Chapter 34 #2
I surrendered full control over to Dion without even a fight. He had me completely caged in, holding my body and soul hostage as he commanded my head by claiming ownership of my hair. His other hand was splayed across my back, holding me like the possessive bastard he was.
And I couldn’t do anything else but yield completely to the force of nature that was Dion—and I was enjoying it.
But then our kiss ended abruptly. As Dion let go and unwrapped my hair from his grip, I took some deep breaths—something as trivial as air had been too unimportant during our worlds-shattering kiss.
I kept my eyes closed because I was not willing to face reality just yet, so I only opened them when he let go of me fully and stepped away from me. I instantly missed his warmth, and I dreaded the moment when his scent and taste would fade into nothingness.
It took me a moment to register that he was speaking.
“And even this changes nothing about what I’ve said, Jama. Keep that in mind. Something like this will never happen again.”
His reminder hit me hard, but I kept a straight—albeit flushed—face.
Smoothing down my hair, I simply nodded.
“As if I want a repeat or asked for a kiss in the first place, Dion. It was uncalled for.” Inwardly, I cringed.
Within moments, he’d obliterated the bliss he’d taken me to, and all I wanted to do was hurt him back, petty as it might have been.
“If you ever try something like that again, I’ll use my dagger.
No, I’ll use your dagger, as it’s been quite the successful move against predators who thought they could prey on me before. ”
“Good, then it’s settled. And now come, we’re going back to find the others.”
It wasn’t until I followed Dion through the night toward the fires of Samhain that I understood what he’d intended.
Because he knew me all too well, he’d utilized the unexpected kiss as a means to silence me and put an end to our discussion, understanding I’d rather face my late fiancé once more than engage in a conversation about the kiss or the talk preceding it.
Now, the topic and all the lingering possibilities concerning us were just as dead as Jelric.
The realization soothed and pained me at the same time, but I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it. After all, Dion projected the impression that he’d already left the last minutes behind him, appearing as smug and infuriating as usual.
A bit later, I found myself sitting on a bale of hay next to Antas. Everyone else had disappeared to gods-know-where. Good for them.
I clutched a bottle of disgusting alcohol I’d stolen from Fig. Normally, I didn’t drink—and neither did he—but so much had happened today. So what if I tried to seek sweet oblivion for once?
Antas was silent as I watched the fire and drank a generous sip. As I swallowed the burning liquid, the flavor reminded me of rotten elderberries drenched in acid, and it chased away the delicious taste, whose origin I refused to think about and tried to forget.
“I wonder, Antas—is my talent to amplify also suppressed by alcohol?”
“It should not be. It is the Wielder who have a vice that is able to lock their magic temporarily.”
“Apart from that hematite I heard before, right?”
Antas nodded. “Yes, that affects every Wielder.”
“What about me?”
“To a certain degree it may affect you as well, but there are many layers to it. To explain everything would be too much for the here and now.”
I nodded and focused on the fire again—the one in front of me and the liquid one in my hand.
I liked Antas, with his entirely no-nonsense demeanor.
He was never speaking unnecessarily, and although he rarely smiled, he was always level-headed and friendly.
It made me wonder if he or Dion was considered the black sheep of the family.
Antas was everything I wished my father would have been.
Supportive and reliable without trying to push me somewhere I didn’t want to go.
“May I ask you for your opinion on something?”
“Of course, Nayana.”
“I can’t stop pondering whether or not to consider the Rite of Binding.”
“You ponder if you should consider it? Sounds like a waste of mental energy to me.”
“No, more like I’m contemplating whether I should put my convictions aside and agree to it. Don’t get me wrong, no one is trying to pressure me. I just can’t get it out of my head.”
“I see.” Looking into the fire too, Antas wore a thoughtful expression as I waited patiently for him to continue.
“I think it is a good thing that you are thinking about it. I know this connection must seem like a cage to you, but it is not intended as such. If it were, why would free will be so important?”
Antas turned to me, and I reflected on his words before I continued. “Larithia mentioned that before. That it must be a fully consensual choice for the binding to form. But what if said decision is forced, through blackmail, for example?”
“The divine magic would know. This Rite originates directly from the gods. If you get rejected once, you won’t be granted another chance ever again—the forcing party, that is.
Also, I do not know if you are aware of it, but even in older times, Amplifier were rare, although more common than today.
No one did the binding on a whim. In the end, it is a decision for life. ”
“What if I go through with it and will regret it one day? Or the bonded Wielder will?”
