Chapter 59
Hannah
For the rest of my life, every beach will belong to Ginny.
Even the Atone Center’s few miles of shore.
We normally saw the beach at sunrise, coming out early to surf while the world was still waking up, but sunset has its own magic.
The sun’s starting to sink and turn the sky a brilliant orange pink.
Luckily, they’re screening a new superhero movie in the treatment center’s auditorium, so I’m the only person left out here.
Without ceremony, Ginny appears next to me in the sand, knees drawn up. I’ve imagined her in her favorite sweater, the blue one that made her eyes luminous. She looks out over the ocean instead of at me.
“I bet it’s going to be strange,” she says, “going to the beach with-out me.”
I follow her lead and watch the waves. “A lot of things are going to be strange from now on.”
We say nothing for a moment. The sound of the water tumbling over the sand is almost hypnotic.
“Thank you for coming,” I say finally.
“You’re the one in charge, remember?”
“Right.” Two gulls swoop low in front of us, calling for each other. “I know the last time we talked, it was rough. I was pretty upset.”
She dips a finger into the sand and traces the letter G. “Are you done being upset?”
I watch her spell her name in the sand. “I wish you could tell me why you decided to go to med school.”
“You know I can’t,” she says simply. “It’s always going to be an unanswered question. You’re just going to have to believe what Dr. X said. That I wanted a new adventure and had faith you’d love and support me.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “I can try.”
“You brought me here to say goodbye, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” I nudge her knee with mine. “I think we both know I can’t keep this up much longer.”
She looks down at the sand. Then wipes away her name with the palm of her hand. “If I’m not here with you, where will I be?”
My throat feels thick. “I’ve been asking myself that same question.” The sun inches closer to the water. It makes a shining path from the horizon to the shore. “What if we agreed to pretend you’re up there?”
She follows my gaze. “In the sun?”
“In the sky. The sunlight and clouds. That way, when the sun comes out every day, I can imagine you looking down on me. And when it’s rainy, I’ll pretend you’ve gone away to rest.”
“It’s never rainy in Southern California.”
My voice breaks. “Then I guess you’ll have to stick around.”
She turns her whole body toward me. The magic hour makes a halo of her hair. “Thank you for the songs you wrote about me. They were a good gift.”
“They’re not enough,” I say, choking on the words.
She shakes her head. “Nothing was ever going to feel like enough. But I won’t just be in the sky, Hannah. I’ll be in people’s cars and their bedrooms. In their heads. They’ll sing my name. I’ll fill stadiums and travel all over the world. Everyone will know how much I was loved.”
Tears fall fast down my face. “I would do anything to keep you. You know that, right? If there was any chance to get you back for real, I’d never stop trying.”
“Yeah.” Her thumbs rub my knees. “That was kind of the problem, sis.”
“What, that I love you so much?” I shake with the force of my crying. I want so badly to press my forehead into hers and ask her to hug me, even though I’m the big sister, the one who used to do the comforting.
“Hey,” she whispers. “I want you to know something. I want you to believe it so deeply it’s the last thing you think about before you fall asleep. And when it’s your turn to go, I want you to take it with you.”
The sun has erupted into blazing red. The warmth of the light touches my face. “What?”
“Every second I spent on earth,” she says, “I knew how much you loved me. It shaped who I was.”
I press my face into my hands. “How am I supposed to do this without you?”
“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. “But you’ll find a way.”
“Ginny.” I know she’s only a memory, a projection, but it doesn’t matter. “I will love and miss you forever.”
“I know.” She closes her eyes. “Wherever I am, I can feel it.”
She starts to rise. I lunge for her legs. “No—please. Not yet.”
“Shh,” she says. “It has to happen sometime.” She climbs to her feet. “One more thing.”
I can barely keep my eyes on her, she glows so brightly from the sun.
“You were the best big sister.” She takes a step away. “And I’ll see you again one day. Until then, I release you.”
Ginny walks down the beach. The light from the sinking sun illuminates her as she moves. Soon, she’s nothing but a dark figure limned in light. I get to my feet, shielding my eyes to watch her.
When she’s so far away I can barely see, Ginny turns and waves.
My hand covers my mouth.
She steps into the horizon.