Chapter 26
Now
Footage plays of Hannah Cortland, front woman of the Future Saints, sitting to the left of host Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. The camera’s zoomed in on Cortland so she fills the frame. She wears a tight black dress and shifts in her seat. The look on her face is searing.
Cortland: I’m not trying to work through the pain, I’m trying to live inside it. Keep these feelings alive so she never fades.
She presses a hand to her heart.
Cortland: Honestly, if I thought the songs were helping me get over her, I’d stop making them.
The video cuts to a young woman in a dark bedroom lit by fairy lights strung above her. She sits on her bed wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood up. Tears roll down her cheeks. She speaks into the camera.
@willabeautyhacks: I don’t talk about this a lot—I know youguys are mostly here for my makeup tutorials. But two years
ago, I lost my mom to cancer. And I’ve never heard anyone describe how it feels better than Hannah Cortland.
I’ve been crying since I watched this interview.
When you lose someone, everyone expects you to want to heal and get better.
But what I really want is to burn down the world until someone gives my mom back.
It feels taboo to admit, because I know a lot of people are going to be in my comments saying, “Willa, you’re in denial, in the five stages of grief, and when you finally heal, you’ll accept your mom is gone and there’s nothing you can do,” but just . . . no.
The woman sniffles and rubs her nose.
@willabeautyhacks: Not everyone wants to heal. I’m scared that the moment I—
She makes air quotes.
@willabeautyhacks: “heal,” that’s the moment my mom really dies.
Because it’s the moment I stop fighting for her.
Do any of you remember that Robin Williams movie What Dreams May Come, where his wife dies and he journeys through heaven and hell to get her back?
I would give anything for that to be real. My mom deserves it.
This interview made me feel connected to Hannah, and I was thinking today about how strange it is to feel like you know a stranger because of their art or what they post online.
I guess that happens a lot nowadays. It’s, like, you can feel close and far away at the same time, and it’s weirdly similar to what it feels like to lose someone.
Like with my mom, I have all these memories of her, and pictures and videos.
She literally shaped me. You don’t get closer than that.
But I can’t see her or touch her or talk to her. She couldn’t be farther away.
Tears roll down the woman’s cheeks; she squeezes her eyes shut.
@willabeautyhacks: She’s a ghost now. Or maybe my love is the ghost.
She opens her eyes and pulls back her hood to reveal blond hair that nearly glows in the dark.
@willabeautyhacks: A couple days ago I dyed my hair to match Hannah’s.
I mixed my own color blend, but for anyone who’s curious, the closest dupe is probably Garnier Nutrisse Extra Light Buttery Blonde.
I’ve never been a fangirl before, but Hannah speaks to me.
It feels pure, this relationship we have.
She laughs.
@willabeautyhacks: This one-sided relationship where she doesn’t know I exist, and I’m out here watching her and crying over the things she says. Maybe I’m her ghost.
Sorry for rambling. I’m going to try not to be so emo in my next video. But if you’re out there watching and you’ve lost someone and you need to talk, you can always message me.
The woman smiles and wipes tears from her eyes.
@willabeautyhacks: This ghost on the internet will always answer back.