Chapter 13 #2
Did he want to hear it? What if she said the words? And what if he loved her back?
She tried one more time. “I don’t want to see you anymore, Edgar.”
He drew back. “That’s why you’ve avoided me all week.”
Andromena gave a small nod.
“Liar,” he said, and his amused look masked the pain in his voice.
It threatened to shatter her. “Why does it matter to you? And why is it so hard to believe I no longer want to see you?”
Edgar placed his lips a breath away from her own. “Because I know.”
“Edgar,” she said, choked on tears. “Y-You continue to break my heart.”
He blanched. “I—”
“You made a fool of me that day near Ermine Street,” she said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “You used your charm to trick me. On the day of Meghan’s wedding to Hartwell, I was ready to follow you anywhere, to do anything to be with you.”
Andromena could as well have been pointing a loaded pistol at his chest for the way he recoiled at every accusation. A spasm twisted his features, and he let her go.
“Andromena,” he croaked. “My God. I—”
“No!” She pushed his chest. “You don’t get to pity me. You don’t get to act as though you weren’t the one who broke my heart.”
Edgar stretched his palms up in supplications. “I am so damned sorry.”
Andromena slapped his hands. “Stop! I said—”
“I have been an unmitigated ass. A blackguard. I have insulted you, when you deserve only praise,” he said hoarsely. “Let me make amends. Please.”
Why must he beg and make this even more impossible? When he was arrogant and condescending, it was easier to convince herself it wouldn’t be so hard letting him go.
Tears burned her eyes, and she whipped her head to the left; not wanting him to see her misery.
“Enough,” Kerr hissed. “You will not cry.”
“If my crying bothers you, then—”
Kerr slammed both palms against the rock wall behind her head, sharp flit and rough tufa splintered around them. “You’ve got it wrong,” he rasped. “I hate your tears. They tear me apart, and I hate feeling torn apart.”
“O-Oh.”
His features softened. “Oh, darlin’.”
Kerr stroked his other palm along the line of her cheek. “I despise that no matter what I say or do, it is always wrong with you.” His old frustration flared back. “I’m a blasted rogue, damn it. I’m a charmer.”
Andromena caught the corner of her mouth between her teeth, but it was too late—he had already seen her tender smile.
Her throat buckled.
She would miss him so much.
“There will only ever be you, Edgar. Being around you i-is,” Her voice broke. She lifted her shattered eyes. “It is killing me.” It would kill her to never see him again—she knew. These past hellish days had offered a glimpse at her grim future. “Because I love you.”
He stared at her so long, she thought maybe every word she spoke to him had only been in her head.
Andromena dampened her lips. “Edgar—”
He held a finger up.
Andromena waited, allowed him to come to terms with what she shared.
And when he didn’t, she told him again. “I love you.” She took a step nearer.
He tripped in his haste to get away from her.
She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“You don’t even like me.”
“Most times, no.”
At the absence of his laugh, she said; “I’m joking.”
“I’ve been an arse to you. You said so yourself.”
“A lot of times, yes.” She lifted a shoulder. “Alas, even a battered heart doesn’t seem to care. I truly believed that day during the winter storm you had come for me, then you took my first kiss and that sealed it.”
“Well, it bloody shouldn’t have!”
Poor Edgar. He couldn’t realize she wasn’t begging for his love; she was pushing him away.
“The night you told Oleander I was going to not only find a suitor, but marry a man who was bigger and stronger and more powerful than all the sapskulls in London, who’d surely make him pay for such blasphemy, I fell a little bit in love with you.”
“Did I say that?”
His voice croaked the same way all her male kin had when their voices were changing.
Her heart dropped, he didn’t even remember it. More charming words.
Andromena pressed her palms along his lapels and his heart raced under her hand. “And then you sang a duet with me, when none of my brothers or cousins would.”
The knob in his throat moved.
“I’m not the marrying sort, Andromena”
“Most sailors are not, but—”
“I need to say this, darling.”
Andromena stayed silent.
He raked his hands through his tousled hair. “Andromena, I cannot marry you.”
Oh, God. That’s what he thought she was asking.
Yes, he was taking this exactly as she’d expected he would, with utter horror written all over his face. Telling him her truth had been all it took to push him away. He might chase, flirt, and charm, but her love was what made him cower.
“Goodbye, Ed—”
“No!” He blocked her from leaving. “I need you to understand something. There is…you are…a remarkable woman.”
She bit her quivering lip. Please, do not do this.
“I am not certain whether you know, everyone knows,” He grimaced. “That is, what I’m trying to tell you is—”
She pressed her fingertips to his lips. “You don’t owe me any explanation.”
“This isn’t what that is. Perhaps in part.” His words came rapidly. “My father was mad, Andromena. My grandfather. Many of my ancestors were. There is a long, long line of madness.”
She closed her eyes.
He was confiding things he wouldn’t otherwise.
Edgar incorrectly interpreted her silence and fell quiet.
She felt like a thief of a different sort—one who was stealing the most intimate parts of him, things he wouldn’t have otherwise shared if she hadn’t forced him to this moment. But she heard more in the silence he left hanging in the air…
He wanted someone to share his fears with. She would be that person for him. For him, she would be whatever he needed her to be.
“Will you tell me?”
He nodded. The slight knob in Edgar’s throat moved unsteadily.
And he did. And when he finished, she didn’t know how she was still standing. What he had seen, what he had endured… the fear he’d lived with. She wanted to take it all away.
Andromena stepped into his arms, folded hers around his waist, and held on to him.
She felt this big, proud man’s body stiffen, felt him hover his arms uncertainly around her waist, and then give in. He folded his arms around her and clung to her in return, as though she were the lifeline who’d brought him back from the darkness of his memories.
Andromena moved enough to lean up on tiptoe.
“Oh, Edgar,” she breathed against his mouth. “You can’t convince me you are unworthy of love—you’re worthy. Or that you’re damaged—you’re not.”
“But—”
“Your father was sick. The sick deserve compassion. If you ever became ill, I would not stop loving you. I would love you more, and I would care for you. If you cried, I would not think you weak. I would hold you, and we would make it right together.”
Something shifted in his features. The look on his face stopped the passionate flow of words. He gazed upon her like she was the moon and stars and seas he sailed combined.
It was too much.
Andromena made herself step away from him—forever.
“I love you, Edgar,” she whispered, pressing her hand to her breaking heart. “I just… needed you to know this.”
And then, she did the hardest thing she would ever do in her life.
She walked away from the only man she would ever love.