22. Prove Your Truth
~ VOSKI ~
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Voski?” Donavyn muttered.
“If I knew, sir, I would tell you. But this is new for me.”
“It’s new for all of us. It doesn’t mean you undermine every bit of good you’ve done in the past seven years and throw it all out the fucking window!”
“I’m not!”
“Wake up, soldier!” he barked, leaning in on me. “As leaders, we hide only what is necessary for the safety of all. We are the backbone of this society. And you’re going to lie to your men because you want to keep your mate to yourself?”
“No,” I growled. “That’s not it!”
“Then what is it?”
I opened my mouth to tell him what I’d told Grace—that I worried the men would tease and taunt, that I’d lose control and hurt someone.
But the words sounded so hollow, even to my ears.
All his fury about me letting the men down, his disappointment swirled in my head, and I couldn’t find the words. Nothing that made any sense.
“I… I just…” I swallowed in an effort to clear my throat, and he waited. “I just want everything to stop fucking moving for a minute,” I hissed finally. “I’m trying. But, I don’t know how to do this without fucking it up.”
Donavyn’s lips thinned, but his eyes stopped flashing. “None of us do. But you don’t learn or grow by hiding.” He put a hand to my shoulder and squeezed, meeting me eye-to-eye. “Tell them,” he said calmly.
“Why? They’ll only make light of something that is not light and if one of them takes me off guard and touches her. Sir, I might fucking kill him!”
“Voski, this isn’t a conversation. It’s an order. You tell them.”
Every alarm bell in my body clanged together. “Sir, how? They’ll joke about her. She is not a joke.”
“Neither are you.” His brow furrowed. “I have watched these men with Bren. They don’t get everything right. But they want to. Take hold of your balls and tell them what you fear. Explain your need for their compassion. Tell them your weakness. Invite them to strengthen you, instead of taunting.”
“I can’t lead from a place of weakness!” I hissed.
Donavyn tipped his head and his eyes narrowed. “Do I strike you as a weak man, Voski?” he asked quietly. Too quietly. My blood ran cold at the unspoken threat.
“Of course not,” I protested. “But you weren’t afraid.”
“Are you shitting me?” he chuckled, shaking his head.
“You think I wasn’t afraid? You’re forgetting very recent history, my friend,” he said with sincere warmth, but then his expression went serious again.
He kept his voice low, that hum of dark strength remaining.
But there was compassion in it, as well.
“Voski, that beautiful woman is your life now. The pair of you, with your dragons, are a unit. And you have a responsibility to all of them. Strengthen that unit. Don’t erode it. ”
“I don’t want to,” I insisted. “But…”
Donavyn sighed and squeezed my shoulder again.
“The only way to overcome fear is to face it. Until you’re willing to give up your own comfort to see this solved, it will haunt you.
And take it from me, these men will forgive you.
But they will not forget. You do not want to lead a man in battle who believes they can’t trust you. ”
“They can trust me!”
“Not if you’re lying for your own comfort. That’s a slippery slope.”
“But—”
“Think it through, Voski. You’re an intelligent man. Think about this from another’s point of view, and consider what you’d think of a man who lied to you about his most precious possession just to keep you off his back.”
God, I felt sick. My job required so much subterfuge, so much deceit, I’d always led as an example of honesty in every other aspect of my life. Precisely as I’d seen Donavyn do.
I swallowed hard. “I don’t know how to open myself up for this without hurting someone,” I admitted hoarsely.
He sighed. “You have to want what’s on the other side of it more than you want to be comfortable now.”
I met his gaze and asked an honest question. “What’s on the other side?”
“Everything you ever wished for,” he said without hesitation. “And more responsibility than you think you can bear. But you don’t have to bear it alone. You shouldn’t bear it alone. That’s why God gave her to you.”
I slumped. “But that’s the thing. He gave her to me. Not to the fucking squad.”
Donavyn took a deep breath and stepped back, but didn’t break eye-contact. “Revealing her to them isn’t going to do anything but raise her esteem in their eyes. We both know that. You’re not afraid of their taunts. You’re afraid of her being used against you.”
“Yes!”
“Get over it.”
