Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
CALLUM/CASH
Now
Forgotten Sins & Faithful Hearts
The hardest memories aren’t the ones she forgot. They’re the ones I can never escape.
Ican name a thousand reasons why Jaxon wouldn’t want to be at our wedding, but I refrain for a moment. I glance up at Livianna from where I’m preparing the chicken. “Why? Did he say something that made you believe he wouldn’t wanna come?”
“No, but he wouldn’t give me an answer about being there.” She crosses her hanging legs at her ankles and rests back on her palms. “He’s confusing, though, so I could be reading into things.”
The weight of the nipple clamps I found in the spare bedroom closest press against my leg. They’re tucked away in the pocket of my board shorts. A vision of Jaxon and Livianna flits into my mind.
Fire flares in my chest just thinking about her being with Jaxon in that way, but I hold it in. “If he doesn’t show, there won’t be any skin off my back.”
“Okay then.” She nods once, accepting it.
I turn back to the stove. The kitchen settles into peaceful quiet, nothing but the sizzle of the oil in the pan and the low hum of the refrigerator cycling.
We’re good at this. There’s no need to fill every gap between us. Except there’s a burning question running on repeat in my fucking head.
“Hey, Lily.” I flip the chicken, peeking back at her. “Are you happy?”
She tilts her head. “That’s a broad question.”
“I’ll narrow it then.” I pick up the tongs and transfer the first breast to the plate. “Are you happy with us?”
“Beyond.” She shifts behind me. “Why?”
“No reason.” I set the tongs down and face her. “Just making sure.”
She tracks over my expression, studying me. “Why? Am I not showing you enough?”
“No, you are.” I place my palms on her thighs. “Wanna get specific?”
“Callum…” Her mouth curves at the corners. “How specific?”
“Pretty specific.”
She smiles bigger. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”
“Depends on what you think I’m asking.” I tap the tip of her nose. “Are you satisfied, Lily?”
“Yes.” The caution in her voice screams.
“Are you satisfied with everything between us?”
“Like?”
“Are your needs in bed being met?” I stare into her eyes. “Be honest. I can handle it.”
“That’s an interesting question to drop on a Wednesday night.”
“Best kind, if you ask me.” I stay where I am and give her room to work out how to answer. “Well?”
“You know how I feel.” She sits taller. “Of course I am.”
She answers fast and cleanly, and I clock every word.
“Nice.” I push away from her and turn back to plate the second breast. “No hesitation on that one.”
“Should there be?”
“No.”
She jumps off the counter. “I think you’re fishing for a compliment.”
“I’m not fishing.” I reach for the pan. “I’m asking.”
She joins me, resting against the area beside the stove, and tilts her head to one side. “Those are the same thing right now, Callum. You want me to tell you that you’re good in bed.”
“I wanna know the truth." I plate the second breast and set the pan aside. “There’s a difference.”
She goes quiet for a beat. Three seconds, maybe four. I drag the spatula across the pan, focusing on the edge, giving her room, and noticing every second of silence she takes.
“Callum, you’re incredible in bed. You always have been.”
I set the spatula down and turn her way. “Is there anything you want that you’re not getting?”
She draws her eyebrows together. “Where is this coming from?”
“Just curious.” I tip her chin up to meet my eyes. “We’re getting married in a couple of months. Feels like the right time to ask.”
She rests her palm against my chest. “I love our sex life, Callum.”
The clamps press into my thigh. She’s not holding back. She doesn’t seem to remember what she had with Jaxon. And that means she doesn’t know to miss it.
“Good.” I cover her hand with mine and keep my expression relaxed. “Just wanted to make sure.”
We break apart. I carry our dinner to the table. She follows and takes her seat across from me.
The food is straightforward: grilled marinated chicken, rice from the cooker, and the vegetables she cut up on Sunday when she was doing meal prep. We settle into meals without ceremony.
She picks up her fork and holds it without using it. “Can I ask you about the years I can’t remember?”
I give her my full attention. “Yeah, Lily. Ask and I’ll see if I can help you get some answers.”
She takes a beat, fiddling with her utensils. “What happened after we broke up? I know I moved, but what happened before that?”
The honest answer is long and layered. It runs through a name I’d rather not say at this table tonight, or ever, if I had my way.
I pick up my fork and cut into the chicken. “What do you wanna know about?”
“What went on after I found you and Zara together?” Livianna’s cheeks grow red.
“You had a panic attack, and Guns kicked me out of our suite. He brought you back to California. We missed a show because of it, but that falls on Leon and Zara. Not you.”
