Chapter Ten #2
I’ve spent the weekend doing my best to put her out of my mind. I’ve run so many miles, I could have got all the way to Dunedin if I’d gone in a straight line. Now, I feel a little calmer, and ready for her standard teasing as I take her through some self-defense moves.
To my surprise, though, her usual ready smile is absent this morning as I walk her through a few exercises. I hadn’t intended to even mention her date, but as the session wears on, I start feeling concerned about how quiet she is.
I show her a palm-heel strike and an elbow strike, then pause so we can both have a few swigs of water from our bottles.
“You okay?” I ask eventually, clipping the top back on mine.
She nods. “I’m fine.”
I put the bottle down and watch her take her place. I should stay professional. I’m not her therapist, and I’m not her confidante. If she wants to talk about her feelings she has plenty of friends and family.
But I like her, and she looks sad, unhappy even. Her well-being is important to me.
“You don’t look fine,” I say softly. “Has something happened?”
She brushes down her yoga pants, not answering.
“Aurelia?”
She shrugs.
It might not be anything to do with her date, but I don’t know where else to start. “How did your date go?”
She looks up at me, and her eyes are blazing, full of resentment. “Badly,” she snaps. “Happy now?”
My eyebrows rise. “No, of course not.” My stomach flips. “What happened?”
She glares at me mutely, then folds her arms and looks away, out of the window.
“Stacy told me you went back to Ivan’s place.” I go cold. “He didn’t… hurt you?”
She gives a short laugh, then breathes in deeply and blows out a long, long breath. “No. Nothing like that. We made out for a bit. But… I couldn’t go through with it.” Her gaze flicks up to mine, then drops again.
I feel a flare of joy, and then I’m immediately disgusted with myself. “I’m so sorry,” I make myself say. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She just sighs. She looks so tiny and vulnerable standing there, although I know she’s stronger than she seems. But emotionally, I’m convinced she is fragile. I’m beginning to think Dominic had more of an effect on her than I realized at first.
“I froze,” she says.
I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out.
She looks up at me, and her eyes shine with unshed tears, even though her jaw is firmly set. “I wanted to. He was nice. Kind, you know? Gentle. Unthreatening.”
He was the opposite to Dominic. That’s what she’s saying.
“I just… couldn’t, when it came to it.” Her whole body is tense, her shoulders hunched.
I wonder whether Ivan got angry when she called it a day. Some men would be. “What did he say?”
“He was lovely. Gave me a hug. Said I could stay if I wanted and just cuddle up. But I wanted to get out of there. I called an Uber and waited on the pavement for it. It was dark by then, and a couple of guys passed me and started talking to me.” Her words come tumbling out.
“I… I thought about calling you, but it was late, and I knew I mustn’t.
And I wondered when I became so scared to be on my own. ” She presses her fingers to her mouth.
“Hey…” Emotions swirl around inside me. Joy, because she didn’t sleep with him. Pleasure that she thought about calling me. It might only have been because I make her feel safe, but I think it’s possibly more than that.
But there’s sadness and sorrow too, because it doesn’t change anything. We might have feelings for each other, but it’s an impossible situation.
I can’t just stand there when she’s hurting like this, though. I close the distance between us and hold out my arms. She looks up at me, then moves forward and rests her cheek on my shoulder, and I close my arms around her.
“It’s okay,” I murmur, rubbing her back.
“You should have called me.” I wouldn’t have been able to drive because I’d been drinking, but I could have caught an Uber and gone out to get her.
I resolve there and then not to drink anymore, not even when I’m not on duty.
Until the situation is resolved with her stalker, I’m going to make sure I’m available twenty-four-seven.
“It didn’t seem fair,” she whispers. “You weren’t on duty…”
“I don’t care. If you’re worried or afraid, you call me, understand? And I’ll come running.”
She swallows hard. “I don’t want to be weak.”
“You’re not.”
“I am.” She moves back and looks up at me, and I drop my arms. “It’s kind of you to show me the self-defense stuff,” she says, “but we both know that if a guy really got hold of me, I wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“No,” I say firmly, “that’s not true. We’ve only just begun our sessions. I’m going to show you plenty of moves you can use on a man, even if he’s bigger and stronger than me.”
She shivers. “There were two guys that came up to me. Luckily, the Uber arrived just after that and I was able to get in. But I was really scared for a minute. I hate it.” Her eyes shine.
“I hate being a woman sometimes. I hate being small and defenseless. And I hate that men look at me and only see a victim.”
“I don’t,” I say honestly.
“You’re just saying that.”
“No, I’m not,” I say firmly. “Yes, you’re small.
You can’t change that. But there are plenty of things you can do to feel less defenseless.
I don’t just mean learning the moves. Predators don't usually choose the strongest target. They choose the one who looks distracted, frightened or unsure of themselves.”
I move closer to her, slide a finger under her chin, and lift it.
“It’s about how you carry yourself. You need to walk with your head up, keep your shoulders back, and maintain a purposeful pace.
Make sure you keep your hands out of your pockets.
Keep eye contact with anyone around you to show them you’re not intimidated. ”
“What if I am?”
“You’re not, because you’re Wonder Woman, do you hear me?”
That makes her give a sniffly laugh. “I’m really not.”
“Yes you are. You’re fucking amazing. You’re so far from being a victim, it’s not funny.
Any man who comes within ten feet of you better watch out, because I’m going to make sure you know exactly how to defend yourself and deal out pain.
You’re stronger than you think—do you hear me?
” I end fiercely, hating that she’s so scared of my gender.
She looks into my eyes. “All right,” she whispers.
I nod with satisfaction. “Good. Now come on. Let’s get started on the next move.”