Chapter thirty-one
the horrors persist, but so does love
I choked out swamp water and fell on the rocky shore beneath Senan’s hut. “Why?” I gagged out more water. “Why do we have to do it that way?”
“I’m sorry,” Darragh apologized. “When you’re fighting for your life, you divert all your energy to survival. We harness that energy for the trip.”
“I hate it,” I spit, yanking swamp weed from my hair. Darragh helped me up.
“Excuse me? A hand?” Marlowe shouted from the swamp. A flame enveloped Darragh’s hand as he reached to help. Marlowe, unimpressed and wet, glared at Darragh. “How pleasant.” He crawled out of the water himself. Wasting no time, I headed to the old tree behind Senan’s hut. I tore the bark aside and grabbed the pendant. Tension eased from my shoulders as I clutched it to my chest.
“Do you have a strap I can put this on?” I asked Darragh. He undid his hair and handed me a long piece of leather. I slid the pendant on the strap and tied it around my neck. A tingle of power flowed through me. I shivered .
“Where’d you find him?” Alyth, suddenly at my side, nodded at Marlowe. He stood on the shore, bickering with Darragh. Neither of them noticed Alyth.
“Earth. We brought him back.”
Alyth crinkled her nose.
“I’m going to use the bathroom,” I called, and pointed at Senan’s hut. Darragh stopped arguing long enough to give me a thumbs up. The stairs were permanently down now and I climbed them. Alyth waited below, watching Marlowe.
Despite the overflowing shelves, there was a sense of emptiness in Senan’s hut. I skirted a pile of crates and passed a particularly marvelous skull. Ten beautiful antlers crowned the skull—a purple sachet dangled from one.
“Oh!” The sachet of lavender from Sasha. On Halloween, he’d mentioned it would ward off evil spirits, or something?
The same night Turner attacked Kristina, the night I killed him…
“Fat lot of good that did me.” I unhooked the sachet, and it tingled with energy. A memory lurked amongst the dried buds. I let it wash over me…
Senan sat before the fire, well-used mug in his lap. With a great crash, the front door blew open and Darragh backed in. He carried something heavy in his arms.
Senan gasped.
Darragh carried a body.
Darragh jerked his chin at the table and all the items, which was a great many items, soared across the room and collided with the wall. Senan rose to his feet. “My teacups!”
“Damn your teacups!” Darragh slammed the body on the table. Senan didn’t recognize it, but I did.
It was mine.
Senan bellowed, “What’s gotten into you, boy?!”
Darragh pressed his ear to my chest and listened. He sagged against my body, resting his forehead on my chest. He breathed, “She’s alive.”
Senan took a step back, blinking rapidly. “She’s not from here, is she?!” Darragh ignored Senan. He knelt beside my body, poking and prodding my side. Senan said, “If the Queen finds out…”
“You’re one to talk, old man.”
“I am old! I’ve lived my life. You’ve barely started yours and you’re going to throw it away.” Darragh said nothing, his concentration entirely on me. Senan stroked his beard and sighed. He grabbed a blanket and folded it. “Here, let me help.” Scampering over, Senan wadded the blanket beneath my head.
“Thank you,” Darragh muttered.
“You’ll be the death of me, you know that?”
“Are you ready to go?” Darragh’s voice snapped me from the vision. As it bled away, both Darragh and Marlowe came into view.
“I, uh, sorry. I still need to use the bathroom.” Darragh’s eyes narrowed as I sheepishly went to find the bathroom.
When I rejoined them, Marlowe shouted, “My turn!” and pranced away before Darragh could stop him.
“Touch nothing!” Darragh shouted.
When Marlowe was out of earshot, I rounded on Darragh. “That first night you brought me to Hiraeth…you said Turner hurt me, right?”
Darragh straightened. “He did.”
“Nothing else happened?”
Darragh rubbed a hand over his mouth. “No—”
“Much better!” Marlowe waltzed out. Somehow, he’d managed to change his outfit. He tucked a flowing white shirt into tight black pants, and pulled on a knee-length, leathery black jacket. I noticed a gold earing, and a gold medallion tucked into the opening of his shirt.
“Put those back.” Darragh pointed behind him.
Marlowe raised his palms. “They’re mine.”
“No, they’re not.”
“Listen, Senan may have been your grandfather, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t deal with my ilk.” A muscle twitched in Darragh’s neck; his hand flexed at his side. “Look!” Marlowe spun and slid his hands down his body. “They fit me like a glove.” Marlowe winked as he walked by me.
