Chapter 11
Now
The video cuts to a young woman with long red hair, red lipstick, and an eyebrow ring. She speaks directly into the camera.
@geminihypewoman: Okay, I’m jumping on this trend because it’s too funny not to.
Let’s see if I do it right . . . What you just saw is footage of the time I finally convinced my parents to pay for fashion school in New York City .
. . and then they found my Google Doc of all the bars my friends and I were going to hit the minute I got there.
So, as you can see, my dumb ass is now attending community college in Ohio and Hannah Cortland is on the floor.
Appreciate the realness from the queen of instability. #FutureSaints #ItWasGoingSoWell
The video cuts to a middle-aged man with a shaved head sitting behind the wheel of a car.
@awesomewilliams1: What you just watched is footage of me almost getting out of a speeding ticket.
Cop pulls me over on the highway and I’m sweating bullets.
Pulled up my collar to get a little more respectable, rolled down the window, showed my ID.
I’m real polite, crack a few jokes, and I watch this cop’s face go from tense to smiling.
Then he says, “You know what? Imma let you off with a warning,” and inside I’m thinking Score!
Then what does my dumb Alabama ass do? I say, “Thank you, Officer. I was just trying to get home in time to watch Auburn crush Bama.” That cop’s face went blank faster than you can say “Nick Saban superfan.” All of a sudden, my warning turns back into a ticket.
I should’ve known better than to namecheck football in this state!
Pour one out for all of us who only have ourselves to blame. #FutureSaints #ItWasGoingSoWell
Video 3, from @cutglassemotions: Footage plays of Hannah Cortland,
front woman of the Future Saints, falling headfirst into the crowd. The footage cuts to a young blond woman sitting at her desk in the middle of a dorm room. She wears an oversize sweatshirt with a University of Florida logo.
@cutglassemotions: Yeah, so that’s live footage of me swearing up and down to all my friends that I’m done with frat boys.
Like, never again, quitting cold turkey, buying a chastity belt.
Only to learn last night that the Sigma Chis are hosting a Barbie-and-Ken party.
And holy mother—Barbie? I live for that shit.
Fast-forward to me diving into a sea of boat shoes and STIs faster than this singer dove into the crowd.
RIP to my dignity. #FutureSaints #ItWasGoingSoWell