Chapter Twenty-Seven
On returning to Hope Hall, it didn’t take long for Cassie’s soaring spirits to be brought back down to earth with a monumental crash.
During the journey home from Dorset where they’d stayed the night at a charming hotel to break the long drive from Burgh Island, Cassie had promised herself that nothing would spoil her mood when they arrived home.
No matter the mess or general awkwardness of having a woman whom Cassie was predisposed to dislike on principle living with them, she would retain the loved-up happiness she was running high on.
But within minutes – no, make that seconds!
– of letting themselves in, her mood took an immediate nosedive.
They’d found Emily stretched out on one of the sofas, mobile in hand, thumb scrolling.
She’d looked up tiredly when Cassie greeted her with all the excited brightness of somebody bursting with news to share, namely the reason for the ring on her finger.
But at the lacklustre welcome, Cassie had felt peevishly cheated of her happy ta-daa moment and had determined not to say anything unless the ring was actually noticed.
There was no sign of Rosalyn or Finlay, but the polished streamlined perfection of the open-plan sitting and dining area had been decimated.
Painting and colouring things were spread over the large glass-topped table, lumps of brightly coloured Play-Doh appeared to have been flung far and wide as though fired with the aid of a scatter gun.
The rugs and wooden flooring had been turned into a minefield of toy cars, pieces of jigsaw puzzles and bits of Lego.
Over in the kitchen area, the worktops were covered with pots and pans, opened packets of pasta, biscuits and unwrapped cheese.
The sink was crammed full of dirty dishes.
The sight of the chaotic mess incensed Cassie but Ben smoothly took charge and suggested she go and unpack while he and Emily tidied up.
‘Don’t make any noise, Mum,’ Emily said, making a half-hearted attempt to haul herself off the sofa, ‘Finlay and Rosalyn are both in bed asleep.’
‘But it’s only eight o’clock,’ said Cassie, ‘why is Rosalyn in bed? Is she unwell?’
‘Way to go, Mum!’ Emily said with a roll of her eyes.
‘Of course she’s unwell, the man she loved has died and she’s worried sick about the future.
I’d have thought it was obvious, even to you, that she would be exhausted and would need to take care of her mental health by sleeping as much as she can.
Doing anything is just too much of a strain for her right now. ’
‘Right,’ said Cassie, thinking how lucky Rosalyn was to have the luxury of being able to sleep all her worries away.
When Cassie had been on her own all those years ago with Emily to care for and a job to hold down to pay the bills, she hadn’t taken to her bed like some pathetically incapable Victorian heroine.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ demanded Emily.
‘What?’ said Cassie.
‘Right’ Emily mimicked. ‘It was judgey and loaded with sarcasm and micro aggression.’
‘Rubbish!’ responded Cassie, furious at the accusation. ‘And if I was implying anything, it would be that maybe mollycoddling might not be the answer. In the long run it won’t help Rosalyn get herself back on her feet.’
Emily rounded on her. ‘Not everyone is as tough or as heartless as you.’
Over by the table where Ben was tidying up the painting things, he cleared his throat. ‘Your mother is not heartless, Emily. If she was, do you think she would have invited Rosalyn and her son to stay here with us?’
‘Dad said she was,’ Emily muttered. ‘He said that was why he was never allowed to see me when I was little. He told me that.’ She pointed a finger at Cassie. ‘You stopped me from knowing him properly and now that he’s dead I never will!’
At the downright unfairness of her daughter’s words, Cassie wanted to let rip with a torrent of angry denial, but she knew that to unleash even an atom of it would make things worse. ‘That’s absolutely not what happened,’ she said calmly, ‘and I’m sorry that Drew lied to you.’
‘He didn’t lie!’ roared Emily. ‘You’re the liar!’
Enough was enough, and deploying a salvo of sarcasm, Cassie said, ‘I thought we weren’t allowed to make any noise for fear of disturbing our guests?’
Emily glared at her and from behind them, Ben said, ‘I don’t think you’re being fair to your mother, Emily, and I’d sooner you didn’t raise your voice to her like that.’
Turning her glare on him now, Emily said, ‘Why, what will you do, send me to my room for being naughty?’
Never had Emily spoken to Ben like that and Cassie wasn’t going to stand for it. ‘Ems, I can see that you’re tired and upset, and that’s hardly surprising if you’ve been running around looking after Finlay on your own while we were away, but apologise to Ben this instant.’
‘No! And don’t you dare accuse me of being tired and emotional, that’s beyond insulting!’
But then as if to prove Cassie right, her face crumpled, and she burst into tears.
Seeing her daughter so distressed tore at Cassie’s heart and her anger instantly evaporated.
She went to her, but when Emily tried to push her away, Cassie held her close, just as she had countless times in the past when her precious baby girl had needed her.
Emily was still so young and in so much pain and it appalled Cassie that she hadn’t realised that sooner.
‘It’s okay, Ems,’ she quietly soothed, feeling Emily’s rigidly stiff body gradually relax against hers as she rubbed her back in small circular movements, ‘it’s all right, you let it all out, cry as much as you want. ’
‘We should have seen that coming,’ Ben said much later when they were in bed, their bedroom door shut, the lights switched off, and their voices lowered.
‘I feel like such a bad mother the way I went on the attack when she was rude to you,’ said Cassie. ‘How could I have not understood the state she was in with so much to cope with?’
‘No point in beating yourself up over that, the important thing is we’re here for her now.’
