Chapter 20 #4
My head is such a mess, and that’s what makes me think maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship.
“She died right in front of me in that fucking basement, giving birth to my little sister.”
I still at this, my heart contracting with hurt just imagining him having to go through that. “I’m so sorry, Levi.”
He doesn’t turn to me, as if looking at me right now brings him discomfort. Instead, he proceeds to tell me his horrific backstory, a story that destroys my soul.
One shouldn’t compare suffering. It’s not a competition, but as shitty as my childhood was…he had it way worse.
“It’s the first time I've ever told anyone about my past. Even Wyatt doesn’t know all the details.
” He walks toward the banister, letting the rain, which has grown less heavy, fall on him, and he spins around, leaning back while our eyes meet.
“Now you know everything. Why I do what I do. I would never apologize and never stop, because if me being a murderer means that fewer children will have to watch their mother die in cages while rapists go on to live their perverted lives, then that’s the price I’m willing to pay in this world.
” A beat passes. “That’s my only way to atone for the fact that his blood runs through my veins.
” He taps his index finger on his forearm.
“I used to cut myself as a teen, wondering if my blood looked any different than anyone else’s because it’s polluted by his poison.
” A humorless chuckle slips past his lips and it only intensifies my pain for him.
“It doesn’t, not that it changes anything. ”
“You’re your mom’s son. It’s her body that grew and nourished you, her love that raised you and made you strong enough to withstand hell.
And it’s due to her intelligence that you managed to survive in the wild.
” She must have been very smart and clever despite the hand life had dealt her.
“And whatever Robert did, it’s not your fault, and you’re nothing like him. ”
“Yet I was the source of her greatest pain, because I think she would have killed herself if it wasn’t for me. And I’ll be honest. I would have preferred to never be born over having my mom suffer with that piece of shit.”
So much self-loathing coats his tone. Everything in me wishes to come closer to him and soothe it, but I don’t dare.
Not now at least.
“You want to find him, and you think he’ll come after me? Is this why you agreed to keep our affair a secret?” Looking back now, his understanding of me wanting to keep our relationship under wraps makes no sense unless he needed it himself.
“Robert was delusional enough to believe they loved each other, and the only obstacle that stood in his way was me. So I knew he’d want payback, and once he finds me…he won’t just want to kill me. He’d want me to suffer the way he did, and for that, he needs you.”
I jerk when thunder booms in the sky, startling me, and whisper, “I don’t understand. How would he know you’re his son?”
He taps on the little scar in the shape of a star on his neck that his tattoo covers. Now that I think about it, it’s the one thing most visible on him in all his social media posts. “He gave it to me when he beat me up once. I knew he’d recognize it, so it was just a matter of time.”
“And you think he found you.”
“I don’t think. I know.”
“So he’s hunting me now?”
Levi showed an interest in me, and maybe Robert took it the wrong way, so he probably had no other choice but to continue pursuing me to catch his mother’s rapist?
I step outside myself, extending my splayed palm and watching the raindrops fall on it, wondering why this knowledge doesn’t soothe the fire spreading in my veins. It just intensifies the betrayal.
Levi hasn’t done anything wrong. Granted, he wasn’t honest with me, but I was a willing participant in all our sexual encounters. So what if he didn’t plan forever with me and just wanted to use me?
Didn’t I plan to use him myself, and was just stupid enough to fall for him?
I’m not sure if it’s love. I’ve never experienced it, but feelings are involved, and I have only myself to blame.
No one promised me forever.
“That’s why you put a tracking device in me and have all these cameras around. You’re not stalking me, you’re making sure you won’t miss him once he tries to take me under false pretenses.”
The glass in his hand crushes, and I gasp when he drops the pieces on the floor.
They barely miss his bare feet as blood drips from his open wound, creating a red pool around him while anger laces his every word when he replies, “Moy cvetochek, get it through your pretty head that my obsession is what triggered his desire to get you. Not the other way around.” Warmth washes over me at this, and once again, I wonder if I’ll ever be normal.
“The only reason I’m watching you so closely is because I want to protect you and cannot breathe without knowing what you’re doing and where.
I’m afraid being mine includes me stalking your every move and making sure no one hurts what’s mine.
Like that fucking guy who dared to insult you. ”
My eyes widen. “What did you do to him?”
“Taught him a lesson and broke a few bones. He’s doing time in jail. Don’t worry about him.” It sounds like a command, and I barely hold back the hysterical laughter.
Oh my God!
My gaze falls to his bleeding hand, and I quickly rush to him, grabbing it and lifting it. The cut isn’t deep and won’t require any stitches. “We need to put something on it.”