Darragh gave Marlowe a thorough, prodding look. “He thinks you like the pants,” he said bitterly.
“Ah.” My eyes lingered on Marlowe’s “pants”. They did fit him very well. Darragh crossed his arms over his chest. “Sorry—were you saying something?” I smiled.
Darragh’s face said, you are unbelievable .
“He looks even better in leather than I imagined,” I teased. Darragh cracked his knuckles as we followed Marlowe down the stairs and out to the edge of the marsh.
“You first.” Darragh pointed Marlowe across the water.
“I’d be delighted.” Marlowe bowed. “Single file. No pushing now.” Marlowe walked with his arms out, as if balancing on a beam in the water. I half expected Darragh would plant one boot on the square of Marlowe’s back and send him to the marsh elver. Surprisingly, we all made it to the other side unharmed.
“Ugh, I already miss the lovely ease of pavement under my boot,” Marlowe said. A shrill screech rang out in the trees. Marlowe straightened and pranced around to hide behind Darragh. “I’ve assessed the situation and I do believe I’ll let you handle this,” Marlowe whispered, close to Darragh’s ear.
“Get away from me!” Darragh swatted at Marlowe. “I’ll go ahead. Follow me slowly.” To Marlowe, he added, “If I catch you looking at her, I’ll burn you in those boots. Do you understand? ”
Marlowe saluted and Darragh walked on. “Oh, look at him go! Our little fiery godmother!” Darragh shook his head and stalked ahead. Marlowe lowered his voice. “You know, I reckon he’ll do anything for you, but you really can do better, my dear. Does he ever smile? Just a black cloud all the time—”
I smiled and kept walking. The more I learned of Marlowe’s character, the less his allure worked on me. He felt slimy and left me feeling desperately uncomfortable. One-on-one, I was worried what he might say, or what I might admit. As if anything I said could and would be used against me in a court of Marlowe.
Marlowe pointed at my chest. “That’s an interesting necklace.”
“Thanks.”
“How did you come by it?”
“Found it.” I picked at my lip.
“And where did you find it?”
I turned on Marlowe. “Why do you want to know?”
“Give it to me,” Marlowe urged.
His eyes flashed silver so quickly, I wondered if I imagined it. Alyth appeared at my side, and together we firmly said, “No.”
“Hey!” Darragh shouted. He pointed at Marlowe, and then in front of himself. “Where I can see you! Right now!”
Marlowe threw his head back and laughed. “Oh, Eleanor. I’m just kidding!” He punched my arm. “Don’t take everything so seriously.” Marlowe’s eyes lingered over my shoulder. Flashing a broad smile, he trod on. “Is the coast clear, my boy?”
I glanced at Alyth.
Her eyes widened, confirming what I suspected.
He might pretend otherwise but…Marlowe could see her.
“Do not trust him,” Alyth whispered .
We had to be getting close. Tired and hot, I stared at my feet while we walked. One foot in front of the other. Up ahead, Marlowe’s crashing footfalls ceased. He and Darragh stood on the crest of a hill at the edge of the treeline. We’d made it back to Darragh’s cottage. The relief was overwhelming, and I quickened my pace. I searched the ground for nettle as I joined Darragh and Marlowe.
Then my heart stopped.
The clearing, normally abundant with greenery and life, was dark. I batted away a wisp of ash. The sprawling wildflower meadow was gone. Darragh’s gardens were charred. Black soot lined the westernmost walls of the cottage.
Burned.
All of Darragh’s work. His effort, his escape.
Everything was gone.
Achingly quiet, Darragh’s chest rose and fell as he stared at the wreckage—at his home. Marlowe broke the agonized silence. “Bad luck, old chap.” He elbowed Darragh. “You really should think about finding a new avenue of employment. You know, you sneer at us actors, but you’re quite handsome yourself. You would do well—”
Darragh punched Marlowe.
“Oh!” I nearly toppled over as Marlowe dropped between us.
He did not get back up.
Alyth laughed riotously.
Darragh started down the ashy path. An invisible force dragged Marlowe behind him. I caught sight of the nettle and stepped over. Darragh dragged Marlowe through it. Curled and dead shrubs lay on either side of the path. Darragh focused on the cottage ahead. Tears welled as my feet crunched on charred twigs, each one belonging to something Darragh had cared for. Darragh took a side path around the cottage, which led to a small shed. He opened the door and Marlowe slid inside. Without a word, Darragh slammed the door and headed back the way he’d come.
