18. Emmy
CHAPTER 18
EMMY
Is this what women want? Is it what you want?
Dawson’s questions from last night circle in my mind like a looped video. How am I supposed to answer that?
As much as I like Dawson, I wish he were a regular guy, not a professional hockey player. But that’s not possible. For this relationship to work, Dawson would have to give up hockey, or I’d have to leave Maple Falls, and I can’t chuck my responsibilities and abandon Mimi. This is my home.
I check my messages and see one from Gold Dog which makes my stomach squeeze. He’s one of the few people I can be myself with. I can tell him things I can’t share with Neesha or Mimi, and that feels safe in some weird way.
Gold Dog
Where did you get that video?
Romcom Book
What video? The hockey one? If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you. (Rulebook again!)
I recognize those guys. Aren’t they doing some charity match thing?
How do you know about the charity tournament?
It’s all over the internet. How are you getting these videos?
Remember the PISR’s rules about non-identifying information?
Telling me you’re going to the Ice Breakers’ games won’t identify you. Too many hockey fans. Are you in Maple Falls?
Yes. Why?
He doesn’t respond right away, so I set down my phone on the table. My hands shake a little because I just gave him a major clue. It’s not like he’s going to track me down, right?
I sit down for breakfast, and Mimi joins me at the table. Our typical routine is for her to eat shredded wheat squares while I eat Pop-Tarts. But today Mimi chooses a package of Pop-Tarts.
“What are you doing?” I ask. “You can’t eat that.”
“Changing things up,” she says. “Who says I can’t eat dessert for breakfast? You only live once.”
I stare at her in shock as she bites into the frosted strawberry rectangle.
“What has happened to you?” I ask. “Old people are supposed to be set in their ways.”
“That’s baloney,” she says. “And change is in the air.”
“That’s because it’s fall,” I say, shaking my head. “New seasons always feel that way.”
“But this one is different. More magical. I feel it in my bones.”
“Are you sure it’s not your arthritis?”
She laughs. “No. You don’t feel it too?”
I look down at my Pop-Tarts, unable to admit to her that I have felt something is different around here. Is it Maple Falls? Or Dawson?
I felt it on the night of the corn maze. Or maybe that’s what happens when you’re totally head over heels for someone. Everything feels like it’s sprinkled with magical fairy dust.
The front door opens, and Neesha enters, an avocado toast in hand. When we work on the same day, she always picks me up because my car is too unreliable.
“You missed a whopper of a book club meeting last night,” Mimi tells Neesha. “Someone got schooled in romance.”
“I did not get schooled ,” I correct. “Dawson got a little too cocky. I had to correct him.”
“I think he corrected you . Everyone voted he was right.”
Neesha stares at me. “Dawson came to book club?”
“Guys are welcome to come,” I say.
“For a romance book? I can’t believe Dawson would do that for you.”
“And he liked it,” Mimi adds, pouring herself a glass of the apple cider she bought at the fall festival.
“He didn’t say that,” I correct.
“Not in so many words, but he took notes on it. How many guys do that?” Mimi lifts an eyebrow.
Neesha’s jaw drops. “Emmy! He’s into you.”
I set down my Pop-Tart. “He is not into me.”
“Why else would he do all that?”
“Maybe he likes hanging out with senior citizens,” I say with a shrug, even though I don’t believe it.
Mimi laughs as she gets up from the table. “Honey, if you believe that, then I have a mansion in the Bahamas to sell you.” She wipes up her crumbs, then heads to her room to watch her morning shows.
“I know what the problem is.” Neesha looks at me. “You’re afraid people might start to talk about you and Dawson because it’s true.”
I frown. “I’m not afraid.”
“Yes, you are. You’re afraid what people will think about you dating a hockey player.”
I scoff. “Hardly.”
“Then why can’t you believe Dawson might take an interest in you?”
“So what if he does? He’s only here for a season. It can’t be anything more than a fall fling. And I’m okay with that. But I don’t want the rest of the world to know it.”
“Because you’re afraid they’ll think... what? That you’re not good enough for a long-term relationship?”
I don’t answer. It hits too close to home. We are two different people from two different worlds. Maple Falls seems like this magical place to him, but when the magic wears off and winter comes, he’ll see the truth. He loves hockey. That’s his first love. Not me.
My phone dings.
Gold Dog
Can we meet?
My stomach does a weird flip. I’ve never agreed to meet a stranger from the internet before, and Gold Dog has never asked me this.
“You’re still talking to Gold Dog?” Neesha asks, looking over my shoulder.
I quickly swipe out of the app. “Yes, occasionally.” It’s more than I’m letting on, but it feels weird to admit I’ve been talking to Gold Dog like he’s a good friend.
She stares at me for a second, trying to read my face. “He asked you to meet him.”
I sigh. “Just for the record, he hasn’t asked me before. I’m being very careful.”