“Of course, there is a chance, but I have never heard of such a thing happening before.” Antas looked at me, and it was as if he was able to see right into my soul. “You are not only conflicted about the binding in general but also with whom you consider doing it, right?”
I was only able to nod as I nursed my bottle. “He’s a complicated person.” We both knew whom I was talking about.
“He is. His past shapes him just as much as you are formed by your own. Nayana, I will not lie to you. Having known Dion all his life, I can confirm that being connected on such a level to someone like him won’t be the way to a peaceful and easy existence. More like a constant challenge.”
“I’d be able to live with constant challenges. The problem I have is that whenever I think I know Dion at least a bit, he proves me wrong.”
Antas’ lips curled slightly upward, and he showed me one of his rare smiles. “I have watched the two of you for long enough to be able to tell that if someone has the chance to pierce through his armor, then it would be you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Some things are easier to understand from the outside.”
My bottle was already half empty, and my brain slightly lagged behind. Still, I was sober enough to grasp that Antas might be right.
“Maybe. Doesn’t feel easy at all from my point of view.”
“Consider this if you haven’t already. Do you think you are the only one asking yourself if doing the Rite and forming a lifelong binding are the right decisions? Have you considered that sometimes great power is balanced by immense weakness?”
“Until earlier, I thought so, yes. I’ve imagined he’d be quite eager to have access to more power. But I’m not so sure anymore. We had a small conversation earlier, and I think he’s just as hesitant as I am.”
“Is it bothering you?”
My unfocused eyes and blurry vision told me I’d had enough alcohol, and I placed the bottle on the ground in front of me. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Do you think Dion doesn’t want this because of me? Because I’m constantly refusing to accept his antics and delusions of grandiosity?”
Antas shook his head, then sighed. “And that is something the two of you should talk about.”
“Yes, because he’s so good at communicating.” Frustration laced my voice as I scratched an itchy spot under my left collarbone that was driving me crazy.
“As I have mentioned, it will be a challenge. The question, though, is: do you want this challenge at all? Or will your fear win out in the end?”
“And we’re back at the beginning.”
“Are we? I don’t think so.”
“What did you mean by my fear winning in the end?”
“You are either too stubborn or too afraid to take this step, just like my nephew. Maybe it is both. Dion has already told you that he will never try to convince you because you have been nothing but vocal about your aversion.”
I let out a frustrated groan at the whole situation.
Antas had been nothing but neutral, nudging my thoughts, trying to allow me to see things from all sides.
And I wondered if he was right in his implications.
Was I really fighting the Rite out of some stubborn principle and because of fear of the unknown?
I looked at Antas again, who suddenly seemed to be very far away with his thoughts.
I waited patiently, and when his eyes focused on me again, his features displayed an apology. “There’s one thing you must know, though. You both have to decide before you will arrive in Amalach.”
“You just saw that, didn’t you?”
Antas nodded. “It’s not always dreams. Sometimes, it pulls me in.”
“Did you also see how to decide?”
“No, it does not work like it. There is no premonition that is set in stone. In the end, everything is about choice, about decisions. But it is safe to say that Amalach will be some sort of crossroads. One road will open if you bind, the other if you do not. After that, the Rite will never alter the course of events anymore, not for the good, nor the bad.”
I nodded and sank into my own thoughts. A few weeks ago, I would have laughed if someone had told me I would believe in something like premonitions, about crossroads having an impact, maybe even on a bigger scope than just my personal life.
But everyone treated Antas’ hunches with such seriousness that it was hard not to fall in line, even if that meant I—and Dion—had to reach a decision within the next fortnight or so. I could feel the stress rising again.
Drawing a deep breath and thinking of everything that had happened today, I stared into the fire once more.
I’d already decided I wouldn’t join my old friends as they continued on their way to Ivreiana, although it would be the safer option.
I was already taking more risks than I’d ever done before.
Because what had caution ever done for me?
What had overthinking given me apart from massive anxiety?
So, at this very moment, I judged that I indeed had to talk to Dion.
Not tonight when I was tipsy, but soon when we’d be on the road again and both of us had time to digest the events of today.
A fortnight wasn’t long, but it had to be enough.
Smiling at Antas, I picked up my bottle and drank a last sip. “Thank you, Antas. You’ve helped me to see some things a lot clearer.”
“Anytime, Nayana. Anytime.”