Alyth didn’t move. “I’m going to stay and watch him.”
I mouthed, ‘ Okay,’ and trudged back around the cottage.
Darragh was crouched by a pile of burned items. He dragged a hand along his face and left the pile, entering the cottage. The big bay window in the den was blown in. Char marks marred the bottom of the loft. “It’s not safe for us up there. I’ll have to fix it,” Darragh said, absently. For the most part, the inside of Darragh’s home remained unharmed. The conservatory was untouched completely, as if whoever had pillaged the place was interrupted, or ran out of time. “I’m going to clean up,” Darragh said, turning to leave.
“I’ll help—”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Whoever did this might still be around.”
“I’ll be careful. I just want to help—”
“Nell,” Darragh said, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve lost enough today. Stay inside.” Darragh shut the door as he left. For a fraction of a second, I considered following him. I reminded myself that Darragh was hurting more than I could imagine… I bit my tongue and remained inside. Planning to sweep up the glass shards from below the window, I searched for the broom.
Where’s the rug ?
The rug that covered the floor, the one Darragh’s father made, was gone. So was the tapestry that hung above the fireplace. “No.” I hurried up the ladder and peered into the loft. The beautiful, handwoven blanket which had adorned the bed was gone.
Whoever was here, they burned them.
That’s what the pile out front was—each of Santiana’s handwoven pieces turned to ash. I crept down the ladder and peered out the window. Darragh was on his knees at the edge of one destroyed garden, methodically pulling out burned twigs and sticks. For a moment, Darragh held still; he stared at the remains of his sanctuary.
Death smiled back, mocking.
Whether it was the townspeople who burned Darragh’s home, or the Truth on the way back from Senan’s, I wasn’t sure. Either way, there was only one message left amongst the ruins, meant just for Darragh: If you find something to love, just remember… we can burn things too.
Darragh’s shoulders sagged, and he resumed pulling out dead plants.
In the conservatory, I dragged several large, terra-cotta pots to the corner. I found the broom, which usually swept the house of its own accord. It wouldn’t help me, so I swept the floor myself. Once finished, I walked out and examined the scorched, weakened beams of the loft. Definitely shouldn’t walk up there. I climbed the ladder and grabbed a corner of the thin mattress. I pulled it over the edge and leapt out of the way as it teetered and fell into the den. After dragging the mattress into the conservatory, I collected candles. I set them up around the conservatory, amongst plants and on shelves—
“What are you doing?” Darragh stood in the doorway. He wore a stony, emotionless expression. No matter how I tried to meet his eyes, Darragh wouldn’t oblige. He trained his gaze low—as if that might hide the pain that tinged his nose and eyes red.
“I thought we could stay in here tonight.”
Away from the carnage .
Darragh grunted in agreement and left. He returned with an armful of quilts and blankets. As Darragh walked by, candles sputtered to life, a wave of flame in the falling night. He tossed the blankets on the mattress. I arranged the blankets, none of which looked or felt special, while Darragh relocated candles that I’d placed too close to his plants. He moved sullenly, his strides lacklustre and slow. The air of loss was palpable, and I recognized someone about to shatter.
“I know it’s not much,” I started. “But, I’m here.”
“I’m glad you weren’t here when they came,” Darragh said. “If anything happened to you…” He sighed. “Believe it or not, this was probably the best-case scenario.” Despite the painful ache in my chest, my cheeks warmed. Darragh loved his gardens, yet I knew that, if he had to choose everything he had here, or me…he’d choose me. I took his hand.
My heart fluttered as he pulled away.
Darragh’s head fell. “Why are you here?”
“I… What do you mean?” I asked.
“Why would you want me?” Darragh turned an angry scowl on me. “I have nothing !” He jabbed a finger at his chest. “I have nothing to give you!”
“I—I don’t understand,” I stammered. “Where is this coming from?”
“Look around!” Darragh yelled. “I have nothing to offer but a life filled with loneliness and contempt and scorn!”
“I don’t need anything!” I shouted. “I don’t need anything but you! I don’t care what everyone else thinks!”
Here in the darkness, I see you, and I want every part of you.
Lightning lit the glass conservatory, streaking across the sky like a silent, white river. A clap of thunder rang out, and the glass panes vibrated. The pitter-patter of fat raindrops fell heavy on the glass. I tried to get close to Darragh, but he pushed me away. “No. I won’t condemn you to this broken life with me.”
