Chapter twenty-nine
some happiness, for pities sake
“ W hy don’t you take a shower? I’ll find you something to wear.” Darragh hadn’t thought to grab a shirt from Senan’s before we left.
I hadn’t reminded him either.
Bare-chested and grimy, Darragh stood in my kitchen. There was a haunted, faraway look in his eyes. He nodded absently and left.
Watney brushed my leg. I scooped him up and, despite his struggling, hugged him tight. “I missed you, buddy.” Watney allowed me exactly two seconds of cuddling before wriggling free. He headed to the bathroom door, where he waited for Darragh. I really owed Sasha for looking in on Watney so much. I’d have to check out the cosmetics wish list he’d sent me for his birthday in July.
After his shower, Darragh put on one of my baggy M?neskin T-shirts and oversized sweatpants, which fit him like capris. He fell asleep on the couch, knee bent at an uncomfortable angle to accommodate Watney sleeping in the crook of his leg. I turned off Ever After and tiptoed to bed. The horrors of the day still fresh in my mind, I wouldn’t sleep anytime soon. I opened my laptop and the screen flickered to life.
“HI EVERYBODY MY NAME IS MARKIPL—”
I slammed the laptop shut. Darragh stood on the other side, illuminated in the doorway. He asked, “What was that?”
“What was what?” I asked, guiltily.
“A loud man.” Darragh stooped to see under my bed.
“Oh, get up.” I opened my laptop and showed him. “Videos help me sleep.”
“May I come in?”
I patted the bed and scooted over. Darragh lay beside me. “How are you doing?” I asked.
“I’ve killed every person who ever mattered to me.”
Oh. So, it was going to be that kind of talk.
“The Truth killed Senan,” I started.
“I shouldn’t have involved him. I put him in danger. It was my fault he…” Darragh couldn’t finish his sentence. He knew the word, even if his lips couldn’t say it.
Died.
It was my fault he died.
“I killed my parents too. Did Bowyn tell you that?”
“He… He may have mentioned it.”
Darragh scrunched his nose. “I figured.” I waited to let him speak, hoping the silence encouraged him. “Everyone I’ve ever cared for is dead because of me.”
“What about all the people who lived because of you? Fyn, Pip. If you never saved Pip, Brana wouldn’t have helped me. I’d be dead.” I pointed between myself and Darragh. “We’d both be dead.” I was right, but the look on Darragh’s face hadn’t changed. I wasn’t making him feel better.
“Can you tell me about your parents?”
I expected him to shy away, but this time, he didn’t. “My father, he made textiles and loved his garden.” Darragh found my hand between the sheets and held it. A vision of a dark-haired man kneeling in the garden danced in my mind. An overwhelming sensation of love warmed my chest. “He taught me how to heal.”
“You look just like him.”
Darragh blushed, taking it for the compliment it was.
“Did he make all those lovely rugs and blankets in your cottage?”
“Yes.” Darragh’s eyes twinkled, touched that I remembered. “Nearly everything from our home burned in the…” He swallowed, then continued with some difficulty. “Burned in the fire.”
“I’m sorry.” I squeezed his fingers. Darragh squeezed back.
“My father sold some and gave others as gifts. I’ve tried to get them back.”
“What about your mother, Linovahle?” Darragh flinched, his smile ebbed. In my mind, I saw a strong, scowling woman. She had a flaming mane of red hair, pulled back in a ponytail filled with braids. Lin yelled a phrase I couldn’t understand, but the emotion that coursed through me was unmistakable.
Fear.
“Lin made glass and pottery,” Darragh said. “I was a disappointment to her. That I couldn’t control what I had.” He fidgeted with my pillow. “She was right.” Eager to change the subject, Darragh asked, “What about your family?”
“I don’t have anyone.”
“I’m sorry. How did they die?”
“They aren’t dead.” I shrugged. “I just don’t talk to them. ”
“Would you like to talk about it?
“Not really.”
Darragh didn’t press, but his grip tightened around my fingers.