“I’d snoop on his account. Make sure he’s not trying to catfish you.”
“I don’t think he’d do that. But I did accuse him of being a murderer the first time we talked.”
“Who is he? Where’s he from?”
I set the last bite of Pop-Tarts on my plate and brush crumbs from my fingers. “That’s the thing. I don’t know his real name. We made an agreement not to share any personal details. You know, because of the serial killer thing. To my surprise, he didn’t stop talking to me. We’ve become good friends.”
Neesha studies me. “What are you telling him?”
“After I said that no perfect guys exist and explained how the men in books set an unrealistically high standard, he challenged me to not give up on dating.” I shake my head. “We have this easy connection I can’t explain. Like we’ve known each other for years. Some people you just click with in life, you know?”
Neesha glances out the window. “He could be anybody. He could be a stranger you pass on the sidewalk or a prince from a foreign country.”
I laugh. “This isn’t a Hallmark movie, Neesha. I’m not sure I’d feel safe meeting a total stranger.”
“You could meet him somewhere public. A restaurant in town. If you see him and he’s scary, then leave. Or you could arrange for someone to be there, just in case. Like a bodyguard. Get your brother to do it.”
“I can’t tell Dan. He’d never let me do something this reckless.”
“Then get another hockey player.” Her face shifts. “I know! How about Dawson? He could sit at the bar and keep an eye on you.”
“Wouldn’t that be weird?”
“Not if you’re just friends with this guy,” she says. “Maybe it will force Dawson to figure out how he feels about seeing you with another guy.”
“I wouldn’t feel right asking Dawson,” I say. “Even though he’d make a fabulously intimidating bodyguard.”
“He would! And you’re not exclusive, right?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what we are. Friends who are dating for one season?”
Dawson shouldn’t be jealous of me having a drink with a friend, but it would make it clear I’m not pining for him once he leaves town.
“If you’re just friends with Gold Dog, why would it be weird? Whatever you decide, you can’t keep him holding on forever.”
“You’re right, but what do I say? I don’t want to meet him yet. I’m not ready.”
Neesha thinks for a bit. “Come up with some way to hold him off until you know. Make it a game for him. If he sticks around, you’ll know the friendship is real.”
When I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I text a quick note to Gold Dog.
Romcom Book
I will meet you. But I need to set some ground rules about this meetup.
Gold Dog
Sure. We can add them to the PISR. Does meeting me make you uncomfortable? I’m asking as a friend.
Honestly? Yes. I’ve been catfished before, and I’m not about to do that again. Plus, I’m dating someone. You’re dating someone. So this is a friends-only meetup.
I have to tell him this because I’m not going to sneak behind Dawson’s back.
Gold Dog
I agree.
Romcom Book
Our meeting was accidental. You found my video on your TikTok For You page. I want our meetup to be like that, too. So I’m gamifying it. The Ice Breaker charity games are starting soon. When those are over, if the Ice Breakers win more than they lose, I’ll see you.
So now it’s a game between us? What if the Ice Breakers lose more than they win?
Then we don’t meet. And yes, it’s out of our hands, like so much of life. I don’t feel ready to reveal who I am. My name isn’t something I hand out easily. Honestly, I’m not ready. A game is the only way, because then we both have to accept the outcome. It might not feel fair, but we can also let go of control this way.
I can’t accept not seeing you. I don’t want to wait until game five if I don’t have to.
Do you have a better suggestion?
When the Ice Breakers win and the goalie blocks at least forty-five shots, then we meet. It might be the first game or the fifth. But at least I have a chance. I have something important to tell you.
Why can’t you tell me now?
It needs to be in person. I can’t say more. But you’ll understand why when we meet.
Winning and forty-five shots? That should hold him off for now and will give me time to think about revealing who I am.
Someone knocks on the bathroom door. “You ready?” Neesha calls from the hall.
“Almost,” I say, realizing it’s now or never. Gold Dog needs an answer even though I’m caught between two worlds.
If I say yes to Gold Dog, that means someone will know my real identity. My name will be connected to my handle online and, potentially, to someone who could exploit me.
Even though having a secret BookTok account might not seem like a dealbreaker, this is the one area of my life that’s mine alone. It’s the only place my family doesn’t have a say in, where people care about my opinion because I love books. I’ve never felt like somebody who has a voice. I’ve never had fame or influence like my brother Dan.
But I have a voice here . People read books because I recommend them. Even my influence at the bookstore is slipping away because of Stewart, so this is all I have left.
Gold Dog has always made me feel like my voice is important. If I keep him waiting too long, he might give up on me. I could miss my chance at finally meeting someone who listens without judgment.
My heart does a weird beat-skip, like a rock skimming over the top of a lake.
Romcom Book
I’ll agree to it with one caveat: Either of us can back out at any time.
Deal.