Chapter thirty-five
a fond farewell
D arragh was gone.
Elwyn must have moved him.
I left the room, feeling disheartened. Where would Elwyn have put him? I leaned against the wall and rubbed my temples.
Crunch-crunch-crunch .
What was that?! Something wriggled at my side.
“Ah!” I tossed my squirming satchel away. A furry, brown critter crawled half out, a piece of dried fruit dangling from his mouth. “Hey, get out of here!” I dumped him out. Standing on hind legs, he pawed at the satchel. He pointed at his mouth, clearly wanting more fruit. I softened. The little dude was pretty cute. “Oh, fine.” I snuck him another bit and he devoured it. “What’s your name, little guy?” He rubbed his cheek against my shin, and I scratched his ear. “You look kinda…stoaty.” Giving him another piece of fruit, I asked, “You wouldn’t happen to know where Darragh is, do you?” St oat caught the sleeve of Darragh’s sweater in his paws. Sniffing it, he paused. He sniffed it again, confirming a suspicion. Stoat bounced away on all fours, like a weasel.
“Bye, I guess?”
Stoat reappeared, standing on hind legs. He tugged my pants and grabbed for my hand. I obliged, and he led me down the hall. It hurt my back to walk hunched over, but his claws dug into my flesh every time I pulled away. Footsteps sounded from somewhere in the mountain. Stoat climbed my leg, squirreled around my midsection, and landed on my shoulder.
I scratched his chin, and he batted me away, as if to say, ‘ There’s no time for that!’ He pointed ahead. ‘Onward!’ When we came to a fork in the passage, Stoat pointed one way and squeaked. As we walked, he’d occasionally tug my hair. I quickly learned this meant, ‘ Stop!’ Once stopped, Stoat leaned forward, paw backing his ear, and listened. When he decided it was safe, he pointed and squeaked, “ Go go go!” We continued that way until we came to a wooden door, high in the mountain. Stoat squirreled down my leg and jumped up and down, pointing at the door.
“Okay, yes, I got it.” I cracked the door and peered in. Darragh lay in a bed, unconscious. “Oh, shit!” I snuck inside. Stoat scrambled in and shut the door behind us. A grim red-black puddle stained the floor, and a coppery, sick smell filled the room. The hair on the back of my neck tingled. I crept around the bed to Darragh. A mess of bloody handprints surrounded the windowsill. I didn’t want to know what happened in this room. I just wanted to get Darragh out. “Darragh,” I whispered.
Nothing.
I listened to his chest. It rose and fell as he breathed. “Darragh?”
Nothing.
“ Squeak! ” Stoat leapt up and down by the door.
Footsteps .
“Frig.” I scurried around the bed, slipping only slightly on the stain, and dove into a wardrobe just as the door clicked open. A wide strip of light ran the height of the wardrobe, where the doors didn’t quite meet. I peered through.
“I’m back.” Elwyn skirted the bed and knelt beside Darragh. She withdrew a small bottle from her pocket, unstoppered it, and swirled it beneath his nose. As Darragh roused, Elwyn looked like she might explode with glee.
“She’s dead!” Elwyn shouted.
“Who’s dead?!” Darragh grabbed the neck of Elwyn’s dress.
“The Queen’s dead!” Elwyn spoke quickly, trembling with excitement. “I killed her!”
Darragh sighed and released Elwyn. “Best wishes on the promotion.”
I cringed at the disdain in his words. Elwyn didn’t notice. “We can finally be together, just like you said.” Elwyn placed her hand in Darragh’s lap. Darragh swatted it away. He tossed the blankets aside and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.
“You’re on your way to being the next queen,” Darragh said. “We can’t be together.” He snatched his clothing from a chair. “Did Nell make it out?”
“What’s it matter if I become the queen?” Elwyn demanded. “I’ll convince the people to have you as king. We’ll rule together.”
“Not if I have anything to say about,” Darragh muttered. He may as well have slapped Elwyn across the cheek.
“But you said!”
“I lied!” Darragh’s face twisted into an ugly snarl. “I’m a liar!”
