubbling in me, like the waters of a lake rippling at the coming of a storm.
I don’t do things like this. I keep the rules and keep the peace.
But Jodie is a life-force, a wind rushing through the ward and through all of our minds, spinning our thoughts until we cannot do anything but follow her lead.
For the fiftieth time, I ask myself what she is doing with that awful man.
She has tucked her pyjama bottoms into a pair of Ugg boots and balances on the edge of my chair, picking at her nails. ‘Come on, Violet,’ she says. ‘You’ve got to come.’
Violet sticks her chin out. ‘I don’t want to go without Amina. Did you not hear me the first time?’
‘We don’t know where she is. You know that.’
‘It’s not fair to leave her, though, is it? Not when she was part of it all. I just don’t think we should.’
Jodie runs her hand through her hair. ‘Since when were you so bothered about Amina? You’ve always been vile to her, if I’m being honest with you.’
Violet turns her face away.
‘Okay, look, you don’t have to come. Listen, I’m sorry about Amina and everything, but Barbara’s the one who counts here.’
Violet says nothing and keeps her arms tightly folded, staring back at Jodie with rebellion in her eyes.
Jodie shrugs. ‘Whatever. Where’s Kat?’
‘She’s in the loo,’ I say. ‘Says she was just getting ready.’
Jodie nods, and then gapes, and then laughs out loud, her gaze locked on the doors behind me.
I turn round. Kat is walking into the bay dressed in a Chewbacca onesie and Doc Martens, the purple shawl her friends made for her around her shoulders, a lightweight purple raincoat draped over her furry arm.
‘Awesome,’ Jodie says. ‘You have style, lady.’
Kat does a spin and laughs. ‘I have warmth, at least. Might as well make use of this thing.’
‘Love it,’ Jodie says, then rubs her hands together. ‘This is going to be so much fun!’
‘Bit too hot in here though. Got my fleece pjs on under this baby.’ Kat wipes sweat from her brow.
I look at Jodie, in her strange get-up, and Kat in her onesie, wondering how she still manages to look so effortlessly cool, and wish I had something more exciting than a baggy old jumper and saggy leggings.
At least I have a coat, though, at least Jake remembered that.
I can feel the nip of cold through the gap in my window.
I cram my unsuitable ballet flats over the ridiculous red slipper socks, far too puffy for the shoes.
Kane turns up, whistling and slaloming one of the blue hospital wheelchairs in front of him. ‘Everyone ready?’ He seems buoyant today, full of energy and excitement, his blue eyes sparkling. He does a double take at Jodie, and stands back, nose crimped in disdain. ‘What the hell is that?’
She wilts under his gaze.
‘You’re not wearing that, are you? It makes you look like a fat old lady.’
I can almost see Kat’s hackles rising, standing proud from her skin, emanating waves of antipathy. I shake my head at her. Not now.
Jodie says, ‘I’ll take it off.’ She peels the jumper off, and the Justin Bieber T-shirt looks even flimsier, even more insubstantial than before.
‘Hmm,’ Kane says. He crushes her tightly to him then just as quickly pushes her away. ‘I’m all ready for you ladies.’
Jodie simpers, looking round at us as if to say, here’s my wonderful man, look how amazing he is, look how helpful he is.
‘Here’s your coat,’ Kane says, shoving a jacket at Jodie.
‘That’s not my winter coat,’ Jodie says, holding it out in front of her; a lightweight denim jacket with a thin fabric hood.
‘I don’t like that one,’ Kane says. ‘Makes you look a bit chunky, babe. This one’s hot.’
Jodie nods. ‘Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.’
‘You should take the fleece,’ Kat says, her face all puckered up. ‘You’ll be too cold.’
‘We won’t be outside long.’
‘Still, you should take it. Wouldn’t harm, would it? You could just leave it in the van if you’re okay without it.’
Jodie shrugs. ‘I guess.’
