Chapter Fifty-Four
The drive to Cambridge from Stansted had passed in something of a blur with Jakob’s sister chattering nonstop for most of the way. When she’d managed to get a word in edgewise, Nina had invited Amalie to join them for dinner, but Jakob wouldn’t hear of it.
‘No, no, Amalie has already planned to amuse herself this evening,’ he’d said, turning round to look at his sister in the back of the car, ‘isn’t that so, Amalie?’
Laughing, she had said, ‘Don’t worry, Jakob, I have no intention of spoiling your evening. And think yourself lucky I’m only staying a couple of days with you!’
‘That’s a short visit,’ Nina had remarked, thinking of all the luggage they’d stowed in the boot of her car.
‘I’m flying to New York the day after tomorrow,’ she’d explained, ‘to stay with friends.’
After they’d dropped his sister off at Jakob’s house in Cambridge, Nina drove on to Hope Hall.
Inside the apartment, and while Jakob went to freshen up in the cloakroom, Nina fussed with switching on lamps, drawing curtains and ordering herself to calm down.
She had been fine before. More than fine.
She’d been longing for Jakob to be here with her, aching for his touch and to feel her body responding to his in ways that had made her head swim.
Taking a deep steadying breath and whipping round to go over to the kitchen and open the bottle of white wine in the fridge, she promptly found herself smack in front of Jakob, all but headbutting his chin. She let out a startled cry.
‘Sorry,’ he said, raising his hands as though in surrender, ‘I didn’t mean to alarm you.’
‘You didn’t. Well, okay, you did. It’s just that—’
‘That you’re jumpy as hell,’ he finished for her, and smiling, ‘is that it?’
Nina smiled too. ‘It’s absurd,’ she said, ‘but for some reason, now that you’re here, I’m behaving like a silly teenager on a first date.’
‘Would it help to admit that that is just how I feel?’
‘In that case, what we both need is a glass of wine.’
‘Good plan, then I can try and explain exactly why I’m finding this situation so awkward.’
She pressed her hands against his chest, suddenly not wanting to move away from him. ‘What situation?’ she asked.
‘You. Me. Us. Here. And what I’ve wanted to do with you since I first knew you.’
‘And the awkward part?’
‘Wine first,’ he said firmly.
The wine opened and poured, they sat on the sofa, Nina having already kicked off her shoes, her feet tucked under her as she leant towards Jakob and touched her glass against his.
‘The thing is,’ he said, after he’d taken several large swallows of wine, ‘and I know I’ve touched on this before, but I need to say it again, so humour me, please.
I know I have a hell of an act to follow.
You and Hugh were happily married for some years, and you probably still love him.
Because why wouldn’t you? So here I am, a very poor substitute.
I’m not Hugh. And I never will be. I can only be me.
What if I disappoint you because in your heart it’s Hugh you still want and not me?
What if it’s Hugh you picture when we make love?
And does all that make me sound totally paranoid? ’
At the candour of his admission, and the seriousness of the expression on his handsome face, his crystal-blue eyes shining intensely in the lamplight, Nina’s heart ached for him.
But how could she reassure him when she didn’t know for sure whether there could be an element of truth in what he’d just said?
What if she did picture Hugh at the crucial moment of their love making?
All she could be sure of was that unless they tried, they would never know.
In the silence that had settled on them, and as Jakob took another long swallow of his wine then put the glass on the table in front of him, she said, ‘I’ve never compared you to Hugh, although I do appreciate that you might think I would.
And in no way are you a poor substitute, that thought has never crossed my mind; in that respect, you couldn’t be more wrong.
’ She frowned and placed a hand on his leg.
‘I hate knowing that you’ve been worrying in this way. I wish you’d said something before.’
‘It wasn’t easy to admit what I was feeling even to myself. So,’ he went on, after a pause and covering her hand on his leg with his own, ‘tell me what is making you so anxious?’
‘I’m not sure it’s just one thing,’ she replied, placing her wineglass on the table alongside his, ‘but perhaps it’s the level of expectation on both sides that is the problem. Then, of course, never far from my thoughts is that I’m older than you.’
‘I thought we’d dealt with that.’
‘Yes, but … ’ she forced herself to say the words, ‘but my body is not what it once was and—’
‘Hey, take it from me,’ he cut in, swinging round to face her, ‘your body is perfect.’