“I don’t—I don’t understand,” Elwyn stuttered as Darragh yanked on his pants. “Please,” she whimpered.
“My answer is no.” Darragh’s voice muffled as he pulled his shirt on. He repeated, “Did Nell make it out?”
“But why?” Elwyn begged. “Why can’t you love me?” She plodded after Darragh as he headed for the door, toward me and the wardrobe. “What’s that girl have that I don’t?”
Darragh whirled on Elwyn. “It doesn’t matter what she has that you don’t! What matters is that I loved her and now she’s gone!” Darragh’s breath caught, surprised by his own words. He ran his hands through his hair. “She’s gone,” he repeated.
Elwyn’s sobs broke the silence.
“I’m sorry, Elwyn.” Darragh softened. Tentatively, he reached out and rubbed Elwyn’s shoulder. He smiled and said, “The Queen is dead. You’re free. You’re free to choose someone to rule with you…but it isn’t me.” With a weary voice he whispered, “I’m going home.”
Elwyn looked pitifully up at Darragh. Blinking back tears, she looked past him—straight at me. We made eye contact through the split in the doors. Oh, fuck .
Elwyn’s eyes widened. She threw her arm to the side and Darragh flew across the room. The doors to the wardrobe blew open and invisible hands dragged me out.
“Nell!” Darragh jumped up. Elwyn threw her hand out and Darragh’s arms snapped to his sides. He crashed to his knees, where he struggled against the binds of her magic. I scrambled to my feet, arms raised to protect myself.
“If you don’t have to uphold your end of the bargain,” Elwyn said, smiling wickedly, “then neither shall I.” Dark streaks veined from Elwyn’s wide, burning eyes. I backed toward the door. With each step Elwyn took, she grew taller, more menacing.
“Elwyn, please!” Darragh begged. “She’s not the reason we can’t be together. Please look at me!” Elwyn stalked forward. A blue flame enveloped her hands. Just like—
“You’re my daughter.”
Darragh.
The fire in Elwyn’s hands sputtered and died. The shadows around her grew weak and faded. Mouths agape, we both stared at Darragh. There couldn’t be more than ten years between them. Darragh was ten when the Queen…
“I’ve suspected for a while now, but…” Darragh stared at Elwyn’s hands, as if he could still see the flames. He told me he’d only ever been with two people Bowyn and—
“The Queen gagged me,” Darragh said. “I couldn’t tell you.”
Elwyn’s face froze as she processed what he’d said. She recoiled and snarled, “You’re lying!”
“Take my hand. I’ll show you!”
“Liar!” Elwyn screamed. “You’re lying to protect her!” Elwyn rounded on me, her chest heaving furiously.
“Look at me!” Darragh bellowed. His biceps bulged as he fought Elwyn’s magic, but it was no use.
Elwyn pointed at me, and my legs stiffened. She swept her hand toward the ceiling, and I lifted. Flames erupted beneath me and the heat licked my calves. The clothes from Marlowe helped a bit—they kept me from burning alive, at least.
“What’s she have that I don’t?!” Elwyn shrieked. “Is she powerful? She certainly doesn’t look it!”
Beads of sweat dripped down my temples, the room turned hazy from the flames…
“Look at me!” Darragh pleaded. “You’re mad at me! Not her!” Elwyn released her hold and I plummeted. Rolling from the fire, I clambered up. I called to the shadows on the floor .
Nothing.
I didn’t understand.
Had Elwyn bound me? My eyes darted to Darragh, bound on the floor. No…Elwyn hadn’t bound me, she’d bound Darragh.
It hit me.
I couldn’t use magic, because Darragh couldn’t use magic.
I’d never had any to use.
Elwyn laughed. Hysterical, hateful laughter. “Well, she’s perfectly basic, isn’t she?” Darragh made eye contact with me, as if by some miracle I hadn’t heard. Elwyn looked at me piteously. “Perfectly powerless.”
Darragh tried to explain. “Nell, I—”
“Shut up,” Elwyn snapped.
Anytime I’d used magic, it was Darragh.
Or Bowyn.
Or Alyth.
This whole time, I’d only been a conduit. I was just an ordinary human. They’d used me as a puppet.