“What were you doing?” She rests her elbows on the table. “I mean, after I left.”
“Just trying to survive without you.” I take a bite, and my stomach roils. I force a swallow and set the fork back down. “Leon had us locked into a schedule that didn’t leave room to breathe. Our tour was almost over, and I was waiting to come home and try to fix things between us.”
“What happened when you got home? Did we talk?”
I lean back and let the horrific memories surface. “Fucking hell. I’ve spent years trying to forget that time in my life.”
“Why? Was it something I did?”
How do I answer that? Yes, you were cruel, vindictive, slept around, and told me about it. And I was an addict who hated my life. But hey, it’s all in the past now.
No, that won’t work.
“Lily, we were both toxic.”
She absorbs that without pushing, which is one of the things I love about her. She doesn’t rush processing something.
She turns her glass in a slow circle. “Were you seeing anyone?”
“Nobody worth mentioning.” I take a drink of water. “Nobody serious.”
“What about me?” She leans back in her chair. “Do you know how I was dealing with our breakup?”
The dangerous part of this conversation just marched through the door and pulled up a chair. I keep my attention on the plate in front of me and choose my words the way you’d step across ice. Carefully.
“I know you launched your brand, Lehlani Rose Designs, but it started as Livianna Grace Designs. You changed the name when you moved to Paris. You worked a lot.”
“Were you keeping track of me?”
“Hard not to when your brother is my best mate.” I cut another piece of chicken. “Plus, your name was everywhere. The tabloids loved us even more after we split. They wrote about anything or anyone we were seen with. All conspiracy theories.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “Was I with anyone back then?”
And there it is.
I take another drink, longer this time, and set the glass down. “Lily…”
“I’m not trying to make this uncomfortable.” She rests her fork against the edge of the plate. “It’s just that five years of my life are blank, and it frightens me more than I let on.”
The discomfort in my chest spreads wide, and I breathe through it. She deserves the truth. She deserves all of it. But the part I’m sitting on is the topic that could unravel everything we’ve rebuilt, and I’m not ready to hand her that thread.
“Lily, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this anymore. The doctor said not to force things on you.”
“You’re not. I’m asking specific questions about a specific time. I’m ready to hear it.” She flashes me a pleading look. “Promise.”
“I’ll tell you what I know.” I reach across the table and cover her hand with mine. “But some of it’s not easy. Things were pretty ugly for a long time.”
“Okay. I understand.” The stiffness in her shoulders says otherwise.
“You’ve gotta tell me when you’ve had enough for one night.”
“I will.”
I take a bite of chicken and prepare myself for anything. “You start.”
“Well, do you know if I was dating back then?” She cuts her vegetables.
“From what I know firsthand, yes.”
Her gaze crawls up to mine, crimson cheeks and all. “Firsthand?”
“Yeah. I got back from touring, and you wouldn’t speak to me. I went to your room to wake you up and talk, but you wanted nothing of it.”
“What did I do?”
“You got up and locked yourself in the bathroom. The problem was, you had dumped your purse out and I saw a box of condoms. That fucking destroyed me.”
She sits straight. “That doesn’t mean anything. Maybe they weren’t?—”
“They were yours.” I scrape my teeth over my lower lip, trying to forget the pain I had over that event. “And you made it clear you weren’t gonna talk about it. I ran into you a week or so later, and you were with some guy. The timing is fuzzy. You know, from the drugs I was on.”
“Callum, I…” She places her palm on her heart. “Was I with him, as in dating him?”
“Yeah, you came out of the bathroom after having sex with him. I just happened to be standing in the line as you walked out.”
“Oh my god, Callum. I’m so sorry.” She gazes off to the side. “Why don’t I remember that?”
The question is rhetorical, and I know it.
“Let’s just say I’ve had better days.” The memory slices me raw.
Her eyes come back to mine. “What did you do when you saw us? I know your temper. I can’t imagine it went well.”
“The bastard was lucky. I had just gotten out of jail and didn’t wanna go back, so I let you guys pass by me, and that was about it.”
She gasps. “Callum. Why were you in jail?”
My stomach twists, making it hard to finish eating. “Livianna, I wanna help, but this isn’t sitting right with me. You’re asking me about a lot of shitty times, and my insides feel all jittery.”
“Oh, love.” She reaches for my hand, and I take it. “Am I triggering you?”
“I guess you could call it that.”
“Okay, let’s move on to something better.” She squeezes my hand. “Was there anything good that happened during that time?”
“Only that you dumped the guy after he fell in love with you.” My rib cage fills with lead. “The worst fucking years of my life.”
“Wait. How long did I date him?”