“I’m not here to fix you!” I yelled. “I’m here to love you—” My breath hitched, and I caught myself.
Don’t cry .
DON’T cry .
My gentle sniffle broke the silence.
I cried.
“No.” Darragh scrunched his face. “Don’t say that.”
Another crack of lightning, followed by a long, low rumble of thunder. Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I threw my arms out. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Darragh took an unwavering step forward. His hand curled behind my neck and guided my face to his. Darragh’s lips crashed against mine with such urgency, they knocked the breath from me. At that moment, I didn’t want air—I breathed him in. Smokiness tickled my nose, like the brief, catching scent of a campfire on the breeze. Darragh held my face, and his rough, calloused fingers traced circles along my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m furious, but not at you.” Resting his forehead on mine, Darragh whispered, “Never at you.”
Sliding his arms around me, Darragh nodded at the table. Plants and candles slid aside as Darragh picked me up and sat me on the tabletop. Easing between my legs, Darragh’s fingers grazed my throat as he kissed me again—a perfect, thorough kiss that curled my toes. My fingers tangled in his hair, found the nape of his neck, and pulled him closer.
It wasn’t close enough.
Tugging Darragh’s shirt from his pants, I slid my hands around the small of his back. I savoured the warmth of his skin. Darragh shivered and pulled away, so our lips barely touched. His keen eyes met mine. Flickering candlelight danced on Darragh’s skin as he searched me. I let him look, dared him to find a fault or lie in any word I’d spoken.
And I saw it.
The decision.
Darragh’s throat tightened, and whether he meant to or not, his head nodded. Only a tiny movement, but I saw it. As if, after denying himself for so long, he finally gave himself permission. Whatever battles he fought, I didn’t know. But I know that, at that moment, a choice was made.
Darragh chose me.
When he kissed me, everything vanished. The acrid stink of burned land, the pitter-patter of rain pelting glass—it all disappeared. There was only him, and I opened myself to him. In that moment charged with sorrow and loss, with love and desire…I chose him right back. This time when Darragh kissed me, I couldn’t contain myself. A low moan escaped my lips.
I needn’t ask twice.
Darragh grunted as he tore my shirt open.
“Your shirt!” I blurted against his mouth.
“I can fix it,” he growled, his voice muffled as his lips moved down my chest. He slid one breast in his mouth, biting my nipple playfully. I sucked in a quick breath, and he brought his lips back to mine. He pulled me against his chest, and I wrapped my legs around him. Heaving me into his arms, Darragh’s heart pounded as he carried me. He laid me on the mattress, and in one fluid movement, the weight of his body pressed on me. He nudged my legs apart, resting his knee between them. Darragh’s hands roamed my skin, sending sparks of excitement wherever they touched. I slid a hand down—
“Not yet.” Darragh caught my wrist, dragging it back to his chest. “I want to enjoy you as long as I can.” Trailing kisses down my throat, Darragh tore the shirt further. I resisted the urge to cover myself. He wouldn’t have let me anyway. Darragh’s eyes met mine as he unbuckled my pants and slid them away. Darragh dragged his fingers along my thigh as he crept back on top. He kissed me, letting his hand rest between my legs. Two fingers brushed against me. Darragh pulled away, his lips barely touching mine. “I’ve waited for you,” he murmured, “for a very long time. ”
“What happens, now that you have me?” I reached down again, but Darragh caught my hand.
Sliding my underwear aside, Darragh slipped his fingers in. His eyes held mine as he rubbed lazy circles against me. “I’m going to bring you close,” he whispered. “Until you’re begging for me.” He stroked me harder. “Only then will you have me.”
That won’t take long .
Darragh kissed me, stroking his fingers back and forth. I moaned and bucked my hips into his hand. Darragh smiled against my lips and pushed a finger into me, then a second. He moved in and out, slowly building pleasure. A soft, satisfied whimper left my throat and Darragh groaned. His fingers slid in and out. I was already so close. I couldn’t take it much longer—Darragh’s hand found mine, and he nestled it between his legs. He was firm, and ready…and I wanted him.
It took every ounce of self-control, but I pushed Darragh away. Breathing deep, I forced myself to calm down as I crawled out of his reach. Darragh smirked. He yanked his shirt off and tossed it aside. His hair, tousled and unkempt, fell against his chest. Glistening with sweat, it heaved up and down. I prowled forward and pushed him back. Just as he had with mine, I tore his pants off.