I don’t belong here .
“What? You didn’t know?” Elwyn brought her hands up and slammed them down. A crushing blow hammered me. My legs buckled. Airy pops echoed from my knees, and I fell. “Look at you.” Elwyn laughed, kicking me sideways. My head bounced against the rock, and I blinked as the room blurred. “You’re pathetic.” Flames kindled around me in a wide circle. Elwyn knelt and brushed sweat-soaked hair from my face. “If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have lied to you.” She stood, calling to the shadows. They swirled around her, gaining strength. “You really should have stayed on Earth, where you belong.” She raised the shadows above her head.
As Elwyn prepared one final blow, two things happened at once.
Darragh bellowed, “No!” just as Stoat bounced from under the bed. He stood on his hind legs in front of me, his arms up against Elwyn. Elwyn’s lips parted when she saw him. She couldn’t stop her attack; she redirected the shadows at the wardrobe. It exploded and bits of wood shot through the room like shrapnel. Shards and splinters struck Elwyn. Blood trickled down her forearms and her face clouded with fury.
“I’m going to destroy you!” Elwyn shrieked. She took one step, and some force sent her flying back.
Smack !
Elwyn’s skull hit the rock and she crumpled to the floor.
Darragh turned from Elwyn and crawled over to me. “I’ve got you.” He slid an arm behind my back and the other beneath my legs. I shoved him away.
“I’m not magic?!” I pounded against his chest. “All this time, you lied to me!”
“I know. I know.” Darragh strained to keep a hold of me. “I know you’re mad. Let me get you out of here. Then I’ll take whatever you have to give me.” I shook my head, pushing him away. Darragh grabbed my wrist. “Nell.” Darragh’s irises danced back and forth as he searched my eyes. “Please.”
I exhaled one long, furious breath.
Reluctantly, I wrapped my arms around Darragh’s neck. He held me tight and struggled to his feet. “How’d you get in here?” he asked breathlessly.
I pointed at Stoat, who pawed at Elwyn’s chest. “Ratatouille,” I choked. Darragh looked confused. “It doesn’t matter. Is she…?”
“She’s alive. She’ll be okay.” Darragh kicked the door open and carried me out. He craned his neck, looking down the hallways. “Let’s just get out of here—”
Darragh fell and I smashed against the rocky floor. “Hhh!” My elbows screamed and I cradled them. Darragh’s palms scraped the rock as an invisible force dragged him back into the room.
“You’re not leaving!” Elwyn cried. Darragh threw his arm up and a flash of fire forced Elwyn back. She cowered against the flame, giving Darragh time to regain his footing. Hands raised, they circled one another.
This will end in death, for all of us, if I don’t do something .
The satchel I’d brought lay discarded on the floor. Moving slowly, I withdrew the orb tucked within.
I don’t belong here.
I clutched the orb in my hand. What had Senan said?
‘ If the relic breaks, it will send the user back to their home location. If you drop this and it shatters, you will go back to Earth .’
‘What about Darragh?’ I’d asked.
‘He will remain here.’
“Stop!” I raised the orb above my head. Darragh’s eyes locked on it—the bridge between our worlds—with deadly focus. “I may not be magic, but I’m not powerless.” I hurled the orb at the rocky floor. Before it shattered, Darragh thrust out his arm.
Time froze.
In a blink, we stood in an empty, moonlit plain.
“Where are we?”
Darragh tapped his temple. In a soft voice, he said, “Up here.”
“How long can you hold this?”
“Moments.”
“So, it’s true? I’m not magic at all, am I?” Darragh’s face crumpled, but he shook his head, no. “All this time, you lied to me.”
Darragh nodded. “But—”
“I don’t belong here,” I interrupted. “Bowyn, Elwyn— they’re both right.”
“You belong with me.” Darragh crossed the space between us and took my hands. “I want you here with me, now and always.” He stooped, meeting my eyes. “I’m free now.”
I pulled away. “You lied to me, from the start.”
“I did it to protect you,” Darragh said, his voice rising. “I’d do it again if I had to!”
I backed away. “Lying to someone isn’t protecting them!”
