Chapter 10 #4
And yet even as the thoughts whirled through his mind, he looked into her angelic face and saw what he had waited a lifetime for.
All he had to do was find the courage to take it.
To his chagrin, he who had stood strong and alone all his life, was now a coward who was terrified of a mere woman.
Because she did scare him. She and these unknown feelings inside him.
When he looked at her all those long-buried dreams surfaced and made him wish for things he had no right to wish for. Home. Family....love.
“Be grateful for what you have, boy. All bastards like you are fit for is wiping the asses of your betters.” Harold’s angry voice tore through him.
Unable to breathe, he reluctantly withdrew from her, got up and dressed.
“Sin?”
The sound of her voice sliced through him. He paused at the door torn between the need inside him to return to bed and take her into his arms and hold her forever, and the fear of her eventual rejection that made him want to bolt like a frightened animal.
For the first time in his life, he chose retreat. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
With no direction, Sin headed down to the great hall where he found his brother Ewan still sitting at the table, drinking ale alone.
“What are you doing still awake?” Sin asked as he took the vacant seat next to his brother.
Ewan drained the cup and poured more. “I’m not dead with exhaustion yet. You?”
“Same.”
Sin grabbed a cup and poured it full.
Ewan grunted at him as Sin downed the contents in one gulp. “What a pair we make, eh?”
Sin poured another goblet full. “How so?”
“Both of us tormented by our pasts.”
Sin fell silent as more memories surged. He knew the guilt and pain of his brother. Knew how much the past wore on Ewan’s battered conscience. “Thinking of Kieran tonight?”
Ewan nodded. “Every night. His face haunts me each time I try to sleep.”
“Aye, I well understand. I see the men I’ve killed.” He took another swig of ale. “I never knew most of their names.”
“That would be easier than knowing you killed your own brother.”
Sin pushed his chair back so that he could level a glare at Ewan. “Kieran killed himself.”
“Aye, over what I did to him.”
“It’s still not your fault.” Ewan had been nothing more than the pawn of a beautiful woman who had possessed no heart. Kieran had made his own decision and poor Ewan had been left behind to suffer for both their actions.
Sin felt for him and would give anything to alleviate Ewan’s pain. But he doubted if there was enough time in infinity to ever ease his brother’s heart.
Ewan started to pour more ale, then tossed the goblet over his shoulder and drank from the pitcher instead. “Damned cups are never large enough,” he muttered. He tilted his head to look at Sin. “So, why are you here when you have such a beautiful bride warming your bed?”
That was an easy question to answer. “Because I’m a hypocritical fool.”
“Well, at least you know it.”
Sin smiled wryly. “You know, I’m thinking tonight that I owe Braden an apology.”
“For what?”
“Words I said to him while we were in MacDouglas territory with Maggie. I’m finding it much easier to give advice than to live it.”
Ewan frowned. “Remember, brother, that I am drunk and none of that made a bit of sense to my fogged mind.”
Sin took a deep breath. “I told Braden that he should take a chance with Maggie and find out if they were meant to be together. Now I find myself unable to live up to those words.”
“You want to take a chance with Maggie?”
Sin tossed a small loaf of bread at his brother. “Why don’t you go to bed and sleep it off.”
“I will eventually. Not drunk enough yet.”
He arched a brow at that. The entire time he’d stayed in Scotland with his brothers while he healed his burn wounds, he’d noted how often Ewan stayed up well into the late night, drinking alone. “Tell me, does Lochlan know how much you drink?”
“No one knows. Not even me.”
Sin grabbed Ewan’s arm before his brother could take another drink. “Maybe you should refrain some.”
Ewan growled and shrugged his hold off. “Since you can’t live by your own advice, don’t try be giving it to me.”
Sin shook his head as Ewan finished off the entire pitcher, then got up to find more.
Ewan had believed Isobail ingen Kaid had loved him. First he had fought Kieran to possess her, even to the point they had almost killed each other over her, then Ewan had defied their father and brothers to run away and marry her.
Before Ewan could marry her, she’d run off with another man and left him all alone in northern England. Heartbroken, Ewan had returned home to find his family mourning the death of Kieran who had committed suicide the day Ewan had left with Isobail.
The double blow had ruined his brother.
Ewan had taken that chance for happiness and he had ended up embittered and alone, living in a cave in the hills with no one to care or notice how much ale he consumed.
Sometimes the chance for happiness wasn’t worth taking.
Sin stared at his own cup. He could count his pleasant memories on the fingers of one hand. Happiness had always been beyond his reach.
He was a fool to think otherwise.
His heart heavy, he knew he couldn’t keep Caledonia for his own. Come the morrow, he would concentrate on finding the rebels and then he would leave her.
Surely the Pope would grant her an annulment. The man hated him with enough venom to gladly dissolve a marriage that should never have been.
Aye, he would set her free. It was the only decent thing for an indecent man to do.