We talked into the night. I don’t remember what we said. Nothing important. I just remember the way Darragh’s fingers grazed my hand beneath the sheets, and the way I forced myself to stay awake, so I could listen to his voice a little longer.
***
Buzz .
I rolled over in bed. Darragh was gone. I checked my phone.
“I saw your lights on last night. Are you available today?” Morgan.
“I’ll see you soon ,” I texted back. I crawled out of bed and found Darragh sitting in the window, quietly reading. In one hand, he held Daughter of the Moon Goddess . The other hand grazed a leaf on the nearby plant.
“I’m gonna head to the café for a bit.” Darragh nodded and continued reading. I hated to leave him like this, but I felt bad missing so much work.
When I arrived later that morning, Sasha wouldn’t even look at me. He was my friend, and I wanted to tell him everything . But how could I? All I could do was thank him, and apologize for leaving, especially on such short notice. Sasha just waved. After that, he kept busy to avoid me. I was thankful and sad to head up for lunch.
Darragh slid a cup of coffee across the counter. I grabbed for it but misjudged the distance and sent coffee spilling everywhere. My breath hitched. Darragh eyed me while he cleaned the mess.
I started to cry.
Darragh froze. “What’s happening?”
“Sasha hates me.” I covered my face.
“He doesn’t.”
“He does!” I rubbed my eyes. “He knows I’m not telling him something. He won’t even look at me.” Darragh spread his arms, offering a hug. Though his strength was comforting, my heart ached.
“Could you make up something that might satisfy him?” Darragh suggested.
“Sasha’s my friend, I won’t lie to him.”
After a pause, Darragh said, “You should eat before you go back.”
“Hmph,” I grumbled against his chest.
I talked little while we ate, my brain focused on ways to fix my deteriorating relationship with Sasha. We finished eating and I put my plate in the sink. “I don’t want to go back.”
It’s lonely down there.
Darragh brushed a batch of crumbs from my shirt. “Stay with me.”
“I wish.” I frowned. “I’ll see you later.”
I trudged back down. Sasha ignored me when I walked in. I threw my stuff in the back and heard the jingling of the bells as a customer entered. I peeked out to make sure Sasha served them. Darragh sat in his usual spot at the front of the café. When he saw me, he waved.
‘What are you doing here?’ I mouthed.
Darragh shrugged and got Sasha’s attention. I might be getting the silent treatment, but when Darragh smiled, Sasha couldn’t jump up fast enough. I missed their conversation as a customer walked in. She wore a wide-brimmed hat over voluptuous blonde curls and a large plaid scarf. Long fingernails tapped her phone. She didn’t look at me as she said, “Chai latte with soy milk.”
“To go?”
For a moment, she said nothing.
“Hm? Oh yeah,” she finally replied.
“What’s the name for the order? ”
Another pause.
“Braxlynn,” she mumbled. I prepped the latte. Braxlynn continued in an annoyed tone. “And I’m deathly allergic to dairy, so I’ll know if it’s not soy.”
I eyed the cream before I rang up her latte. “That’s five-fifty.”
“Can I have the lemon-cheesecake bar too?”
I bent to grab the bar and hesitated. “There’s milk in the—”
“It’s fine,” Braxlynn snapped.
Sasha returned and gave Braxlynn a wide berth as she left. “This bitch,” he muttered, watching her go. Braxlynn saw Darragh and gawked, nearly crushing her latte between her chest and the door. She continued staring back through the window as she headed down the street.
I mustered up the courage to ask Sasha what he and Darragh were chatting about—the bell jingled again . A petite woman with black hair and perfect kinky curls rushed in and scooted behind the counter.
When Sasha performed in drag, he looked just like Morgan except…taller.
“How are you Nelli?” Because she was quite soft-spoken, I often found myself leaning closer to Morgan so I could hear her. I responded to nearly everything she said with a ‘Pardon?’ or an ‘Excuse me?’ And even after she repeated herself, half the time I still wasn’t sure what she’d said.
This time, I thought I heard her correctly. “I’m okay.”
