17. Hurt vs. Harm
~ VOSKI ~
The following two days were the most precious and thrilling of my life. I caught myself blinking, asking God if it was a dream. But if it was, I never woke up.
I justified wallowing in the joy of my mate, by continuing her training to increase her stealth, practice the knife throwing—though she still got quiet during those sessions—and teaching her the control and respect for authority needed as a soldier, so that she didn’t put herself, or others at risk by jumping into things too quickly.
And with the added benefit of building together—her submission to a superior officer, calling me sir, morphing into my worship of her.
But even when the hours were only work and training, the days brimmed with joy.
We were outside patrol lines, so never saw another soul.
I felt more grounded, more in control of myself than I had in months.
Our link, though still foggy at times, was strengthening.
Especially when we were close. And with her increased awareness and control, I’d been able to offer her some instruction in how to block intrusion on her mind—both her dragon, and me.
Frustrating as it was that she learned so quickly, it made our hunts even more thrilling.
On our fourth day at the hut, I’d been cleaning up lunch, while Grace took Koa to the river, intending to bathe. I followed half an hour later, Kham lumbering at my side.
He knew how thunderstruck I was. I walked in stunned disbelief at the sheer perfection of her. He teased me incessantly about being right about mates.
‘You should have listened to your dragon. The Creator gives a mate not just for pleasure, but for rightness.’
I was still uneasy about that part. ‘Is it rightness? Or am I corrupting her?’
Kham rumbled, but we were about to reach the edge of the trees. I hesitated, not out of fear, but just to see her when she didn’t know I was watching.
The sun was high, and though there wasn’t a great deal of heat in it, she’d decided to bathe properly, stripping all the way down and venturing into the water. But it was so cold, it made her skin redden.
She laughed when Koa splashed her, and shrieked at the cold. But she smiled the whole time.
She took my breath away.
Her smooth skin, golden hair, those bright blue eyes that twinkled when she laughed and shone when she smiled.
She screamed, and giggled like a little girl when Koa shocked her by slapping her tail down on the water and sending a wave against her bare back. But she took it in good humor.
I watched, breathless with want, as she ran through the shallows, chasing Koa who tossed her head and powered into the deep water, as the white-gold sunlight shone on Grace’s wet skin.
I knew it would be only moments until she realized I was there.
The bond was healing. We were both growing more adept at recognizing it.
And though Grace was also learning how to shut it down, as I gave her what help I could, I was also growing better at sensing her.
Starting to understand the subtle, but peculiar ways her proximity changed my body.
Kham and Koa were ecstatic, urging both of us to leave all shame or self-consciousness behind and simply enjoy each other.
It wasn’t hard to convince either of us to do that. But with our return to the Keep just two nights away, my thoughts were marred at times with the battle.
I didn’t want to share her.
Worse, I worried about how I’d react to having to leave her in the hands of other men, even in innocent ways.
Her training wouldn’t be conducted purely by me when we returned. In fact, she’d spend far more time with one or another of the brothers, or Ronen. Also, Bren.
It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her—or even them. It was more insidious. A creeping fear. Not that Grace would want another man. But that others would come between us somehow. That I would lose pieces of her. That she might like them more?
I knew I’d hurt her. Made her fear. Her quick forgiveness and willingness to throw herself into trusting me was only evidence of her sweet nature. But I wasn’t na?ve. The specter of that hurt would creep up on us when we least expected it. And the others hadn’t hurt her at all.
What would she do the first time I snapped at her without thought, and she was surrounded by men who were thoughtful and careful with their words?
As I watched her play and tease her dragon, I shook my head. I wished we could live out here, away from everyone else, forever.
Then she turned, and the dark smudge I’d left on her neck stood out like a black mark on white sand.
There were small marks on her hip, and breast as well. All of them shaped like my fingers, my teeth, my grip.
I’d hunted her twice more since that first night, and could have happily spent the rest of my days doing that.
But after each encounter, when sanity and honor returned, I always found myself in that stammering apology, dread and horror coating my insides.
Because each time, I vowed I wouldn’t hurt her this time.
Yet, here she was, her skin not unblemished.