“It’ll heal.” His breath fans my cheek, and my heartbeat speeds up when I realize our proximity. I swallow, moving back a little but still holding his hand. A zap of electricity passes between us. “I’ve had way worse.”
Yes. I’ve touched and kissed his body countless times, and now I have this deep urge to do that again.
To pay all his scars special attention, to try to soothe the pain just looking at them must bring him and show him how little they matter to me or whose blood runs through him.
Except I can’t do that, can I?
I’m his captive, and I refuse to sleep with my captor, no matter his reasons or the ways my body begs me otherwise.
Once upon a time, I promised myself to never settle for a man who’d try to clip my wings, and I intend to keep it.
Clearing my throat, I say, as owls hoot in the distance, creating a rather sinister energy around us, “I’ll help you catch him.
Just tell me what to do, and I’ll bring him to you.
” I bite on my lower lip. “I don’t understand what it is like to want to kill someone.
I could never do it, even if I liked all these documentaries.
I guess I got satisfaction knowing that all these pervs were dead, so people like us could get justice, you know?
I never actually thought about what killing them entails.
” I hook the strands of my hair behind my ears.
It’s getting wet all over again in the rain.
“However, I do understand wanting revenge and finding your sister.” Growing up with a madman like Jade, I’m terrified to think about this little girl having to be raised by that rapist. Hopefully, he hasn’t hurt her in any way.
“I’ll help you and will never tell anyone about it. Your secret is safe with me.”
I don’t care if he killed those people, and I suspect everyone around me does it anyway, my brother included, so it’s not like I can choose a different family. Or want to, really.
If I ever find out they kill innocent people, though…I would report them all to the police myself.
He wraps his hand around mine, smearing me in blood, and pulls me close to him, our chests bumping against each other’s while his other hand laces through my hair, tilting my head back as he leans closer.
“No. What part of being mine do you not get? Whatever I thought was possible just a month ago is not. I won’t allow him anywhere near you.
Just the idea of him getting his hands on you drives me mad, wanting me to set everything on fire around me.
” His thumb presses on my chin. “You’re essential to my very existence, Lavender, and that’s a curse and salvation at the same time for both you and me. ”
He pushes me away and walks toward the garden, not bothering with the rain at all. I lift the skirt of my dress and follow him, hissing, “Where the hell are you going?”
“To my sanctuary.”
“In the middle of our conversation?”
“This conversation is over as far as I’m concerned.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I gulp for air since he moves so freaking fast, and in several more steps, we end up near the place where I lost my virginity.
Somehow, we’ve never come here again after that first time, and it’s completely different and magical at night.
The moonlight lights up everything around it, and the glass walls make the bed the center of attention, with a huge telescope pointed at the sky. It’s so dark that no stars shine there.
Heat travels through me the minute we enter, and silence falls on us, along with warmth and goose bumps covering my skin when he says, “I guess we have one thing in common with Robert. We’re obsessed with what and who we want to the point of insanity.
The more I want you, the more he’d wish to hurt you because he knows how this works.
He knows that, as long as you’re mine, you’re my greatest weakness and, in this, my reason to live.
I won’t put you through that risk.” A hollow chuckle follows as he grabs a towel and throws it over my shoulders before picking one up for himself, drying his hair.
“I won’t be like him. I won’t let my obsession put a woman in a cage and for her to end up hating me. ”
My brow furrows. “You didn’t—”
“Do not make excuses for me. You’re free to go. I’ll call Gordon so he can pick you up and take you home.”
I’m too stunned to say anything besides repeat after him. “Take me home.”
“Yes. Please understand something, Lavender. Doing that makes me go against my very nature, but I give you my word, I won’t bother you, and you’ll be free to live the life you want without me in it.”
What a lie.
He’d still watch over me and stalk my every move, so what he’ll give me is an illusion of freedom because that’s something I wish for, and he won’t have to feel like an asshole who hurt his mother.
Even though both of them have nothing in common.
He goes to the bedside table, and I notice he has a landline on it. He picks up the handset and presses the number, speaking after two seconds. “Gavin, call—”
Before he can dish out his order, I rush to him and put the handset back, disconnecting the call as a bubble of laughter escapes me.
For the happiness surging through my veins and lighting up everything inside me finally breaks all the invisible chains that have held me hostage in my confused mind over the years, creating a shielding cocoon that prevented me from taking risks or believing in the impossible.
Levi gave me a choice, even if it meant going against his nature. He gave me a choice, and in this, he made himself my only choice.
I do not want freedom from him, but I want the freedom to choose my own life, and he just gave me that.