Morgan told Sasha he could head out, and he left without a goodbye. Morgan thought it uncharacteristic and asked, “Is something wrong?” I started to answer but choked when Darragh got up and left. He didn’t walk toward home; he followed Sasha.
What’s he doing?!
Where’s he going?!
Morgan followed my gaze to the front of the shop. “Uh, sorry. I don’t know,” I replied. “You know how Sasha gets.”
Morgan exhaled loudly. “I do.” She looked me up and down. “So…any boyfriends yet?”
“No,” I replied. “Not yet.” I started brewing a fresh pot of coffee, and my mind wandered to Darragh. I thought of his sharp, clever eyes, and pictured the way they always seemed to settle on my lips. As if all Darragh wanted to do was reach out and—
Coffee grounds and steaming water spewed into the coffee pot. I’d forgotten to add a filter. I slammed the off button and glanced at Morgan. Mother and professional lie detector, Morgan fixed me with a pointed stare. My cheeks flushed and I looked away.
“No boys, eh?” Morgan pursed her lips. “Whatever you say, hun.”
I bit my lip to keep from smiling.
On break, Sasha didn’t respond to any of my texts. I mean, I wasn’t surprised. He was mad, right? Probably nothing wrong. Darragh wouldn’t do anything…would he?
My stomach knotted.
I ran home after work. Taking the stairs three at a time, I shuffled with my keys. Voices muffled through the door.
“It’s stunning!”
Sasha ?
I barged in with such force, papers flew from the kitchen counter. Sasha and Darragh sat on the living room floor, legs crossed. Sasha beamed, mascara wand in hand. Darragh smiled, lips painted red, one set of eyelashes done. “Ahhh! Nelli, come look!” Sasha leapt up and raced across the kitchen. Dragging me over to Darragh, he asked, “What do you think?”
When Sasha dragged himself up, he looked like a different person entirely. Darragh still looked…well, he looked like Darragh. With lipstick on .
“His foundation is too dark.”
“Hm.” Sasha scrunched his nose and crossed his arms. “Yeah, I was afraid of that.” He threw his hands up. “Anyway, I gots to get going.” Sasha kissed me once on each cheek and whispered, “This one’s a keeper,” before pulling away. Sasha squeezed Darragh’s bicep. “I think you look sickening.” Sasha packed up his make-up bag and waved on his way out. “See you hunnies tomorrow.”
The door closed and I rounded on Darragh. “What did you tell him?”
“I showed him enough to understand. Nothing more.”
“Oh,” I paused. “Well, thank you.”
“Of course.”
Looking at Darragh all done up, I laughed. Darragh’s bright red lips parted in a broad smile. I tugged at his shirt. “Should we put you in one of my dresses?”
“If it’ll make you smile.” Darragh’s hand found my waist, pulling me close. He kissed my forehead. As he drew away, his eyes lingered on my lips.
Suddenly Darragh seemed a lot less funny.
“I, uh,” Darragh started. “I’m gonna go shower, wash this stuff off.” Darragh left, and I rummaged in a cupboard for a box of crackers. As I snacked, I found myself daydreaming.
What’s he look like in there? Lathered in soap and water …
Darragh reappeared in the doorway. He pointed behind himself. “Would you join me?”
I choked on wheat shards. After I downed a glass of water, I said, “Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I caught the tail end of Darragh climbing into the shower and my mouth dropped. Darragh was always so modest, I almost felt compelled to look away.
Almost.
Darragh rubbed a bar of soap under each arm. Bubbles trickled down his obliques. “Are you coming in?”
“Uh.” I shook my head. “Yes.” Every stretch mark and blemish begged me to quit undressing. Darragh would see them. See me. I wiggled out of my pants quickly, worried he might see any extra skin bunched around my belly. I wish I’d had the chance to shower before my shower with Darragh. I should have shaved. Covering myself as best I could, I jumped in behind him. Darragh turned from the water and pressed against me. He pulled my hands away from my body and kissed them, one after the other.
Don’t look down, I told myself .
My eyes shot down.
Oh, shit. I looked down .
My cheeks reddened and Darragh chuckled.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Unsure where to look.