“I wanted to tell you; I did!” Darragh said. “But every day I loved you more and more, and I was afraid.” Rage distorted Darragh’s features. “I knew this would happen! As soon as you discovered the truth, you’d go!” Covering his face, Darragh turned away. He ran a hand through his hair, and after a brief silence, his shoulders sagged. “I thought… I thought if you believed you were magic, you’d stay here. With me.”
Every moment with Darragh replayed in my mind. A tiny bowl rocking back and forth, a fire sparking to life, all magic that I thought I’d done myself—it was all him. My gut roiled as I remembered the very first time I thought I’d used magic…
“You let me believe I killed a man!” I pointed an accusing finger at Darragh. “You killed Turner! And every day, you watched the guilt eat away at me!” Darragh winced but remained silent. “You were selfish, and you manipulated me!”
Darragh stood, helpless before me.
“People without magic don’t belong here!” I cried. “You jeopardized my safety every single day! That was a decision I should have made for myself!” I thudded my chest. “I deserve someone who tells me the truth!”
The words hung in the air.
I deserve honesty.
I knew what I had to do.
Darragh stepped in front of me, stooping so our eyes met. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.” I refused to look at him. Darragh took my face in his hands, drawing my gaze back. “Nell, I want to wake up every morning with you. I want to grow old with you. We can have a lifetime together.” His eyes searched mine. “I will give you everything.” He tapped his chest, his heart. “Everything I have, and everything I might have—it’s yours.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You don’t have to do this.” I looked at Darragh, at the face I wanted to see more than any other face in the world. I could forgive him, forget all the lies that crossed his lips… But another face came to mind. My own. Staring back at me in the mirror. Could I forgive myself for settling for this—this false life? I deserve better than a life of pretty lies. I deserve honesty.
If I was on my own, it might have been harder to make the decision. But all the courage, all the strength and bravery I’d learned on my journey was not gained for nothing. All this time I’d strived for happiness, and I thought I’d found it in Darragh. No, I would not allow his lies to break me. I would find happiness, and I would find it myself .
A tear fell from my cheek as I met Darragh’s eyes.
My beloved, I love you. But I love myself too.
And I am leaving you.
“Before I go…” Darragh hung his head, but I continued despite it. “I want my memories.”
Darragh sniffed, still looking at the ground. “Which memories?”
“You know which memories.” In my mind, a blank space still existed. The moment Turner died, to the moment I woke up on Hiraeth.
“Are you sure you want them?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’ll have them anyway.”
Darragh withdrew a scrap of paper from his pocket. As he unfurled it, I recognized my handwriting. He brushed his fingers along the paper, reluctant to let it go .
Darragh’s eyes met mine.
I stood on my toes and kissed him. My fingers found the back of Darragh’s neck and drew him close. A satisfied, guttural noise rumbled through his chest.
Remember this. Remember his arms holding you so tight you ache. This is the last time.
A tear tumbled down Darragh’s cheek as I pulled away. He whispered, so quietly I might not have heard if I didn’t already know what he meant to say. “Don’t go.”
“It’s time.”
Darragh grimaced. His calloused fingers rubbed the paper, reluctant to release it. Slowly, he did. The paper crackled with energy and, willing or not, I plunged into a memory.
Darragh’s memory.
Brick walls and garbage bins appeared. The alley behind my apartment. The night Kristina got hurt. The night Turner died.
Behind a dumpster, Darragh lurked in the dark. At the end of the alley, police officers helped Kristina into their cruiser. She’d told them what she remembered: A man had assaulted her. A woman stepped in to help, but both were gone when she regained consciousness. The officers hadn’t found anything suspicious. If they’d bothered to look, they might have discovered a curious amount of ash dusting the concrete.
But they hadn’t. No blood, no remains.
No body, no crime.
Darragh waited for the red and blue lights to fade. He crept from the shadows and climbed the steps to my apartment. The door was unlocked but offered resistance when Darragh tried to open it. He wedged the door open and peered inside.
His world came to a crashing halt.
My still body lay on the ground. Blood seeped along the dirty grout lines between tiles.