‘You take bruises as well,’ Kham muttered. ‘Your appetites are not wrong… only unique. And your mate appears pleased by them.’
‘Pleased… even though I hurt her.’
‘Hurt and harm are not the same.’
I looked at him, confused. ‘Of course they’re the same—’
‘No, Voski. There are many things in this world that will hurt, yet without them, you cannot grow. Your body will hurt in order to grow stronger. There is pain in giving birth. Pain permeates this world and must be endured, because it is good for you. Harm comes from malice. From selfish motive. Harm is inflicted upon you, for no end but to put you down, or break you.’
I turned that over in my mind. ‘I can see what you’re saying, but often in the moment, they feel the same.’
‘But if your joining leaves her bearing the mark of hurt, and yet you both enjoy it, has harm occurred?’
‘That’s the problem. I don’t know.’
‘Ask her.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think she’d tell me the truth. She’s so happy, and so ready to please. I think she fears my rejection more than my aggression. Who’s to say she isn’t enduring one to keep the other away?’
I felt Kham pause. He turned his head, his neck bending so he could meet my eye from the side. ‘See what wisdom you are capable of when you discard your fear?’
I wanted to swell with pride, but also shrank in embarrassment. ‘I haven’t discarded my fear, Kham. Only set it aside.’
‘It is the first step. But to your point… it is possible your mate simply puts herself aside to please you. Though I have observed, even when shocked, Grace appears to thrill for a challenge.’
‘That’s exactly my point, though.’
‘Then, you can only ask her to speak what’s true so that you can know.’
‘I will. Before we go, I will. But even if she does like this, that doesn’t mean she’s not taking harm. Sex is different for us than dragons, Kham. Your aggression is normal.’
‘And each human is different in it, just as you and she will be. I maintain, there’s only one way to find out.’
‘And if she is hurt? If she’s putting her hurt aside to avoid mine?’
‘Then you have your answer, and reason for a new plan.’
I sighed. ‘You make that sound so simple.’
‘It usually is. The barrier to your peace isn’t complex, Voski: it’s your insistence on fighting an unavoidable truth.’
Before I could question that, Kham raised his head and trumpeted at Koa, flowing forward, toward the riverbank.
Koa crooned, and rushed out of the water, splashing Grace on her way, who flinched and tried to cover her hair, but was laughing and shaking the droplets off by the time Koa touched noses with Kham, then darted into the woods, with him in hot pursuit.
Grace watched them go, smiling, then turned to me and my breath stopped.
She stood knee deep in the cold water, her naked body pale, but in silhouette, lit from behind by the sun. Every droplet of water on her hair, arms, and body glowed gold.
When her eyes met mine, she beamed, and my heart rose.
As I started forward, I was resolved. This serenity and isolation couldn’t sustain. So, we needed to talk about the future—both for our public relationship, and our lovemaking. I needed to talk to her before we left.
Yet, I was loath to break the beauty and thrill of this place, and what we had here. I wanted to enjoy it for one more day.
So, I pushed the dark thoughts aside, and strode out to the riverbank, returning her warm smile, shading my eyes from the sun.
To my surprise, as I approached, though her smile broadened, she didn’t rush out to meet me as Koa had for Kham. Instead, she started walking backward, her smile turning mischievous.
“You need a bath as well. Come get me,” she challenged.
I smiled lazily and folded my arms. “You don’t want me in that water, trust me.”
“Yes, I do!”
“Not if you want me,” I laughed. “Water that cold will kill even my most ardent fire.”
I snorted as she pretended to pout. But then, instead of coming to me, she turned and walked along the water, feet from the edge. She was stark naked and kicking cold spray up with every step, but she turned her head and grinned at me.
“Where are you going?” I asked her, genuinely confused.
She shrugged. Then took off, sprinting for the water’s edge further along the bank, kicking spray up for the sun’s glow, leaving me on the back foot as she hot-footed it away.
Laughing, I leaped after her, running wide to avoid the mud closer to the water’s edge—but short of following the river itself, there was no way for her to get to the trees without crossing my path. And I could run faster than her.