Darragh’s rough fingers caressed my throat, his index finger guided my face back to him. His lips nearly touched mine when he said, “Look at me.” Darragh slid one strong arm around my back and kissed me. Soft and warm, I savoured the feeling. He pushed me against the cool tile. I had one moment to wonder how long ago I’d last cleaned the shower before he kissed me again.
This kiss was wholly different than the first.
A firm, starved kiss.
I traced my tongue along Darragh’s lower lip, and he moaned against my mouth. Pulling away, he trailed kisses up my neck. His breath flared in my ear and goosebumps tingled along my skin. Darragh slid his hand down my chest and—
“Agh!” Darragh tore himself away. Soapy water splashed out of the tub, and he steadied himself with the shower bar.
“What?” I covered myself. “What happened?” Darragh’s lips moved, but no sound came out. His eyes fixed on something outside the shower. I glanced over my shoulder, afraid of what I might see.
Nothing.
Just my bathroom.
A haunted look crept in and settled on Darragh’s face.
He’d seen something.
“I—I’m sorry,” Darragh started, his eyes still fixed on some invisible creature behind me. “It’s nothing. I just… I thought I saw something.”
The hair on the back of my neck prickled. Even if I couldn’t see it, I felt it. Something, or someone, lurked over my shoulder. Eager to leave the bathroom, I said, “Let’s get cleaned up and go watch a movie.” Darragh nodded but refused to look at me. When I tried to touch him, he flinched.
***
The next morning, I had a few errands to run. Groceries for us, food for Watney. Darragh accompanied me. He held the bags, and my hand whenever the opportunity presented itself. As we walked along the shop windows, our reflections walked with us. We wore joyful grins, obscured by messy hair as the blustery November wind blew at our backs.
I glimpsed a life with Darragh.
All at once, I realized how comfortably his hand nestled in mine and how lovely it felt to smile. A mundane task, suddenly cherished, simply because he existed and shared it with me.
What happiness would come if he existed for a million more?
We stopped at the café. “I want one more pumpkin latte before we roll over to the holiday drinks,” I reasoned. We said hi to Sasha and then made our way back to my apartment. After changing into a large, burnt orange sweater, I turned on Sleepy Hollow . Darragh joined me on the couch. Curled up with my latte, I stitched beside him.
When I asked what he thought of the movie, Darragh replied that it was, “Okay.” He never enjoyed the scary ones. For me, horror films were fiction. They weren’t real, and they certainly couldn’t hurt me. But for Darragh, growing up on Hiraeth, a lot of them seemed real. I’d learned that the hard way after I’d bugged him to watch Dead Alive . The dead coming back to life didn’t sit right with him. We’d had to watch Pride & Prejudice after that, just to make him feel better. Darragh liked love stories and fairytales best. I hoped he didn’t like them for the same reason I liked my horror films.
Sensing the headless horseman was too much for Darragh, I asked if he wanted to play a game. Darragh perked up and agreed. I pulled a box labeled SEQUENCE from the shelf beneath the TV. I laid a board covered with pictures of playing cards on the coffee table. “It’s like connect four,” I said. Darragh’s face remained blank. “Ah, right. Basically, you draw seven playing cards. When it’s your turn, you play a card and place a chip on a corresponding space on the board.” I gave him a bag of green chips. “When you get five in a row, that’s a Sequence. If you get two Sequences, you win.” I shuffled the cards. “Easy enough, right?”
Darragh furrowed his brows but nodded.
I won the first five games.
Darragh threw his cards down after I uttered, “Sequence,” for the tenth time.
“Wine?” I left for the kitchen and returned with two glasses. I pushed a glass across the table and made myself comfortable. Darragh uncrossed his arms to take a sip, his eyes never leaving the board. “Could you like, try to win one?” I joked. Darragh’s lids drooped in annoyance. Already feeling brave from the wine, I smiled and said, “I’ll make out with you if you win.” Darragh fumbled with the chip he held. His eyes set on me, and a muscle flexed in his jaw. He gave me one purposeful nod. I took another sip, hoping to drown each of the butterflies in my stomach. I planned a spot to place my chip. During Darragh’s turn, he used a wild card and placed his chip where I’d wanted to go.