Kane says, ‘Don’t expect to be seen with me in that thing.’
Nicki wanders into the bay. ‘What you lot up to now then? All in your gladrags like that? Bit dressed up for your little garden jaunt, aren’t you?’
‘Just going for a little walk. Maybe a little bit longer than usual,’ Jodie says, gazing back at Nicki without guile. ‘Bit chilly out there, is all.’
Nicki looks Kat up and down. ‘Nice onesie.’
‘I know, right?’ Kat says, smiling. ‘My daft other half decided I needed it in here, bless him. Thought I’d pop it on for a little bit of air.’
‘Hmm,’ Nicki says, giving her a sidelong look so dripping with suspicion it’s almost written on her face in sharpie pen. ‘Right. See you have the chair for Barbara. She’s doing well, isn’t she? Much better than in the night. Be careful with her, though, won’t you? Don’t keep her outside too long.’
‘We won’t,’ Jodie says.
‘I’ll just hook up her oxygen, then,’ Nicki says, fiddling with Barbara’s tube and connecting it to the cylinder by her bed. ‘Right. Let’s get you into your chair, flower.’
Barbara claps her hands together. ‘We’re going to the sea!’
Nicki looks at Jodie, eyebrows pinched together in a point.
‘Ah, you know how she is,’ Jodie says, rolling her eyes around. ‘She’ll be on about her mouse next.’
‘Is my mouse there?’ Barbara says, right on cue.
‘See?’ Jodie says, weaving her arms into the jacket, which is a little too small and far too thin.
Her T-shirt is a little short, revealing an expanse of belly and a tattoo I’d never noticed before.
Kane4eva, it says, in matching style and slightly dodgy quality to Kane’s larger more visible one on his bicep. It looks sore.
Nicki helps Barbara into the chair and wraps her up, in her dressing-gown and socks and slippers and two blankets tucked in under her legs and a third around her shoulders. She looks snug and warm and happy.
Violet stares at her, a dark shadow crossing her eyes, but she doesn’t shift from her bed.
Nicki smiles tentatively. ‘Hmm. Well, off you go then, ladies, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your fresh air.
’ She forms her fingers into quotation marks around the last two words, and I glance at Kat.
Does Nicki know? And does Barbara know, really, after all our attempts to keep it from her, or is it her usual wishful thinking?
It doesn’t really matter now, I suppose.
I look at Barbara, installed in her blue hospital wheelchair, all wrapped in blankets, drip stand inserted into the slot on the chair, oxygen cylinder stowed in the holder attached to the back.
I see the great anticipation written on her, her eyes alive with hope like a child on Christmas morning.
‘Did you bring a scarf or anything?’ Kat says to me.
‘Oh, nearly forgot!’ Did Jake take that bag away last night? I peer under the bed and find it there, abandoned on the floor with a scarf spilling out. I rifle through the bag but can’t see my favourite black bobble hat.
‘Get a move on,’ Kane growls.
What the heck. I’ll look later. I hitch my handbag further up my shoulder, hook the Aldi bag over my arm and catch up with Kat, waiting behind Barbara’s chair at the entrance.
We wave to Violet, who turns away and doesn’t wave back, and Kane leads us out of the bay, pushing Barbara through the double doors and then weaving through the ward to the main doors into the corridor.
‘Slow down, babe,’ Jodie says, grabbing hold of Kane’s arm. ‘We can’t keep up. Penny can’t walk very fast.’
Kane powers ahead, like he’s in some kind of race, and I don’t have a chance. Kat and Jodie might have a little more fitness than me, but they’re huffing and puffing, faces paler than ever in the harsh overhead lights of the long hallway. I stop for a moment and bend over, gasping.
Kane skids the chair to a stop and scowls around at us. ‘Look. Van’s on yellow lines,’ he says in tones stuffed with anger and tension. ‘Had to park somewhere close and those disabled bays were all full up.’