“But—”
“You’re hurting her by hiding her. I know, because my mate asked me to keep the bond a secret.
And that was when we both had something to lose.
There was every chance I would have been demoted if our bond had been revealed in another way—and she was already dismissed by half the men as a king’s favorite.
Or mine. But you don’t face those barriers.
And where it might be brought into question, I can stand in your stead.
You aren’t under threat, Voski. Not like we were. ”
I dropped my eyes. “I also don’t have the weight of your respect in the eyes of others.”
“You won’t earn it this way.”
Well, shit. I swallowed. “You said you understood Bren’s desire to obscure the bond.”
“You don’t face what she faced—you aren’t belittled by a bond. In fact, the opposite is true. You’re likely to lose standing when it comes out that you lied. Not to mention that you’re hurting your mate. So, why would you put her through it?”
An image of Grace’s face loomed large in my head. Her expression when I told her I wanted to keep our bond secret, underlined by the sickening pitch in her stomach that I felt through the bond.
She was hurt. I’d tried to make it right. Tried to reassure her. I’d bared my soul to her to give her confidence that my fear wasn’t shame over her.
But it had hurt her, nonetheless.
I clawed hands through my hair and took a long, hard look at myself.
What was on the other side of this that would be better than keeping myself comfortable now?
Grace. Grace, strong and happy. Smiling. Joyful. Confident. Her heart bubbling in mine.
Telling my brothers, begging for their compassion, rather than hubris, would be painfully humbling. But I had a sinking feeling Donavyn was right. Though I wouldn’t have the choice now. He’d made it an order.
Fear trilled through me. Shit.
I’d let myself be weak to aid others before. I’d taken far worse than jibes to protect those I cared about in the past.
So, why did this terrify me?
Because it meant there was no going back. No safety net. No room to deny my own weakness—or the presence of a bond, ever again. And if I failed, it would reveal me. Not in control. Not always right. Not Goldfinger.
Why would I want to hide that?
My stomach pitched and rolled as I answered my own question: Because it gave me room to deny it to myself.
I’d been lying to myself from the first moment I saw her.
Denying the draw. Denying the need to make myself vulnerable.
Hiding, and hurting Grace. I’d even roped Gil into breaching codes of conduct I would never even have considered before.
It’s a slippery slope, Donavyn had said.
And he was right. I’d proven that. I would have been furious if I’d caught one of my men doing this.
Lies like that would spiral. And the only way to stop the churn, was to be willing to take the blows.
Well, shit.
“Are we done? Or do you need another slap?” Donavyn muttered.
I shook my head sadly, but as he looked like he was preparing to leave me alone, I made myself say the words, because if I didn’t start on the correct path now, I would slip even further from my own sense of honor. And inevitably hurt Grace more.
“I have to tell you something. There’s another deceit I need to confess.”
Donavyn’s brows rose. “What’s that?”
I took a deep breath. “In your absence, I told Gil to give Ronen a false message that I’d received orders, because I knew he wouldn’t question and you wouldn’t be here to tell him otherwise.”
Donavyn went very still. “You did what?” he growled.
“I knew if Gil told him I’d been called to take a message, and that Grace had to go with me because our dragons were mated, he wouldn’t question it. It was a way to get time alone with her and cement the bond and—”
His face tightened in rage. But his voice got quieter, which was even more frightening. “You’re more of an idiot than I thought. Voski, what the actual fuck?!”
“I know.”
“I don’t think you do!” His expression was incredulous as he leaned in on me. “You used very real, very legitimate systems that you were trusted with, to benefit yourself personally!”
I nodded. “It felt necessary at the time.”
He scoffed. “You betrayed the trust of your leaders, and your followers—and all because I didn’t have eyes on you?!”
“The timing was merely fortuitous, it had never occurred to me—”
“I should fucking hope not!”
“Sir, I’m sorry—”
“You will be.” The fury simmered in his tone and the fire in his eyes was back. Darker this time.
I swallowed a whole new rush of fear, but lifted my chin and stared at the wall again, standing to attention.
“I’ve heard you. You were right. I’ve been wrong.
I’ll attempt to make what reconciliation I can.
I don’t want to be the man who’d do that again.
