Chapter 17
Clara
Why doesn’t he want me?
That’s the thought that raced through my head, even as he smeared his release all over me, shoving his coated fingers into me before spreading the remnants over my heated skin.
Why doesn’t he want me?
It was on my mind as I fell asleep wrapped up in the safety of his arms, my muscles jellied from the orgasms he’d ripped from me.
I awoke with a jolt in the middle of the night, his hard cock jabbing into my stomach. I wiggled out of his grip, replacing my body with nothing more than a pillow.
Why doesn’t he want me?
It was the only thing I thought of as I raced up the stairs to my room, burying my face in my pillow and letting out a silent scream.
He’d been so close. So close to pushing inside me, so close to giving me my wildest dream.
There was something wrong with me. That’s what the problem was. Something about me he just couldn’t love enough.
After tearing myself from my bed, I rinsed off and dressed.
Then, being as quiet as I could, I rushed back downstairs, shoved my discarded clothes in my bag…
and folded his neatly before putting them aside.
With one last look at his peaceful, handsome face, I snuck out of his house and locked it up tight.
I’d do well to lock up my heart, but I didn’t have that luxury. My heart hadn’t belonged to me for too many years.
Now, it belonged to him.
And he doesn’t even want me.
I stumbled home and into bed, then rose in the morning to more heartache. There were no messages on my cell, no phone calls asking where I’d gone.
Zee was back to ignoring me, and after one hope-filled night, I was back to being… just me.
Just the girl who wasn’t enough.
I fumbled through my classes, met with my clients in back hallways and dark rooms, exchanging white papers for green. They got the homework assignments I’d poured myself into the past couple weeks, I got enough money to finally go back to Jayden and get a new supply.
That money burned a hole in my pocket all afternoon, and my scattered mind wasn’t thinking of much else as I walked on autopilot through the front door to Zee’s house.
It wasn’t until the door was locked and I turned to find him standing, arms crossed, at the bottom of the stairs, that something other than my plans for getting more pills crossed my mind.
I let out a squeak and jumped backward, slamming my shoulder into the solid door. Zee’s brow—already deep with some unknown emotion—furrowed deeper still. Was it wrong that I cowered as he reached for my arm? Was it wrong that I melted into him as he pulled me to his chest?
“Are you okay?” He asked it with his lips brushing the skin at the side of my head, voice raw and raspy and so damn hot.
Giving him a nod, I turned my face up to his. Warmth flooded my belly as he stared down at me, eyes on my lips. “I’m okay.”
Zeno looked like he had a thousand things to say. After a full minute, he finally settled on, “I didn’t hear you leave.”
“I needed to get home and take my pills.”
“Pills?” I didn’t realize my mistake until he asked it, and my breath caught in my throat as I tried to suck it in.
A fleck of something hit the back of my throat, causing me to cough like an idiot, because only an idiot couldn’t breathe without choking. Zee patted my back, rubbing his palm in circles until I could finally suck in a breath tainted with his scent without coughing it up again.
“What pills?” Zee asked when I’d finally recovered.
My gaze darted around the room as I desperately searched for a response that would be logical and appropriate to tell my doctor, my mentor, and the man who’d almost fucked me last night.
Almost, but not quite.
“Birth control.” I locked my eyes on his when I said it, and I couldn’t have missed his flinch if I tried. His mouth worked like he was trying to bite his tongue before he finally gave me a response.
“You’re on the pill?”
A huff of breath left me, and I rolled my eyes. “Duh.”
“Since when?”
“Since I was thirteen.”
“Why?” Zee grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past him, pulling me back to face him.
I shifted uneasily. Crossed one arm over my middle. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “My periods were all messed up. I was bleeding twenty-one days a month.”
“Are you sexually active?”
That same hurt I’d felt the past few weeks pummeled my chest. I lifted my chin, locked eyes with him, and told him, “No. I’m not.”
He flinched again, though this time he raised his palms to his face, scrubbing as if he could wipe away images of what we’d done last night. “Who gave you the pills?”
“My doctor.”
“I am your doctor!” This time, it was me who flinched, Zee’s loud voice blaring in my ears.
I shied away from his clenched fists. “My gynecologist,” I told him, voice starting to shake. “Mom brought me to him after she found out.”
Zee turned from me, though spun back just as quick. “It’s a man?”
“Yes,” I squeaked out.
“She brought you to some stranger? She let some stranger look at your—” He dragged his hands down his face again. “Why, Clara? Why would she do that?”
His anger frightened me, and I did the only thing I could to relieve my fear.
I mimicked my mother’s voice, the same way I had each time I’d wanted to skip school and I called my school’s secretary to let her know little Clara was sick.
“You don’t have to have dinner with your OB, Clara.
” I shook my fist with one finger raised, just like she had when she’d said it.
“You don’t have to stare at him while you’re eating, knowing the whole time he’s been between your legs, staring at your pussy. ”
Zee’s eyes widened and it seemed every muscle in his body froze. For a long minute, he didn’t say anything, and I feared what I’d done was wrong. But then the tiniest huff of a breath left him, and his face broke into a smile, only for him to fight to tame it before losing the battle completely.
“She said that?” he asked, peeking up at me after he’d had a good laugh.
I side-eyed him, completely lost. “Yeah.” It came out like a question.
“Holy fuck.” He thrust his hand into his hair, stared up at the ceiling before dropping his gaze to me. “It all makes sense now.”
“I’m glad someone knows what the fuck is going on.”
Zee’s gaze zipped to mine, and I could almost hear his reprimand on his lips.
He stopped himself, swallowed hard, and nodded once.
“I always thought your mother hated me. She wouldn’t look at me, not after I delivered you.
” He reached for me, cupping my cheek with his big palm, and for a moment, I got lost there in his gaze.
“She was embarrassed,” I told him, putting it all together and trying not to lose myself.
Zee’s other hand came up, and he gripped my face. I wasn’t sure if he meant to or not, but there was a pull there I couldn’t ignore. A stretching of my neck as his hands tightened, like he was trying to straighten my spine. Like, maybe, he was trying to bring his mouth to mine.
How I wanted him to kiss me. I waited for it, like a fool. Because hadn’t he already taught me that I wasn’t enough for him?
He closed his eyes and tilted his head away, letting go of me little by little, until my heels rested on the floor and I was at no risk of toppling over. He swiped his thumbs along the sides of my lips as he looked at me once more.
“Do you want some more stories?”
My brow pinched. “I don’t understand.”
Zee reached for my hand, stringing his fingers between mine before taking a step backward toward the kitchen, tugging me along.
“I thought I could give you the rundown on some of the Syndicate’s worst injuries.
” He tipped his head, a smirk playing at his lips.
“For research purposes, of course. It won’t do for you not to know our clientele. ”
Despite my quashed hope, I couldn’t help but smile. “I’d love that.”
Zee yanked me closer, until our chests touched. His eyes drifted shut, and he lowered his face until his lips pressed gently to the middle of my forehead. “Good girl,” he whispered, wrapping an arm around my back and hugging me tight. His broad chest rose, and I couldn’t help but hold him back.
Because, wasn’t this what I wanted? For him to love me like this? For this to be more than what we’d had when I was a child?
He loosened his grip, letting me go but still keeping me close. Once again, his eyes alighted on my lips, his pupils widening and turning his blue eyes dark. “Come on, kid. Let’s get to work.”