‘But you haven’t seen—’
‘No buts,’ he said, ‘absolutely no buts. And you know what?’
‘What?’
‘It’s time we spent less time thinking and worrying and more time doing.
’ As if to show what he meant, he placed his hands either side of her neck, his thumbs grazing her jaw, his steadfast gaze staring deep into hers, and drawing her to him, he kissed her on the mouth.
His lips were light and tender at first, then became more urgent and passionate, sending a rush of molten-hot desire streaming through her.
But just as she was revealing the depth of her feelings for him, he pulled away and locked eyes with her.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, worried.
‘Nothing,’ he said, ‘and don’t laugh, but I suddenly experienced a flashback to that wild night at the wedding party when we were dancing together.’
Her senses still reeling from the effect of his kiss, she groaned. ‘Please don’t remind me of that dreadful night,’ she said.
‘It wasn’t all dreadful,’ he said with a smile. ‘I remember some very nice parts of the evening, especially when you kissed me.’
‘Not true, you kissed me!’
He was grinning now. ‘I don’t remember it that way. I remember very well your lips touching mine and the night exploding.’
‘I think you’ll find that was when Hilary launched herself at me.’
‘No, no, that came later. How is the poor woman now?’
At this rapid one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turnabout in the conversation, they simultaneously reached for their wineglasses and Nina told him about putting her idea to Hilary that maybe she should consider having a dog, a rescue dog perhaps. Just as Nina had expected, Hilary had been aghast.
‘You think a dog can replace Hugh and the grandchild I dreamt of having?’ Hilary had said. ‘Is that what you honestly think will fill the horrendous void in my life?’
‘Not entirely,’ Nina had answered, ‘but a dog would be mar-vellous company for you, and think of the lovely walks you could do together, and you’d meet lots of other dog walkers.’
The idea summarily dismissed out of hand, Nina didn’t men-tion it again, but, and as she’d hoped might happen, Hilary rang her one evening to say that she’d been thinking it over.
‘I’m not totally sold on the idea,’ Hilary had said, ‘and I definitely don’t want some large-pawed beast digging up my garden or barking for hours on end, but I am prepared to consider it and I wondered if you might come with me tomorrow to meet a breeder who has bichon frisé puppies for sale.
I’ve done all the checks online about the woman and she is a registered breeder with the Kennel Club. ’
Impressed that Hilary had done her research, the next day Nina drove her mother-in-law to meet the breeder in Saffron Walden and it was during the drive that Hilary shared with Nina that when she’d been a child she had desperately wanted a dog, but her parents wouldn’t let her have one.
Nina said nothing about Hugh having told her this.
‘And did that meeting go well,’ asked Jakob. ‘Is Hilary going to have a puppy?’
‘It was never in doubt from the minute we arrived,’ Nina said.
‘It was extraordinary the change that came over her when she saw the puppy that was still for sale. Honestly, I’d never seen that soft side of her as she cradled the small bundle of white fluff.
She was a woman transformed, talking away to the dog as though they were old friends.
I took a photo to capture the moment for her, because it was just priceless.
If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. ’
While driving home afterwards, and having seen that new side to Hilary, it had made Nina wonder if she’d previously misjudged the woman, that she might have been a wonderfully loving grandmother if she’d had the chance. Well, it was too late now, that ship had well and truly sailed.
‘It was a good idea of yours for her to have a dog,’ Jakob said, ‘when will she have the puppy?’
‘Shortly before Christmas, when it’s old enough to leave its mother. It’s the perfect breed for Hilary as it requires a lot of companionship and that’s exactly what she needs. I’m not saying it’s going to cure all her problems, but it will give her something to love, and a sense of purpose.’
‘And talking of companionship,’ asked Jakob with a tilt of his head, ‘how much of my company do you think you’ll require?’
Nina laughed happily. ‘Plenty,’ she said, then glancing at her watch and seeing how late it was, she added: ‘I should do something about supper, or we’ll never get around to eating.’ She was on her feet when Jakob reached for her hand.
‘I have a much better idea,’ he said, smoothly pulling her back down to him. ‘Let’s forget about eating, unless you’re hungry, of course.’
Sinking into his embrace and the warmth of his mouth against hers once more, the thought of food suddenly couldn’t interest her less.