Chapter Thirty-Six
Thirty-Six
A Pearl of Wisdom
from Clay Daniels
“Each seed you plant today is done in hope for the future.”
Tallulah
It was late by the time we got home from the hospital, past nine p.m., but Papaw had allowed Katy to stay up to wait for us. He’d been keeping watch over her all day, ever since Mary Joy had been loaded into the ambulance.
Now, as Katy hugged me and a sleeping Mary Joy tightly, I wondered if it had been the right call. Maybe it would’ve been better for Katy to have been there, at the hospital. To see Mary Joy starting to feel better. To hear that she would make a full recovery.
I didn’t know.
I added it to the things I’d likely question for the rest of my life.
Along with letting Scott take care of the girls this morning.
He stood behind me—he’d driven us here—and Katy soon went into his arms, too.
She was much more forgiving than I was.
I could barely look at him, even though he’d been apologizing all day. Even though I could see how torn up and guilt-riddled he was. There was a part of me that recognized he hadn’t meant to hurt Mary Joy. Of course not. But I’d told him no sweets, and he’d given her the frosting anyway.
Was I a stickler for not wanting her to have sweets until she was older? Maybe. That wasn’t the point here, however. Scott had completely disregarded my wishes in favor of his own. Because he had, Mary Joy had suffered.
Papaw kissed the top of Mary Joy’s head, then gave me a peck as well. “She scared the dickens out of me,” he whispered.
Mary Joy had fallen asleep in the car on the ride home and was out cold. I suspected she would sleep through the night and maybe well into the morning. Her little body was exhausted.
I doubted I’d sleep a wink. I’d be watching her like a hawk.
The doctors had warned me of a possible secondary reaction, one that could happen anytime from one hour to three days after the first. There was a name for it, but at this moment, I couldn’t remember it for the life of me.
I’d look it up later. We’d come home with two epinephrine injectors, just in case.
“Me, too,” I said.
The emergency room’s waiting area had been full of friends, of family, waiting on news, lending support by just being there. Nettie and Isabel and Vera brought snacks. Aunt Maeve and Uncle Renny came with Mary Joy’s car seat. Evanthe simply paced, her linen billowing.
They weren’t there just for us.
They’d come for Juliet, too.
Callum had brought Mylar balloons for Mary Joy, flowers for Juliet. I’d never seen him look so shaken.
Juliet had been released hours ago, and last I heard she’d be spending the night with her mama and sister, at Vera’s.
I doubted her mama would get much sleep, either.
I’d tried to visit Juliet in the hospital, wanting to give her a big hug, but kept missing her as doctors ran tests, scans. Then she was gone, discharged.
Aunt Maeve had said it had been a panic attack. A bad one.
I’d sent Juliet a few texts and a couple of memes, which had gone unanswered.
I owed her so much. If she hadn’t recognized the allergic reaction …
No.
I wasn’t going there.
As I made a nest in the playpen and placed Mary Joy in it, I saw the bruises on her legs and felt nauseated. She’d needed a second injection of epinephrine at the hospital, and had been given other medications as well.
Suddenly I remembered the panic in Callum’s eyes when he and Katy sprinted to find me. I’d raced to the field, my heart thundering when I saw the crowd and the way Jake was holding Mary Joy, the EpiPen on the ground, and then watched in horror as Juliet collapsed.
Giving my head a good shake, I held tears at bay and forced myself to straighten up. If I started crying now, I might never stop.
When I turned around, I found Papaw and Katy and Scott watching me.
I said to Scott, “You should go. It’s late.”
He nodded and bent to hug Katy, then crossed the room, leaned down, and gave Mary Joy a kiss on her forehead.
I had to clench my fists to keep from reaching out to stop him, not really wanting him anywhere near her. I’d never been so furious in my life.
He stopped in front of me. “Will you walk me out, Tallulah?”
For as much as I wanted to say no, because I couldn’t stand the sight of him, I nodded. There were a few things I wanted to say. Out of earshot of anyone else. Especially Katy.
Papaw rubbed Katy’s head. “We’ll keep an eye on the munchkin.”
Katy nodded and skipped over to the playpen, taking the job seriously.
As we walked toward the front door, I heard Katy ask Papaw, “Are they going to argue?”
“They’re going to converse,” he said.
“Is that a fancy word for argue?”
“Not really, no. But also, maybe.”
She said, “I thought so.”
I followed Scott out onto the porch. Moths flitted around the lights, and crickets chirped loudly. The air was warm, humid. Stars shone in the sky, giving no hint that there’d been clouds earlier.
