Chapter 27 #2
Lorraine nods to indicate she understands.
Scott and Brianna would have found the grieving process practically impossible had they remained in the same village with Lucy’s body double continually pulling them back to the past. But now, for the first time, Scott considers how devastating it must have been for Lorraine to look in the mirror and see her sister reflected directly back at her.
Lorraine uses her index fingers to clear the tears from her eyes. Scott extracts a tissue from his jeans pocket and touches it to the end of his nose.
‘Right. Enough of this,’ Lorraine gives him a gentle shove on the chest with the palms of her hands. ‘The past is the past. We’re here for the future.’
They leave the station.
‘Camden Market?’ Lorraine suggests by the escalator leading into the depths of London’s underground system. It had been one of their favourite hang-outs as a foursome before Brianna came along.
Scott smiles. ‘Sounds great.’
They cross the busy road mobbed with taxis and delivery bikes towards Kings Cross, through the ultramodern shopping and eating centre behind the station.
‘Graham?’
Scott asks as they walk.
Lorraine shrugs.
‘I guess I was just too much. We separated three years ago. It’s cordial. I can’t blame him. Actually, I’ve started seeing someone. It’s new, but it’s fresh. Kind of exciting.’
It gives Scott such a lift to see the glimmer of optimism in her smile.
She might not be a blood relative, but Lorraine is a sister of sorts, and it kills him to think how much she’s suffered over the years.
They cross the wooden bridge towards the outdoor cinema and the repurposed industrial warehouses of St Pancras basin which now house foodie pop-ups, swanky restaurants and artisan shops.
‘You?’
Scott feels a small smile pull at his lips.
‘There is someone,’ he says slowly, looking up at the re-purposed gasworks buildings on the Regent's Canal tow path.
‘I knew it! I knew it! It’s that mother from the online parents' forum, isn’t it?’
Whilst Scott has restricted Lorraine’s access to Brianna, he has consented to her following the St Andrews Parent's online group. Lorraine says jokingly it is to stalk her niece, but he knows it is so she feels relevant.
‘Well …’
‘I knew you liked each other. All that pseudo seriousness about mattress toppers. You weren’t kidding anyone.’
‘Her daughter, Georgia, and Brianna are … well were … best friends.’
They walk in single file, stooping under one of the canal bridges as they head towards Camden Market. Once back in the fresh air, Lorraine straightens and spins around to face him.
‘Were best friends? Past tense?’ she says over her shoulder.
They stand to the side to allow a cyclist and a runner to pass in the opposite direction then fall back to walking side-by-side.
‘Long story,’ he replies. They talk as they walk, breaking off only to afford space for other pedestrians and path users.
They discuss Brianna, Lucy, the village they used to live in, which Lorraine is determined for him to visit again, and the wobbly step at the entrance to the pub that their oldest neighbour almost took a tumble down after a few too many on a Saturday night.
They arrive at Camden Market, select some food, and stroll through the cobbled lanes looking for a place to sit.
‘So, you’ve been screening my calls,’ Lorraine says when they perch in a spherical capsule dedicated to outside eating on the outskirts of the market. She says it in a sing-song voice, but Scott can hear a twang of hurt that she hasn’t quite managed to suppress.
He feels like a complete heel, because, if he’s honest, there’s a lot of truth in it.
Every time he spends time with Heather, Lorraine seems to sense it and sends a stream of unsolicited communications. Or perhaps it’s simply a function of Lorraine having a very busy job and him spending time with Heather over the weekend when Lorraine has more capacity to nag him.
‘Well, I …’
He pulls at his shawarma wrap whilst she takes a forkful of Mexican rice.
‘So, you have been avoiding me?’ But there’s no animosity in her voice. Of all the people, Lorraine, he now sees, gets it. ‘What’s going on, Scott?’ she probes. ‘You know I worry.’
Typically, Scott would dismiss the suggestion and cut her short, but something about the past few weeks has changed him: Brianna’s vulnerability, his sense of insecurity over Heather, his desperate need to self-protect and the fear of history repeating itself.
‘The person I’m sort of seeing? Well, not officially. But kind of. Her name’s Heather,’ he says. ‘I think I’m falling for her.’
Lorraine drops her fork and clasps his arm.
‘Scott. That’s great,’ she says.
‘Is it?’ He chews his lip and gradually forces himself to voice his insecurities, explaining how letting someone close would compromise him on so many levels. And although Lorraine clearly understands, she persists.
‘So, do I get to meet her?’
His face falls. ‘It’s not like that.’
‘What’s it like, then?’
The killer question.
‘I don’t know. She’s pulling back, I think,’ he says. Such insufficient words for the maelstrom of feelings he’s experiencing. ‘She wonders about you.’
A beat of silence bounces between them. ‘Me?’
‘You often call when we’re together.’
Lorraine’s eyes roll.
‘And what do you tell her?’
He sighs. ‘Nothing.’
‘Nothing? You don’t tell her what I keep trying to get you to engage with?’ Her voice takes on a sharp edge.
‘Nope.’
‘Never?’
‘Never.’ He clears his throat.
There’s a long pause during which some other people peek into their booth, assess the seriousness of their conversation, then promptly leave.
‘Scott, you need to call this lady, and you need to explain. Everything. No wonder she’s pulling back if she hears you taking mystery calls from a strange woman every weekend and giving her no context to them.’
The idea tugs at his heart. Thinking back, last weekend, when Lorraine called, Heather said, ‘Lorraine? Again? Right.’ She hadn’t said anything more, and she certainly didn’t ask for clarification.
But does he have the strength to go there? The thought of opening up the old wounds and exposing himself to anyone – Heather included – feels enormous.
‘Scott. If this is someone you are really falling for – and I’m guessing it is – then call her. Now. And explain.’
‘But my promise to Lucy.’
Lorraine’s eyes turn to steel.
‘No. No. You don’t get to do that, Scott. We deserve happiness you and I . After all this time. You must not let a promise like that stand in the way of your future happiness. Nobody would want that. Nobody.’
They both know she’s talking about Lucy.
Lorraine waits until their return trip along the canal to bring up the two things that are most prevalent on her mind: seeing Brianna and mediation with Leon.
Both things that Scott feels unable to countenance.
How would Brianna, vulnerable as she currently is, cope with seeing her dead mother’s mirror image in her aunt? It’s triggering enough for him.
And his answer about Leon remains a hard no. He still can’t understand how a mediation session where Leon apologises on repeat will be of any benefit to either him or Brianna.
Lorraine accepts defeat on these matters with grace.
‘I knew it was too much of a push straight off. But promise me something, Scott? Will you think about it?’
Scott promises he will.
‘Oh, and one more thing,’ Lorraine says as they make their goodbyes. ‘That lady, Heather? Call her. Explain.’
Scott considers Lorraine’s words about Heather when he’s on the train home. She’s right, of course. It’s time to peel back the protective layers and let Heather understand the full range of conflict he’s dealing with every single time they meet. But he won’t do it by phone.
He’ll find a better way.