I remembered it now; how easy it was to slip away. I’d wanted it all to stop. The pain, the loneliness, the stress.
I’d given up.
Darragh sucked in his stomach and slid through the small opening. “No-no-no,” he uttered. There wasn’t room to kneel beside me, with one swift kick Darragh sent the kitchen table flying. It smashed into a side table and knocked over a lamp. The bulb shattered; glass shards spilled over the carpet. Darragh knelt, taking my head in his hands.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered. “Why didn’t you let me help you?” Sadness and fury coursed through Darragh—fury for my unwillingness to fight to survive, and heartache for the same reason. “I’ve just found you!” Darragh pressed shaky fingers to my throat, searching for a pulse. “You can’t leave me!” He leaned in, resting his ear against my chest.
Silence.
A guttural whimper left Darragh’s throat. He stood and backed away. Covering his face, he knelt into a fetal position. For several heartbreaking moments, he sat there, unmoving. Every loss—every failure—roiled and rose within Darragh. They cried, “Give up!” and he fought. He fought to hear his own thoughts over the screams.
Through the barrage, he found me. In his memory, I met him with a smile. And he found hope. This was not the end.
He would not allow it.
Darragh ran his hands through his hair and stood, eyes hard as stone. He approached my body, placed his hands on my wound, and closed his eyes. “If you don’t start breathing, you’ll have killed us both tonight.” Darragh focused on his heart, on his pulse. He forced it from himself, willing it to me. Eyes scrunched tight, Darragh listened for a second heart beating with his.
“Don’t give up,” he whispered. “Come back to me.” Darragh blocked out all the noises, the gentle hum of the refrigerator, his own laboured breathing…
I coughed.
Darragh’s eyes snapped open. He stilled, not daring to hope. My eyes lulled and I coughed again. A laugh sputtered out of Darragh, and tears spilled down his cheeks. Jumping behind me, he pulled me into a sitting position against his chest. We rocked back and forth while Darragh clutched my throat, savouring the feeling of my pulse against his fingertips. He buried his head in my hair and whispered, “I’ve got you.” His rough hand rubbed my chest, searching for a heartbeat, confirming he hadn’t made anything up.
I was alive.
Darragh sagged against the wall. His gaze travelled to the ceiling, and fresh tears welled along his lashes. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he tried to regain control of his breathing. A scrap of paper crinkled beneath him as he shifted. He picked it up. In my writing, the note said:
Sasha,
Turner did it.
I killed him.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.
P.S. Please take care of Watney. He’s gotten a little chunky so there’s diet food in the pantry.
Darragh laughed, dislodging tears from his chin. He curled tighter around me. “I can fix this. I can make you forget.” Darragh slipped from behind me and pressed a hand to my cheek. Slowly, a dull glow passed between us. “I’ll protect you from now on,” Darragh promised. He crammed the note in his pocket and snatched my phone from mine. Gentle taps thudded as his shaky fingers messaged Sasha, warning him I’d be out of town, and asking if he’d look in on Watney. Congealed blood still marred the floor, spread farther by Darragh’s boots. He waved at the blood; it pulled back and disappeared completely.
Darragh slipped an arm beneath my legs and picked me up. I wrapped around him and let my head rest between his shoulder and jaw.
Holding me in his arms, Darragh walked into the night.
Darragh’s memory faded. I felt the familiar whirling sensation of travelling back to Earth. As I fell between worlds, I heard a distant whisper.
May our light meet in the next life .
I gasped as I ripped through the surface of the lake. The November cold nearly killed me as I stumbled home. When I walked in, I found Sasha, wearing a scarf around his hair, scooping Watney’s litter.
“Hey, sis—” Sasha looked me over. Lake water dripped from my hair, and I shivered violently. Somehow, those things bothered me the least. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, though my lip trembled.
“Where’s your boy?”
The first of the tears came.
“Oh—oh honey,” Sasha ran to the sink and washed his hands. He hugged me. “Oh, sh, sh, sh, it’s okay.”
Once Sasha had calmed me down, I showered. I picked up the clothes on my bedroom floor. I watered my plant. I went to bed.
And I slept.