Chapter 16 Logan #2
She winces. “Yeah.”
“I feel bad that your brother’s in the hospital, probably because I told someone to break a leg. And when I fed Goldie and Kurt this morning, the entire bottle top popped off and all their Vitamin C–enriched flakes fell into the water. Into their home. I feel bad about that.”
My heart pounds against my rib cage, but at this point, I can’t tell if it’s the stress or adrenaline or Hazel doing this to me. I’m being negative, and Hazel’s not running away. She’s in this with me. I’ve never had anything like it before.
Now I’m pissed off, thinking about Hazel’s situation with her dad and the house. She doesn’t deserve to be treated the way she has. “It’s not fucking okay,” I say, gritting my teeth.
Hazel looks up at me, blinking. “What isn’t?”
“How it all falls to you. You can’t carry everyone’s burdens. It’s. Not. Okay.” Deep inside my chest, I feel frustration. It’s grating at my insides. I think it has been for a long time.
In response to that, Hazel gives me a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
“I even feel bad that I hyped up a milkshake you never got to try,” I continue. “I feel bad that our night at the firehouse got cut short and that you had to spend hours in the hospital.”
“I needed to make sure you were okay,” Hazel says, her voice softer. She gives my unbroken hand a light shake, my arm moving with the gesture. It makes me realize how rigidly I’m standing and how every muscle in my body is tight.
I take in a long breath and hold back the air, the discomfort, the shame. I haven’t been this worked up about anything in a very long time.
“For the past few weeks, there’s been nothing but problem after problem. Because of me. I hate that feeling,” I say, sitting on the edge of the stage.
“Or because of me,” Hazel says, looking down. She sits beside me. “Remember that’s my luck you have.”
“No. Now it’s mine. You didn’t do this. I don’t want you to feel any blame.
” Admitting that I’m not okay still hasn’t scared Hazel off.
It emboldens me. “When my parents got divorced, my mom changed. She became so… positive. After my dad’s affair, I think she wanted to put on a good face for me and my sisters.
She wanted to pretend everything was fine, but I heard her crying in her room every night after he left.
In the morning, you would never know it. ”
I pause, waiting to see if this is too much for Hazel. She’s alert, though, and waiting to see what I’ll say next, so I continue.
“After the accident, I wanted to talk to people about it. My ex-girlfriend, my mom, hell, even my dad. Any time I tried, I would just be told how lucky I was or scolded for how negative I was being about something that turned out okay. I couldn’t help but think that if I had just gone into someone else’s yard at a different time of day… what could’ve happened?”
“It sounds like you needed to process it,” Hazel says.
“Maybe so, but everyone in my life only wanted to see the positive in things. Which, I get it. Who wants to feel bad?” I ask.
“At some point, I just kind of accepted it, I guess. That became my role. My siblings and I all fell into line to help our mom. For a while, it felt like it worked. I was so out of control as a teenager. My parents were clearly unhappy, and alcohol numbed me. My actions felt like something I could control… until I couldn’t.
” I frown. “So then I started controlling my thoughts.”
“Yeah,” Hazel says. “Sounds like you suppressed negative emotions and put a positive spin on everything.”
“I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with my stress or shame. Still don’t,” I admit. “I’m the lucky one, and I’m so grateful for what my life has become. I survived, I got opportunities, I like my work. Things could’ve turned out very differently for me.”
“Just because you’re lucky and grateful doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel bad,” she says.
“I don’t say this because I want you to feel low.
But even if you positive platitude your negative feelings away, they’ll still be there.
Your issues will still be there. Recognizing when things aren’t okay—when you’re not okay—is just as important as spotting the good.
” She frowns a little as she says this, her eyebrows briefly pinching together.
It doesn’t take long to recall all the problems that need fixing at work and on my own body. I still have weeks to go in this damn cast.
“Yeah. I’m starting to realize that,” I admit. From the beginning, Hazel has been here, seeing me fail, make mistakes, be my least smooth self. It all could’ve easily driven her away by now, but it hasn’t. I wrap my arm around her. “There’s more I feel bad about.”
“Okay. What else?” Hazel asks, resting her chin on my shoulder as she looks up at me. Gazing into her brown eyes brings me a sense of calm, but my next words are still filled with something strong.
“I feel bad that it’s taken me this long to tell you how wonderful you are,” I tell her.
“You’re smart, and you have such good ideas, and I really like hanging out with you.
Also, have I told you you’re beautiful? I feel like I probably haven’t said that enough.
” I squeeze the bill of my hat as Hazel lets out a quiet laugh.
“The way you see me…” she says softly. “I’ve never really seen myself that way.”
“I wish you would. It’s one hell of a view.”
She nudges me as her cheeks pinken. Something about the honesty of her reaction makes me want to open up even more.
“Mostly, though,” I continue. “I feel bad that the other night I tiptoed around telling you exactly how I feel about you.”
She bites down on her smile. “And how is it you feel about me?”
“I feel really fucking good about you, Zel.”
She side-hugs me harder. “I feel really fucking good about you, too, Gan.”
“I feel really fucking sad about that chandelier,” Richie’s voice says, startling us both. “You know how long it took me to hang that? What happened in here?”
Hazel and I jump up to meet him.
“Chaos. It’s all chaos,” I say, grabbing the broom and sweeping up the last bits of debris.
“I swear this theater is haunted!” Richie says, grabbing the garbage bag from me. “Logan, you look like hell. Take that break. I’ve got you covered. If I see you in here this weekend, I’m reporting you to HR.”
“I want to report HR to HR,” I say to him.
Richie lifts his hand above his head as he’s walking away, like I don’t want to hear it. “I don’t want to see you ’til Monday!”
With that parting comment, Hazel looks at me with curiosity. “You’re taking a break?”
“It’s not a break.”
“Where are you going?” she asks.
With everything going on, I must’ve forgotten to tell Hazel about Maine.
“I told my mom I’d visit. I’m driving up early Saturday and coming back Sunday, so it’s a quick turnaround.
I typically work shows during the holidays, so I won’t be able to visit for the rest of the year.
” And since I’m on a roll, I add, “I do also feel bad that dress rehearsal starts next week and I’m leaving for the weekend at literally the worst time. ”
“And you’re driving because of what Bo said, aren’t you? To avoid planes?”
“Exactly. The drive will eat up most of the time I could’ve spent there, but better to be safe.”
She nods. “If there’s no way you can get out of it, then let’s go. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “Let’s?”
“I don’t like the idea of you driving alone in a car for that long, given… you know,” she says. “I’m off from the shop this weekend.”
She’s right. With the way things are going for me, I’ll probably get two flat tires.
“It could be good for us to get out of town,” Hazel adds. “The press conference coverage won’t be as intense in Maine as it is here.” She rubs my shoulder. “And I know what it’s like to not want to go home. Maybe it’ll be more… pleasant… if you have someone there with you to get through it.”
I can feel that damn smile again.
“It would mean a lot to have you there. I would really like that,” I say. “But you don’t need to do that for me. I can’t ask that of you.”
“You’re not asking. I am,” she says with more certainty. She looks me straight in the eyes when she says this next part. “Logan, you’re not alone in this. You’re not alone in any of it. Not anymore.”
I didn’t know I needed to hear that.
“Okay?” she says.
Half of me falls in love with Hazel right then and there, but I keep that part to myself and just say, “Okay.”