“Tallulah,” Scott said, “I’m so sorry. Please, you have to know I never meant to hurt her. It was an accident. A mistake. I love her.”
I wanted to rail at him, cuss him out, but the words were stuck in my throat.
My chest ached, burned, as I pictured Mary Joy in the hospital, hooked up to monitors and getting treatments. I pressed my hands to my heart and bent forward, trying to ease the pain of almost losing her.
If Juliet hadn’t been there. Or the woman with the EpiPen. Or Jake.
Jake, who, once he’d spoken to the paramedics, had faded into the crowd. I hadn’t talked to him at all. I hadn’t seen him since.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t go there now, either.
Scott stepped toward me, tried to hug me, console me. I pushed him back. I was crying now, unable to keep the agony inside. “She could’ve died!”
“I know!” He raked his fingers through his hair. Tears shimmered in his eyes. “I really did take the egg allergy seriously. I just didn’t realize about the frosting. I’ll learn what has eggs and doesn’t. I’ll research. I’ll double-check. I promise I will.”
He sat on the front step, hung his head.
I swiped my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together. I took a hiccuping breath and said, “Why did you come here?”
“I’ve been an idiot about so many things.”
I repeated the question louder this time and with less patience. “Why did you come here?”
“I came to tell you I accepted a new role in the company. Overseas. In Hong Kong. I was supposed to leave next week.”
I was about to snap, Good, go, when it registered that he had said was supposed to. “What do you mean, was?”
He dropped his head into his hands, left it there. “I’ve been so stupid.”
I wasn’t going to argue.
“I have some decisions to make. No.” He dropped his hands, looked at me. “I’ve made them. I’m not taking the job. I’m quitting. I’m moving back to Alabama. I’ll find a job here that’s closer to the girls.”
I held up a hand. “Stop. This is just the guilt talking.”
“Maybe some of it. Not all. I was so excited to go, right? To get on a plane and jet off? Then I saw the way Katy looked at me when I first got here, so incredibly happy just to spend a few days with me. And then how Mary Joy didn’t even know me—and how I didn’t know her.
It hit me just how much I’ve been a crap father. ”
I wasn’t going to argue that, either.
My eyes kept leaking. I kept swiping. I’d been afraid of this—being unable to stop crying once I started.
“Is my job and traveling more important than knowing Katy is in a dragon phase? Or that Mary Joy got her first tooth?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
My head hurt, and I rubbed my temples. I was all for epiphanies, but this was too much. “This isn’t the time to make hasty decisions, Scott.”
He stood up. “I think it’s exactly the right time. Something has to change. I’m going to do better where the girls are concerned. They deserve better than what I’ve been giving them.”
They did.
Truly, I believed he wanted to be a better father, to make changes. Yet I also knew there was a big part of him that longed to fly free. If he was rooted here, he was never going to be happy.
Whisking away more tears, I said, “If you become a father who starts resenting them because he hates his job and his wings have been clipped, you won’t be doing them any favors.”
I could see I’d hit a nerve by the way he stiffened.
He jammed his hands into his pockets. “There has to be a middle ground. A compromise.”
Suddenly I heard Evanthe’s voice in my head, telling me that when the heart was involved, it wasn’t a matter of time or distance. I softened. Just a little. He was trying. “I’m sure there is.”
He said, “Maybe I can look for a job around here that has limited travel. I’d be nearby but still get to spread my wings a bit.”
Blinking away moisture, I sighed, having trouble imagining him making even the smallest change. Would he follow through on any of this? Quit his job? Really?
More importantly, could I ever trust him with the girls again?
I wasn’t sure. Right now, I was leaning heavily toward no.
“I know this is a lot, Tallulah, but I want you to know I’m serious. I want to be a better father. I just need to know that you’ll give me the chance.”
It was only because of Katy that I didn’t immediately slam the proverbial door shut in his face.
In my mind, I could easily see her eyes when she looked at him.
All that love shining through. She deserved a devoted father.
Mary Joy, too. Hopefully he could become one before she was old enough to notice his shortcomings.
“Please, Lu.”
The tears had finally stopped, but my jaw ached as I said, “If you move back, I’m sure we can work something out for the girls.”
There. I’d left the door open a crack. Barely a hair’s width. It was up to him now, to make the changes. Make the effort.
“Thank you,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“Please don’t make me regret it, Scott. You’re not going to get another chance.”
He started down the walkway. “I won’t let you down. I promise.”
As I headed back inside, to my girls, I was surprised to realize I believed him.