Chapter 2
Dean
I woke to a strip of light streaming across the room from Lily’s bathroom, and her side of the bed empty. Rubbing my tired eyes with the heel of my palm, I slowly sat up as if that might help me understand why she was up so late.
My phone said it was midnight.
Through the gap in the bathroom door, I could see her reflection in the mirror.
She stood in front of it wearing an oversized navy-blue T-shirt — one of mine — and light blue checked pajama pants as she lifted the hem of the shirt to examine her scars.
She went to touch them, her finger coming within inches of her skin, until she brought her hand back to holding the shirt and pressed her lips together.
I rested on my elbows as her brow furrowed, and she looked at her face in the mirror. She sighed heavily, coming to some unspoken conclusion behind those sad blue eyes as she let the shirt fall over herself and braced her hands against the basin, looking down.
I got out of bed, adjusting the waistband of my sweatpants as I rounded the bottom of the bed and neared the door. The light was bright against my pupils as I half squinted and knocked lightly.
Several seconds passed before she pulled the door all the way open and offered me a small, guilt-ridden smile.
“Did I wake you?”
“No,” I lied, brushing a hand over my hair as I forced back a yawn. “You okay?”
Great question, dumbass.
“Mhm.” It might’ve been believable if her voice hadn’t gone up an octave.
My eyebrow lifted automatically while my eyes grew accustomed to the light. I leaned against the doorframe. “Are you comin’ back to bed?”
“In a minute.” Her smile wavered again.
I dropped my head against the frame. “Lily—”
“I won’t be long, I promise. Go back to bed.” She stepped closer, lifting her hand towards my face.
In my half asleep, but trying to be a fully awake and supportive boyfriend state, I expected her to caress my cheek. It would have been the first time she reached out physically in a week. I missed the feeling of her hands on my skin.
She patted me on the head instead, shared another of her reassuring smiles, and closed the door.
I blinked, processing the interaction.
Grumbling to myself, I went to bed but lay awake, staring at the ceiling in the dark. I was her boyfriend and deserved some kind of explanation.
She needed time and would talk when she was ready…
But we also need to communicate.
I was tired of feeling like I was looking in from the outside, waiting for her to crumble. I knew what she was going through and knew what bottling up trauma could do. I never had someone to talk to about mine until her, so it was my turn to return the favor.
So long as I didn’t come across as a pushy dickhead.
Lily was in the bathroom for several minutes before quietly entering the room again.
Her bed socks scuffed the carpet as she went.
She barely jostled the mattress when she climbed in and tucked herself beneath the covers.
I wasn’t sure she was aware I was awake.
She remained on her side with her back to me.
The gap between us felt too far.
I inhaled sharply through my nose and flicked on the lamp beside me. “Yeah, we’re not doin’ that.”
She rolled over, blankets pulled up to her chin as she looked at me with confused, wide eyes. “Doing what?”
“You were worried at one point about what’s going on in my head, so now it’s my turn.” I faced her, resting on my side, and spoke a little softer. “Talk to me.”
“I’m not doing it on purpose.”
“Okay, so what’s wrong?”
Lily sat up slowly, crossing her legs beneath the sheets as she turned to face me. A strand of hair fell from her braid as she glanced down at her hands in her lap. “There’s nothing to talk about—I mean, there is, but I can’t explain it…”
I was fighting every urge in my body wanting to reach out and touch her, to comfort her. Maybe she didn’t want that yet.
“I feel like I’m broken…” she said.
The words came like a punch to my own heart.
Lily frowned at herself. “But I’m confused because I know I should be grateful I didn’t die. I should be happy I’m here. With you. And for a little while after the hospital, I was… But then I see myself, and I wonder why you’re still here.”
I frowned this time as my chest squeezed. “Where else would I be?”
“Anywhere else but with someone who’s been nothing but a shell these past couple of months?... I see the way you look at me, like you’re worried I’m going to break, and it makes me wonder why you’d bother staying.”
“I offered to be here, remember? I wanna be here.”
“Are you sure, though? I don’t think you’ve had a good enough look at the scars on my skin to say that. I’m not exactly desirable anymore.” She sighed and dropped her face to her hands. “That sounded different in my head.”
“Lily.”
She looked up, chewing the inside of her cheek.
“What part of me sayin’ I love you did you not get?” I carefully reached for her face, and for the first time in a while, she let me touch her, pressing her cheek into my palm. “That includes scars and your overthinkin’ brain. I’m not going anywhere.”
I shouldn’t have said it, but it had slipped out before the thoughts of prison reminded me how much time I had left with her.
Sure, there were visiting hours, but that wasn’t the same as being with her like this.