Damnit .
I placed my chip somewhere else and prepared my next move. Once again, Darragh used a wild card and placed his chip where I’d planned to go. This happened four more times, before I said, quite frustrated, “You’re cheating.”
“Never.”
Darragh’s smirk suggested otherwise.
I planned my next move. Darragh placed his chip on the spot I wanted. “There’s no way this is chance.” I pointed angrily at the board. “Are you reading my mind?”
“No!”
“Then how’d you know I was going to go there?”
“Because you haven’t stopped staring at that space!”
Annoyed, I prepared my move and readied my chip. Once again, Darragh used a wild card and placed his token on the spot I’d planned. “Okay, I’m done! You’re cheating!” I threw my cards down, knocking over the discard pile. Despite Darragh discarding several wild cards during his turns, there weren’t any in the discard pile. It was all regular cards now, none of which matched the spots he’d played. Somehow, he’d made regular cards look wild.
“You rat,” I whispered.
Darragh peeked at me from beneath his lashes. “You wound me.” He shuffled the cards. “Let’s have another go.” I crossed my arms. Darragh continued without looking. “I didn’t realize kissing me was such a terrible thing.”
I stuck my chin out. “I don’t make out with rats.” Standing to clean the table, I grabbed a bowl half-filled with popcorn. The bowl didn’t move. I pulled harder, but it didn’t budge. Had I set it in something sticky? Was my table ruined?
Darragh smirked.
“Will you stop?” I swatted him with a pillow. I grabbed the bowl and heaved. The bowl flew up with ease. Popcorn exploded everywhere, and I slammed into the couch. Darragh sat amongst the popcorn as if nothing had happened.
“I’m not cleaning this up,” I snapped. Bits of kernels hung in Darragh’s hair, and I looked away to keep from laughing. Darragh finally broke and laughed. Beautiful and infectious, I couldn’t resist laughing too. Darragh waved and the popcorn disappeared. “Good.” I crossed my arms, like I’d achieved some victory. Darragh’s smile faded and his jaw set in a serious manner. His eyes filled with that sort of, hungry desire I’d come to see more and more these days. I fiddled with my sock. “Can I ask you something?”
Darragh’s body tensed.
“Have you ever…you know…with anyone?”
“What do you mean?”
“Sex?”
Darragh frowned. “Yes.” The silence in the room stretched on. “I’ve been with two partners.” It was his turn to fiddle with a loose piece of thread on his pants.
Only two? That’s not ideal .
I hadn’t said anything out loud, but Darragh winced.
“Hey!” I swatted his arm. “I knew you were reading my mind! You promised you wouldn’t do that!”
“I didn’t mean to,” Darragh growled. “It slipped.”
“What if I got you a gift, and I didn’t want you to spoil it?”
Darragh crossed his arms. “Yeah, what a lovely surprise. Happy Birthday: I think you’re going to be a shit lover.”
I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh.
“We’re not our first thoughts,” I said. “It’s what you choose to say and do that counts.” I touched his arm. “It doesn’t matter how many people you’ve been with, and I can be as patient as you need.”
Our conversation lapsed into silence.
“Was one of them Bowyn?” I finally asked.
He nodded.
“I knew it.”
“Just the once.” Darragh tucked hair behind his ear. “I want to be with you, more than I’ve wanted anything before. But…”
“You can tell me anything.”
Darragh’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “Since we’ve returned to Earth”—he shifted on the couch and dropped his voice to a whisper—“I can see her.”
I squinted around the room. “Who?” Darragh’s eyes darted to a corner of the apartment. I followed his gaze and saw nothing, but my skin tingled.
“The Queen.” Darragh exhaled. “She’s calling me back.”
I thought of Alyth. She hadn’t appeared since we left Hiraeth. I guessed she couldn’t make the journey. I wanted to tell Darragh, but I’d nearly suffocated the last time. The thought of my throat closing like that again… I took another sip of wine. Could Darragh’s Queen and my Alyth see each other? I imagined them having a conversation, calmly discussing the weather while Darragh and I spiralled into madness.