Unlike me, Darragh did not wear anything beneath his pants.
And he was very excited to see me.
I trailed my fingers in a circle against Darragh’s thigh. “Maybe I’ll just wait over here, and we’ll see who’s begging for—”
Darragh pounced. One arm wrapped my midsection and dragged me to the head of the mattress. With a low grunt, Darragh ripped my underwear off and tossed them aside. He slid between my legs and slipped an arm beneath my back.
“Wait-wait-wait,” I said. Darragh stiffened, alarmed. “ I—I didn’t bring any protection… I don’t want to get pregnant,” I said breathlessly.
“I take something,” Darragh replied. “You don’t have to worry.”
“Really?” I said, surprised. “What?”
Darragh leaned in, his warm breath brushed my ear. “Do you really want me to get into it now?” I shivered. There was only one thing I wanted him to get into. Darragh let out a low moan—he pressed himself against me, teasing me.
“I trust you—”
Darragh’s lips crashed against mine as he pushed into me. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment. “Nell,” Darragh growled, “look at me.” I forced my eyes open, meeting Darragh’s gaze as he pushed into me again. I moaned and Darragh’s arm tightened around my back. I felt each corded muscle as he pulled me against his chest. The pleasure built as Darragh pushed deeper. My fingers gripped the hair on the back of his neck, pulling him close. I kissed him, begging his lips to let me in. I lured his tongue out with mine and bit it.
A guttural noise resonated in Darragh’s throat, and he thrust harder. He wound my hair around his hand and gripped it like a rope. Wrenching my head back, Darragh kissed my throat. Goosebumps prickled my skin as Darragh thrust harder and deeper and—
I couldn’t take it any longer. I let go. All the tension and restraint exploded into pleasure, and joy, and happiness. I arched my back as my climax coursed through me. “Yes!” I screamed. “Yes, yes!”
My cries undid him. Darragh moaned and thrust faster. Holding me so tight my ribs hurt, Darragh didn’t slow down. Trembling and panting, his hand found the back of my neck. He pulled me in for one, final, hungry kiss and—
He stilled.
Darragh’s entire body tensed, and he groaned against my lips.
For one precious moment, we were one. There was nothing but euphoria and bliss and our arms wrapped around one another. And as our chests heaved and sweat poured down our feverish bodies, I smiled. Darragh quivered and smiled back, a wondrous, excited thing that lit up his face. I knew how he felt…because I felt it too.
I’m fucked , I thought.
I’m in love.
Darragh eased beside me, wrapping an arm possessively over my belly. We lay naked, admiring one another. An intoxicating glow shimmered on Darragh’s skin. I traced his cheek, brushing dark curls aside. Darragh caught my hand and kissed it, his gaze never leaving mine. As our breathing calmed, the pitter patter of rain echoed against the glass.
“I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way,” Darragh whispered.
“How?”
As if the fervor in his eyes wasn’t answer enough.
“Every day, I feel the kiss of fire…it’s an ember compared to the way my skin burns when I’m with you. You leave me witless, and I hardly trust myself to speak. It’s humiliating and exhilarating all at once.” He swallowed hard. “Though, it frightens me.”
“Why?”
“I fear all of this will be taken away.” Darragh spoke so quietly, I could barely hear him. “I fear I’ll lose you, and that fear consumes me.” He traced a finger along my lips. His brows knitted, and a cold seriousness came over him. “I would give my life for you.”
A tense chuckle sputtered out of me. “I already had sex with you. You don’t have to say that.”
Darragh didn’t laugh. His hand found my chin, and he held my gaze. “I’m serious, Nell. If anything happened to you… ”
“Hey—I’m fine. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” I reassured. The glow faded from Darragh’s complexion. His eyes wandered to the middle distance and the creases between his brows deepened. I watched helplessly as the worry crept back, silencing him. “What’s wrong?” I nudged his face back to mine.
“Nothing.” Darragh’s cheeks tugged into a smile, but his eyes were empty. As if someone sought to tear me away, Darragh’s body tightened around me. “We have tonight. Just…sleep in my arms for one night, okay?”
I nodded, enjoying Darragh’s warmth.
Even if a cold unease settled in my belly.
Sleep did not come easy. I hadn’t slept next to someone in a long time, and Darragh emitted an unbearable heat. Once his breathing slowed, I did my best to scooch away—Darragh’s arm flexed around my waist. Without waking, he dragged me back and buried his face in my hair.
I didn’t try to escape again, even if I was a little hot.