He sounds outraged at those disabled bays all being full up, as if those annoying disabled people have no right to fill them up when someone important like him needs the space.
Jodie’s shoulders stiffen and Kat lays a hand on her arm. ‘Look, Kane, okay. You go at your pace and we’ll catch you up, okay? You take Barbara to the van and get her in, you can do that, right?’
Kane looks at Barbara, tiny and bony and lost in her blankets, and flexes his muscles. ‘What d’you think?’
He takes off towards the main entrance. Barbara squeals and then shouts, ‘Faster!’
Kat takes my arm and Jodie comes round the other side of me and takes the other. ‘Slowly does it, Penny. Slow and steady.’
We’re near the entrance when I feel a cautious tap on my shoulder. I whirl around, catching a blurry glimpse of a woman in a turquoise hijab and a big blue puffy coat, standing behind me with her hands clasped together.
Jodie glances at her, narrowing her eyes, and I worry that she must think us rude. But then Jodie steps back over to her and enfolds her in a huge hug.
She beams so brightly I can see it all in her eyes. ‘You were not going to go without me, were you?’
She is wearing a green salwar kameez under the coat, and patent black stilettos.
‘Amina,’ I say. ‘You look nice.’
Nice? Seriously, Penny.
But Amina thanks me. ‘I hope it is okay that I wear this. It is important for me.’
Kat touches Amina’s hand. ‘We’re delighted you found us. And of course. You don’t have to ask. And awesome shoes, by the way.’
Amina touches her head. ‘It is just, when I am outside, like this, outside of the hospital, I wish to wear this.’
Jodie gazes at her, biting down on her lip, a myriad of emotions crossing through her eyes. I can see the fight in her mind, and the moment the better part of herself wins. She punches Amina on the arm. ‘We’re just so damn glad you made it. Where were you?’
‘They put me on the day surgery ward. But I knew you were going now, so I came now too.’
Kat’s brow crinkles. ‘Day surgery?’
‘It is because, they say, because I am most well out of all of you, and they needed the bed space where I was for somebody very sick. And the space I am now is the only bed space they have in all the hospital. It is very busy in there, but I go home tomorrow, so I do not mind. But I was sad when I could not say goodbye.’
‘We were sad too,’ Kat says, taking Amina’s arm and leading her towards the entrance. ‘Kane’s waiting outside with Barbara, so we’d better—’
‘Wait! Where is Violet?’ Amina stares around at me, then Kat, then Jodie, then at the doors. ‘She is with Kane, yes? With Barbara?’
Jodie shakes her head. ‘She wouldn’t come. Without you, I mean.’
Amina’s eyes widen. ‘Without me?’
‘Yeah,’ Jodie says. ‘But we have to go—’
‘You are sure? She would not go without me?’
I nod. ‘She thought we were wrong to go without you, when you’d been a part of the plans, and when you’re such a part of us.’
‘But I must go to her. Get her and bring her.’ Amina pulls her arm away from Kat’s and whirls around, swishing away, calling over her shoulder. ‘Wait for us, please, outside. Please wait.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Kat says. ‘We’ll be at the entrance. In the van. Make sure she is warm enough, that she brings a coat, okay?’
Amina has disappeared into the gloomy distance of the endless corridor.
‘She’s so much better,’ Kat says.
Jodie takes a deep breath in and exhales slowly.
‘Okay?’ I say to her.
‘It’s just, Kane, you know, he’s waiting. He doesn’t like waiting.’
I bet he doesn’t.
‘It’s okay,’ says Kat. ‘We’ll go and find him now, and we’ll talk to him. I’m sure he’ll be fine.’
Jodie doesn’t look so sure, but follows Kat as she walks slowly towards the main entrance, allowing me time to walk with them at my snail’s pace. Each step is still painful, and I wish I’d done more with Dan, wish I’d built up my muscles further, that I was just that slight bit better.
I take a breath in and grit my teeth as I push through the doors to the outside world.