Chapter 8 – Azaria
AZARIA
Time stopped meaning anything. Or maybe it never meant anything, and I forgot.
I tried counting again. Lost the rhythm. Started over. Lost it again. Numbers slipped away like water through fingers I couldn’t see.
Was that my heartbeat or someone else’s?
Too loud. Everything too loud inside my head and nothing outside.
Nothing.
Nothing.
The cold wasn’t cold anymore. It was part of me now. Or maybe I was part of it. Hard to tell.
I thought about the squad. Tried to hold on to their faces. Reyna’s grin. Fierce and bright?—
Gone.
Couldn’t hold it. Tried again. Kael’s eyes. Dark and?—
No, that was someone else. Who? Dain. Dain’s eyes. Brown. Steady. He was steady. Always steady.
Hold the line, Az.
Did he say that? When? Now? Before? I was holding something. Wasn’t I?
The prayer. I could say the prayer. The mountains watched you?—
No. Wrong. Start again. The mountains?—
Eris.
His name hit me like a fist.
I saw him. Standing in front of me. Smiling that quiet smile he used to give me when I was spiraling.
You’re all right, he said. Breathe.
But he wasn’t here. He was dead. Four years dead. Wasn’t he?
The darkness pressed closer. Or maybe I pressed into it. Couldn’t tell which.
My hands were on the stone. Cold. Real. I held onto that. Stone was real. But my hands felt far away. Like they belonged to someone else.
Captain.
A voice. Whose?
Captain Sylvenhart.
Quinton? No. Not Quinton. Someone else. The interrogator. The Truthteller. When did he get here?
Light. Sudden and blinding. I flinched, squeezed my eyes shut.
Hands on my arms. Lifting me. I couldn’t feel my legs.
Stand up.
I tried. Failed. Tried again. The room tilted. Or I did. Stone under my knees. When did I fall?
Questions. He was asking questions. I heard them. Understood the words. Couldn’t make them connect.
Did you?—
Have you?—
Were you?—
Yes? No? I didn’t know.
The stone pulsed. Warm light. Truth. But I didn’t know what the truth was anymore.
He asked again. Same question. Different words. Or maybe it was a different question. Everything sounded the same.
I answered. Something. Heard my voice like it was coming from somewhere else. Rough. Cracked. Not mine.
He stopped asking. Looked at someone I couldn’t see. Shook his head.
Then I was moving again. Back through the dark. Back to the cell.
The door shut.
Silence swallowed everything.
I sat down. Or maybe I was already sitting.
Time folded in on itself.
The squad. I needed to remember the squad.
Thorne. Silent. Strong.
Zephyr. Lightning. Sharp tongue.
Lyra. Gentle. Needed protection.
Quinton.
His face. I could see it. Almost.
The rooftop. Stars overhead. His hands on my waist.
We should go back.
But we didn’t go back. We stayed.
No, that was wrong. We left. And then?—
And then?—
I couldn’t remember.
The cold crept back in. Deeper now.
My breathing was too loud again. Or too quiet.
I pressed my palms flat against the floor. Stone. Cold. Real. But even that felt uncertain.
Torven’s voice. Sudden. Clear.
You think you’re strong enough to defy me?
No, he wasn’t here. He was in Vasirien. Far away. But I heard him anyway.
You’ll break. Everyone does.
I shook my head. Felt the movement. Felt nothing.
I wasn’t breaking. I was holding.
Wasn’t I?
The silence pressed in. Filled the space where my thoughts should be.
I went very still.
Stopped trying to count. Stopped trying to remember.
Sat there in the dark. Waiting for something.
I didn’t know what.