20. Don’t Think
~ VOSKI ~
I had never despised anything the way I despised the following morning, when I was forced to stand and watch her mount Koa and fly away. My veins ran with pure, unadulterated, hate for that moment.
It was only an hour until we could follow. I knew that. But after kissing her until Koa screamed her impatience, I stood at Kham’s leg, watching them grow small, then dim, then disappear into the clouds, and my body jangled with unease.
I made it twenty minutes until I went for Kham’s harness.
My dragon laughed at me for my agitation.
‘Koa assures me, she will not fly into the arms of another.’
I shot him a glare, but kept buckling straps and checking that our bags were secured.
At forty minutes after they’d launched, I mounted.
To hell with it. ‘Just keep your pace slow,’ I told Kham. ‘So it looks like I was forced to leave later.’
‘Or you could simply tell the truth and—’
‘Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.’
Kham tossed his head in the equivalent of a human’s eye-roll.
‘I suppose I can’t fault you for your devotion to remaining close to your mate. I look forward to watching you wiggle out of patrols, and other responsibilities that keep you separated.’
‘I will fulfill my responsibilities,’ I growled. ‘I’m not abandoning my squad.’
‘No, only lying to them.’
‘Barely.’
‘You cited false orders, Voski. That’s a serious breach.’
‘Only because it was necessary. It’s a Shadowfang tenet—tell the truth, until you can’t.’
Kham huffed, but didn’t respond. He didn’t need to. I chastised myself for the misuse of a spy’s honor.
We didn’t talk for a good hour after that.
And even though I remained tense about being apart from Grace, I was able to breathe easier.
Flying was always good for my head. It helped me balance, and recenter.
And this day was no different. I replayed some memories from our time at the hut, and schemed for how to return her there before too many months had passed.
But alone, without my mate, I also reconnected with Kham. And was forced to recognize how much I’d put him through in these weeks as well.
‘I’m sorry,’ I sent, after letting him see my thoughts. ‘I haven’t been good to you in this.’
‘You are forgiven.’
I sighed, and some of the tension left me. ‘How do you put up with my shit? That’s a serious question. You’ve done it since the very first day. I thought I’d done better in recent years, but clearly all it took was this. I feel like I’ve returned to the child I was when you Chose me.’
‘You were no child.’
‘No. Just a young piece of shit.’
Kham growled. ‘I have told you since that day, I know your heart. You are not shit, Voski. You are wounded. You react from your wounds. And yes, the arrival of our mates has brought you back to that place of uncertainty in yourself, and protection against the world.’
That stung, even though I knew it was true. ‘How do I stop hurting her? Because I don’t catch myself reacting. It just happens. And it’s not until I’m staring at the ashes of the fire I breathed that I realize what I’ve done.’
Kham rumbled his compassion. ‘Heal,’ he said simply.
I scoffed. ‘How?’
‘Let me help you.’
That flare of resistance came again, but I let myself examine his words this time. Because I knew I’d hurt him, and kept him distant. He didn’t deserve that.
I trusted him with my life. With everything.
But, he thought like a dragon. And between their supernatural insight, and their age—Kham was nearly one hundred years old—the dragonfuries had a steadiness to them, and a willingness to endure that I didn’t possess.
No humans possessed it, that I’d seen, though some were closer than others.
‘You are a gift to me, Voski,’ Kham sent kindly. ‘And I am a gift for you. Let me help you.’
I took a deep breath. ‘It’s not that I don’t want your help.
It’s that I wish I didn’t need it. It seems like everything has to be difficult.
As if the Creator won’t allow any of us to take a breath.
Why can’t the obstacle be simple? Why do we have to constantly fight for peace? Why does life have to be so hard?’
‘The Creator allows you free will, as He does with all humanity. He loves and helps you in the consequences of your freedom, even when you or others deny Him,’ Kham chided me. ‘It’s why He gave you and me to each other—because we aren’t expected to endure alone.’
My tension eased at those words. My dragon was loving. Steady. Even his teasing was an act of love—because he knew how difficult it was for me to sit in soft emotion.
My mind turned then, back to the days when Kham had first Chosen me, to those weeks when I hadn’t been sure even he was worth enduring this life for.
‘I’m glad that you didn’t give up on me, Kham,’ I sent softly, aching for the boy I was seven years ago—and for the dragon he’d had to be to keep me alive.
‘I am proud that you didn’t give up on yourself,’ Kham replied simply. ‘Now, remember the lessons you learned in that. And let’s enjoy our mates.’
I shook my head. ‘Dirty old lizard,’ I taunted him. ‘It’s shocking when you think the Creator even made you capable of mating at your age.’
‘Careful, boy,’ he taunted me back. ‘Don’t make me demonstrate your inadequacy.’
I laughed and had to resist the urge to hug him like a child. He lashed his tail as we flew in comfortable silence, well into the day.
I was reflective as we flew, my mind turning back, and forward to what was to come.
I thanked God for bringing Kham into my life—and through him, Grace.
Because if Kham hadn’t saved me years earlier, and kept me from utterly rejecting her in those early weeks, I wouldn’t have been here to discover her at all.
Thinking about her warmed my heart the same way Kham’s golden scales glowed, with that healthy, thriving fire that he contained. The light.
Thank God for all of it.