Darragh held his stomach and straightened.
“What?” I asked, setting my glass down.
“Agh!” Darragh doubled over and slid from the couch. On his hands and knees, he coughed .
“What! What’s wrong?” I knelt beside him. “Are you choking?!” Between coughs, Darragh shook his head, no. He arched his back like a cat and dry heaved. He threw up and heaved again.
What do I do?!
I inched closer but Darragh pushed me away. He heaved and an object fell from his throat. It hit the ground with a sharp ting . Drips of spit and blood trickled from Darragh’s lips. Dragging his arm across his mouth, Darragh picked up the mysterious shard. His fingers sizzled like a skillet as he rubbed it against his shirt. An ugly, red smear remained on the white fabric. Darragh held the shard to the light.
Glass—no, a mirror. For a fraction of a second, a wisp of red and black reflected in the mirror. Darragh covered his mouth as he looked at the shard. My eyes shifted between Darragh and the shard.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“She has Bowyn.” Darragh turned the mirror so I could see. An unkempt and beaten Bowyn stared back. Darragh leaned on the couch. He ran a hand through his hair.
The look on Darragh’s face frightened me. I responded by doing what I always do in an uncomfortable situation.
“At least it came up ,” I joked.
Darragh didn’t laugh.
***
Elwyn
Bowyn’s broad chest rose and fell as he slept against the rock wall. Like this, quiet and unanimated, even I admitted his beauty. I swished the goblet in my hand. Liquid sloshed against the edges.
I tossed it on Bowyn .
“What—” Bowyn awoke furiously. He wiped water from his eyes and looked down at his drenched robe. Boots scuffed rock as Bowyn leapt to his feet and loomed over me. Arms raised, he readied to strangle whoever had woken him so unkindly. I glared at him, refusing to cower beneath his hulking presence. As Bowyn recognized me, the rage slipped from his face. Curling his lip, he sneered. “Ugh.” He leaned against the wall and slid back down.
“You will help me get Darragh back.”
Bowyn clasped his face in his hands. “My precious Elwyn, you really are obsessed.” His shoulders drooped and his hands fell away. “Can’t you just leave Darragh be?”
“I will have him,” I seethed.
“Why must everyone place their happiness in others? Why can’t you be like me?”
“A narcissist?”
“Content with myself,” Bowyn snarled. He brushed dirt from his robe and continued, “Aren’t you afraid if he returns, the Queen will kill him?”
“I’d rather be with him in death than live without him.”
Bowyn cringed and stared at me piteously. From below, he managed to look down on me. “I hope for both your sakes he never sets foot in this wretched bastille again.” I wanted to rip his smug, pitying eyes out. “You can’t get everything you want, Elwyn.” Bowyn laughed and tapped his chest. “And that’s coming from me.”
He wasn’t going to help me.
I’d never see Darragh again.
I swallowed the anger that swelled in my belly and crouched beside him. “Please! I can get you out of here!”
Bowyn threw his head back and laughed. “Has Darragh not endured enough?” He scoffed. “I will not lure him back to die.”
“You’ll die!”
Bowyn pushed me away. “I’ve had a grand run. If this is how I go, so be it. At least my body will be young and beautiful.”
I stared at his neck, wondering what it would be like to wring it. “We’ll see about that.”
“What’s going on in here?” The Truth entered. Ophyr strode in behind her.
“What’s he doing here?” I glared at Ophyr.
The Truth pointed at Bowyn and said, “He wanted to have a go.”
I glared at Bowyn.
You will be sorry you didn’t help me .
“I want to watch,” I said.
The Truth straightened, a smile tugging her cheek. “Very well.” She knelt before Bowyn. “I’m sorry, but this won’t be pleasant.” She brushed a finger down Bowyn’s arm. “Darragh must feel you suffer.”
Ophyr approached, examining Bowyn.
“His eyes,” I said.
Bowyn’s beautiful, chocolate eyes fell on me.
I smiled.