Yes, thought Cassie, recalling how Emily had allowed her to put her to bed and sit with her while stroking her hair until she fell asleep. That had always been Cassie’s go-to way to calm Emily when she’d been anxious or overtired and unable to sleep as a little girl.
‘She’s taken on so much with trying to support Rosalyn and look after Finlay,’ said Ben, breaking into Cassie’s thoughts. ‘And on top of that she’s also trying to deal with her own complicated emotions about Drew.’
Cassie sighed. ‘That’s very true. And I didn’t react the right way, did I, when she said Rosalyn was in bed?
All I could think of was how pathetic Rosalyn was being and how she was using my daughter as her personal slave, and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop being angry with Drew for putting Emily through this nightmare. ’
‘That’s not surprising,’ said Ben. ‘Like Emily, you need someone to blame for the situation we’re now in. That’s what Emily was doing when she had a go at us, she just needed to release the build-up of emotions she’s carrying around inside her.’
For some minutes they lay on their backs in silence. Was she, Cassie wondered, as heartless as Emily had earlier accused her of being?
Maybe she was, because that would explain why she was so irritated by Rosalyn’s inability to be the mother her little boy needed instead of handing over his care to Emily.
Why wasn’t Rosalyn doing something about planning her future and getting Finlay into school somewhere, instead of lolling around in bed and literally pulling up the covers over her head and hoping somebody else would solve all her problems?
I must be heartless, Cassie concluded, to regard Rosalyn so critically. Why couldn’t she be a better person and feel genuine compassion for Rosalyn, especially, and as ironic as it was, since they had something in common – they had both been abandoned by the same man and left to pick up the pieces.
‘Fancy a quickie?’
At the unexpectedness of Ben’s question, Cassie laughed.
‘You know, just to take your mind off things?’ he said.
‘In need of rekindling our Burgh Island exploits?’ she asked, snuggling up to him.
Turning to face her, he placed a hand gently to her cheek. ‘I wasn’t being serious, I just wanted to say something to distract you. I could hear the gears grinding away inside your head.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s completely understandable in the circumstances, but I bet you anything you like, everything will feel better in the morning.’
‘I wouldn’t count on it.’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Tonight, when Emily was so upset and I helped put her to bed, that was the closest we’ve been ever since she connected with Drew. I’m worried that it’ll be a one-off moment, and we’ll never really get back to how we were.’
‘How about you stop worrying about something that hasn’t happened, and probably never will happen?’
‘But—’
He hushed her with a kiss.
‘I love you so much, Ben,’ she said, her lips moving against his.
‘I know you do.’
She gave him a playful nudge. ‘Oh, Mr So-Sure-Of-Himself knows it, does he?’
‘Yeah, that’s why you agreed to marry me. Because you lurve me so much.’
Smiling, she said, ‘I still can’t believe you did that, got down on one knee.’
‘Hey, I can’t believe it either.’
‘I’ll never forget that night, or our time away. It was magical. It’s just such a shame what we came home to. I’m sorry that you’re caught up in it all when it’s not even your problem.’
‘It’s not really yours either, but that’s how partnerships work, we shoulder the problems together. Your trouble is that you expect to solve everything yourself, because you had to when Drew left you, but you’re not on your own. You have me.’
Her heart quickened at the loving sincerity in his voice. ‘I wish I’d met you before Drew ever came onto my radar.’
‘But then you wouldn’t have Emily, and you wouldn’t be without her for anything, would you? She’s been your world since the day she was born.’
Which was so very true and was the reason her daughter’s apparent defection to Drew had been so painful to Cassie. What was worse, his death had effectively now turned Drew into a martyr in Emily’s eyes.
Okay, that was an exaggeration but there was a degree of truth to it, because Emily wanted to believe in the myth that Drew would have been a perfect father if only he had been given the chance to be in her life. If only he hadn’t been so cruelly excluded by Nasty Wicked Cassie.
Sensing that Ben had fallen asleep, that his breathing was slower now and his arm lay heavily across her chest, she very carefully, not wanting to disturb him, rolled onto her side, and waited for sleep to come to her.
Inevitably, given the tsunami of disagreeable thoughts threatening to overwhelm her, sleep eluded her, so she thought back to two nights ago when Ben had surprised her with his wonderfully romantic proposal.
She felt for the ring on her finger. She loved the feel of it; it already felt a part of her, as though it had always been there, and always would be.
She had so badly wanted to show off the ring to Emily and tell her that she and Ben were finally going to marry.
Not so long ago and Emily would have been delighted to hear it, and the two of them would have hugged and squealed and probably danced around the apartment like a couple of hysterical idiots.
But now Cassie didn’t know how Emily would take the news. Would she think it was inappropriate to talk about marriage when Rosalyn was grieving for her dead husband?
‘Read the room, Mum,’ she imagined Emily saying in her most censorious voice, ‘do you think that banging on about wedding dresses and wedding venues is in any way suitable right now?’
Not that Cassie planned to bang on about anything that related to her marrying Ben, but what was she supposed to do, put her life on hold until Rosalyn and Finlay had moved out?
Well, she wouldn’t! If Rosalyn felt uncomfortable here, then there was a simple solution: she could find her own place to live. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to spoil Cassie’s happiness at marrying Ben.
It was funny that marriage had never really felt like a big deal to either of them before, but now it felt hugely important to Cassie. She wanted the security of it, because with everything else going on, she needed the certainty she believed – and hoped – marriage would bring.