Just the two of us in the quiet. I also didn’t like the idea of her going through metal detectors and body searches only to sit in some seedy visitor’s room waiting for me to be led out of a cell.
Lily smiled briefly, despite the sadness in her eyes, and then slowly moved closer.
Her lips were inches from mine, but she paused, looking over my face before gently brushing a strand of my hair away from my forehead.
“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.
“Yeah, you do.”
My heart backflipped when she brought her soft lips to mine, kissing me so tenderly and slowly.
Each kiss was hesitant, but grew hungrier as she melted — her walls were slowly coming down.
Without really thinking, my hand drifted to her waist, jostling her shirt enough for my fingertips to skim across her scar.
She tensed, and I quickly removed my hand.
“Sorry—”
“No, it’s okay.” There was a faint spark of urgency in her eyes. “It’s strange being touched there. I half expect it to explode with pain whenever it’s bumped.”
“Is there pain?” I glanced at her side and then searched her face. Still so close to my own, I could kiss her again.
“No pain.” She shook her head. “Just butterflies. Lots of butterflies.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m nervous. But in a good way.”
I was lost for a second, thinking the nerves were from communicating how she felt, until I paid attention to the look she was giving me. I missed that look — the silent invitation within it.
“It’s only been a month and a half since the accident,” was the first coherent thing to leave my mouth. It was a better choice of words than the, fuck it, let's go, that raced through my head.
“I know.”
“And you’re okay with it? Just a second ago, you weren’t exactly—”
“That month and a half has been too long...” Her hands drifted to the hem of her shirt. But then she hesitated. “There is something I should mention… I haven’t really shaved since leaving the hospital.”
I shook my head. “Not an issue. Ever.”
She smiled a little again and returned to lifting her shirt, inhaling as if preparing to step from her comfort zone.
“Wait.” I needed to apply logic and not let my dick ignore any potential warning signs — any tells that might say she wasn’t fine. “This is what you want?”
“I think, maybe, it might help. Just throw caution to the wind, type of thing. Remind me of what I’m missing.” She offered me a faint smile and a raise of her shoulder.
“Should we have a safe word? In case it gets too much for you and you need to…” She slowly peeled the shirt off, and my train of thought went out the window. “…stop.”
In the cool air of the bedroom, her breasts peaked as she took a steadying breath beneath my gaze. The scars were there, but were nothing compared to everything else. Her shape, her soft, petite curves, and the way her chest rose and fell with every breath.
My blood rushed south. “Yep. Still desirable.”
She huffed a bashful laugh, blushing in the warm lamplight. Her smile alone caused my heart to hammer against my ribs.
“I think stop will be fine.” She loosened the braid in her hair until the silken, gold-brown waves hung just below her shoulders.
I raised a brow, slowly lifting my gaze from her body.
“Touch me, Dean.”
Goosebumps rose along the back of my neck at the gentle command.
My hand drifted to and up her thigh as I rose to kiss her.
Every inch of me burned to move faster, but I kept it steady for her, laying her back gently, my lips on hers.
Not quite on top of her, I brought a hand to the side of her throat, where her pulse fluttered beneath my palm, and caressed her jaw with my thumb.
She tentatively curled her fingers into the back of my hair and welcomed me deeper, parting her lips and nudging her hips closer.
I guided my mouth to the other side of her throat, where her soft skin burned, and skimmed my hand down her body, just missing the scar. She arched into my hand until I reached her pants.
“Is this okay?” I asked against her skin.
When she didn’t respond right away, I pulled back to see her face.
Her gaze was heated, but her lips trembled slightly as she offered me the faintest of smiles. And then shook her head slightly, blinking as her eyes flicked down to where my hand was.
I brought it to her face, trying to meet her eyes again. “Slower?”
“I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” she said quietly. “My mind is all over the place.”
“We can stop.”
She watched me a little longer and then inhaled like she was trying to settle herself.
“We could cuddle?” I shrugged.
Lily laughed softly.
I smiled. “What?”
“I don’t know why hearing you say cuddle sounds so out of place.” Her eyes shone with amusement.
I traced my fingertips along her jaw to her chin. “Voglio tenerti tra le mie braccia, amore mio.”
As my thumb caressed her bottom lip, her lashes fluttered. “And what does that mean?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Of course.”
“Turn your back to me.”
She was a little confused but turned on her side, facing away from me.
“Now scoot back.”
It dawned on her what was happening, and she smiled broadly as she backed herself into me. I wrapped my arms around her. She wasn’t as hesitant this time and snuggled against me to get comfortable. Soft and warm with her head on my bicep.
“Better?” I murmured.
Lily nodded, finally content as she closed her eyes.
For a moment, it was easy to forget how bad everything was.