Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
CORDELIA
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask Deacon, watching him from the corner of my eye as he works at his desk late the next afternoon.
After spending half the day in bed yesterday at the cabin, we had to work quickly to get the other two in order for the hikers headed up to stay through Valentine's Day.
I didn't think it sounded very romantic until we spent the night making love under the skylight, with no one around for miles. Now, I'm rethinking my stance.
Hiking still isn't high on my list of things to do.
Even with Deacon at my side, being in the woods scares the crap out of me.
Too many bad memories. But it's strange.
I came here to conquer that fear. I never expected that I'd make new, happy memories to soften the sharp edges of the old ones.
Slowly but surely though, the last two days have chipped away at the four I spent lost and afraid.
I know that's because of Deacon. It's not the woods that's different this time.
It's the fact that I'm with him. He's the new memory chipping away at and replacing the old.
I used to remember how cold I was out there at night.
Now, I remember burning up with his lips gliding down my body.
There used to be nothing but ominous sounds from the dark.
Now, there's his cranky growl and rusty laughter.
"Depends on if you're going to talk shit about my office again," he says, eyeing me sideways.
"I think you mispronounced trainwreck," I say sweetly, grabbing another stack of receipts to scan and file.
We've been working for the last two hours, and I've barely made a dent in the chaos, but he seems partial to it.
Mostly because I think he's stubborn and doesn't want to admit that Nell was right about him desperately needing help getting this place in order.
He narrows his eyes on me, making me smile. "Ask your question before I come over there and fuck up all of your hard work."
"I will murder you in your sleep if you even think about touching these receipts, Deacon." I give him a mean glare—or my best impression of one, anyway. No one with pink hair and a headband looks intimidating.
He smirks. "Ask your question."
"What did you mean yesterday about it being a few years since you heard things?
" I didn't think anything about the comment yesterday, but I found a stack of photos at the bottom of the filing cabinet of him in firefighter gear earlier, shoved to the back as if he wanted to forget them.
He wasn't always a mountain man. I don't know what happened, but I'm guessing whatever it was drove him here.
His heavy sigh confirms my suspicion. "Come here."
I carefully set the receipts aside and climb to my feet, crossing the office to him. He grabs my hand, pulling me down onto his lap.
"It's easier if I show you," he says, clicking an icon on his desktop.
A God-awful screeching sound echoes through the office.
Tyr grunts in the corner, rolling onto his other side.
"What is that?"
"What? The dial-up sound?"
"Dial-up? Paul Bunyan, save me," I mutter. "I have traveled back in time." Right back to the 1990s, when rap music was good and the only thing you could do on the internet was learn or chat.
"Smartass," Deacon says, his lips twitching.
I grin at him.
We wait four hundred years for the dial-up to connect, and then he opens a web browser. He quickly types something in and then pulls up a news article.
Sixteen firefighters killed in Pasayten Wilderness.
"Deacon," I whisper, my stomach sinking as I skim the article. When I come across his name as one of only three survivors on the team, my heart cracks in half, tears welling in my eyes.
"We were given the wrong information about where we needed to be," he rasps. "When the wind shifted direction, the fire jumped the line and cut off our exit. We had no way out. It was moving too goddamn fast."
I turn in the chair, wrapping myself around him as best as I can.
"One of the jumpers had fallen and fucked up his ankle, so me and another jumper were lagging behind with him, dragging his ass back down the mountain," he says. "When the fire swept through, we could hear them screaming. I tried like hell to get to them, but there was no saving them."
"Oh, Deacon. I'm so sorry."
A shudder wracks his body. "By the time the fire caught up to us, we'd found a small pond and dove in. Damn near drowned waiting for it to pass. The water got so hot, we thought it was going to boil before the fire finally roared through and we were able to climb out."
I wrap myself even tighter around him, pressing myself close in an attempt to comfort him. He's a survivor, just like I am. Only, he survived something so much worse. I can't even imagine how terrifying that had to be.
"The worst part was finding their bodies," he whispers.
"Most didn't even have time to deploy their shelters.
It hit them so fast." He shudders again, locked in his memories.
And then he exhales a shaky breath. "Their screams haunted me for a long time, Sunshine.
That day haunted me for a long time. I came out here to heal.
I needed to find peace, so I built this place.
When I finished it, I built the cabins up on the ridge. "
"I'm so sorry, Deacon. I thought my four days in the forest was bad, but what you went through was so much worse. You lost so much that day," I whisper, running my fingers down the side of his face in a comforting gesture. "Of course you needed peace."
"You were just a kid, Sunshine. I knew what I signed up for and what the risks were. You didn't sign up to get lost and nearly die in the woods when you went on that field trip." He gives me a half-smile. "Trauma isn't a competition. We've both been through some shit."
"Yeah, I guess we have."
He runs his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away my tears. "Don't cry for me, baby. It took a few years to get there, but I'm good. I'm done with the fire service and will never have to face that shit again. I've made peace with what happened."
"But you're still afraid to leave here," I say softly.
"Nah, I just don't like people."
"Liar," I whisper.
He gives me another half-smile, running his finger over my lips. "Never had a reason to want to leave, Sunshine. I had my dog and my cabin, and I was good. Everything I needed was right here. Why risk undoing the work I've done finding my peace when there was nothing out there I wanted?"
My stomach twists at his question and a little sliver of my heart breaks.
If that's how he feels, what are the two of us doing?
My life is in Seattle. There's no way I'll ever be able to build my business out here in the wilderness.
There's no way I'd survive out here. I may be more comfortable out here because Deacon's here, but I still hate it.
I think I'll always hate it a little bit.
It'll always remind me of being small and vulnerable and alone, hovering close to death. That's no way to live. But…if I leave, I'm going to be leaving the biggest part of my heart behind. That's no way to live either.
I was supposed to face my fears for Valentine's Day, not go and fall in love with a mountain man. But I fell anyway. Now, I have a whole new fear to contend with. Getting my heart broken into tiny little pieces. Only…I don't see a way to avoid it if his life is here and mine is in Seattle.
"What are you thinking?" Deacon asks.
"That I should finish filing those receipts," I lie. "You have to go hunt Bambi or something so you can feed me dinner."
He narrows his eyes on me. "Or I can feed you my cock. It should keep that smart mouth full."
"Probably," I agree. "But the rumors about all the protein in semen are just a myth, Deacon. It's not nearly enough to fill this hole in my belly."
"Jesus Christ," he says, snorting laughter. "Do I even want to know how you know this?"
"Uh, because unlike you, I don't have to wait four hundred years for the internet to load? I can Google things I want to know." I pause, peeking up at him with a devilish smile. "And as it turns out, there are a lot of things I like to know."
He growls at me, dipping his head to press his lips to mine. "Baby? Go file those receipts before I decide to see how much protein I can give you."
"Yes, sir." I hop off his lap, squealing when he smacks my ass. "Hands off, Deacon Cromwell! I have work to do, and you have to feed me."
He rises to his feet, grabbing me before I can get too far. He drags me back into his arms, kissing me breathless. By the time he lets me up for air, I've forgotten all about the receipts and dinner.
Unfortunately, he hasn't.
"Go file, Sunshine. I'll go hunt us up something good to eat." He winks at me and then strolls out of the office, leaving me swooning after him.
"Paul Bunyan, save me," I whisper, sinking down into his chair with my head in my hands. What am I going to do? I'm in love with a mountain man and our relationship was doomed before it ever began.