I can’t, sir. I’ve been lying. A lot. To others, and to myself.
It needs to stop. I hope you believe me.
That’s why I’m telling you now. I accept my responsibility in this. I need to stop.”
The general shook his head, his expression even more somber and disappointed than before.
My stomach sank.
“I don’t know what to say to you,” he rasped. “Gil? Maybe. I wouldn’t have expected of you—”
“I’ve never done it before, Sir. And I won’t again.”
“You bet your fucking ass you won’t.”
I dropped my chin and nodded. “Yes, sir.” My blood ran cold. But I forced myself to remain standing there, awaiting his verdict. I knew he’d discipline me. He had to.
Donavyn turned away, cursing under his breath and clawing a hand through his hair, until a moment later he glared at me.
“This isn’t over.”
“Can I ask what—”
“We’ll have a tribunal, and you’ll be assessed by your superiors. I don’t trust myself not to castrate you if this is solely left up to me. Holy shit, Voski!”
“I know, sir. I’m sorry. I mean that.”
His jaw went tight. “Was it worth it? Just to avoid a little discomfort?”
It was far more than that, but he didn’t know. And in the end, he was still right. “She’s worth it,” I said carefully.
“Will you keep lying about her?”
“No.”
He pursed his lips and looked away again, muttering under his breath and shaking his head. “You need to get your head on fucking straight. Today.”
“Yes, sir.”
He sighed. “You go find the girls, and your squad. You have an easier truth to tell first. I’m going to take some advice of my own. Fuck, Voski. We were about to promote you!”
I slumped, but didn’t break attention. “Thank you, sir,” I said, and I meant it. “And thank you for seeing what I needed. This is why I chose to follow you.”
Donavyn took a deep breath, his lips pressed thin. “If you step out of your fear and be this man all the time, those men will follow you one day.”
To my surprise, he offered his arm to clasp. I took it, gratefully, then followed him out of the stable, though he was still muttering curses after he slid the big door open and stepped into the aisle.
I followed him to the intersection of aisles where we parted ways.
I was humbled, and nervous as he strode off toward the Officer’s building, because I knew the fallout from this wasn’t over.
But as I turned and jogged out of the main stable door, on the path to the main buildings, I discovered I was oddly eager to find Grace and tell her.
To claim her. She’d be thrilled. And even though my stomach was a pit of dread at telling Ronen, and then the others, it would also be a relief—to stop constantly lying, if nothing else.
But what if I killed one of them because—
A shriek of pain and fear zinged through my chest with such potency, I lost my breath.
I froze for half a breath, instinctively reaching for Grace in the bond.
‘What is it? What’s happened?’ But either she couldn’t hear me, or she was too far away to reply, because there was nothing but that jangling fear.
I took off down the path, boots pounding on the cobblestones, sprinting until I rounded the wall and the courtyard outside the dining hall opened before me, full of a cluster of men, with more pouring out of the building.
Confused, I hurried forward, scanning them all, trying to take everything in at once.
That crowd at the center of the courtyard bubbled with heated voices—some of whom were my squad brothers, clustered together looking angry and worried.
“Gil, what’s going on? Where’s Grace? Have you seen her?” I called when I caught sight of them, but they were all distracted, crowding around something I couldn’t see. I tried desperately to reach Grace through the link, but was never sure if she heard me. ‘Where are you? Are you hurt? Talk to me!’
The clang of her fear and agitation shot through the bond, but no words. Had she been hurt?
I pushed into the crowd of men between my squad brothers Harle and Einar.
“What’s happened? Where’s—?”
There was a glimpse of Grace’s golden hair ahead, between the shoulders of Ronen and Bren. I shoved my way through the crowd to them in time to see Grace’s head snap around and her eyes widen when she saw me.
“Voski!” she choked. My brothers and sister turned to protest my force, but as I slid to a halt, that awful shriek rang in my head again.
Grace was at the center of the crowd, shoulders hunched as if she were in pain, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. And her upper arm in the fierce grip of a tall man, in fine clothes, and gray winging his temples.
A nobleman. Proud. Scornful. Sneering.
I zeroed in on the place he had clamped a hand around her arm possessively.
And then I knew: Her betrothed. He’d found her.