Chapter 34
Hannah
I must confess, I was surprised to get your request for a session,” says Dr. Xavier. “You’re not contractually obligated to see me again for another two weeks. Should I assume you missed my warm and sparkling personality?”
I blink a little longer than necessary. “Is that supposed to be a joke?” Ginny snorts from the other end of my couch, but doesn’t return my tentative smile. She’s been annoyed with me since New York.
Dr. X sighs from the laptop screen. “I’ve been told I need to work on my delivery. Comedy aside, what prompted your request?”
“Well.” I draw my legs up on the couch. I’m not sure how to tell Dr. X that things seem to be spinning even more out of control than usual. “I guess with everything going on lately, I thought it might be smart to check in.”
If I didn’t know better, I’d say Dr. X looks proud.
“I’m happy you’re learning to reach out for help.
Should I assume ‘everything going on lately’ is a reference to .
. . ” She waves a hand at her own perfect blunt bob.
“I saw the pictures from right after you shaved your head. They were on my Yahoo current events page.”
I bite back the urge to ask Dr. X what the hell she’s doing using Yahoo in 2024 and simply say, “I hardly think my haircut counts as
a current event.”
“How did it happen?”
Reflexively, I reach up to touch the shaved side of my head.
It’s been almost a week and I’m still not used to the strange stubble on my scalp.
Bowie swears I look badass, but Kenny and Ripper told me it looks like I got a lobotomy.
“It was after we performed on SNL. We were at the after-party, and one thing led to another, I guess.”
“I caught your episode. I thought you were great.”
“I was happy with the performance, which is rare. Even Roger said we nailed it.”
“It sounds like you were having a good night. Were you riding a high when you shaved your head?”
“Definitely not.” I pause, and Dr. X waits patiently. “I was drunk, for one. We were at this loud restaurant, and Roger kept feeding me drinks. I didn’t want them, but I drank them anyway.”
“Why?”
Ginny punches one of our throw pillows and lays her head on it. “Because of Theo.”
“Because Theo cares about making Roger happy,” I admit.
Dr. X taps her pen against her notebook. “And you care about making Theo happy?”
“Ha!” Ginny says, warming to the conversation. “She’s got you.”
Telling the truth feels like pulling teeth. “I guess so.”
Dr. X nods. “Go on. So you were drinking to please Roger to please Theo, and then what?”
“One of the SNL comedians shaved another’s head as a prank, and Roger got into a dick-measuring contest with Lorne Michaels over whose stars were crazier or something stupid like that.
I’m pretty sure Roger would compete with a baby for a lollipop.
But he seemed so weirdly proud of me. And everyone in the restaurant was watching and I felt like if I didn’t entertain them, be this person they expected . . . I don’t know.”
“Who’s ‘they’?”
“Roger. The SNL people. The internet. Do you know some pop singer said I made up Ginny to sell tickets?”
“If I could set a poltergeist on her,” Ginny says, raising a brow, “I would.”
Dr. Xavier takes rapid notes. “Tell me more about that.”
I pull my laptop off the coffee table and settle it on my legs.
I’m wearing sweatpants and thick socks, and the comfort of being home in Long Beach, on a day off, is a relief.
“First Theo didn’t even know Ginny was my sister.
And now all of these people on Instagram and TikTok are saying Ginny never existed, she’s some kind of marketing ploy.
Even if it’s supposed to be a joke, it’s not fucking funny. ”
“Why does an internet joke bother you so much?”
I gape at her. “Because the whole point of my new album is to prove Ginny did more than just exist—she lit up the world. She was important, and she deserves to be remembered. All the new songs are for her, so no one can ever forget her. The album’s a . . . ”
“A monument?” Dr. X asks.
“I guess so,” I admit.
“You couldn’t stop her from dying, so you’re trying to figure out a way to make her live forever. No wonder the stakes of this album feel so high. And it’s no wonder alcohol feels like an escape from all that pressure.”
Tears well up as my face heats. I wipe them away quickly. “Ginny always let me have the spotlight. It was the Hannah show, and she was in the background.”
“Ah.” On-screen, Dr. Xavier settles back in her chair. “Now we’re getting somewhere. You were the star, then the sister who lived, and now you’re the one reaping success. You feel guilty.”
I can’t help but look at the other end of the couch to see if Ginny will confirm these fears, confirm she spent her life and now her death in my shadow. But her expression gives nothing away. She simply studies me, waiting to see what I’ll say.
“What are you looking at?” Dr. X asks. “Is someone in the room with you?”
I snap back. “No. I just— I’m worried everything you said is true.”
“Let’s try something. Tell me five things only you know about your sister.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re going to concentrate on the truth. Things you can count on. Not your fears or speculation. Big or small, it can be anything.”
“Okay.” There are so many options. “I know Ginny loved science, even though she pretended she didn’t, because I used to catch her reading her biology textbook for fun. She was afraid I’d tease her for being a nerd.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being smart.” Ginny sniffs.
“Her favorite movie growing up was this old Disney movie called Brink! about an inline skater.” I laugh. “She had a huge crush on the actor. His catchphrase was ‘No problemo, man.’”
“You liked the ghost in Casper!” Ginny cries. “Trust me, you don’t want to play this game.”
“Okay,” Dr. X says. “As charming as that is, give me something with heft.”
I look at my sister. “She had a better relationship with my parents than I ever did. She was good at forgiving people.”
Ginny smiles. It’s small, but makes me feel hopeful.
“She wanted to have two girls,” I add. “She used to joke about naming them Virginia Jr. and Hannah Jr.”
“If guys can do it, why not us?” Ginny says.
“Good.” Dr. X nods. “That’s four. Last one. Something only the two of you knew.”
Ginny and I look at each other. I take a deep breath. “She was the only person who ever loved me unconditionally.”
For a long time, Dr. Xavier is silent. Then she looks away from the camera and clears her throat. “Okay, then. She existed, and she was important. Internet rumors be damned.”
I smile, feeling a weight lift from my chest, and turn to Ginny. And that’s when I see the strangest thing.
Ginny is starting to fade.