When we finally reached the Keep and landed, there were shouts of greeting from men who believed I’d been on mission. In danger. Working.
Guilt coated my insides. I clasped hands, clapped shoulders, and thanked them for their well-wishes, but gave every impression that my job wasn’t yet over as I waved them off and hurried up the sides of the launch hollow and into the stable building with Kham.
I could feel her. She was close.
‘Grace?’
‘I’m… here.’ She was faint though, still too far away to reach clearly.
My pace picked up until I was practically running by the time we made it to Kham’s stable. He bugled, and one of the stableboys, forking dirty straw out of a neighboring stall, bolted upright.
“Leave that for tomorrow,” I said authoritatively. “The dragons are tired, and they need peace.” I had no idea who else was on the wing, but I wanted space, and less chance of being discovered when I found Grace. She had to be nearby, because my heart pounded. My skin thrummed with it.
Thankfully, the boy didn’t have to be asked twice. “Yes, sir!” he said happily, tossed his hayfork down and darted toward the main aisle, and hopefully, his dinner.
As I jogged up the aisle at Kham’s side, relief and joy squared my shoulders when Koa extended her head into the aisle and called for Kham—and Grace appeared, in fresh leathers, her hair damp as if she’d washed it—her brows high.
We were early.
I grinned the moment I saw her, looked over my shoulder to check that we had no witnesses, then tipped my head at her to come across the aisle into Kham’s stable, while the dragons greeted each other, and crowded into Koa’s stable.
I beat her into the space, and turned, back to the door, waiting. When Grace appeared, I caught her wrist, pulled her around and pinned her against the wall, burying hands in her hair and kissing her before I’d even said hello.
Thank God, she melted into me.
Fire and ice curled around my heart as I filled my hands with her, murmuring how much I’d missed her, and cursing the need to report in, which would force me to depart again soon.
Each moment I told myself, just one more taste. Then the next, her fervor matched mine.
Grace’s head dropped back against the stable wall, and I dove for her throat, teasing and tasting, pulling her knee high to hook over my hip, nipping at her neck.
“Voski… we can’t,” she whispered, even as she slipped a small hand between the gaps in my shirt buttons and her palm flattened on my chest, jolting me with the pulse of the bond.
“I know,” I rasped back, then tipped up her chin and delved the honey of her mouth with a sweeping, probing tongue.
Her breath was already audible. Thank God the dragons were making some noise. If anyone drew close…
They wouldn’t hear though, I told myself as I cupped her ass in both hands and lifted her, mentally assessing how I might get her free of her leathers without baring her to the—
Gil’s smug voice echoed in my head. You’re going to get caught taking her against a stable wall…
Oh, for fuck’s sake!
I jerked my head back, chest heaving, to find Grace flattened against the wall, her eyes bright, cheeks pink. She was panting as well, and startled at my quick movement, but she smiled and stared up at me.
“The straw?” she whispered.
I growled—yes the fucking straw! And the wall! Every goddamn surface I could balance her ass on, if I had my way!
But I didn’t say the words, because there was no way I was taking my mate, who I loved, against the wall of an empty stable and letting Gil tell me, I told you so.
I gulped, trying to find my control, panicking a little by how unhinged I suddenly felt, simply because we’d spent a few hours apart.
“Voski, are you—”
I clapped a hand over her mouth to quiet her and turned my head toward the doorway—and the dragons. ‘Kham, I need your help.’
‘Oh?’
‘Can you tell Ekko we’re back. That I’ll report to Ronen in the morning? I’m sure as long as he knows we’re safe, he won’t care.’
There was a beat before he answered and I almost swore. But then, ‘Ekko says Ronen’s in a meeting. He is relieved you’re returned safely. Report after breakfast. There is much to discuss tomorrow.’
Thank God. I smiled down at Grace, whose brows rose because my hand was still clamped over her mouth. Whoops.
“Sorry,” I whispered, then stepped back, took her hand, and pulled her away from the wall. ‘Thank you, Kham.’
“What’s going on?” she whispered as I turned her toward the door and held her shoulders to stop her turning back to me.
“What’s going on is that I’ve been given leave to report tomorrow. Which means we have hours, and I’ve missed you,” I whispered.
When we were almost at the doorway, I stopped her, leaning into her ear.
“If you turn right out of that door, and walk straight to the end of the wing, the dragon door will be locked, but there’s a small door for the stablehands.
And fifty feet from it, the woods begin.
Go east, otherwise you’ll end up at the launch hollow. ”
I felt her heart trip, saw her cheek pull up in a smile. “Where will you be?”
“Counting to one hundred… before I come to find you,” I growled, then nipped her neck.
She giggled and flinched, but then went silent, darting to the doorway, peering out to look for witnesses, then disappearing around the corner, while I slumped against the wall, clawed both hands into my hair and closed my eyes, breathing deeply, trying to take control of my body again before I followed her.
And even though I did find control, it was only for moments.
Moments until I disappeared back into the night, leaving behind thoughts of squad, and responsibility, and endurance, as I lost myself in the pursuit of my mate.
Leaving behind everything but the scent of Grace, the sensation of her delight in my chest, and the animalistic groan of pleasure when I finally took her to ground and buried myself in her.
I closed my mind to thoughts of tomorrow, or duty, or the hardships we would face.
It could all fucking wait.