She giggled when she saw me coming, and sprinted for the trees, but I met her at an angle and caught her around the middle, lifting her off her feet and turning her around to slow her momentum, and she laughed and her hair swayed.
“Good Lord, you’re freezing!” I hissed against her lips, wrapping my arms around her and walking her back up the bank, toward the trees, where her clothing was stacked.
She broke the kiss and dropped her head back, giving me access to her neck, which I took—gently—with pleasure.
“Then, warm me up,” she gasped, sliding her fingers into my hair and holding me against her.
Placing her feet back on the ground, I whipped off my hooded jacket and threw it around her shoulders quickly, so my body heat could warm her skin, pulling the hood up and over her damp hair.
“Mmmmm,” she hummed. “It’s warm, like you.” She slipped her arms into the sleeves, but left it unbuttoned. And somehow, that simple act of placing the leather over her skin, obscuring her breasts and waist, but not her stomach, sent a breathless jolt through me.
Looking down at her, my breath ratcheted up—and because of the bond, she felt the shift in me.
Her eyes gleamed and she leaned up, pressing herself against me, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“Warm me up, Voski,” she breathed, and when I dropped my chin, she kissed me again.
Slipping one hand around her waist, I worked at my belt with the other, opening and freeing it, then tugging at my buttons as I walked her backward, until we met the broad trunk of a huge oak, and I pressed her into it.
The jacket fell almost to her knees, protecting her back from the rough bark, so she leaned into it happily, pulling me with her, and tilting her head to deepen the kiss.
As I explored her body, she shifted her weight, widening her stance in anticipation of my touch—which was both thrilling and touching.
Both of us began to pant.
Then I had an idea.
Kissing along her jaw to her ear, leaning her back into the tree, I dropped my hand to her ass, cupping it, and pulling her against me, as I whispered, “Do you want to learn a new way?”
She gave a warm, approving hum and kissed me harder.
With my tongue in her mouth, I groaned and reached down, grabbing her in two, full handfuls and lifting her up, higher than my waist, so that we broke the kiss and she braced on my shoulders to keep herself upright, her eyes popping wide.
“Voski, what are you—”
Leaning her into the tree, I urged her to hook her ankles behind my back, then slid her down, down, down. Her head fell back as I entered her, then let her drop in a single slide, until she took me all the way to the hilt.
Her heels dug into my ass, and she gasped. “Voski…”
I kissed her deeper, but kept her pinned hard against that trunk, grabbing for her wrists, locking both in one of my hands, then lifting and pinning them against the tree so she was arched back and open to me, her breasts bobbing right in front of my face. .
With a ragged growl, I curled myself forward to suck and tease, and she began to rock with me, sighing, her body warming against mine.
It wasn’t fast, or aggressive. It wasn’t mindless. I devoured her, tasted her, touched her, drank in the sight of her.
As her arousal grew, and she urged me on, I kept the pace steady, but gripped her ass hard, pulling her against me with every thrust.
Unable to use her hands, she whimpered and squirmed, trying to touch me. But her body was bare at the front, goosebumped from the cold water, and her nipples taut.
Stretched, arched, sighing, urging me on, she was a vision.
The sun filtering through the leaves overhead peppered her skin with light, and I chased those places, tasting light and shadow, pink skin and white.
As we climbed together toward that peak, and her abandon grew, her head fell back against the tree and her jaw went slack.
Her eyes rolled back so that I was left alone in the sight of her, calling to her to come for me, devouring the vision, etching it on my memory, the bond swelling and pulsing as our souls tangled again, and again, and our bodies remained one.
“Grace,” I gasped as she tightened around me, her body rising to that summit. “Grace.”
“Let me touch you,” she whispered.
With a groan, I released her hands, cupping under her knee and lifting her, shifting the angle, so that we both groaned.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close, burying her fingers in my hair and holding me there as we climbed to that cliff together.
‘Grace… Grace!’ I couldn’t stop tasting her name, the only word that seemed to fully express her.
As we tumbled off that clifftop together, freefalling back to earth, our voices raised in unison, all I could do was hold her close and pray that I never, ever, fucked this up.